Mental illness and personality disorders - An excuse for bad parenting?

[tjt]

I've been thinking a lot about how mental health plays into parenting, and how having a mentally ill parent effects your childhood, thus your entire life.

 

Is mental illness a reason to sympathize with your parents, and forgive their parenting faults, even going as far as to get them help?

 

The reason it's on my mind is that I just learned about a disorder of which my dad displays many of the symptoms. It's called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. People with this disorder have an intense urge for order, perfection and control over their environment. Often, they believe there is a right way, only one right way, and never doubt this right way or themselves in striving to fulfill the right way. They have serious anger issues when things do not go accordingly (for example cursing uncontrollably at a bolt that can't be loosened, or when the fast food joint gets your order wrong, dwelling on it all day and night, or when your kids are not meeting your every demand you spank them or poke them firmly and painfully in the chest as you yell at them).

 

People with OCPD will not become aware that they have this disorder until it destroys their most important relationships. However, some people will ignore even these effects (in my dad's case, a wife that left him, a daughter who rebelled against him as a teen (sister), and a daughter who has cut ties with him as an adult (me)). They are all wrong, not him.

 

I will never excuse my father for his behavior, as I hold him completely responsible for having this "disorder" and choosing to carry on in life with it. In my opinion, this scientifically defined personality disorder is just another name for a-hole. But there is a whole support group forum for people who are voluntarily choosing to be in relationships with these types of people, they actually see it more as a mental illness. Not I.

 

Where do you draw the line? Is a personality disorder like OCPD, narcissism or Borderline uncontrollable and therefore forgivable? What about mental illnesses such as bipolar, depression, etc.? Do you hold your parents accountable for having these mental issues which to some degree messed up your life, or do you support them and try to get them help?

 

I really just wanted this to be an open-ended topic, so please share anything that comes to mind... even if you want to share a story of how your parent's personality disorder or mental illness has impacted you. Or how you are struggling as a parent because of a mental illness. I look forward to the discussion.

[Wesley]

I would first like to say that I am not an expert on mental illness or anything like that, so obviously these are just my opinions.

 

Second, Thomas Szasz wrote a book called The Myth of Mental Illness which called into question that entire idea. Stef did a couple presentations on his ideas that might be easier to go through than the book.

 

Third, you first need to work on empathizing with yourself. Fundamentally it does not matter why it happened, only that it happened and that as a child (and now) you feel X because of that. You need to be able to know how you felt and why you felt that way and empathize with yourself. I would not worry about him or why he did it or anything until you truly can process your childhood feelings in a therapeutic process.

 

Finally, I am really sorry that you went through those experiences. I also had a very controlling father with anxieties about many things that he felt he needed to control through yelling into compliance. It can be very scary and nearly impossible to find that perfect path by which you don't step on a landmine of verbal or physical aggression. You should not have experienced that, and I am sorry that you did.

[Alan C.]

Some people can be helped and some cannot. For example, people with malignant, pathological narcissism cannot be helped and should be avoided.

 

People with psychological imbalances (eg. OCD) may attempt to deal with their anxiety by inflicting abuse on others. If they're unwilling to get help then they should also be avoided.

 

You can't allow others ruin your life. The fact that they may be unable to control themselves doesn't obligate you to indulge their abuse.

[TheRobin]

To use a metaphor here: If there are people who were infected with a disease, I wouldn't stick around them, cause I don't want to catch it. Plus, I'm not a doctor and don't have a cure either. So even IF we assume no fault of the diseased (which I don't agree with anyway, as they obviously didn't get help, but anyways), then even if I had some sympathy for them, there's no point in sticking around. In fact, if they have any empathy and care for my wellbeing they wouldn't WANT me to stick around, as they'd know I might get infected too.

 

So even if these disorders are real and the people having them have no responsibility and couldn't have done anything to change that, there's still no reason to hang around and get damaged in the process in my opinion.

[jpahmad]

Some people can be helped and some cannot. For example, people with malignant, pathological narcissism cannot be helped and should be avoided.

 

People with psychological imbalances (eg. OCD) may attempt to deal with their anxiety by inflicting abuse on others. If they're unwilling to get help then they should also be avoided.

 

You can't allow others ruin your life. The fact that they may be unable to control themselves doesn't obligate you to indulge their abuse.

 

What if your own child were born with a strong genetic tendency not to develop empathy.  There apparently are cases, with a very small percentage of children, where as infants they are very cold and unresponsive, even unable to make eye contact.  I know this taps into the nature vs nurture thing, but let's just for a moment entertain the possibility that what some researches are claiming is valid. 

 

If this infant has a very strong likelihood of growing up without the ability to empathize with other human beings, and therefore, could become very harmful to others and yourself, what would be your moral responsibility as an parent?  What would be the options?

[Alan C.]

There are high functioning psychopaths in society who are capable of being productive, and who do not commit malicious acts.

 

I'm unaware of cases in which a person born without empathy commits deliberate, malicious acts because they take pleasure and delight in the pain, suffering, and misery of others. As far as I know, those kinds of people are a product of environment.

[RuralRon]

All contributors have excellent points. I am currently processing my own dysfunction as it relates to my upbringing. 

 

My father was similar to the OP's, though it doesn't sound like to the same degree. Yet lately I've been noticing my sensitivity and anger when I'm unable to accomplish things, (i.e. stumbling, dropping things, technology that won't cooperate) as in your bolt loosening example.

 

I used to think that becoming conscious of why my behavior is the way it is was the remedy to the behavior. I know now that's only the first step, which is what most of the posts above have expressed. Being fully conscious of the why must be deep and experienced emotionally. Understanding it intellectually is not enough for change to occur.

 

But honestly I'm in the midst of the process, and I have no definitive solutions. My passive nature was recently pointed out to me, and now that I'm aware of that it contributes even more to the anger when my attempts to influence my environment fail. I'm not in control of it as much as I want to be, and I'm trying to figure out how passivity plays into it.

 

I never thought of myself as being very passive and since this characteristic was pointed out to me (actually by Stefan) I have asked my closest friends if they see that characteristic. None do, but I know Stef is not wrong. But understanding cases where I fail to take initiative, or why I fail to see opportunities for initiating action to prevent something (i.e. control the future) are where I'm still blocked.

 

Part of my cognitive dissonance stems from knowing that we all experience things that could have been avoided if we had foresight. But, and this seems extremely apropos to the OP, when is it a reasonable expectation to anticipate a future situation based on empirical knowledge vs. unreasonable (and therefore pardonable) due to a lack of it?

 

What does it take to rise above your conditioning? What is the "click", the epiphany that frees your mind from it's behavioral trap? What is the essential essence of such a change in behavior, the nature of the turning point?

[tjt]

I would first like to say that I am not an expert on mental illness or anything like that, so obviously these are just my opinions.

 

Second, Thomas Szasz wrote a book called The Myth of Mental Illness which called into question that entire idea. Stef did a couple presentations on his ideas that might be easier to go through than the book.

 

Third, you first need to work on empathizing with yourself. Fundamentally it does not matter why it happened, only that it happened and that as a child (and now) you feel X because of that. You need to be able to know how you felt and why you felt that way and empathize with yourself. I would not worry about him or why he did it or anything until you truly can process your childhood feelings in a therapeutic process.

 

Finally, I am really sorry that you went through those experiences. I also had a very controlling father with anxieties about many things that he felt he needed to control through yelling into compliance. It can be very scary and nearly impossible to find that perfect path by which you don't step on a landmine of verbal or physical aggression. You should not have experienced that, and I am sorry that you did.

 

Thank you. You make a lot of strong points here and pulled me back to reality. That book is on my list. I also listened to some of the podcasts you mentioned. I felt that they were empathizing more with children who are diagnosed with mental illness. The reality of the situation is that when children don't fit in or don't want to go along with the way we treat them (throw them into daycare, throw them into public school, take abuse from parents, be raised by their peers), then we believe that something is wrong with them even though there's something wrong with society instead. I'm having a hard time relating this to parents, though because it encourages empathy. But I found another podcast more relatable... I think Stef was reading an article which said that mental disorders are just a way to describe behavior, that they are not diseases in the least.

 

 

 

To use a metaphor here: If there are people who were infected with a disease, I wouldn't stick around them, cause I don't want to catch it. Plus, I'm not a doctor and don't have a cure either. So even IF we assume no fault of the diseased (which I don't agree with anyway, as they obviously didn't get help, but anyways), then even if I had some sympathy for them, there's no point in sticking around. In fact, if they have any empathy and care for my wellbeing they wouldn't WANT me to stick around, as they'd know I might get infected too.

 

So even if these disorders are real and the people having them have no responsibility and couldn't have done anything to change that, there's still no reason to hang around and get damaged in the process in my opinion.

 

Well put. This really simplifies the concept into something that's quick to digest. Especially if you're a germ-a-phobe