Pain in my gut after uncomfortable experience

[Auriion]

Hey guys,

 

I'm not sure I understand what's going on with me here so I'm curious what you all think is the issue.

 

I work with a web development company as a senior developer. I've been here 3 or 4 years and my happiness level with it has had its ups and downs, but never the kind of down I've experienced yesterday.

 

The lead up to this event was that I had my team lead, whom I had a good connection to, leave for another job. Not so long afterward a new developer was hired and then after some time was promoted to team lead over me. He is an experienced individual with more time under his belt than me so it made sense.

 

However, my connection with the new lead wasn't as active as it was with my previous lead. Then I decided to take on a project with a longer timeline. This ended up kind of isolating me from the rest of the group including my team lead.

 

I thought things were fine though because my team lead and I would have one on one's roughly once a month and the conversations were lively and positive. He seemed ok with my isolation in light of my longer project duration expectations. 

 

Then one day I had missed my second morning stand up in a row. This wasn't professional of me, I know. It was due in part because of my nose being so deep in the project I was working on. My team lead's manager then expressed his dissatisfaction with my lack of attendance which was warranted. I agreed and told him that I would not isolate myself so much with this project anymore, especially since it was coming to an end soon. 

 

He further pushed the conversation into his dissatisfaction with my performance in general. I know I haven't been producing as quickly as I had liked but I didn't think it was a huge issue. So, I told him I would address my performance more directly and apologized. That was the end of the conversation.

 

So at this point I am trying to get things done at a more urgent rate and trying to listen for feedback so I can react to it more sensitively. Then the next day I get called into HR's office with my team lead and my manager.

 

I was told I had a fork in the road and that if I wanted to make my managers happy that I had to address the points on this sheet of paper they handed me. Most of the items on the paper outlined what my manager brought up in the previous conversation. Some items were related to my team lead's dissatisfaction with how I was during meetings. These were a surprise since we had one on one's that were very positive as I mentioned before. 

 

I leave HR's office rather confused and when I got home, I started having pains in my gut that wouldn't go away. It was almost as if I wanted to cry but my body wouldn't let me. I tried just talking out my stress, playing a video game and eating a good dinner. Still, pain. I went to bed early and I basically fell asleep due to pain exhaustion. When I woke up, it came back. 

 

What's going on here? I have an empirical understanding of what's happening but my gut won't stop hurting. The pain is almost like how you would describe heartbreak but in the gut instead. I.e. it doesn't feel like a physical emergency. 

 

The only thing that seems to have addressed the pain is literally filling out this spreadsheet of the status of my work they're having me fill out twice a day.  Is it related to my body's need to please authority?

 

Any feedback appreciated. I'd like to make sense of this.

 

Thank you

[Heath Long]

I do not know where the pain originates, but I felt my own pain reading your story. I have been in dev shops like the one you described, and I hated it to the point of physical manifestations of pain. It was not acute, like you described; it was more like severe anxiety. I did not want to fail, but I also did not want to be there. What I found is that not every dev position is like this. From my experience, it seems like you are not doing something that you like. Is this possible?

 

The world is big, and software development is broad in its range of project types and roles. I jumped around a bit and found a place the suited me. I tried other languages and various work models (consultant from home for a while) until I found the right mix of projects and responsibilities for me. What do you think? Is it the work itself, the environment, or something else?

[cynicist]

Seems like you got stabbed in the back there. Rather than work things out one-on-one, your team lead went straight to the manager... in order to shame you? I don't know. From what you are describing it sounds like you were willing to admit to mistakes and improve so what was the point of bringing him into it and threatening you with this 'fork in the road' comment? 

 

The only thing that seems to have addressed the pain is literally filling out this spreadsheet of the status of my work they're having me fill out twice a day.  Is it related to my body's need to please authority?

 

This is an insightful question. I am curious though, did you ever have long projects and resulting attendance issues with your prior team lead? Are you certain that the reason for your lack of attendance had to do with being 'deep in the project'? You've been doing this job for a while so it just seems important that you were being 'unprofessional' at the same time that this new guy got put in charge. I wouldn't be surprised if you had a history of being shamed into compliance by authority figures, but do any incidents stand out?

[Auriion]

What do you think? Is it the work itself, the environment, or something else?

 

I really appreciate your connecting with my situation. I actually started to tear up which was finally a relief since I had felt like crying this whole time but it wouldn't come out. My guess is knowing that someone could relate to me and that I'm not alone in this helped me feel ok with showing some emotional 'weakness'. I will also say that until I read this, I had a feeling that I didn't have anyone to relate to so it made me feel like I'm the exception and that there's something wrong with me. My feeling in my gut is now no longer a feeling of unbearable pain but more of a knot now. 

 

did you ever have long projects and resulting attendance issues with your prior team lead?

 

 

That's a good point actually. My previous managers were always more understanding and worked with me when they didn't agree with something I did. As a result, attendance was never really an issue since I was always in the loop on what's going on. 

 

Are you certain that the reason for your lack of attendance had to do with being 'deep in the project'?

 

 

If anything I use it as an excuse for my lack of sense of importance to the morning meeting. I always tended to feel like my reports fell on deaf ears since it was usually, "Yes, I'm still on this project. Not done yet. But it's progressing". 

 

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you had a history of being shamed into compliance by authority figures, but do any incidents stand out?

 

 

I keep trying to think of past events that felt like what I'm experiencing now emotionally. I've definitely had a childhood of physical abuse, minimalization, weak father figure, religious indoctrination, and a general lack of connection to my parents. So it might be that it was a constant thing I had to deal with rather than a few major incidents.

 

I definitely connect with the term "failure" since it's something I never want to be perceived as and it feels relevant to the current circumstances. In fact, the sheet they handed me was full of my failures according to their standards. 

[Heath Long]

I am going to throw something out there. Please do not take this as advice, but just something to consider. I might start looking for other jobs. If there are perceived "failures" as a part if your work catalogue there, then move on. Development failures are rarely the fault of an individual developer. If you are not in the right role, that is not entirely your fault, but shitty higher-ups will readily place all blame on you. I have several developers reporting to me, and the most important part of keeping them productive is understanding what it is that they like to do. Sometimes, I push them outside their comfort zone, but I think long and hard about the benefit to their career first, and explain it to them prior to putting them in a role. Some employers are like this. Many just fill seats.

 

We all have messes to clean up as a part of being human in 2014. I grew up with the "do what I say or else" parents, grandparents, school, city, state and country. But understand that the "or else" in a project is usually another project that you might like better and that might be the basis for a career. Things could be so much worse! You have a giant brain that someone is paying you to use. Right now they are getting a portion. When you find your spot, you will be able to give it all and that's when good things happen.

 

Again, just something to think about. If you are certain that it is not them, but you...then keep doing the best you can while working out the issues that are holding you back. From my experience, one's environment can make all of the difference though.

[Auriion]

@Heath Long

 

After taking in your suggestion, I have to admit that I feel a sense of fear in terms of looking for another job. This might be because it's my second job after my duration at a web agency that used to take in projects like crazy and demanded results under crazy deadlines. I managed to leave that job without any hard feelings and got my current job where the overall mentality was completely different.

 

Instead of working late to meet deadlines, I got to go home at 5. Instead of rushed projects with no idea if it was even possible, we had planning meetings. So to go from there to here was such a huge shift for me and I'd hate to move on to another job where it was back to an environment like my previous one. 

 

Then again, I simply do not know what other environments are like out there. Did you find in your searching that most companies are run like my first example rather than my second?

[DanielB]

I suggest looking at being passed over as the start of your unease. You may rationally agree that appointing a more experienced developer makes sense, but ego is not so easily assuaged. I certainly would have some trouble truly accepting this on an emotional level. I think it's not a coincidence that you took on an assignment that allowed you to stay away from the new guy, but it was harmful to you in more ways than one. It allowed you to avoid dealing with him (other than the bare minimum) and it caused you to 'get out of touch' as it were, with the goings on.

If the quality of your work did indeed drop (I'm not sure if you think it did) that too might be a sign of subconscious resentment.

 

So, what to do? Another job won't truly solve this, because you're taking your less than perfect ability to deal with such occurrences with you. It's easy to say "Just accept it and work thru it" but I know that's easier said than done.

Perhaps it might help to talk to a disinterested third party. Give voice to your true feelings, be as honest as you can. This will facilitate acceptance.

 

Thank you for sharing. It shows courage.

HTH,

[J-William]

The only thing that seems to have addressed the pain is literally filling out this spreadsheet of the status of my work they're having me fill out twice a day.  Is it related to my body's need to please authority?

I don't think there's any part of your body that needs to please someone in an arbitrary position of "authority". Alice Miller wrote a book called "The Body Never Lies", and I tend to agree with that title.

 

I'm having a hard time really figuring this out (I think because of my history).

 

My emotional reaction is all over the map, I feel your anxiety... and yet I think there's something about being a good employee that you're missing.

 

Have you listened to FDR podcasts on the subject of work and career? I think Stef has some very useful things to say about negotiations and the value you bring to an employer. 

 

If you jump to another job without figuring out what's not working here it will be a crap-shoot as to whether you end up in a good place, or a lousy place.

 

ok... You know what it is, after rereading what you wrote, you sound very passive. You just talk about things happening to you.

I know how that is, I called it "going with the flow" in highschool, and still have problems with it.

 

Based on my own experience I would guess you did not have very good guidance from your parents, but had severely and randomly enforced "rules". You've coasted through your life bouncing off of dangerous people and avoiding upsetting them in any way you can so you could make it safely to the next day. Is that more or less accurate?

 

In places with irrational and dangerous authority figures this is an invaluable coping strategy. In business this coping strategy doesn't work because the authority figures don't want mere compliance, they want you to generate value and show that you are generating value.

 

In my estimation what's happening is you are met with a seeming impossible situation, you have authority figures that are not pleased and they expect something from you. You tried the strategy of compliance and groveling, but it didn't work and the anxiety in your gut is telling you things aren't right.

 

Does any of this ring true for you?

[Auriion]

@DanielB

 

You make a good point. If I were honest I'd say I do feel resentment for being passed over. Up until that point my excitement for my job was very high. Afterward, I stopped doing some of the things I felt a team lead would be doing and left it for the new team lead to figure out. I hate to think of myself as petty but it is disappointing when you work hard and it gets trumped. 

 

In the meantime, I've been doing my best to be proactive about my work and concerns to my managers to show that I respond to feedback. They appear to be appreciating it but I still have this fairly constant anxiety now about my work. 

 

I do also think that my team lead and I need to talk about this in some more depth so we can be on the same page. 

@J-William

 

I would say you are correct about your assessment of my passiveness in relation to this situation. It doesn't feel right to say that I'm a passive person in general but that might be my pride trying to convince me otherwise. I'm definitely choose the route of going with the flow over confrontation when it comes to situations I don't agree with just because I perceive it as being easier.

 

I would also say that this passiveness was the best way to handle disagreements with my parents. This is particularly insightful as I now have memories of times judgement was being brought down upon me and the best thing I could do was be passive and submissive. A very similar gut feeling took place then as well.

[tjt]

Hey guys,

 

I'm not sure I understand what's going on with me here so I'm curious what you all think is the issue.

 

I work with a web development company as a senior developer. I've been here 3 or 4 years and my happiness level with it has had its ups and downs, but never the kind of down I've experienced yesterday.

 

The lead up to this event was that I had my team lead, whom I had a good connection to, leave for another job. Not so long afterward a new developer was hired and then after some time was promoted to team lead over me. He is an experienced individual with more time under his belt than me so it made sense.

 

However, my connection with the new lead wasn't as active as it was with my previous lead. Then I decided to take on a project with a longer timeline. This ended up kind of isolating me from the rest of the group including my team lead.

 

I thought things were fine though because my team lead and I would have one on one's roughly once a month and the conversations were lively and positive. He seemed ok with my isolation in light of my longer project duration expectations. 

 

Then one day I had missed my second morning stand up in a row. This wasn't professional of me, I know. It was due in part because of my nose being so deep in the project I was working on. My team lead's manager then expressed his dissatisfaction with my lack of attendance which was warranted. I agreed and told him that I would not isolate myself so much with this project anymore, especially since it was coming to an end soon. 

 

He further pushed the conversation into his dissatisfaction with my performance in general. I know I haven't been producing as quickly as I had liked but I didn't think it was a huge issue. So, I told him I would address my performance more directly and apologized. That was the end of the conversation.

 

So at this point I am trying to get things done at a more urgent rate and trying to listen for feedback so I can react to it more sensitively. Then the next day I get called into HR's office with my team lead and my manager.

 

I was told I had a fork in the road and that if I wanted to make my managers happy that I had to address the points on this sheet of paper they handed me. Most of the items on the paper outlined what my manager brought up in the previous conversation. Some items were related to my team lead's dissatisfaction with how I was during meetings. These were a surprise since we had one on one's that were very positive as I mentioned before. 

 

I leave HR's office rather confused and when I got home, I started having pains in my gut that wouldn't go away. It was almost as if I wanted to cry but my body wouldn't let me. I tried just talking out my stress, playing a video game and eating a good dinner. Still, pain. I went to bed early and I basically fell asleep due to pain exhaustion. When I woke up, it came back. 

 

What's going on here? I have an empirical understanding of what's happening but my gut won't stop hurting. The pain is almost like how you would describe heartbreak but in the gut instead. I.e. it doesn't feel like a physical emergency. 

 

The only thing that seems to have addressed the pain is literally filling out this spreadsheet of the status of my work they're having me fill out twice a day.  Is it related to my body's need to please authority?

 

Any feedback appreciated. I'd like to make sense of this.

 

Thank you

 

 

I'm sorry to hear this, it reminded me of being reprimanded in elementary school when my teachers thought I did something wrong. I can empathize with the way you are feeling. It's as if you believe you are doing a good job, then you are blind-sided with your managers' feedback that they think you can do better. It also stings that your direct manager went up a level rather than speaking to you about it... You'd think managers who want to be respected by their reports would use this as a last resort.

 

 

He further pushed the conversation into his dissatisfaction with my performance in general. I know I haven't been producing as quickly as I had liked but I didn't think it was a huge issue. So, I told him I would address my performance more directly and apologized. That was the end of the conversation.

 

Why do you personally believe you haven't been producing as quickly as you had liked? It sounds to me like you are justifying your team lead's concerns. Otherwise, the response might have been "My capacity is at max with this long term project. I cannot take on more until it's complete."

 

Also, did your manager give you specific details about these performance concerns? If not, it might serve you well to ask lots of questions like... "can you give me a specific example of how my work is not meeting your expectations?", "When did you notice my performance slowing down?", etc. Otherwise, if you and him cannot exactly define the problem, it will be difficult to deliver on your promise of addressing your performance more directly. Maybe that long conversation in HR did get into detail, but if it was fluffy and non-specific that will most certainly set you up for failure.

 

Again, I'm sorry for the situation and anxiety you are feeling over it. You have to be able to determine objectively if it is you or them. Are they just bad managers? Or are you going through something else in your life at this point that is impacting your work (think hard on this one, maybe it is that the newer guy took the lead position over you, or maybe it's friends, your family, even distant problems that on the surface wouldn't seem to effect you... like an alcoholic uncle, etc)?

 

Then consider if you want to work for a company that micromanages you and gives you to-do lists rather than allowing you to have creative liberty and somewhat manage yourself, because that sounds like the current state of things.

 

Finally, I'd like to offer a short term fix for your broken stomach. Exercise helps relieve my anxiety symptoms immensely (like headaches, stomach aches, feelings of panic, etc). Even just a 30-minute walk on a fairly regular basis could do the trick. And of course therapy is a good option.

 

Good luck and keep us updated! 

[Auriion]

I just wanted to update you guys on my current situation with my job. Since you all gave me many aspects to look at, I figured I would lay my current state to these aspects in an organized fashion. Perhaps someone else who is in a similar situation will find this useful or perhaps it will satiate any potential curiosity.

 

To address my initial issue, my gut pain hasn't come back since about 3 days after the beginning of my probationary period, but there was still this 'gun to my head' anxiety present through out this period. 

 

As of last week, my managers and HR agreed that my performance was beyond satisfactory and were happy to continue working with me. 

 

What did I do as a response to the feedback you guys gave me? I took a defensive, information-gathering position to start out with while being extra careful to meet all the expectations of my managers so that they couldn't pin me with anything.

 

After I felt I had sufficiently showed that I could be productive and available, I took an active role in acquiring feedback regarding the satisfaction level of my work. I would demand the attention of my team lead when I had issues to convey and acted as a mediator for planning meetings when necessary. 

 

This entire time, I felt anxious and stressed and felt like a chicken with its head cut off. I clearly outdid the expectations of my management and was even complimented on how they wished more employees were like me, but I didn't feel particularly happy. My main motivation was the stable money at this point.

 

Now that I'm done with this period, the 'gun to my head' disappeared. Oddly enough, I feel even more productive even though I don't feel as stressed. The energy of the team I'm a part of has been the best I've ever seen it before. Maybe it's just the relief of not being put on the spot anymore, but I'm very happy now with my job life and I feel more connected to my teammates. 

 

I'm not sure I would have been able to collect myself and set myself up for success without you guys empathizing/sympathizing with me and sharing with me your opinion of my situation. It means a lot to me!

 

Thanks again guys, and if you ever have any issues you'd like my opinion on, I would be extremely happy to provide it judgement-free!

[cynicist]

That is really awesome to hear, thanks for sharing the update with us! I have one follow up question if you don't mind: Do you think taking an active role and being more visible to your managers is what made the difference? I have this suspicion that people's perception of your work has more effect than even the work itself much of the time, although that may not be the case here. It's something I have to keep in mind since I value results/effort and I'm proactive when it comes to finding out what I need to know to do my job, so I view a lot of what goes on at meetings/pep talks as boring formality that makes management feel good rather than being an effective use of my time. (may not be the case in your organization)

 

I hope things worked out with your team lead btw.

[Auriion]

I think being more active allowed me to provide more comprehensive feedback to my managers. At the beginning of this issue, I was disconnected and unsure what my expectations were. The more I reached out and demanded feedback, the more my managers seemed to chill out regarding the productivity of my work. Another aspect of the reaching out is that it helps me stay on the same page as my managers in terms of priorities. 

 

I would say that I would probably have been fine simply doing that while my productivity was more of a cherry on top, though I personally hate feeling like I'm not being more productive. Like Stefan has said before, I want to be worth more than what they were paying me so my job can be legitimately justified. On top of that, my day just feels better when I get more done.

 

In regards to my team lead, his mannerisms and management techniques aren't what I would call top notch. In learning as much as I can about his past (indirectly), I've found ways to work around his perceived short-comings and has thus caused him to be very happy with me.

 

On a personal level I have a hard time connecting with him still. He's older than me and likes to poke fun at how old he is which kind of alienates me since I don't really care. Ultimately, I made it clear to him that I simply want to meet the business needs as much as I can and he's been receptive to that. Can't complain too much there.