FDR...I need help and a fresh perspective.

[LandOfAus]

Here's the story

 

I've been a FDR watcher/listener/reader for a long time now although I don't post here much.  This doesn't really pertain to typical FDR content, but this is the only place I feel comfortable airing this out because I feel like I have, at least, something in common with you all and I value your feedback.  At this point I just need some fresh perspective besides mine because this problem just makes my head spin and spin and I never seem to get anywhere. 

 

After I finished professional school 4 years ago I moved myself and my family overseas (from the US to Australia).  We took our 2 kids away from their grandparents for the sake of an opportunity that was, at first, very good for us.  The first two years the company I work for had to sponsor me for my immigration work visa (as an employee).  All was well.  I was learning business from the best, making decent money, starting to pay down my monster student loan in the states....things were good.  This is where the good stops.  I had a very specific plan of progress when I came here, and that plan has been absolutely trounced.  

 

The general summary of what happened is that, after my first two years, my company sponsored me on a new type of VISA which gave me permanent residency.  In the past, permanent residency meant that you could become an independent contractor for the company and thus get a sizeable increase in pay and the ability to write off far more than you could as an employee as well as freely direct your own retirement account.  However, my company had a meeting with a lawyer and found out that being a contractor wasn't as easy as they thought it was as a permanent resident, but assured me with certainty that I could still be classified as a contractor IF I applied for a specific type of VISA.  The thing is that once I applied for this VISA my company forgot that this conversation ever happened.  I am now stuck as an employee because my company misled me (either maliciously or ignorantly) and they refuse to take any responsibility or compensate me in any way.  The reason it's such a big deal is because one of the conditions on the VISA I am on is that I am REQUIRED to stay with the company for two years as an employee before I can become a contractor or leave the company and start my own.  So, because of this mistake, I'm basically a slave to this company. If I quit or get fired for any reason during this two year period, I stand to lose my permanent residency visa and thus my ability to work in the country.  This would essentially bankrupt my family and destroy my career.

 

Since I got this visa the company has changed a great deal (new owners) and the company is just shit to work for.  I don't know what to do any more.

 

The real problem here is my head space.  I'm paid on performance (I get a percentage of office collections) and my head space is, for lack of a better word, fucked.  My family is so beautiful and understanding, but inside I'm consistently teetering on the threshold of depression.  I have no joy at work, and my clients can sense it.  I've got no enthusiasm or optimism about anything any more.  The whole experience has just drained me of positivity.  I feel like 60% of every dollar I collect goes to the people who manipulated me, so I just don't try.  It's not good for my finances or my head, but I can't seem to get out of this rut.

 

I've gotten to the point where I actually feel bad for people I work with who didn't know me before all of this went down.  All they know is this gruff guy who doesn't want to be there.  I used to be a different person and I'm afraid he's just not there.

 

Guys, I just don't know how to recover.  I've got just over a year left of this indentured servitude, my performance is dropping rapidly, and I'm really scared I won't be able to support my family soon...yet there doesn't seem to be anything I can do or think that brings me out of this mess emotionally.  

 

I need something to focus on or some perspective to get me thinking differently and I was hoping you guys could help.

[powder]

Sorry to hear about your dilemma Landof Aus, that is a tough situation.  I would never presume to advise anyone on what they should do or how they should live their lives, I can only provide my own perspective of my own life and how I have lived it, perhaps that will be of some small value.  

 

I did not have a great family life and upbringing but I did get a remarkable gift pertaining to career and life choices.  I am fearless and decisive with how I live my life - relationships, well, I didn't get such good training there...  When I was growing up I remember 3 specific instances when my dad found himself in situations where his job was unbearable for him, he never stayed with in a toxic situation but moved on and continued to have a rewarding work life that only got better.  We were 8 children and every dollar of his weekly paycheck was gone by saturday, no unemployment insurance or any way to sustain the family for even a week without work.  Still, with the encouragement of my mom he walked away and every time ended up with a better job before the end of the week.  I was very impressed with that.  

 

I have had an incredibly successful and fulfilling work life and I have walked away from some wonderful jobs (and pension plans and benefits) when I knew it was time to move on, never hesitating, no fear.  I never did what I was told was 'sensible' but I always listened to my gut, it is never wrong.   I have been self employed for over 20 years with an amazingly fulfilling occupation (artist).  

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can have that feeling, I think it turns us into good fortune magnets.  All the best.  

[andkon]

So here's the bad stuff:

 

1. VISA that shouldn't be needed, statism sucks indeed.

2. Employer possibly lied and took advantage of the above for their own benefit.

 

You cannot change either. Here's what you can decide between now:

 

1. If you walk out now you will "essentially bankrupt my family and destroy my career"

2. Continue with "just over a year left of this indentured servitude"

 

So which is better or more preferable, given that (from what I've read -- feel free to correct me) there's no other options available?

 

I get the feeling that you're let down and it's more about that than the practicality of choosing the better option: "assured me with certainty" (your emphasis). Has something like this happened before where others take advantage of you and you're stuck with bad options? I would explore that, if relevant.

[Tyler Durden]

Okay, let's replace your perspective with a more accurate and resourceful one.

 

The problem that you're experiencing consists of 3 segments:

1. you think that you had control

2. you think that this control has been taken away from you by others

3. you think that these others are currently controlling your life and will continue to do so for the next year

 

It's understandable that you have these thoughts, but all of them are partly incorrect and cause you to feel trapped. If you want to get rid of this feeling you have to correct these thoughts, so let's go over them one by one:

 

1. You never had full control. For as long as you've been in Australia you've been an immigrant. The only reason you were able to get an immigration work visa was because you worked for that company. That company is the reason you got to stay in the country. The Australian government has had control over you since the beginning you just didn't feel it as much because you were doing exactly what you wanted to do anyway. But the government had as much control over you as they have now, even more actually, because you didn't have permanent residency then.

 

2. Nobody took any control away from you. In your entire post you emphasized only 2 words: "with certainty". But the truth is, certainty is an illusion, it doesn't exist in the real world. All we have is a spectrum ranging from complete uncertainty to near-certainty. So you made a mistake here. You got told that it was certain and you didn't turn that into a probability in your head. You didn't say to yourself "this company tells me it's certain, but they have been wrong once before because they just found out that making me a contractor wasn't as easy as they thought as a permanent resident, so even though they spoke to a lawyer there's still a chance that this information is incorrect as well, I'm going to interpret their certainty as 80% certain". You didn't double check the information, you didn't visit another lawyer, you just blindly relied on what they told you. You misjudged the situation, you made a mistake. Take full responsibility for it and stop blaming them. Yes they made a mistake, but you made a mistake too by not double checking what they told you. And because this topic is so important to you and you already knew that they weren't experts on it I would argue that your mistake is bigger than theirs.

 

3. Nobody is controlling your life and you're certainly no slave. You made a series of decisions that have nothing to do with the company you work for. You decided to go to college and build up a monster student loan, you decided to start a family with 2 kids, and you decided to move to another country where you're bound to visa rules that you wouldn't otherwise be bound to. All of these decisions add up and take away flexibility from your life. But they have nothing to do with your company. Your company was just there in Australia minding its own business while you were making these decisions all on your own. So if you feel unfree it's because of the decisions that you made, in this entire story they have made a total of 1 mistake, and even that mistake could have been corrected if you had been more proactive. So once again, take full responsibility and stop blaming them. Also, realize that you always have the option to quit, but you'll probably get in trouble if you do. So regardless of how you came here, this company and the work that they provide you with is better than any of the alternatives at this moment. They're your best option and they're providing you with decent money and with stability.

 

So the main point that I'm trying to make is, take full responsibility if you want to be happy again. The more responsibility you shift onto other people the less in control you're going to feel. Life is a series of choices, it's not something that happens to you. And if you're unhappy with your situation and you take responsibility you empower yourself. You allow yourself to feel the consequences of your mistakes, learn from them, and grow.

 

You have only 1 year left to learn how to make the best of an unfavorable situation, make sure you get as much out of it as you can.

[RuralRon]

Wow Tyler, that was harsh and brutally honest, but your analysis is spot on it seems to me. I myself could stand to hear that message more often.

[LandOfAus]

So here's the bad stuff:

 

1. VISA that shouldn't be needed, statism sucks indeed.

2. Employer possibly lied and took advantage of the above for their own benefit.

 

You cannot change either. Here's what you can decide between now:

 

1. If you walk out now you will "essentially bankrupt my family and destroy my career"

2. Continue with "just over a year left of this indentured servitude"

 

So which is better or more preferable, given that (from what I've read -- feel free to correct me) there's no other options available?

 

I get the feeling that you're let down and it's more about that than the practicality of choosing the better option: "assured me with certainty" (your emphasis). Has something like this happened before where others take advantage of you and you're stuck with bad options? I would explore that, if relevant.

 

I think you've hit it on the head here in terms of being let down.  I think I treat people honourably and honestly and I expect the same from them.  I feel like if I don't get what I give, why should I break my back for their business?

 

As far as it happening before (which I assume you mean, "is this a pattern in my life") it's hard to say but something worth exploring.  I know, for a fact, that I truly have a problem with people having control or authority over me....hence the anarcho-capitalism leaning.  It has never settled well with me, but it has only been recently that I understood how badly I desire the freedom to create, and manage my own business.

Okay, let's replace your perspective with a more accurate and resourceful one.

 

The problem that you're experiencing consists of 3 segments:

1. you think that you had control

2. you think that this control has been taken away from you by others

3. you think that these others are currently controlling your life and will continue to do so for the next year

 

It's understandable that you have these thoughts, but all of them are partly incorrect and cause you to feel trapped. If you want to get rid of this feeling you have to correct these thoughts, so let's go over them one by one:

 

1. You never had full control. For as long as you've been in Australia you've been an immigrant. The only reason you were able to get an immigration work visa was because you worked for that company. That company is the reason you got to stay in the country. The Australian government has had control over you since the beginning you just didn't feel it as much because you were doing exactly what you wanted to do anyway. But the government had as much control over you as they have now, even more actually, because you didn't have permanent residency then.

 

2. Nobody took any control away from you. In your entire post you emphasized only 2 words: "with certainty". But the truth is, certainty is an illusion, it doesn't exist in the real world. All we have is a spectrum ranging from complete uncertainty to near-certainty. So you made a mistake here. You got told that it was certain and you didn't turn that into a probability in your head. You didn't say to yourself "this company tells me it's certain, but they have been wrong once before because they just found out that making me a contractor wasn't as easy as they thought as a permanent resident, so even though they spoke to a lawyer there's still a chance that this information is incorrect as well, I'm going to interpret their certainty as 80% certain". You didn't double check the information, you didn't visit another lawyer, you just blindly relied on what they told you. You misjudged the situation, you made a mistake. Take full responsibility for it and stop blaming them. Yes they made a mistake, but you made a mistake too by not double checking what they told you. And because this topic is so important to you and you already knew that they weren't experts on it I would argue that your mistake is bigger than theirs.

 

3. Nobody is controlling your life and you're certainly no slave. You made a series of decisions that have nothing to do with the company you work for. You decided to go to college and build up a monster student loan, you decided to start a family with 2 kids, and you decided to move to another country where you're bound to visa rules that you wouldn't otherwise be bound to. All of these decisions add up and take away flexibility from your life. But they have nothing to do with your company. Your company was just there in Australia minding its own business while you were making these decisions all on your own. So if you feel unfree it's because of the decisions that you made, in this entire story they have made a total of 1 mistake, and even that mistake could have been corrected if you had been more proactive. So once again, take full responsibility and stop blaming them. Also, realize that you always have the option to quit, but you'll probably get in trouble if you do. So regardless of how you came here, this company and the work that they provide you with is better than any of the alternatives at this moment. They're your best option and they're providing you with decent money and with stability.

 

So the main point that I'm trying to make is, take full responsibility if you want to be happy again. The more responsibility you shift onto other people the less in control you're going to feel. Life is a series of choices, it's not something that happens to you. And if you're unhappy with your situation and you take responsibility you empower yourself. You allow yourself to feel the consequences of your mistakes, learn from them, and grow.

 

You have only 1 year left to learn how to make the best of an unfavorable situation, make sure you get as much out of it as you can.

I fear this is is what I have been missing.  Denial I suppose.  Thank you.

[LandOfAus]

Ok, so I want to thank those of you who responded.  Especially Tyler.  That one meant a lot and I printed it out.    Now, in true FDR form, I'm going to try to get answers from my past here.  Much of this will pertain to Tyler Durden's response to me.

 

Why am I like this?  Why are a lot of people like this?  Is there any commonality?

 

Have any of you felt similarly in a situation like this?

 

Is it simply human instinct to want others to be responsible so you can blame them?  Is it a natural defence mechanism to keep from having to own up to reality and not deal with the truth?

 

Or is there some root to it that only happens with some people, that can be found through analysing your life?

[powder]

Why am I like this?  CHECK WITH YOUR PARENTS

 

Why are a lot of people like this?  CHECK WITH THEIR PARENTS

 

Is there any commonality?  CHECK WITH THEIR PARENTS

 

Have any of you felt similarly in a situation like this?  YES

 

Is it simply human instinct to want others to be responsible so you can blame them?  NO

 

Is it a natural defence mechanism to keep from having to own up to reality and not deal with the truth?  NO

 

Or is there some root to it that only happens with some people, that can be found through analysing your life?  YES, FIND A GOOD COUNSELLOR