I think I'm going mental!

[Jot]

It is hard for me to describe my last 24 hours...for the first time in my life I feel insane. My problem began yesterday while lying on my bed and listening to the 2701 podcast. Near the end Stefan had a discussion with a guy with autism who was also gay, at the moment of that conversation's twist (when he said that he was homosexual) something broke inside me...it is mind numbing to me why I was triggered by that conversation, I continued listening until the end with a big void in my stomach.

It is essential to mention that I'm straight but I always had sympathy for homosexuals, but since that conversation I started looking at guys in a completely twisted way it is like I fell half-homosexual and I don't get sexually aroused by hot girls as much as couple of days ago. And that's just the beginning...my body is tense, my mind goes in circles, I am hyperactive (feel the need to walk all the time, I make sudden weird body movements at fast speed) also I cannot focus at all, even writing this post took me more than 30 minutes. Strange thoughts spring in my head out of the blue, and the most unsettling part for me is that I cannot think clearly, I'm generally very good at mental math and having arguments in my head, and analyzing social situations, now it's like I just drink 5 cup of coffees in a row, my mind is fogging a lot. 

     Something in the back of my mind is bothering me and I simply don't know what it is, and I don't see any connection between all that I said, I feel helpless and I can't stand listening to music anymore, I'm scared, please help me!

 

P.S.: I never did drugs nor smoked and I barely drink alcohol, I always had a bit of compulsive-impulsive disorder that would make me from time to time to obsess about some of my body parts and I also feel the need to organize my stuff and my PC, I'm not sure if that relates in any sense with my state at the moment but the way I feel when I had panic attacks and feel depressed has a bit of resemblance with my current state.

 

Please excuse my grammatical errors in case I made any, I am not a native.

[jpahmad]

It sounds like you're having an anxiety attack over something that triggered you from the conversation.  It could be something that your either consciously or not consciously aware of. 

 

My guess is that you felt for a moment how you would imagine it feels to be gay, and it rocked your world.  This would provoke an anxiety attack.  Also, you're probalby "testing" yourself by looking at pictures of women to see if you are still attracted to them.  And when you feel anything other then the good old lustfull feelings towards those images, this further triggers anxiety.  Am I right?

[Jot]

It sounds like you're having an anxiety attack over something that triggered you from the conversation.  It could be something that your either consciously or not consciously aware of. 

 

My guess is that you felt for a moment how you would imagine it feels to be gay, and it rocked your world.  This would provoke an anxiety attack.  Also, you're probalby "testing" yourself by looking at pictures of women to see if you are still attracted to them.  And when you feel anything other then the good old lustfull feelings towards those images, this further triggers anxiety.  Am I right?

Thank you for responding, now that you brought up anxiety attacks...I feel that this is what best describes my situation. I have no idea what this "rocked your world" expression means. And indeed I was sort of testing myself but not by looking at pictures I was referring at girls that I actually know in person.

The scary thing is that I looked at guys and felt more attracted to them than to girls, I knew about homosexuality but you know I never thought about it but now it being in my head for so long had me in a terrible mood, I've also been sweating a lot in the last couple of hours.

It might be of importance to mention that I recently started looking into MGTOW and their philosophy, it was something completely new to me and this might explain why I "perceive" girls differently now.

[MMX2010]

I hope this doesn't sound callous or dismissive, but the last few podcasts on female evil have made me much less more attracted to hot girls.  But I've never used this reduction of attraction to assume, let alone consider, that I'm "becoming homosexual", nor "feeling half-homosexual". 

[Jot]

I hope this doesn't sound callous or dismissive, but the last few podcasts on female evil have made me much less more attracted to hot girls.  But I've never used this reduction of attraction to assume, let alone consider, that I'm "becoming homosexual", nor "feeling half-homosexual". 

It is not only that I'm not as sexually attracted to girls as I used to but it is also the fact that now I could watch gay porn and not feel like throwing up.

[MMX2010]

It is not only that I'm not as sexually attracted to girls as I used to but it is also the fact that now I could watch gay porn and not feel like throwing up.

 

What does "throwing up while watching gay porn" have to do with being heterosexual, or homosexual? 

[Jot]

What does "throwing up while watching gay porn" have to do with being heterosexual, or homosexual? 

Well, a healthy heterosexual man is disgusted at the idea of 2 guys having sex with each other, it is an unconscious act you cannot help but feel aversion.

[Horseradish]

Well, a healthy heterosexual man is disgusted at the idea of 2 guys having sex with each other, it is an unconscious act you cannot help but feel aversion.

 What do you mean a "healthy heterosexual man"? How do you know that a "healthy heterosexual man" would be disgusted by the idea of 2 guys having sex with each other?

[Jot]

 What do you mean a "healthy heterosexual man"? How do you know that a "healthy heterosexual man" would be disgusted by the idea of 2 guys having sex with each other?

I'm really sorry if I came across as mean or anything, "How do you know that a "healthy heterosexual man" would be disgusted by the idea of 2 guys having sex with each other?" I was talking from both my experience and some time ago I read in a psychology book that men feel repulsion towards male sexual interaction unless they are themselves gay.

[BrianBrian]

Ferssitar, in your opening post you mentioned that you've always felt sympathy for homosexuals. Could you talk some more about this?

[Horseradish]

I'm really sorry if I came across as mean or anything, "How do you know that a "healthy heterosexual man" would be disgusted by the idea of 2 guys having sex with each other?" I was talking from both my experience and some time ago I read in a psychology book that men feel repulsion towards male sexual interaction unless they are themselves gay.

It didn't come across as mean, it just came across as an assumption rather than a fact. Also, I'm a heterosexual woman, and I'm not repulsed by the idea of gay women or gay men. However this might be different than for a man. I have read about a study where heterosexual women have a sexual response to pictures of attractive men and women, where heterosexual men only have a sexual response to pictures of attractive women. However I haven't read anywhere that heterosexual men are naturally repulsed by gay sex, but I also haven't researched it. Do you know what book you read that in?

 

Edit: The reason I care about this distinction in your post is that it might be the difference between some sort of cultural aversion to gay sex, versus a natural aversion. Maybe if you previously were disgusted by gay sex, and now you aren't, it might not have to do with your sexuality, but maybe you gained some sort of empathy for gay men? I am not sure, and I haven't listened to episode 2701 so I'm not sure how that conversation went.

[Jot]

It didn't come across as mean, it just came across as an assumption rather than a fact. Also, I'm a heterosexual woman, and I'm not repulsed by the idea of gay women or gay men. However this might be different than for a man. I have read about a study where heterosexual women have a sexual response to pictures of attractive men and women, where heterosexual men only have a sexual response to pictures of attractive women. However I haven't read anywhere that heterosexual men are naturally repulsed by gay sex, but I also haven't researched it. Do you know what book you read that in?

Well, my sister is actually into YAHOI stuff "Yaoi Boys' Love, is a Japanese genre of fictional media focusing on homoeroticsexual relationships, usually created by female authors." and there are some other girls I know that are enjoying this, so it doesn't surprise me that you felt that I was just asserting, I'm pretty sure no hetro male would have called me out on that one.

Ferssitar, in your opening post you mentioned that you've always felt sympathy for homosexuals. Could you talk some more about this?

Sympathy was not the word I was looking for...what I really meant is that I empathized with gay men to a larger degree than most people, in fact I would say I am the only one in my community that has no prejudices against homosexuality, the rest would have no problem mocking each other by calling "faggot" or get disturbed on issues like gay marriage. 

[BrianBrian]

Ferssitar could you share some details regarding your relationship to your sister?

[MMX2010]

It didn't come across as mean, it just came across as an assumption rather than a fact.

 

ferristar, I hope you're not mad that I'm talking to you while addressing Kristi's post. 

 

I agree with her that you're assuming: "A healthy heterosexual male must want to vomit if he sees gay porn." 

 

What if all of our cultures been so lacking in empathy for gay men that they created the myth (assumption) that "Only vomiting is the proper reaction that heterosexual males should have towards gay porn?"  And what if you internalized that myth, and then discovered that non-vomiting is the healthy response?  What would that feel like? 

[Aaron727]

I would suggest talking to a therapist about your insecurity with your sexuality. It sounds like this is a really intense thing your dealing with.

[Jot]

ferristar, I hope you're not mad that I'm talking to you while addressing Kristi's post. 

 

I agree with her that you're assuming: "A healthy heterosexual male must want to vomit if he sees gay porn." 

 

What if all of our cultures been so lacking in empathy for gay men that they created the myth (assumption) that "Only vomiting is the proper reaction that heterosexual males should have towards gay porn?"  And what if you internalized that myth, and then discovered that non-vomiting is the healthy response?  What would that feel like? 

Frankly, I always thought that "feeling sick" while reading/thinking/watching homosexual interactions was rather a biological imperative than an internalized myth...

Ferssitar could you share some details regarding your relationship to your sister?

Man...it would take me hours to write that post...I would be glad if you narrow down your question, something more specific.

I would suggest talking to a therapist about your insecurity with your sexuality. It sounds like this is a really intense thing your dealing with.

I am very sexually insecure for a fact but it seems that today I feel a lot better, it was an anxiety attack after all...I usually have 3-4 periods like this every year...but I am certain that this was the most intense. 

[J-William]

Frankly, I always thought that "feeling sick" while reading/thinking/watching homosexual interactions was rather a biological imperative than an internalized myth...

I think you're assuming a lot here.

 

I don't think there's any biological imperative to it. I don't find myself repulsed by gay sex… If you are right then a lot of people watched broke back Mountain even though they were repulsed by the gay sex.

I find gay porn repulsive for many of the reasons I find heterosexual porn repulsive. Because it's just a bunch people going through the motions of sex and doing a very poor job of acting like they are having a great time.

 

Let me put it this way, if what you are doing in your bedroom looks like your average porn video then you are probably doing something wrong. And that applies to heterosexual or homosexual porn.

[MMX2010]

 

I think you're assuming a lot here.

 

I don't think there's any biological imperative to it. I don't find myself repulsed by gay sex… If you are right then a lot of people watched broke back Mountain even though they were repulsed by the gay sex.

 

 

I also think that the only requisite for being heterosexual is not engaging in any homosexual sex.  There's no need to feel sick when thinking about homosexual sex. 

[Jot]

I also think that the only requisite for being heterosexual is not engaging in any homosexual sex.  There's no need to feel sick when thinking about homosexual sex. 

Strangely, I don't find lesbian sex repulsive at all...quite the opposite but I think that this is true for almost all men, I simply can't remember one who didn't find it exciting.

[MMX2010]

Strangely, I don't find lesbian sex repulsive at all...quite the opposite but I think that this is true for almost all men, I simply can't remember one who didn't find it exciting.

I don't find it exciting, and have never found it exciting.  I've always interpreted it as a party that I'm not invited to, and I neither get jealous nor happy that such parties exist. 

[Ovi]

I am very sexually insecure for a fact but it seems that today I feel a lot better, it was an anxiety attack after all...I usually have 3-4 periods like this every year...but I am certain that this was the most intense. 

 

I want to first express my sympathy for what you are going through. I have had many such an episode myself (anxiety attacks such as the one you are describing), and I'd like to share what I've learned, maybe It will be of some use to you.

 

For me, anxiety attacks happen when I get to close (in my introspection) to an deep-rooted Issue I have with some aspect of my life, personality and upbringing. I've come to recognize the feelings and symptoms you describe as a clear signal that I've stumbled upon a major issue. I have got "too close" to a "sore spot".

 

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I do not claim to have any answers other than those I have found myself trough reasoning and observation of myself and those around me, and my own experiences of overcoming an abusive upbringing.

That said, If I had any advice to give, it would be:

• don't be content to just wait it out until it passes. This is an opportunity. Press on. Dig deeper. Hang in there, and keep thinking about the things that triggered this. It's scary like hell, it's terrifying, it can hurt emotionally like a ton of bricks. It's worth it. It may be your only path to finding the things that rule your life from the dark corners of your sub-conscious and set yourself free. It will be back, and the underlying cause would still continue to be there and affect your life in ways you don't even see now.
• You need to follow the thread you pulled, see where it leads, pull on it and if necessary unravel part of yourself in the process and examine it, only to then put it all back together, after weeding out the falsehoods intertwined in the fabric that is your personality.
• At every step, anxiety is the litmus test that tells you if you're on the right path.  Every time you get close for the first time(s) to an important issue, fact or answer about yourself that has been causing you pain, your fight or flight instinct will trigger.
• find someone close to you with whom to share what you are going trough. This path is hard, but going at it alone may make it impossible. I myself was not able to make much headway until I was able to find a person (she is my partner now for 6 years) that would listen and not judge, and also, as a bonus, make astute observations about what I was telling her when my judgement was lapsing due to fatigue or emotional distress.
• Ignoring it makes it worse. The more you ignore it, the scarier it gets in the long run. I've heard people compare dealing with these type of issues to "having to stare at a huge vicious monster in the face", or "going into a dark terrifying cave". Who wouldn't  have an anxiety attack under those circumstances? When you finally get the guts to go in and look at it, you will find it's no longer the scary monster, just a small suffering part of your own self that went mad with pain along the years.

I commend you on reaching out and taking the first step to facing your issues. As someone who went through very similar experiences, I know how hard it is. But it's totally worth it, if you ask me. 

 

I wish you all the best, and I hope some of this helps.

[BrianBrian]

Is your sister older or younger than you? How would you describe your relationship in terms of emotional health and honesty and respect? How did you come to learn about her interest in boy love comics?

[Jot]

Is your sister older or younger than you? How would you describe your relationship in terms of emotional health and honesty and respect? How did you come to learn about her interest in boy love comics?

We are twins and we are both 18, she was interested in anime since a very young age 10 I think and even now she reads manga and watches anime, I will answer the rest of your question when I have some spare time cause it is a lot to say.

I want to first express my sympathy for what you are going through. I have had many such an episode myself (anxiety attacks such as the one you are describing), and I'd like to share what I've learned, maybe It will be of some use to you.

 

For me, anxiety attacks happen when I get to close (in my introspection) to an deep-rooted Issue I have with some aspect of my life, personality and upbringing. I've come to recognize the feelings and symptoms you describe as a clear signal that I've stumbled upon a major issue. I have got "too close" to a "sore spot".

 

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I do not claim to have any answers other than those I have found myself trough reasoning and observation of myself and those around me, and my own experiences of overcoming an abusive upbringing.

That said, If I had any advice to give, it would be:

• don't be content to just wait it out until it passes. This is an opportunity. Press on. Dig deeper. Hang in there, and keep thinking about the things that triggered this. It's scary like hell, it's terrifying, it can hurt emotionally like a ton of bricks. It's worth it. It may be your only path to finding the things that rule your life from the dark corners of your sub-conscious and set yourself free. It will be back, and the underlying cause would still continue to be there and affect your life in ways you don't even see now.
• You need to follow the thread you pulled, see where it leads, pull on it and if necessary unravel part of yourself in the process and examine it, only to then put it all back together, after weeding out the falsehoods intertwined in the fabric that is your personality.
• At every step, anxiety is the litmus test that tells you if you're on the right path.  Every time you get close for the first time(s) to an important issue, fact or answer about yourself that has been causing you pain, your fight or flight instinct will trigger.
• find someone close to you with whom to share what you are going trough. This path is hard, but going at it alone may make it impossible. I myself was not able to make much headway until I was able to find a person (she is my partner now for 6 years) that would listen and not judge, and also, as a bonus, make astute observations about what I was telling her when my judgement was lapsing due to fatigue or emotional distress.
• Ignoring it makes it worse. The more you ignore it, the scarier it gets in the long run. I've heard people compare dealing with these type of issues to "having to stare at a huge vicious monster in the face", or "going into a dark terrifying cave". Who wouldn't  have an anxiety attack under those circumstances? When you finally get the guts to go in and look at it, you will find it's no longer the scary monster, just a small suffering part of your own self that went mad with pain along the years.

I commend you on reaching out and taking the first step to facing your issues. As someone who went through very similar experiences, I know how hard it is. But it's totally worth it, if you ask me. 

 

I wish you all the best, and I hope some of this helps.

Such a powerful reply...thank you, I found it tremendously helpful but I promise I will make a more in-depth reply to you when I have time.