thesmooter Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Not sure where to start but I am really stuck and could use some empathy and help from the board. I've never asked for empathy or what I need, so I type this in tears with trembling hands. After several years of self discovery, FDR, therapy and conversations with my wife. I have learned that I chose a truly non empathetic person as my partner. I discovered this slowly over the last few days and it frightens the shit out of me. Knowing what I know about the facts that people generally dont change and that we have a 1.5 yr old daughter, I feel extreme despair. Evidence has taught me that my wife is very unlikely to change. We also have a fantastic daughter and I don't want to give my daughter what I had; a broken home. That's the situation in a nutshell. Here is some further detail on my background and why I've come to those conclusions. Both my parents were alcoholics (both died in the last year because of alcohol related illness) and were married 3 times. There were abuse in any way you could imagine except sexual. My mom (who I lived with) was manipulative and only thought of herself. A quick story to let you get a picture: When I was in 2nd grade my dad dropped me off on a Sunday night (after a weekend at his house) to my moms house. He never got out of the car, just drove off. I walked into an dark, house and no one was home. I freaked out. I went nuts crying and screaming. I don't know for how long. I just know that I was hysterical. I do know that when my mom came home (with her latest husband) she beat the shit out of me. According to her it was because "I was hysterical and that was the only way to calm me down". Anyway, the next day I went to school. The teacher seeing the effects of the beating I wore asked me what happened. I replied "I was a bad boy". I honestly thought that I was a bad boy and deserved what I got. I called them spankings. In my family punching etc was spanking ( not that spanking is good either). I was interviewed by people in the school and I remember feeling very confused. Anyway, when I walked home from school later that day there was a police car in out driveway. My mom was being interviewed by a cop of some kind. As soon as she saw me she yelled. "Get in your room"! The worst part for me came later. That evening (and for the rest of my life) when she came inside and began to tell me how - I called the cops on her, and am responsible, how horrible I am ...eventually I was feeling sorry for her and felt guilty. That's one of many stories... My wife shows no empathy and probably anti-empathy in various ways. It most commonly is manifest when I talk about something important to me, the same subjects talked about here. Many times I will get a one word reply and or get the subject changed. Rarely, if ever do I get curiosity or an empathetic response. She honestly does not know me and appears perfectly ok with that. To give you an example of the lack of empathy, here is an example from last week: My birthday is this week and my wife told me she wanted to have a get together and asked for the phone number of some of my "friends". I don't have many friends and no "real" friends (I hate that I categorized that. ) and the "Friends" she mentioned i handnt seen in years. The whole thing sounded horrible. I told her that I preferred not to do a get together with friends. She asked why. In virtual tears, I made the mistake of explaining how I don't have any real friends and I don't get invited to "these friends" functions. I also explained how I would feel embarrassed to have these friends go to my birthday. It would be weird-- 1. Because there would be hardly anyone there. 2. Because I haven't talked to these guys in years 3. I don't get invited to their birthdays. Now this was very hard to say and I'm sure my wife saw that I was distraught. After saying all this she gave me a horrified look and just snapped "we'll what do you want to do then"? At that point I RTR'd and explained how hard it was for me to say that and that her reaction was brutal. At that point she said "How do you think I feel when you shoot down my idea"! And she told me how hurt she was.... It ended with me trying to stay in the RTR saying "I thought it was my birthday"? I had no idea of the parallels my wife and mother have till this morning. I read a post here about "How to know if my moms a narcissist". There were several examples given about how when you try to speak to these narcissist mothers about something that bothers you, they will change it and make it about them and how YOUR hurting them. It also mentioned that they will never remember situations that are crucial to your point. Therefore, they don't have to acknowlege any wrong doing. These really hit home. All the sudden I got the feeling that I was gonna barf. I saw qualities of them both. I had no clue. I thought I did. Thank you for reading. I know it was long.
ProfessionalTeabagger Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Your childhood experience is extremely messed up. I'm very sorry to hear about that serious abuse and sorry you feel despair about your current situation. It would seem there's no painless option for you. The worse thing and what's probably causing you most despair is that there's no painless way out for your daughter. The fact that you're realizing these things, facing up to them and placing your child first puts you way ahead of most parents. I have no idea how to help but I highly recommend calling into the show. I think Stef would be glad you called. I would certainly like to hear that call.
tiepolo Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Your wife wants to invite some of your friends over? She wanted to throw you a birthday party? What a bitch! Seems to me the problem is more that you have an anxiety about socialising and about bringing people home, which may owe to the fact that you couldn't bring people back when you were a kid for obvious reasons. Birthdays probably bring back miserable childhood memories, too so that probably wouldn't help. Seems to me your wife's gesture was perfectly well meant and she could be forgiven for being a bit nonplussed and frustrated when you reacted as though she has proposed sacrificing the dog to Yog Sothoth. Your wife is not your mother, and you don't want to start confusing their personalities in your head, since that does your wife an injustice and could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. if your wife was the narcissistic party she, I suspect, would be more likely to be trying to drive your friends away rather than to bring them in.
cynicist Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Your wife wants to invite some of your friends over? She wanted to throw you a birthday party? What a bitch! She has no idea who his friends are or if he has any... and when he brings up that painful reality she snaps at him for 'shutting down her idea', and then after he points that out, she makes the conversation about her and her pain... the entire conversation revolves around HER. This is really cold and narcissistic behavior (likely not the only example), and with the OP's history it is not too shocking that this is the kind of person he ended up involved with, it's just really unfortunate that he didn't see this before he had children. Your post seems very unempathetic to me. Not sure where to start but I am really stuck and could use some empathy and help from the board. I've never asked for empathy or what I need, so I type this in tears with trembling hands.After several years of self discovery, FDR, therapy and conversations with my wife. I have learned that I chose a truly non empathetic person as my partner. I discovered this slowly over the last few days and it frightens the shit out of me. Knowing what I know about the facts that people generally dont change and that we have a 1.5 yr old daughter, I feel extreme despair. Evidence has taught me that my wife is very unlikely to change. We also have a fantastic daughter and I don't want to give my daughter what I had; a broken home. This is really sad, and I'm sorry that this is where you are at. A broken home is a terrible thing, but speaking from experience, so is being raised by a narcissistic mother. There is obviously no easy answer here, I don't even know what to say. I'm just glad that you are focusing on what you can do for your daughter even though your parents didn't do that for you.
Artist707 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Thesmoother, I'm sorry about what happened in your childhood. That seems like a horrifying experience that you have described. It is just terrible. I feel sad hearing it. You say you are attending therapy? Have you talked about this situation with your therapist? It seems like a very complicated situation to be in. And hopefully there is someone who can talk through with you all of the options available to you at this point. A well informed decision may be better than a decision in haste. I also suggest that if you are currently very stressed, I suggest that you go physically exert yourself (vigorous running/weight lifting). I know it might sound odd, but when you are in such environments as you have described, you might find yourself too often in the "fight or flight" mode. To not be tense all the time, which erodes your physical and mental health, I recommend a physical activity of some sort to release the tension. I believe that it will help you see things clearly and make a stressful events more manageable.
thesmooter Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 I really appreciate everyone (almost everyone) who took the time to reply! We talked all day yesterday and made some tiny breakthroughs. She agreed to go to counseling which is huge! I'm going to try any get through on a call in show, I would love to hear Stefbots dissection! Tie polo- I certainly didn't post here to listen to an echo chaimber but drawing the conclusions you did without asking me further questions I found unhelpful and douchy. Using sarcasm the way you did (bitch, sacrificing animals, etc) IS uunempathetic. Not sure what motivated you to post that.
Stoic_Dreamer Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I can definitely empathize with the horror of waking to find that the people around you do not have the capacity for empathy, or at least currently are not exercising it. I only have two comments that hopefully you find useful. 1: It is a bad situation all around because you desperately need the wife to have empathy, but it sounds like she at least struggles with it if it is not completely absent. You also cannot suppress your internal life without causing yourself considerable agony. You need to have certainty in the relationship, so continuing to press the issue until you either reach her or are certain that she cannot be reached may be desirable. 2: The welfare of your daughter needs to be the greatest consideration. To that end asking yourself what life will be like for your daughter if she is raised by your wife is an important question, not just early childhood but across her lifespan. Determining whether or not your wife has the capacity for empathy is also important and the implications that it has for your daughter and yourself. Since you are male you may not have the option of separating with primary custody. In that case, is it better for you to stay so that you will be there for your daughter. I cannot provide you with anything more solid than that as I am not well acquainted with your situation, but these were just a few things that popped into my mind while reading your post. I agree with the others on this thread that you should call into the show.
Alin Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I also think you should call into the show. With the risk of being wrong I can say this: If you stay with this toxic, crazy bitch for the rest of your life, it's going to kill you. Remember what Stef said? "You become so battle hardened that you either get out and become something greater, or you die, like the others around you" Yes, the law is against you, you daughter needs you, everything is against you, but if you stay, it's suicide .
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