Some Philosophical Advice While My Father is Dying

[creakins]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm hoping to get some advice on this rather complicated situation.

 

The factual backstory: I currently live at home with my parents. I moved here to be closer to work. I work as an elementary school teacher. I dislike my job terribly, and recently discovered that to be true to myself I need to find work, or start my own business. To do this, I've safely taken a year leave of absence, because I am still in debt from school, and am able to return to work if anything happens where I fail. This doesn't fully kick in until September of 2014, but I am off work at the end of June. I don't want to have to go back to being an elementary school teacher, but it is really hard to leave a secure full time job.

 

My family history has been really rough. My recent discoveries through therapy has helped me understand that my mother is highly abusive raising, and she uses the church to rationalize her actions. My father, although less abusive than my mother, has always been her protector also helping her rationalize her abusive behavior. When I came to this realization I decided to make the move to leave home, leave my work, and find an apartment in a bigger city to increase my chances at success with my new start up business. I found an apartment and I am scheduled to move in June 1st. All of this has happened in the past two months. I was feeling really great about all the changes until this past Monday evening when my Dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. All the talk around the house is about how my parents were unprepared for this financially. It has not been implicitly stated by anyone that it is wrong for me to continue on my path to success. I feel a huge amount of guilt towards moving and following my happiness. I don't really understand why all this guilt is raising in me. I understand that my parents financial issues are not my own. The statistics of this kind of cancer does not have a favorable survival rate, and I feel like I'm abandoning my father on his death bed. Deep down, this guilt is turning my stomach into a knotted mess.

 

I have two options open to me. Continue with moving out and find a way to rid myself of guilt. Or... rescind my leave, stay an extra year on at the school I dislike, help my family out with selling the house and make my father's last few months meaningful.

 

If I take option two I lose the ability to be approved for the leave of absence a second time. I have to work in a job I dislike and find morally wrong. But at the end of that year I will be completely debt free, and could outright quit, move and all the while, build my business to a point where it will be less risky to jump into.

 

If I take option one, everything is up in the air and feels uncontrollable, with the massive burden of guilt. But I stayed true to my life and my life's goals and moved away from the collectivist mentality that I owe my parents anything. 

 

I need some sound philosophical advice on how to frame this decision. It is one that I am going to have to make rather quickly. This decision will, in my mind, fully focus my life's path for the rest of my life. Heavy... I know. 

 

Is there anyone out there that can shed some light?

 

C

[Tyler Durden]

Sure, I'll give you my thoughts.

 

Your family history has been "really rough", your mother was "highly abusive" and your father has always been "her protector" who has "helped her rationalize her abusive behavior". I would argue that at least partly as a result of that you have chosen a career path that has lead you to a job that you "dislike terribly" for which you have incurred a debt, and on top of that you are also in therapy to deal with unresolved childhood trauma.

 

Simply put: you have past problems to deal with, you have present problems to deal with, and you are in debt. This basically means that you have more than enough on your plate and you're not in a position to help anyone else.

 

I can understand that you feel like you're abandoning your father on his death bed, because if you continue with your plan you'll be physically leaving the house where he is dying. But in reality, carrying out the plan that you had already made arrangements for is not the same as abandoning him. It's not like you heard that he had cancer and suddenly decided to move out, this plan was already in place. Be very clear about that to yourself.

 

Another point that I think is very important to realize is that his future is not set in stone, it's uncertain. You don't know how long this process is going to take. I did a quick search on esophageal cancer and pulled this up from a cancer research site:

 

"Of all those diagnosed with oesophageal cancer, about 42 out of every 100 people (42%) will live for at least 1 year after they are diagnosed. But unfortunately, only about 15 out of every 100 people (15%) will live for at least 5 years. And around 12 out of 100 people (12%) will live for at least 10 years."

 

So yes, he has a 58% chance of dying within a year. But he also has a 12% chance of staying alive for another 10+ years. And if that happens it may very well be 10+ years of misery and uncertainty. He has a 42% chance of still being alive a year from now but he may be worse off than he is today, if you decide not to leave now will you be able to leave then? How long are you prepared to put your life on hold for a dying man?

 

So my advice is this:

 

Continue with your plan, focus on your own life.

 

You're on your way in, he's on his way out. If you think he deserves it you can still support him, but do it via phone and via visits. Don't put your life on hold for an indefinite amount of time for a dying man who didn't give you the childhood you deserved.