Self Doubt and Self Knowledge

[BROTHER I]

 Before discovering Stefan and FDR, I was completely ignorant about the degree to which the things that someone has experienced during their childhood really affected them later in life. What I had initially believed was that for anything to have an immense impact on one's adult life it had to be some horrible, devastating experience (like being raped, seeing somebody die, being severely physically and/or verbally assaulted, etc.) Looking at it now, I can see that my ignorance stems from the fact that psychology and childhood trauma were something my parents never talked about - unless that was to dismiss or ridicule the topics. It is kind of funny because just realizing this shows the level to which things that happen in one's childhood unconsciously permeate in their future experiences, thoughts and relationships.

 

 My time spent listening to Stefan has encouraged me to pursue self knowledge and I figured this would be the best places to ask questions and receive advice. Recently, I started picking apart the things that I can remember from when I was younger, but the problem is that I am unsure of just how accurate my evaluations of these memories are. It is unclear to how to get to the root of how a certain experience affected me and how to deal with with the information that I may uncover. Also, if there are any techniques or literature that would help. I really want to overcome the barriers that have been put up due to the experiences of my past. Your advice will be very much appreciated. Thank you.

 

 

 

[dsayers]

I am very glad you've found your way through the door of rational thought. I hope you find what you're looking for and have the courage to face it even when it's uncomfortable. You've survived thus far, so while the road forward might not be easy, the worst of it is behind you.

 

With all due sensitivity, I feel as if you haven't really said much in terms of what your experiences are. Could you elaborate?

[BROTHER I]

My memories of my childhood begin from when I was around four years old. From then I can remember that my parents did a lot of fighting and arguing. I can remember once they got into it because my mother was apparently staring at my father too much and he had a problem with it. This behavior carried on until they officially separated when I was 16. They never made any effort to try and discuss their problems calmly and did not hold back even if my sister and I were in the room with them. My mother took it upon herself to involve us in her disputes with my father and often would often play the victim. Being children, we fell for her ploy and rushed to comfort her when she would sit and cry after a big fight. Besides the fact that she was our mother and that she could effectively portray herself as the victim, what made it especially easy for her to draw us in was that was my father was very distant and we weren't very close with him even though we lived together. She had gotten me so well that at some point I began to feel strong contempt for him. My sister and I were brainwashed. She kept us by her side by telling us that if she were gone tomorrow we would have nobody else because our father didn't care about us, that she would do anything for us, etc. She made sure to feed and clothe us, but as far as I can remember she never made any attempts to delve deeper into my thoughts, feelings or interests. She did hit us and was verbally abusive. The one thing she often did with me as a form of discipline was enlist my father to yell at me. As a child, the contempt that I mentioned before was mixed with an intense fear of him. The times when I was put in front of him to be disciplined were very distressful for me. It was literally like a trial or something. If I did something wrong my mother would say that she would tell my father about it. It wouldn't leave my mind and I would think about it for the whole day. When he arrived home and was settled, he would yell for me to come to him and I would take a slow walk to see him. What usually happened in these sessions were him shouting questions at me while I cried and was unable to answer. He would then aggressively pressure me for an answer by repeating himself. For example, there was one occasion where I was around six years old. I had spilled juice a couple of times over the course of a week or something and my mother was fed up. She had hit me for the first few times and then resorted to putting me in front of my father. This time, I was unaware that she had reported me and I was unexpected called by my father. He began to angrily ask how old I was and if I was a baby because someone my age shouldn't be spilling things so much. All I could do was cry. 

 

 

These are some of the earliest experiences that I can remember. I had no idea that writing this would make me so anxious. When I was re-reading it and playing back the events in my head it was came across as unbelievable. Thank you for the kind words and support. 

[cynicist]

Welcome to the boards.

 

Recently, I started picking apart the things that I can remember from when I was younger, but the problem is that I am unsure of just how accurate my evaluations of these memories are. It is unclear to how to get to the root of how a certain experience affected me and how to deal with with the information that I may uncover. 

 

Absolutely, I've had this concern myself, especially since sometimes you won't even remember certain things until you get further in your exploration of yourself. The only clear way that I could think of to navigate this tangled mental map was my emotions. Logic helps too when you are in discussions with your parents for example, but the emotions you feel can give you some of idea of how you perceived the experiences at the time, even if the experiences themselves aren't clear.

 

These are some of the earliest experiences that I can remember. I had no idea that writing this would make me so anxious. When I was re-reading it and playing back the events in my head it was came across as unbelievable. Thank you for the kind words and support. 

 

God that sounds horrible. The type of mental torture that your mother inflicted on you by threatening you with your father's arrival stood out to me even compared to the rest of the abuse. I know it can seem hard to believe but the anxiety is good. That's how you know that what you are describing is something that is important and needs to be explored further. One thing I didn't know before I began the journey is how essential feedback from others is. Or looking at the events from the perspective of an observer, as if they were happening to another family. Without that kind of denormalization, it can be tough to separate the truth from the story that is told within your family.

[emilia]

 Before discovering Stefan and FDR, I was completely ignorant about the degree to which the things that someone has experienced during their childhood really affected them later in life. What I had initially believed was that for anything to have an immense impact on one's adult life it had to be some horrible, devastating experience (like being raped, seeing somebody die, being severely physically and/or verbally assaulted, etc.) Looking at it now, I can see that my ignorance stems from the fact that psychology and childhood trauma were something my parents never talked about - unless that was to dismiss or ridicule the topics. It is kind of funny because just realizing this shows the level to which things that happen in one's childhood unconsciously permeate in their future experiences, thoughts and relationships.

I just want to point out, that you imply here that you think your childhood had an impact on your later life, but that you don't think your experiences were horrible or devastating. But when you describe what happened to you, it clearly is horrible and devastating. In fact the word cynicist chose to use about your history was horrible, and I agree. It seems like you are already getting this, when you say that re-reading what you wrote, it came across as unbelievable. This is part of the denormalization process, that cynicist talked about, and I agree it is very important and helpful.

[tjt]

Wordponroad, I'm so sorry to hear your parents acted this way towards each other and you 

 

I too have memories of being yelled at and spanked by my father for spilling a glass of milk. I also fearfully dreaded being around my father because he was so explosive emotionally. It's amazing how I've began to realize just the effect it's had on my life, which is so critical to building self knowledge.

 

In regards to your original question 

 

 

I started picking apart the things that I can remember from when I was younger, but the problem is that I am unsure of just how accurate my evaluations of these memories are. It is unclear to how to get to the root of how a certain experience affected me and how to deal with with the information that I may uncover. Also, if there are any techniques or literature that would help. I really want to overcome the barriers that have been put up due to the experiences of my past. Your advice will be very much appreciated. 

 

You have to trust yourself and your evaluations. I mean, that second post you made seems pretty detailed and vivid which proves that you are capable of recounting your experiences, even if they happened many years ago.

 

Sometimes, as I'm recalling certain traumatic childhood memories, I feel that I am exaggerating or being dramatic. But after further consideration, I realize that I am only being honest and that it is someone else's influence over me that has me thinking I'm embellishing. For example, I once tried to confront my dad for spanking me over that spilled milk... he completely denied that it ever happened (thereby calling me a liar). He tried to downplay his pathetic, aggressive and violent act toward a four-year-old girl in order to protect his authority over me. He saw that I did not respect him for this action, so he denied it as a desperate attempt to maintain his power over me. This happened a lot as I got older... I confronted and he denied. Anyways, the point is that my false self holds on to how my dad and other family members would react to my honest confessions and tries to prevent me from admitting and realizing the truth (it's a form of protection really). But this aspect of the false self has no place in my life anymore and it's taken a lot of work to overcome it.

 

My advice would be to seriously just trust yourself, you know what happened. And be aware when "someone else" is trying to talk you out of a memory... that way you can overcome it and get to the truth. I'm no expert, just some thoughts and experiences I wanted to share. What do you think?

 

P.S. I was able to turn this memory about a spanking from my dad into something meaningful and understand it's impact on me 20-some years later with the help of John Bradshaw's book "Bradshaw on: The Family." I haven't finished reading it, but I would recommend it. 

[BROTHER I]

Thank you all for your insights and sharing of personal experiences. As you guys have pointed out, realizing how much I have normalized all those events was quite eye opening for me. I will definitely begin to put more trust in myself and my dissections of my past experiences. Taking into account that the influence my parents had on me will often subconsciously try to make everything seem okay. I will stay strong because I know that what happened was not alright and should not have happened. Thank you for the advice and I will certainly take a check out that book, tjt. 

[ThomasPaineintheArse]

Bradshaw was my first step in the right direction.  empathizing with, and learning to nurture my inner child, saved my life.  sorry you experienced such abuse and manipulation................

[Mango]

What you describe sounds abusive and manipulative, wordponroad. 

Have you read Alice Miller? Reading her book, "The Drama of the Gifted Child" really helped me move forward towards validating my experiences and emotions. She speaks of the negative effects of hurtful parenting, which it sounds like you most certainly experienced. 

“I have never known a patient to portray his parents more negatively than he actually experienced them in childhood but always more positively--because idealization of his parents was essential for his survival.” 
― Alice Miller, Thou Shalt Not Be Aware : Society's Betrayal of the Child