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Posted

I'm the son of a drunken, drugged up, abusive, rapist jazz musician and his enabling wife who pretended (and still pretends) to be a victim.

 

Yesterday was my 30th birthday, I consistently find myself in unbelievably abusive relationships. Why? This is a look back at the life I've lived, the abuse I've taken, and the mental block to emotions I've built.

 

I was born May 11th, 1984 in New Haven, ct, my parents were poor. We moved to Newington 4 years after my birth when my parents were left a home by a deceased relative. I don't remember much from this age other than my father taking me to the local smoke filled jazz club in Hartford while him and his buddies got fucked up, then driving me home while drunk.

 

School was miserable for me, I had no friends at all until high school. My fathers priorities were alcohol and drugs, because of this I was barely clothed for school and food in our home was rationed. My parents depended on town charity for Christmas presents. Birthdays were the worst, there was no charity.

 

I developed severe anxiety, soon after I developed speech difficulties.

 

My parents had two more kids, my brother and sister.

 

Middle school was hell, I don't many memories of the physical and emotional abuse. I remember my dad filling out paperwork for my school and asking what my birthdate and age was, he didn't know. I remember being beaten with a belt on multiple occasions, although I don't remember why. I remember not being able to sleep at night because of fighting, and going to school tired and unable to do any school work.

 

I remember one night my father so drunk he thought my sister sleeping on her bed was the toilet in the bathroom and peed all over her.

 

Freshman year is when things actually get bad.

 

My father starts drunkenly raping my sister. My mom knows, but she chooses to work 2nd shift until about 2-3am anyway. I am home to defend her. My choices are a) sit in the hallway near her door and take beatings, or b) do nothing. I choose A. While sitting in the hall waiting for my beating I would just count in my head, when I knew the beating would come I would start rubbing my thumbnails on the top of my fingers rubbing the skin off raw, I guess this was my way of self-inflicted pain. I never cried, I never said anything, I just let him beat me.

 

I spent a lot of time in detention and suspension. Teachers couldn't understand what was wrong with me, I had a much higher than average IQ but did not school work at all, I was put into the program for the problem children, things got worse with fighting in school. Teachers would wonder why I wasn't living up to my 'potential', it frustrated them, which only made things still worse.

 

This continued for awhile. Not sleeping at night to defend my sister leaves me late to school and failing school. Truancy officers get involved, I go to work and am sentenced to a juvenile detention center in Hartford.

 

When I got back from Juvenile detention (PRISON), my father told me he was 'proud of me' and that I did something good for the family by going there and not saying anything.

 

This is the only time I really remember him saying he was proud of me.

 

Everything goes back to the same, raping and beating. He ends up leaving the home for months at a time while touring the world with his jazz band, you'd think this meant peace but it didn't, things remained hellish with my mother, she was manipulative and emotionally abusive.

 

She started cheating on my father with various men, including his brother.

 

I remember my father walking into my room one night with two dildos asking what my mother was up to. I didn't know.

 

Their relationship got worse, I started having nightmares.

 

They eventually divorced, and my father eventually went to prison for 10 years. I haven't spoken to him in 5 years. The last time I talked to him he still said none of it was his fault and he did the best he could to raise us.

 

My mom also says she did the best she could.

 

People tell me I am wrong, immoral, and should be ashamed of myself for not talking to my father.

 

There's plenty more to say.

 

Since the 10 years of my adult life I have been in several physically and mentally abusive relationships with women. This is what I want to change in my life. They tell me I am cold, and unable to feel emotion. I had one girlfriend that would hit me multiple times then would blame me, her hitting me was my fault, because I am 'cold', or something. When I know a women is going to beat me, I do the same thing I did when I knew my father was going to beat me, I would count to avoid thinking and feeling emotion and rub my thumb nail on my finger inflicting pain to block the emotion. I would seek it, I was always thinking, just hit me and get it over with.

 

I recently broke up with my most recent girlfriend, we were engaged several times to be married. She would repeatedly cheat on me, break up with me, hit me, etc. She controlled everything, I handed over my paychecks to her, I lost all my friends, I wasn't allowed to have a car, etc. She would put me in lose/lose situations, For example, 'you don't have to do the dishes tonight babe', followed by 'you're so fucking lazy, you don't do shit around here, there's still dishes you piece of shit' then hit me, things like that. She would regularly flirt with other men and cheat, and then call me a sleaze and tell me I was the one that couldn't be trusted. She once beat me on my birthday, so I got the nerve to call the police, she smashed my phone mid 911 call, officers arrived and she told them I beat her, they arrested us both. I could continue here forever. When I started listening to the FDR show things got much worse, as I was starting to awaken and get a clue. She told me that I was being 'brainwashed'. I feel emotion, I just don't show it.

 

I am now covered in tattoos, everything except for my head. I work a decent job, I manage a distribution center but am unable to move up any further in the company because of the social speech problem I developed during my abuse as a child.

 

I went through a period of alcohol abuse in my early 20's, I then abused pain pills and cocaine, as well as being very promiscuous. I am now completely clean. I haven't drank alcohol in several years. I took up riding motorcycles and got into an accident where I nearly lost my life, I broke my neck, I don't know why I lived. Most people told me how lucky I was, I still don't think I was lucky to be alive.

 

I could probably continue this for much longer.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am a good looking guy and don't have a problem meeting women, but I don't know how to get in to a normal/non-abusive relationship. help me.

Posted

I've heard some fucked up childhoods mate but that really chilled me to the core.

 

First and foremost serious kudos to you for sticking up for your sister like that, 

tremendous courage, whatever they did they clearly didn't break your humanity.

 

Can really relate to your statement, 'I don't know what is wrong with me.' 

 

At least I think, that from what you've said you've actually a pretty good idea (and accurate) what's wrong, 

but that people around you have added the 'with me' bit to serve their own ends. 

 

I mean when you think about it,

it's that analogy Stef uses a lot

 

'I don't know how to get in to a normal/non-abusive relationship.'

isn't much different from saying, 

'I don't know how to conduct a conversion in fluent Mandarin'

 

Neither do I, but obviously in the latter case, we don't self-attack, 

 

or at least if for some reason we did, most people around us would say stuff like,

 

'What do you mean you're stupid? Not like you grew up in a Chinese household, sure if you took some lessons....'

 

Whereas with a dysfunctional history it's all,

 

'look OK you didn't have the best childhood but.....get over it', 'are you going to be a victim your whole life?'

 

.....It's sick.

Posted

I am not sure how to begin to reply to your post... Man, you have been through abyssal torture...

 

People tell me I am wrong, immoral, and should be ashamed of myself for not talking to my father.

 

You are NOT in the wrong. You were NOT in the wrong. Fuck the people who sides with your hellish abusers. Fuck their disgusting cowardice, their appaling immoral character. I think this is really important for you to hear and understand. That you not talking to your abusive father, is NOTHING to be ashamed of. They ones that tell you that, THEY are they ones who should be ashamed!

 

 

I went through a period of alcohol abuse in my early 20's, I then abused pain pills and cocaine, as well as being very promiscuous. I am now completely clean. I haven't drank alcohol in several years. I took up riding motorcycles and got into an accident where I nearly lost my life, I broke my neck, I don't know why I lived. Most people told me how lucky I was, I still don't think I was lucky to be alive.

 

Massive congratulations, really, for getting out of your dangerous addictions. To me, that is a sign of a beautiful, strong spirit and I think you should be extremely glad that your motorcycle accident didn't claim that bright soul of yours.

 

You have gone through hell, several times over. You've been incredibly hurt, both physically, mentally and emotionally.

And yet here you are. Here you are, free from both alcohol and cocaine. You broke up with your abusive partner. You are able to look at your past, even though it's a gruesome sight.

 

And here you are, being courageous by writing all this. You seek help, because you want to be better. And you can get better! It will be a tough journey, but nothing will be as tough as what you have been through already.

 

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am a good looking guy and don't have a problem meeting women, but I don't know how to get in to a normal/non-abusive relationship. help me.

 

I think you'd benefit greatly from going into therapy. In fact, it could something you have to do, before you go into another relationship, if you want it to be healthy.

 

Not only for your future romantic relationships, but for your life in general, therapy can really help you I think.

 

 

Can really relate to your statement, 'I don't know what is wrong with me.' 

 

At least I think, that from what you've said you've actually a pretty good idea (and accurate) what's wrong, 

but that people around you have added the 'with me' bit to serve their own ends. 

 

I mean when you think about it,

it's that analogy Stef uses a lot

 

'I don't know how to get in to a normal/non-abusive relationship.'

isn't much different from saying, 

'I don't know how to conduct a conversion in fluent Mandarin'

 

Neither do I, but obviously in the latter case, we don't self-attack, 

 

or at least if for some reason we did, most people around us would say stuff like,

 

'What do you mean you're stupid? Not like you grew up in a Chinese household, sure if you took some lessons....'

 

Whereas with a dysfunctional history it's all,

 

'look OK you didn't have the best childhood but.....get over it', 'are you going to be a victim your whole life?'

 

.....It's sick.

 

I think that is really spot on, RyanT.

 

What do you think NoTreason?

Posted

This is heartwrenching. That's one of the most horrendous childhoods I've heard of. So much disgusting brutality. Those people that did these things to you and your sister are pure evil. Just fucking disgusting evil. People that don't aknowledge this don't deserve to be in your life.

 

Be proud, though! You survived a lifetime of brutality with the light in your soul still intact. That shows so much strength.

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