Broes before hoes?

[Grizwald]

So lately I've been feeling a bit weird. Or better put, I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling about this situation. 

 

I have 2 really close friends. We're a fucking tripod! Or so it used to be. Me and my other two friends grew up in our teens together closer then any one else we met before or after. But about two years before high school ended one of our friends got a girlfriend (his first). After this our hangouts have decreased significantly. .Of course things like college and work get in the way as well as a girlfriend, but even during breaks we hardly ever hang out. And many petty things have happened to us since then. Our friend has repeatedly ditched us for his girlfriend. And its been getting really ridiculous. We have been turned down from hanging out with him for things like 1 and a quarter year anniversaries. It was so many anniversaries I can't remember which ones. At one point I asked him to go to a concert with me. And he couldn't go that day for legitimate reasons. But then the next time I asked him if he wanted to go to a concert with me he told me he made a promise with his girlfriend. They promised each other that they would both go to their first concert together which meant me and him going was out of the question. It's stuff like that.

 

But now he's told us that he plans on proposing to her in about a month. We haven't even met her yet. I don't even think he wants us to meet her. 

 

I don't know if this is just me being jealous because I myself have never even had a girlfriend.or been close to getting one, or if I'm feeling kind of floored by his ditching us for his girlfriend. 

 

Do you guys think I am justified in feeling betrayed?

[NumberSix]

If you haven’t met her, I see three possibilities 1) he is embarrassed by her, 2) he is embarrassed by you, 3) she is very controlling and won’t let him invite you.  You should invite them out as a couple.

[Grizwald]

Thanks NumberSix I'll try that.

 

I don't have a clue what it could be because I don't think he's ever invited anyone to hang out with him and her. It's always been his girlfriend who's arranged double dates and stuff like that, and none of them being with his friends. Maybe she is very controlling and he seems timid with her. 

[massaki]

Im so sorry man. Based on my own experiences, your friend might be among the dead. If he letting a girl control him or spending of of his time with her, that just means he values her way more than your "Years"  of friendship. Hey they might break up and you guys get to hangout again....until the next controlling girl that he finds so attractive and more valuable then his closest friends enters his life again and then the excuses pile up and the pattern begins. My first girlfriend, I used to show off to all my friends and spent time with both of them at the same time! This girl i liked at college i asked her to sit at my table and eat with me and my FRIENDS! I did spend alone time with her but it didn't take up my whole life. It's a reason he hasn't ever showed you guys her, i don't know what that reason is, but i know it ain't a positive one. Picture this, "The love of my life is such a positive and awesome person and she makes everyday of my life sparkle! Lets keep her in a basement and not show her off to the people who I care about the most!" It doesn't sound right. Right? That's not what you would do to someone you love and would marry. 

 

How is his parents relationship with each other?

[RyanT]

Definitly sounds like there's something odd about it all,

 

It's easy to say she's some 'controlling b*tch', chances are she is,

But obviously you're friend chose her and's going along with it,

 

How was his childhood?

 

Remember Stefan once suggesting that, after some people have been starved of affection as children,

When it finally does come along they use that relationship to fill all the gaping holes in themselves.

 

Certainly I've experienced this myself and you totally decend into your own private little world,

You want to spend every second together and silly little 'us' things take on great significance,

While everything else (like supposedly tight friendships) suddenly seem quite meaningless,

 

Its probably just how unhappy people feel when they start snorting coke, 'wow how did I live without it',

(addiction is addiction is addiction)

 

You could always suggest he reads Real Time Relationships,

(Obviously not in terms of 'and this'll show how yours is dysfunctional')

But he may see similarities with his current situation.

 

Realistically though like most addicts he probably does need to hit rock bottom,

Which from what you've said may not be that far away...

[dsayers]

But now he's told us that he plans on proposing to her in about a month. We haven't even met her yet.

 

Why are you friends with somebody who could make such a large decision without expressing any interest in your input? Also, I don't see how the title has anything to do with the post. Are you saying that he owes you allegiance because you knew him first? Because y'all have penises and she doesn't?

[Grizwald]

Why are you friends with somebody who could make such a large decision without expressing any interest in your input? Also, I don't see how the title has anything to do with the post. Are you saying that he owes you allegiance because you knew him first? Because y'all have penises and she doesn't?

 

Well if he floors it down the bad road he;s on right now then I don't see myself staying friends with him. And the title was more of a joke. he doesn't have any allegiance to me. Maybe I should have titled it "Logic before Emotion?"

 

And Massaki I'm not sure about his parents relationships. But if I were to make an intelligent guess I'd say that they didn't give him much intimacy just like my parents. 

[dsayers]

But that doesn't answer the question. Even if you don't value self-knowledge, it's a very important question. Or before you know it, you'll find that all your friends engage in irrational behavior and it'll do your head in.

[LovePrevails]

ah yeah it's really hurtful when friends get their first serious romantic relationship and forget everyone else

 

and they find a lot of trouble when things go awry because htey have no friends left to support them

 

some friends tried to repair this after the fact but I always found the damage had been done

we had grown apart in the intervening time and didn't have that much in common any more even if we tried to rekindle the friendship

 

it's just so not me

 

my girlfriend and I both have mutual friends and we also enjoy being with each-others friends

 

I think in relationships people should be like two trees whose branches and roots touch and they give one another shelter from the wind, 

but also give each other space enough to grow and be individuals

[DFPercush]

If you haven’t met her, I see three possibilities 1) he is embarrassed by her, 2) he is embarrassed by you, 3) she is very controlling and won’t let him invite you.  You should invite them out as a couple.

I see one other possibility. He thinks it's likely that one of you will steal her from him. So that's an issue of trust. I couldn't stand it when I was in school. All the hot girls wanted to be with my friend and not me. Did things like that ever happen to your friend, Grizwald? I have no reason to believe this is the case, but you can factor it in to your judgement if you wish.

[David Twyman]

But about two years before high school ended one of our friends got a girlfriend (his first). After this our hangouts have decreased significantly.

34:48 onwards i think would help you