How can I help my mother with empty nest syndrome?

[Grizwald]

So I am just beginning to become independent. I am about to be 19 and ever since I've gotten my car and gotten out of the house more I rarely see my mom but when I do I can feel as though she is more depressed. Not talkative and when she does speak to me it is in a kind of melancholy tone. 

 

I think she might be becoming depressed because of a couple things: me and my 3 other siblings growing up, the loss of most of her family (5 uncles in about 6 or 7 years so she doesn't have much family left to talk to), not many friends to talk to and struggling financially. 

 

I've never actually been very intimate with her or my father so I don't know how to deal with this.  

[dsayers]

Why do you want to help? Not saying you shouldn't, but it wasn't mentioned in your post.

 

What is she like as a person? Was she nurturing to her offspring? Do they/you have reason to make time for her in your lives?

 

Typically, people who experience discomfort in being alone lack self-knowledge. I think this is more true in the case of empty nest since this is a set of circumstances that would've been predictable some 18+ years in advance. I'm not trying to pass judgement on her specifically. It could just be that I'm only getting your interpretation of temporary stimulus. What do you think?

[Kevin Beal]

You could just talk to her about it. Express your concern and ask if there's any way you could help. You could bring her flowers or do other nice gestures if you wanted to.

 

I don't know your mother, but if you feel a desire to manage her emotions, then, personally, I would run screaming, haha.

 

And it's not your job. Why doesn't your dad or your other siblings do it? Why you, the child who has recently left the nest? It would be a shame if you got stuck in that child at home role, right?

[LovePrevails]

I think Kevin suggestion of talking oto her about it and lending a good ear is probably right.

 

You can't manage or fix other people but being able to talk about what we're upset about and receive understanding often leads to a drop in the intensity of unpleasant emotions.

[Grizwald]

Why do you want to help? Not saying you shouldn't, but it wasn't mentioned in your post.

 

What is she like as a person? Was she nurturing to her offspring? Do they/you have reason to make time for her in your lives?

 

Typically, people who experience discomfort in being alone lack self-knowledge. I think this is more true in the case of empty nest since this is a set of circumstances that would've been predictable some 18+ years in advance. I'm not trying to pass judgement on her specifically. It could just be that I'm only getting your interpretation of temporary stimulus. What do you think?

 

Well I just don't want to see her depressed or anything like that and I'm not sure how to handle this or that. And yes shes always been a very caring mother to all of us. 

 

And thank you Kevin for the suggestions. 

 

I've just realized that I don't have any real emotional bond with my mother or father, which is also probably in part causing this. I feel like I have freaking autism and I can't express my emotions.

[dsayers]

I feel like I have freaking autism and I can't express my emotions.

 

You cannot express your emotions or they need for you not to? I may be way out of line, but it sounds like you're owning something that was inflicted upon you.

[Grizwald]

You cannot express your emotions or they need for you not to? I may be way out of line, but it sounds like you're owning something that was inflicted upon you.

 

I can't think of anything that was ever inflicted upon me. And its more like they aren't interested in my emotions while at the same time I haven't much expressed any toward them. Although whenever I did they WERE interested. I guess what I'm trying to say is they aren't outwardly interested in my emotions. That's not to say they are at any fault though.

[Kevin Beal]

I can't think of anything that was ever inflicted upon me. And its more like they aren't interested in my emotions while at the same time I haven't much expressed any toward them. Although whenever I did they WERE interested. I guess what I'm trying to say is they aren't outwardly interested in my emotions. That's not to say they are at any fault though.

With the people close to me in my life who I consider friends, I actively take an interest in their well being, ask about the progress of things and the goals that they have, and if it comes up even a tiny bit ask them to elaborate on their feelings about things.

 

And these are adults who have their own support structures and independence to whatever degrees. A child is completely dependent on their parents to develop the necessary skills to become their own competent adults.

 

If it's the case that they weren't even doing the friend thing when you were a child, I would be (and have been) pretty upset about it. I don't know that you would need to do or not do anything because of it, but the idea of a child (like myself as a child) who didn't have parents taking an active interest even to the level of my friendships (which are in a lot of ways less important than parent-child relationships) really upsets me. It feels like a massive injustice. Because how else am I supposed to learn to connect with other people if they aren't doing it with me? Well, by spending years in therapy as it turned out.

 

Maybe there's no need or cause for upset in your case, but I thought I'd share anyway.

[ribuck]

In that situation, I wouldn't sweat it. Just keep in touch, and drop by for a chat now and then. There's no need to feel uncomfortable or guilty about anything.

 

If/when you have children, you'll probably get to know your mother again in a new way, as adult-to-adult.