It's okay if women stalk men online...

[shirgall]

http://www.yourtango.com/2014216512/love-dating-what-women-really-think-facebook-google-stalking-first-date-boyfriend

 

Because "I need to go through your Facebook history and look for statements that set off red flags — republicanism, homophobia, sexism, classism, racism, transphobia, ignorance, etc. If I'm going to spend the bulk of the relationship trying to teach you how to be a decent human, then f**k it; not worth my time."

 

But if a man does any similar research... it's harassment and invasion of privacy.

[Kevin Beal]

So decent human beings assume the worst of you and invade your privacy? Haha.

 

What twisted logic is that?

[fractional slacker]

I don't know if stalk is the right word to use when describing getting information about someone online.  I understand why women, or men, might poke around and see what they can find. But IMO, it's a fools errand. 

When it comes to romantic or personal relationships, isn't it best to evaluate the person by how you feel around them?

[Archimedes]

Women like this one are walking contradictions. She wants to make sure if the man is a decent human being, yet she herself doesn't act like one. I wonder if women are aware that this behaviour makes them look aggressive and that it only attracts weak men without personal boundaries.

[Malovane]

So decent human beings assume the worst of you and invade your privacy? Haha.

 

What twisted logic is that?

 

Decent human beings are often the targets of people who like to exploit that decency - like narcissists and other sociopaths.

 

I personally find it totally appropriate for anyone to check out publicly available information on someone - such as what they post on Facebook. Once you post to a public site, it ceases to be "private" and an invasion of "privacy" when the public views it. This is not hard to comprehend.

 

I would actually encourage such information gathering, to an extent. If the other person has seriously opposing values to you, has conflicting stories, or has blatant problems, it would most likely be a waste of time and effort to even go out on that first date. Assuming you are looking for a relationship, that is.

 

The only part where I think this would be immoral is if someone tailors their approach or personality to the public information of someone else to appear more attractive to that person.

 

 

When it comes to romantic or personal relationships, isn't it best to evaluate the person by how you feel around them?

 

A nice thought, and can work well if you have a great degree of self knowledge and social instincts. However, what many people are attracted to, and get turned on by, is the absolute worst thing for them. Narcissists, for example, can make you feel great, for a time - then come patterns of control freak manipulation and domination. The anima of a man and animus of a woman can get corrupted over time - leading to uncontrollable attraction to dangerous people.

[Kevin Beal]

I personally find it totally appropriate for anyone to check out publicly available information on someone - such as what they post on Facebook. Once you post to a public site, it ceases to be "private" and an invasion of "privacy" when the public views it. This is not hard to comprehend.

Well, I can't argue with that.

 

I have a lot of personal information about myself online which is not hard to find. Some of it embarrassing, but I still use my real name anyway. Despite it being public, I'd still feel a little creeped out by someone who knew a bunch about me by putting a bunch of disparate pieces of information together they found online.

[RyanT]

Well, I can't argue with that.

 

I have a lot of personal information about myself online which is not hard to find. Some of it embarrassing, but I still use my real name anyway. Despite it being public, I'd still feel a little creeped out by someone who knew a bunch about me by putting a bunch of disparate pieces of information together they found online.

 

..Yeah, I reckon 'a little creeped' is a really good term for it,

 

I'm finding it tricky to pin down 'what exactly' would provoke that feeling in me too,

but certainly in that situation I'd find their behavior rather....pathological.

 

'Why do you want to know stuff about me that you don't want me to know that you know?' 

might be a question I'd ask, (if that sentence makes sense?)

 

For me it'd suggest she had issues around power and control,

 

which are obviously red flags in themselves.

[shirgall]

I posted my own comment to this one that looking up public information is hardly stalking, and is probably a good idea. To me, stalking is when one goes past what is public, like when a guy stands there on the public sidewalk and looks in the windows of your house. Not technically wrong (or even illegal) but it sure seems to be pushing it, esp. if he (or she) lingers.

[Pleiades]

I think using facebook is counter productive. Half the joy in meeting someone is discovering them. Their joys, their passions, their flaws, etc., As good as knowing if your date is a potential threat is, it's far more likely that they aren't.

 

If you pay attention to them then you can actually pick up on dangerous traits. It's far more rewarding to try and fail than to guarantee failure like this.

 

However, if there are traits that you know you don't like, I don't see harm in saying it, but it seems excessive to demand access to someone's personal facebook history before you agree to date them long-term.

[Pepin]

This is fine so long as it is universalized. A man looking at your facebook profile to scope out potential flaws in your: beliefs, character, or appearance must also be acceptable. A man might search for any pictures of a potential girlfriend making the duckface pose, and reasonably reject the woman based on finding such a picture.

 

It does seem rather strange that the women quoted would go so far in their research. They seem to mistrust their judgment of people to an extreme extent, so much so that they compare the man to intellectual concepts.