cobra2411 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I was raised in an emotionally toxic environment, one papered over with words like family and duty and responsibility... To survive I became a peacemaker and as the peacemaker in the family I usually put the needs of others ahead of mine. Given that the abuse amounted to the same - "you have a duty to your family", it's easy to see why I did that. I see the need to empathize with people and I want to, but I find myself holding back, afraid I may say the wrong thing and hurt instead of help. Saying the wrong thing as a peacemaker would cause an eruption of rage, which I would desperately try and avoid. Sometimes when I do say something it feels like it's forced and not genuine. I think one issue I have is that the abusers in my family abused the words "I'm sorry". I would hear things like "Oh, I'm sorry you can't handle constructive criticism - next time I won't try and be helpful, I'll just keep my mouth shut because you can't handle it." to things like "I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never do that again(*)." (*)At least not before next Tuesday... I guess that's why I feel disingenuous saying "I'm sorry" even though I really feel for what is going on in other people's lives. Any insight, tips, etc would be appreciated.
dsayers Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I find myself holding back, afraid I may say the wrong thing and hurt instead of help. It's not your job to manage others. I AM sorry you grew up in an environment where you were forced to. In the context of strangers, you are not obligated to be honest with them. In the context of somebody you care about, it would actually be manipulative to edit your input for any reason. I can't speak for you, but as somebody who was also groomed to manage the reaction of others, this has been a difficult gradation for me to put into practice. I too had a tainted view of the word sorry. It was modeled for me that this is something you do not say because it admits fault. Present day, I see it as a way of empathizing with somebody. Like when I say that I'm sorry you grew up in an environment where you were forced to manage others. It's my way of saying that I feel your pain. That I wish nobody had to experience that. That I understand that nobody has the right to put another person through that. I would recommend not hesitating to say it if you feel that way. Like, I'm not going to NOT say to somebody that I love them just because so many other people have cheapened the word. What do you think of all this?
cobra2411 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 It makes sense, or at least is starting to. On the surface it does, I just have to integrate it - if that makes any sense. Just in time for me to put it to use. A friend called to tell me his cat had died unexpectedly and my first thought was sorry - which I hesitated on because I was worry it would sound fake. After a brief pause I simply said "I really don't know what to say, I'm sorry." which felt a lot better and more honest and from the heart and consistent with how I felt. He appreciated it too as he responded "I know, I'm in shock too." Now with strangers I'm guessing a simple "I'm sorry for xxx" would be sufficient if I felt like expressing some empathy, even if it sounded a bit forced? I'm not talking about actually forcing myself to say something for someone else, it's just from years of occasionally stepping on land mines I've become a bit gun shy and I'm hesitant to say something because of that. Thanks
dsayers Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 If it were me, I'd ask your friend how he's feeling. It will help him feel better to be asked and be better for him and your relationship for him to identify and communicate this.
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