Avoiding saying goodbye....

[justinrobert456]

Does anyone else experience this and what are your thoughts on its cause and or meaning?

 

Since as long as I can remember I have had a fear or avoidance of saying goodbye to people. What I mean by that is if I were to attend a gathering or party, I may have some hesitation to greet everyone as I made my way through. However, that feeling of anxiety pales in comparison to the feeling I get when it comes time to leave. For some unknown reason I feel much more comfortable by "sneaking" out and avoiding people rather than individually approaching everyone that I have greeted during entry and saying goodbye. I know that my behavior is counter productive and I know that my actions are off putting to others. My compulsion to leave without being seen however is powerful and has won most times throughout my life. This pattern has repeated since I was a child. Can anyone enlighten me as to the cause or meaning of my actions or even relate?

[Wuzzums]

I don't think it's about goodbyes, more about you having an impression you owe people to say goodbye. It makes sense to say goodbye to the host, not so much with the other guests. By the language you used I assume none of the people you greet are friends, otherwise you would have referred to them as such. And to friends it doesn't matter whether you say goodbye or not.

 

So basically what's going on is you hating the fact you're made to do something you don't want to do, that's why when you don't do it you think you're in the wrong. You refer to it as "sneaking" and "counter productive". It's not, it's just you asserting you wants in the moment. Because you say it's something you did ever since childhood, I can only assume you were chastised as a kid whenever you expressed a need. Never be ashamed to do what you choose to do.

[dsayers]

I know that my behavior is counter productive

 

How so? Unless it's a fund raiser banquet where your work is the beneficiary, I don't see what you're describing as counter productive. As Wuzzums pointed out, I wouldn't even say it's a bad thing. If you choose to say goodbye to somebody, nobody, or everybody, that's your choice.

 

I think how you interact with people is more important than whether you greeted them or bid them farewell.

[justinrobert456]

Thank you for the feedback Wuzzums and dsayers. Unfortunately I don't believe I communicated effectively my feelings. When I was a child visiting family members such as my grandmother or uncle and many others where there, I would feel a sense of anxiety when it came time for my family to leave. Something about walking around and hugging my family which many of the members I still love caused me great unease. I noticed at a young age I preferred when family would congregate at my mothers house because then I never had to be the one to say goodbye and leave, it was them who would approach me before they left. Also when at someone else's house I would be happier when my family was one of the last to leave because I would not have to walk around and say my goodbyes because other family members would approach me when they left.

 

The fact is I feel internally it is something that I want to do (saying goodbye) yet great anxiety and dread fill me when the time comes. I agree with you both Wuzzums and dsayers that I do not have to do anything that I don't want to and do not need to feel guilty if I don't wish to say goodbye. Yet the truth is that deep down I do want to (at least to the people who are important to me) however this indescribable anxiety prevents me from doing so.... I'm almost of the belief that there is some deeper meaning perhaps tied into an unaccountable childhood memory that may be playing a role in my feelings. My parents divorced in my first months of life and I grew up in several different households being shuffled between grandparents, my mother, my father never having a stable or consistent home for my whole youth until I moved out on my own at 16.

 

The bottom line is I want to overcome and defeat this anxiety that I feel. Identifying it by discussing it with you ladies and gentleman I believe is the first step. Again I deeply appreciate any comments. We are all here to achieve better understanding and without each other to share experiences we are only left to guess and wonder.

[dsayers]

I'm almost of the belief that there is some deeper meaning perhaps tied into an unaccountable childhood memory that may be playing a role in my feelings.

 

I think that's a fantastic interpretation. It would seem that your subconscious is trying to tell you something. Please keep in mind that I am not a psychologist.

[tjt]

Very interesting. I also don't enjoy saying my goodbyes. When I was growing up, I lived in the same town as most all of my family members... it was a quick 15 minute drive to get to either of my grandparents'/uncles'/aunts' houses. Yet, after a family dinner everyone would say goodbye to me as though I was moving across the world. Hugs, kisses, love yous, see you soon, drive carefully. My mom still draws out our goodbyes, even when we're just hanging up from a short 5-minute phone call. I find it so annoying, because she acts as if I might die and she wanted to end it on a goodbye that didn't leave anything out.

 

With other things such as work events or gatherings/parties, I hate making the rounds to say goodbye because it just leads to yet another round of small talk which I'm not fond of.

 

I like goodbyes when it is with people I care about... for example a friend that is in town and is leaving to go back to her home in a different state. Then I cherish a long hug and meaningful well wishes. Or wishing a good day to your significant other when they leave for work in the morning. But I make it a point to not drag out goodbyes like my family does.

 

(I think I know what most of this means... I don't like that my mom thinks life is so chaotic and uncontrollable that I could die at any minute so she must say her final goodbyes every time we part... and I don't like small talk saying goodbye to people at parties and events because it's not very fulfilling.)

 

Do you see any similarities?

[Devon Gibbons]

...I would feel a sense of anxiety when it came time for my family to leave. Something about walking around and hugging my family which many of the members I still love caused me great unease...

I have a deep anxiety around departing with people as well. I think I know the cause:

 

Here's a study: Short and Long Term Effects on Infants and Toddlers in Full Time Daycare Centers

 

From what I have gleaned from my mom, I started daycare when I was 3 months old for 12 hours a week. At 1.25 years I never saw that woman again. Shortly thereafter I started seeing another woman with four other kids and was with her 375% more /week; from 1.25 to 2.5 years I was babysat 8-9 hours/day M-F (perfect time to save for a kid's college). My caregiver had to move because of her husbands work and was very sad to let me go because I was like "one of her own". Attachment breaks can cause attachment disorders. Continuing at 42 hours/ week I had another babysitter from 2.5 - 3, in daycare at one place  from 3 - 3.5, and in daycare at another from 3.5 - 4.25.

 

I began kindergarten nervous and afraid of other kids.

 

I remember feeling so betrayed and confused when my grandmother dropped me off at daycare when I was I think 4. The things I remember from around 3 and 4 in daycare are pretty fucked up to say the least. When I was 3 or 4 at one of the daycare centers outside, a little boy (older than me) came up to me eagerly and beckoned me to follow him. I was kind of bored and lonely and was glad someone came to me with an idea of something to do. I follow him and come to this group of really young kids, much bigger than I was it seemed, standing around together. And this boy told me what they were doing -they were playing a game with this girl. Below them in the sand on the ground was a little girl, probably 3 or 4 - my age - with her pants below her knees and bare-assed; her face was directed away from them into the sand. This "game" involved each of the boys in the group bending down over her and kissing her on her exposed ass cheek. It was literally the Lord of the Flies type shit. One by one they had their turns and they brought me over to play. I cautiously declined their "friendly" invitation to partake in this gang molestation of this little girl, my equal, and backed away from them avoiding them as best I could from then on. My parents didn't listen tome to such a degree that I felt I couldn't tell them about this traumatic terror event. The daycare people were obviously incompetent at their jobs as well, though I cannot fathom the alienation and complete abandonment the parents of this girl subjected her to. 

 

I think my problem stems from so many abrupt attachment obliterations in my childhood and my fear of being left in a gang-rape environment. The attachment breaks caused a lot of self confidence issues in me as well.

 

Hope this gives you a new perspective.

[Devon Gibbons]

Here's a quote from "The Manual: The Definitive Book on Parenting and the Causal Theory" by Dr. Faye Snyder:

 

 

I moved many times in my childhood and often pretended that I would still see my friends some day so I wouldn't have to say goodbye again. I didn't know that when you say goodbye properly, people don't feel as abandoned. When you disappear, they feel abandoned and you may feel closed off, guilty, lost or incomplete. I know mothers who duck out of daycare while the day care worker distracts their child, thinking they wont notice. I also know day care workers who are trained to tell the parents that the child adjusted well after she left no matter how much he cried. People who experience being left "out of the blue" are hurt the most. I know it's a pain to have to say a complete goodbye because you will see and hear the other person's reaction, but it's worth it. It is how you will be remembered and how good you will feel about yourself for the years to come, having allowed them their say.

 

She believes that it is not the other person's feelings we are trying to spare by avoiding saying goodbye to them, but our own. People overestimate how much hard words and harsh feedback have on them and instead of taking this as an insight, they project this sensitivity and touchiness onto others.