Yeravos Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Hello everyone! I had some thoughts that I wanted to share. Since I started pursuing self-knowledge last year, I have had the thought in the back of my mind, that if I just get enough self-knowledge, if I just get over x obstacles in my mind, if I just put the right amount of blame on this parent, it will all work out on it's own. That I won't really have to do anything, that all my anxieties, all my pain will go away. That I'll emerge a superhero from the smoking rubble of my childhood. That's the thought I have had in my mind since day 1 of self-knowledge. I am asking myself, and you incredibly kind and intelligent people, is this fantasy? Is there, in fact, no point in self-knowledge, where you can feel free from your anxieties? Free from your pain? That no matter how much you grieve, how much you cry out in anger, you will never really be free from your anxieties. That instead, self-knowledge and grieving makes you understand, that you are not a defenseless child at the mercy of cruel parents anymore. And that you simply need to grit your teeth through your everyday anxieties. Because living like you hadn't been abused, is the only thing you can do. That turned out way more depressing than I intended. What I mean to say is, is perhaps one of the biggest parts of self-knowledge, to trust yourself to know, that your anxieties where useful in the past, but just something you have to challenge to get through your life, in the present? To take a strong stand for yourself in the face of your past traumas. Or am I wrong? Is there a real light at the end of the tunnel? Or is that something one has to imagine there being, to push on through life? I feel like I am calling people liars when I am writing this... I am sorry if that is indeed the case, I don't think people would lie about something like that... Maybe it's because I am feeling down at the moment. I didn't even realise that until now. If what I am saying is correct, that you just have to march on despite feeling anxious about things, maybe that personal responsability is just really hitting me now. Maybe that's why I feel down. I don't mean any harm with what I just wrote. But, if there is harm in it, please let me know! Any comment would be highly appriciated, as always.
Tyler Durden Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Working on self-knowledge is like laying the groundwork for a skyscraper. It's a hell of a lot of work and it's not always fun. Especially when it's cold and when all the people around you are just setting up tents and huts. Even when you've completed the task it may still feel unrewarding because after all that hard work you still don't have anything to show for it, you don't even have a roof over your head. You may have the groundwork but you still need to build the entire damn skyscraper. But once you start on the actual skyscraper you soon notice how much easier it is than you would have expected, simply because you laid the groundwork first. And before you know it you've built a few stories and suddenly your building is the tallest building around. Other people even start to imitate you because they're so impressed, but their buildings keep collapsing because they don't have the groundwork. And meanwhile you're starting to enjoy the construction process, you're enjoying it more every day, and your skyscraper keeps growing and growing. Other people start asking if they can rent rooms in this magnificent skyscraper of yours and nobody understands how you've been able to build something so impressive in such a short amount of time. And you will look back on those early days when it was cold and rainy while you were digging around in the dirt, and you'll understand why it all looked so grim, but you'll realize that it was more than worth it.
tjt Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Really interesting thoughts Yeravos and Tyler Durden. I agree that it pays off... actually the payoff is unlimited. And to play on the skyscraper analogy, it's going to take a lot of time to build it... and even when you think it's built, there's a whole lot of maintenance you have to do so the skyscraper doesn't crumble to the ground. I guess what I'm saying is it's a lifelong activity. It will certainly pay off more than it causes discomfort-- self knowledge is what you need: - to keep toxic people out of your life (who would bring you sadness and distress) - to bring good people into your life (who will bring you joy and happiness) - to have functional and rewarding relationships with these people - to understand what you really hate in life (to avoid these things, or manage these things when you have no choice) - to understand what you really love in life (to bring more of this into your life) - to know what you feel and why you feel it (to reduce confusion (and anxiety eventually)) - to respect other peoples' emotions (because you can empathize) - to help your offspring know who they are and what they want in life so they can go after it from the beginning to the end - to help your offspring minimize unhappiness and anxiety in their own lives and be happy
Alexandru Stan Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Yeravos I have had a very similar experience in dealing with my childhood but still being full of anxiety or fear. I still am. But I think I am figuring out where it is arising from. For example I worked around what seemed like verbally abusive co-workers. I would always have a negative reaction to them, and for a time it was hard to tell if it was because I was doing my job wrong or their treatment of me was just inappropriate and abusive. I might not be right in this, but for me I understand now that there is a little bit of truth with all the abuse. Like a co-worker yelling at me that I was not doing my job correctly might be helping me spot the problem in my behaviour but at the same time the aggressive tone or threat or wtvr other abuse might make me defensive to change my behavior (negative stimuli attached to the criticism). That sort of behavior always fogs my capacity to move forward since it's something that I would experience when I was younger, and dependent.I still have not escaped the anxiety, I have actually started procrastinating and isolating myself, on the contrary of what I would need to move forward as I perceive it. In my experience so far with self knowledge and blaming my parents I have not reached a point of no anxiety or no pain. But I do know that when I am around them I feel uncomfortable, scared and fearful. Same as my past work environment sometimes. I have recently quit my work due to some incident and I have felt a huge load of anxiety lift off of me.As to " is it a fantasy, " I don't personalty know yet, but I would not walk around as if I have not been abused. Well that is poor wording. I would not pretend that I have not been abused but I would also be aware of my environment and make sure it is appropriate to discuss those topics . I am trying to get help with therapy and through here, that is my way of getting more tools to learn about myself . My experience of talking about that stuff at work or with some people has been poorly received, and sometimes inappropriate ( work environment); so I avoid it if the environment is not suited.Tyler's analogy is good, if you build a strong base to build on, then you will deff. relieve yourself from the fear that your building might collapse, and you have to start again.And I would not march straight through my anxiety. I look for where it is originating and see if I have to change or my environment has to.I just wanted to add my experience. I don't think I have an answer to weather there is a light at the end of the tunnel because I have not experienced that myself. But I think part of the answer has something to do with personal choice and self-knowledge. My guess.
Yeravos Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Working on self-knowledge is like laying the groundwork for a skyscraper. It's a hell of a lot of work and it's not always fun. Especially when it's cold and when all the people around you are just setting up tents and huts. Even when you've completed the task it may still feel unrewarding because after all that hard work you still don't have anything to show for it, you don't even have a roof over your head. You may have the groundwork but you still need to build the entire damn skyscraper. But once you start on the actual skyscraper you soon notice how much easier it is than you would have expected, simply because you laid the groundwork first. And before you know it you've built a few stories and suddenly your building is the tallest building around. Other people even start to imitate you because they're so impressed, but their buildings keep collapsing because they don't have the groundwork. And meanwhile you're starting to enjoy the construction process, you're enjoying it more every day, and your skyscraper keeps growing and growing. Other people start asking if they can rent rooms in this magnificent skyscraper of yours and nobody understands how you've been able to build something so impressive in such a short amount of time. And you will look back on those early days when it was cold and rainy while you were digging around in the dirt, and you'll understand why it all looked so grim, but you'll realize that it was more than worth it. That's very nicely put... Very beautiful. But, I don't feel a connection to it. Like, I can't even see the groundwork I know I have built. It's like, I have been constructing it, but now... it's gone, vanished from sight. Like it was never was there to begin with. And writing this, I realize that I get these feelings. Feelings of none-accomplishment, where there is accomplishment. Like nothing I do really matters. It's just vaporized. Really interesting thoughts Yeravos and Tyler Durden. I agree that it pays off... actually the payoff is unlimited. And to play on the skyscraper analogy, it's going to take a lot of time to build it... and even when you think it's built, there's a shit load of maintenance you have to do so the skyscraper doesn't crumble to the ground. I guess what I'm saying is it's a lifelong activity. It will certainly pay off more than it causes discomfort-- self knowledge is what you need: - to keep toxic people out of your life (who would bring you sadness and distress) - to bring good people into your life (who will bring you joy and happiness) - to have functional and rewarding relationships with these people - to understand what you really hate in life (to avoid these things, or manage these things when you have no choice) - to understand what you really love in life (to bring more of this into your life) - to know what you feel and why you feel it (to reduce confusion (and anxiety eventually)) - to respect other peoples' emotions (because you can empathize) - to help your offspring know who they are and what they want in life so they can go after it from the beginning to the end - to help your offspring minimize unhappiness and anxiety in their own lives and be happy What you are saying is making sense. But, emotionally, I am not connecting to it. And I would not march straight through my anxiety. I look for where it is originating and see if I have to change or my environment has to. I think this is where my question is. Having an anxiety, and then either feeling from the environment that is causing that anxiety to rise, or changing yourself. That's what I am asking. Is that possible? Can you change yourself, so that your anxiety isn't so bad anymore? I think I know the answer myself. I think, maybe I just need to hear it from someone else, to have it verified. To be given some hope. Yeravos I have had a very similar experience in dealing with my childhood but still being full of anxiety or fear. I still am. But I think I am figuring out where it is arising from. For example I worked around what seemed like verbally abusive co-workers. I would always have a negative reaction to them, and for a time it was hard to tell if it was because I was doing my job wrong or their treatment of me was just inappropriate and abusive. I might not be right in this, but for me I understand now that there is a little bit of truth with all the abuse. Like a co-worker yelling at me that I was not doing my job correctly might be helping me spot the problem in my behaviour but at the same time the aggressive tone or threat or wtvr other abuse might make me defensive to change my behavior (negative stimuli attached to the criticism). That sort of behavior always fogs my capacity to move forward since it's something that I would experience when I was younger, and dependent. I am sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety, and I can relate a great deal with it. Would you mind sharing on what your childhood was like? I still have not escaped the anxiety, I have actually started procrastinating and isolating myself, on the contrary of what I would need to move forward as I perceive it. I have had experience with this myself. Keep up the fight for yourself, and hang in there!
Kevin Beal Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Since I started pursuing self-knowledge last year, I have had the thought in the back of my mind, that if I just get enough self-knowledge, if I just get over x obstacles in my mind, if I just put the right amount of blame on this parent, it will all work out on it's own. That I won't really have to do anything, that all my anxieties, all my pain will go away. That I'll emerge a superhero from the smoking rubble of my childhood. That's the thought I have had in my mind since day 1 of self-knowledge. First off, congratulations! You're one of a tiny number. We don't know yet how you will benefit from the wisdom you're gaining, but one thing is certain: you have many more opportunities open to you That being said, I see the problem you're putting forward, and it's a tough one for sure, but I think I do have a perspective that may help. For a long time I would feel an existential anxiety or depression and think "I'll be happy once I achieve X", but I think there is actually some strong science that should give anyone thinking that pause. There is a good TED Talk about this. Basically, if you think about it, best case scenario, I achieve X and then I've got nothing to sustain it except coming up with my new goal Y and then it starts all over again. And there's no guarantee that it will make me happy. Maybe we're thinking about it backward. That it's actually happiness that can best motivate us to achieve our goals. And that's what the science seems to suggest. All these vaguely new age types out there who have plastic smiles and hair triggers really irritate me, but I think there's one thing they've got right, when they focus on finding things to be grateful for and appreciating what they've already got. Never at the expense of your actual experience, but in my own experience, I've been very surprised by the number of things that I can be grateful for that I never think about. It hadn't occurred to me, for example, that never being satisfied with shallow intimate relationships actually means I am not going to fall into those relationships I saw growing up with mutually depressive bullshit. I am asking myself, and you incredibly kind and intelligent people, is this fantasy? Is there, in fact, no point in self-knowledge, where you can feel free from your anxieties? Free from your pain? That no matter how much you grieve, how much you cry out in anger, you will never really be free from your anxieties. That instead, self-knowledge and grieving makes you understand, that you are not a defenseless child at the mercy of cruel parents anymore. And that you simply need to grit your teeth through your everyday anxieties. Because living like you hadn't been abused, is the only thing you can do. I know that there is a point where I felt much less anxious. I still get anxious, for sure, but I can tolerate that anxiety better and there is less of it. But I've been at it ~5 years with regular therapy for almost 4 of them. I've spent a ton of time and money and emotional energy working at it. For me, the biggest growth has been in the last year or so. In my experience, it gets progressively easier. I think the reason for that is a combination of things. I've been able to become more self sustaining in a lot of ways, more financially secure and that sort of thing (in big part because of self work, I believe). I've been cultivating healthier relationships and feel a greater amount of security around that, being able to say to the people around me that I'm anxious or desperate. And just more experience being connected to myself, and because I'm a good guy with good judgment, I feel more like I can rely on myself. I think also that when I feel depressed, my whole life past, present and future feels depressed. The entirety of reality and knowledge feels depressing. And I forget that only a few days ago I felt joy and that it was genuine and that I can look forward to feeling joy another day. It's like an emotional amnesia, or even worse nihilism. That nihilism is a big warning sign for me that I need to change something quick. Usually I go outside and get some sun and vitamin D and it helps. Is there a real light at the end of the tunnel? Or is that something one has to imagine there being, to push on through life? I think there definitely can be a light. But it's gotta come from your own hard work. Talking about self work like if you do it like a religious ritual, the gods (or my unconscious) will be pleased and grant you a happy week or month. I think that's a little passive, actually. I think doing anything at all is certainly better than nothing, but ideally you'd be doing your work toward specific goals (other than happiness). For example, I want to get better at communicating ideas to people, sort of like paying forward the things I've learned from listening to this show and engaging the people in the community, and so I've been having these deeper conversations over skype. Aside from being enjoyable, I learn a lot about how talking actual philosophy works. And I'm connecting with more people who I can actually talk to, for real, without feeling guarded, and in so doing feel more secure in myself and my relationships. I feel more free to be who I want to be than ever before. In a strange way, you could say that I didn't even know it was an option in the past. And I think that's what this knowledge offers you: more opportunities. There is some advice Jack Dorsey had that I thought was great. He said that one of the best skills you can develop is to recognize opportunities when they come up and run with them.
Yeravos Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 Thank you for your wise words Kevin. I am feeling a lot better after having a good nights sleep. A very interesting TED talk... I'll see to it that I'll revisit it. That's something I get from time to time, emontional amnesia as you called it (clever term btw!). When I forget about the really goods days I have had, just a few days ago. I think that is what I have to to some more work on: Having ways of appreciating what I already have, when I am feeling down. Seeing what I have accomplished, and understanding that this is merely the beginning of my new life. I have come so far that I cannot be defeated now. I am the master of my own destiny, and I can see to it that I become a vibrant, joyous, courageous, kind human being, and help others do the same. Thank you for your honesty, all of you who responded. It's a privilege to live in a time with such wise and kind souls I can reach out to Again, thank you.
Lians Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Hello everyone! I had some thoughts that I wanted to share. Since I started pursuing self-knowledge last year, I have had the thought in the back of my mind, that if I just get enough self-knowledge, if I just get over x obstacles in my mind, if I just put the right amount of blame on this parent, it will all work out on it's own. That I won't really have to do anything, that all my anxieties, all my pain will go away. That I'll emerge a superhero from the smoking rubble of my childhood. That's the thought I have had in my mind since day 1 of self-knowledge. I am asking myself, and you incredibly kind and intelligent people, is this fantasy? Is there, in fact, no point in self-knowledge, where you can feel free from your anxieties? Free from your pain? That no matter how much you grieve, how much you cry out in anger, you will never really be free from your anxieties. That instead, self-knowledge and grieving makes you understand, that you are not a defenseless child at the mercy of cruel parents anymore. And that you simply need to grit your teeth through your everyday anxieties. Because living like you hadn't been abused, is the only thing you can do. That turned out way more depressing than I intended. What I mean to say is, is perhaps one of the biggest parts of self-knowledge, to trust yourself to know, that your anxieties where useful in the past, but just something you have to challenge to get through your life, in the present? To take a strong stand for yourself in the face of your past traumas. Or am I wrong? Is there a real light at the end of the tunnel? Or is that something one has to imagine there being, to push on through life? I feel like I am calling people liars when I am writing this... I am sorry if that is indeed the case, I don't think people would lie about something like that... Maybe it's because I am feeling down at the moment. I didn't even realise that until now. If what I am saying is correct, that you just have to march on despite feeling anxious about things, maybe that personal responsability is just really hitting me now. Maybe that's why I feel down. I don't mean any harm with what I just wrote. But, if there is harm in it, please let me know! Any comment would be highly appriciated, as always. When I first started going down the path of self-knowledge I had to figure out what goals I wanted to pursue. "To be free of pain and fear." "To have the ability to brush off any and all anxieties." "Calm and contemplative personality." "Unwavering happiness!" These are all goals I came up with and I never managed to achieve any of them! I had to challenge all my premises about self-knowledge when I was inevitably forced to confront this failure. Is there such a thing as life without pain and fear? Is it even healthy to not experience those feelings? Are anxieties, in fact, helpful? On and on it went--the seemingly endless questioning that, at times, left me completely lost and confused. However, what came out of this process was the goal of being a loving husband and father; a man who, at the end of his life, has given to the world infinitely more love and happiness than he received at the beginning of it. I then asked myself: How do I become this person? I can't say that I've got all the answers yet, but no amount of pain, fear or anxiety seems overwhelming compared to this new goal.
Kevin Beal Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I think Lians makes a great point, for that's worth, but I wanted to add that while you cannot divorce yourself from fear and anxiety, I think that something you can work out of your life is self attack. The reason I bring that up is because so often for me, anxiety was quickly followed up by self attack or self loathing (since self attack has the connotation of being like physical abuse, like cutting). And instead of the anxiety informing me about situations, it would shut me down completely and I wasn't learning from the anxiety. The anxiety would be followed up with thoughts like "if I'm so anxious and other people aren't that must mean that I'm immature or overly sensitive" and this sort of thing. Or thoughts like "people won't like me, women won't find me attractive if I'm this anxious this often". And I think that's a real problem and one I'm finally getting out of. Some great podcasts on the subject: FDR1815 Flourishing Through Self Attack - A Mecosystem Listener Conversation FDR1394 Self Attack Through Fog - A Conversation FDR1392 Depression, Self Attack, Authority - A Masters Thesis FDR1258 Integrity and Self Attack (Convo) FDR1191 Ending Self Attacks - A Listener Conversation FDR957 Overcoming Self Abuse
Yeravos Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 When I first started going down the path of self-knowledge I had to figure out what goals I wanted to pursue. "To be free of pain and fear." "To have the ability to brush off any and all anxieties." "Calm and contemplative personality." "Unwavering happiness!" These are all goals I came up with and I never managed to achieve any of them! I had to challenge all my premises about self-knowledge when I was inevitably forced to confront this failure. Is there such a thing as life without pain and fear? Is it even healthy to not experience those feelings? Are anxieties, in fact, helpful? On and on it went--the seemingly endless questioning that, at times, left me completely lost and confused. However, what came out of this process was the goal of being a loving husband and father; a man who, at the end of his life, has given to the world infinitely more love and happiness than he received at the beginning of it. I then asked myself: How do I become this person? I can't say that I've got all the answers yet, but no amount of pain, fear or anxiety seems overwhelming compared to this new goal. I guess I am approaching, or am already in a similar questioning phase like the one you describe Lians. ''Is there such a thing as life without pain and fear?'' I have contemplated this before. And saying no to that question evokes some sadness in me. But also some bravery. Thank you for sharing Lians, I appreciate it! I think Lians makes a great point, for that's worth, but I wanted to add that while you cannot divorce yourself from fear and anxiety, I think that something you can work out of your life is self attack. The reason I bring that up is because so often for me, anxiety was quickly followed up by self attack or self loathing (since self attack has the connotation of being like physical abuse, like cutting). And instead of the anxiety informing me about situations, it would shut me down completely and I wasn't learning from the anxiety. This made me think. It's actually something I discussed with my therapist today (the topic was anxiety surrounding getting a job), and that I would imagine job situations going to hell before I had had them, and getting extremely anxious because I want to get a job and make money. Maybe self-loathing plays into that aswell (I am bad/worthless etc, therefore I will fired, or not hired). I will listen to the podcasts you linked to, thank you very much Kevin
tjt Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 What you are saying is making sense. But, emotionally, I am not connecting to it. I hear ya. I realized I might have had a moment of emotional amnesia, like Kevin Beal was describing earlier... only positive emotions erased my past experiences of negative emotions. I'm sorry for just vomitting positivity on you, it seems like a lack of empathy for you and now I'm realizing also a lack of empathy for myself in those times when I've felt depressed/anxious/manic and I thought everything around me was going to crumble and there'd be nothing left. So I am very sorry you are going through this, I still think it will pay off I think Lians makes a great point, for that's worth, but I wanted to add that while you cannot divorce yourself from fear and anxiety, I think that something you can work out of your life is self attack. The reason I bring that up is because so often for me, anxiety was quickly followed up by self attack or self loathing (since self attack has the connotation of being like physical abuse, like cutting). And instead of the anxiety informing me about situations, it would shut me down completely and I wasn't learning from the anxiety. The anxiety would be followed up with thoughts like "if I'm so anxious and other people aren't that must mean that I'm immature or overly sensitive" and this sort of thing. Or thoughts like "people won't like me, women won't find me attractive if I'm this anxious this often". And I think that's a real problem and one I'm finally getting out of. Some great podcasts on the subject: FDR1815 Flourishing Through Self Attack - A Mecosystem Listener Conversation FDR1394 Self Attack Through Fog - A Conversation FDR1392 Depression, Self Attack, Authority - A Masters Thesis FDR1258 Integrity and Self Attack (Convo) FDR1191 Ending Self Attacks - A Listener Conversation FDR957 Overcoming Self Abuse Very impactful insight you've shared, Kevin Beal. I find it very helpful the way you've differentiated negative emotions from self attack. Emotions, even negative ones, play an important role in our lives and are necessary. Protecting us from abusers and dangerous situations, signaling that there's something from our past that we need to work out, etc. I've found a lot of value in learning how to recognize what emotion I'm feeling, how to have empathy for myself in feeling that emotion, and how to decode what it means-- (for functional individuals, I suppose they'd call this following your gut instinct. For those of us who have the-world's-largest-onion worth of layers of false self, it's a very intentional and meticulous process getting in touch with the gut, and peeling away those layers.) Anyways, for me, it is self attack that is toxic and ends up unjustly perpetuating negative emotions. And I think you're right, It is self attack that can be lessened with self knowledge. Thanks for also providing this list of podcasts!
Yeravos Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I hear ya. I realized I might have had a moment of emotional amnesia, like Kevin Beal was describing earlier... only positive emotions erased my past experiences of negative emotions. I'm sorry for just vomitting positivity on you, it seems like a lack of empathy for you and now I'm realizing myself in those times when I've felt depressed/anxious/manic and I thought everything around me was going to crumble and there'd be nothing left. So I am very sorry you are going through this, I still think it will pay off It's ok.Thanks for the now shown empathy! On a sidenote, by Stef's bald head, that's a BIG onion!
Lians Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 ''Is there such a thing as life without pain and fear?'' I have contemplated this before. And saying no to that question evokes some sadness in me. But also some bravery. Paradoxically, the happier I become the more fear I tend to experience! This is because there's a lot more for me to lose now, should I decide to slip into old habits. These days I feel quite comfortable with the fear and the acceptance of this "negative" emotion makes me feel truly alive. In a way, the feeling's there as a reminder of what I value. Also, by opening my heart I invite the possibility of experiencing a lot more pain. Accepting emotional pain as a healthy feeling has helped tremendously in my ability to be vulnerable with the people I love. You could even say that the avoidance of pain hindered my capacity to love and be loved because I was always hiding inside my armoured shell. I need to mention that I've done quite a lot of work in decoupling fear and pain from my childhood experiences. Not reacting to historical trauma makes me a lot more comfortable with those feelings. I believe you're already doing that in therapy so keep at it!
Mishelle Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 For me the doubt means one thing: you are not using your fear, pain, anguish, anxiety, for their learning value, and maybe instead trying to bypass the discomfort. At least this has been my experience. I really agree with Lians too, really knowing your unique, end-of-life goal, because I do think these are unique for each of us. I think redefining your relationship with these difficult parts is your next step. Are you in therapy? If not, like coaching, it's someone who can really help you keep your eye on the ball. Maybe this book would be helpful for you: Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition:Amazon:Books For me, in the beginning I thought love was the goal, then I found love. Then I thought happiness was the goal, and I got happiness. Then I thought peace was the goal, and now I have peace. My actual goal is evolution, because when we evolve ourselves individually it reflects back and emanates and expands, so we actually are evolving society as a whole. It's not meant to feel good all the time, there are growing pains, and boring plateaus, and glass ceilings, all showing you where to pay attention. Hope this is helpful and hope you find the path to your true self very soon!
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