Possible relationship issue.

[jester7707]

Hi everyone, Thanks for stopping in.

 

 

 

I wanted to talk about a situation that happened earlier today with my girlfriend and my feelings that sprang from it. Me and her have issues we are both working on and one of them that I discussed with her previously about was, how she tends to rely on others to help her with allot of daily task. I mean, to the point where it seems almost unhealthy to me.

 

For example, she'll ask throughout the day if i can get her drinks, make her food, do her dishes, or even ask me if I can help her with something just out of her reach even though I'm across the room. This sounds very innocent as I'm typing it out but, in the moment for me it can make me aggravated with her because, It seems like she is not a independent adult and to be clear, I don't mind helping my loved ones with these things but, it's just that she can ask very frequently.

 

She has improved this allot recently but still sometimes falls back into it from time to time, like earlier today. She and our roommate went to talk with our neighbor about teaching her how to crochet. later on, she sent him (our roommate) back to me to get the supplies she forgot. This made me angry. Almost to the point where my face gets flushed and I'm not sure why. I mean, it is a little annoying that she is relying on another again but, I can't pinpoint why I felt that much anger. Later on the anger turned into sadness just as Stef has mentioned in his previous pod-cast. It just seems like I'm over reacting to the situation or there is something I'm not fully understanding that my unconscious is trying to tell me. I would appreciate any help into this.

 

 

If you guys/gals have any questions or any insight to this, I would love to hear them.

 

 

Thanks again.

[Wuzzums]

Talk to her about her history and I'm sure you'll find the reason behind it.

Some people from overbearing families are incapable of dealing with these menial tasks because of how they were raised.

A thing that struck me from both examples you gave is that she asked for favors from men. Mind you, this may not apply to your girlfriend. I know a lot of women that are incapable of doing anything whenever there's a man around... but when no men are to be found, things get done seemingly through magic.

[BrianBrian]

Jester, I think you've done a great job identifying and communicating your thoughts, feelings and experience in your post. I like your awareness of your anger and the flushed face.and your willingness to say that you're not sure why.What was your discussion of your feelings about this matter with her like? How did you feel talking about it with her and what was her response? Have you had an opportunity to tell her "no" when she asks you to get something that is closer to her when you are across the room? What is/would that be like? Did you have an opportunity to talk with her after the roommate made an errand for her?If she agreed that this behavior might be inappropriate - and I don't know if it is but lets say maybe you both agreed it was kind of manipulative of her to see how much others would do for her - if she agreed that it wasn't healthy and committed to stopping it, and stopped doing it with you but not with others when you weren't around, I think I would be angry at a possible inconsistency. I would also wonder why the roommate wouldn't say "no thanks I'm busy."In your post you have been very courageous and curious and honest, are you able to communicate in this way in person with your girlfriend? Is she curious as well?

[Ovi]

My hypothesis for explaining the behavior:

 

By asking for these "favors" she is actually asking for attention and interaction. I am speculating here for lack of info but she probably had a parent who was not openly affectionate / distant and instead she learned to ask for things that they would provide instead of expecting affection.

 

When she's asking you to do these things, she's behaving like a helpless little child, in need of care. As a response, you tend to slip into a parental role, either by doing what she asked (caring parent) or by becoming displeased with her lack of self-sufficiency (critical parent). Either way she gets what she's after.

When you switch into a parental role like that it continues and reinforces the game, because no mater if your feedback is positive or negative, it's still feedback and it still counts (all living beings prefer negative stimuli to no stimuli at all) and that's what she's after. So it's a win-win for her.

Important note, this "game" is not played at a conscious level. She is not being manipulative on purpose, it's a behavior learned in childhood which she is repeating like a conditional reflex whenever she is in need of interaction/affection from you.

 

My suggestion:

To short-circuit this feedback loop, there's two steps you can take. Both are necessary, and they work together.

• When she displays the behavior, do not do what she asks but don't criticize her either. This eliminates the response she is used to and ends the "game"
• Instead, think of something fun you can do together. Do over there and grab her in your arms, tickle her, go for a walk, make love, do any of the things that you guys love doing together. This changes the premise of the whole thing, and in time will overwrite her conditional reflex and replace it with a normal request like: "I miss you, I want to do something fun together" which is what she actually wants.

The two steps work in tandem because a "game" like this, serves a vital need. It's a surrogate for real intimacy between two people. In step 1 you are ending the game, but you need to put something in it's place. Without step 2 there will be a void left unfilled, and things will either escalate to a new game, or you will grow apart.

Whatever you do, stop acting like a parent, that only reinforces the problem and "feeds the beast".

[Lians]

http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/2704/how-to-become-an-asshole-wednesday-call-in-show-may-21st-2014 (second caller, 34:20)

http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/192/curiosity-and-personal-relationships

 

I think you might find these podcasts relevant.

[jester7707]

Thanks for the input and curiosity everyone. It is very appreciated and helpful.

 

 

@BrianBrian

 

 

When it comes to her childhood and adult life I can see where it comes from. Her mother was very controlling. She would tell My girlfriend what to do and how to do it instead of just giving advice. It's kinda hard to explain but, if my gf were to not do as her mother wanted then her mother would almost always act in a negative way by either being cold and distant or through angry nagging. The same thing would happen with her mom trying to do my gf's daily chores like laundry and dishes ect.

 

Our discussion of my feelings about this matter with her was like, I feel as though I'm a parent and she is a child (Like Ovi mentioned) and I don't like that. I think it's not healthy and I told her that I think it would be more beneficial to us if she were to try and be more independent and she agreed. The way I usually feel in these conversations is like a parental figure and she is a child. It's almost as though no matter what approach I take I end up feeling like that.

 

I have had many opportunities to refuse to get her things near her by telling her calmly that I wont do that for her and followed by because, it's very close to you, or something along those lines. The way she reacts usually, is to say 'OK' in a way that I just reminded her of our previous talks.

 

We talked briefly in private after the indecent and I told her that I was angry with her for sending our roommate back to get her stuff. I admitted that I'm not sure why I'm as angry as I was but, it's definitely disappointing to see her sending him on errands for her. She apologized and after that she said something along the lines, that she believed she has been doing really good lately and that she thought it wouldn't of been a big deal to me. I didn't say much after that and we ended the conversation there. At the time I didn't know what ells to say and planned on talking to her again after having some time to think about it and hearing what everyone on here had to say.

 

The reason why the roommate does these things for her so eagerly is because he is kinda the white knight type of person. 

 

I do communicate with her in the same way I do here most times but, honestly sometimes, I do get angry and I allow it to come out in a unhealthy manner towards her instead of a calm and peaceful way.  I of course feel very guilty afterwards and apologize to her.

 

She is not as curious as I would like her to be. I do feel that I am much more mature than she is and that most of the curiosity is just from me.

[BrianBrian]

I appreciate your thoughtful and honest response, I think there is a lot of fantastic insight in your posts in this thread. Something about her reasoning for asking your roommate to run the errand is peculiar to me. Do you happen to have any other thoughts or feelings around her response, either while it was happening or now looking back?

[jester7707]

Thank you, BrainBrain.

 

I agree with you. It's hard for me to pin point what exactly about it that isn't satisfying to me. Like, if she had said "I sprang my ankle on the walk over and asked him to help me out." then, I believe that may have been a good reason to do that but, thinking back it seems almost like what an addict would say to a loved one. I'm not sure but, It does bother me though. I wish I could tell you more because, I feel as though I'm not giving you much to work with and I apologize if that's true. I'm more than willing to answer any more question you may have.

[LovePrevails]

Is this reciprocal? will she do little things for you? Will she pass you your glass if you're on the laptop and don't want to stop what you're doing or would you get the impression it's silly for you to ask but ok for her?

 

My girlfriend and I do little things for each other we could do for ourselves. That's fine - it's reciprocal.

 

Could it be that your girlfriend has learned to conflate having little things being done for her that she can do for herself with being loved?

It's also possible that she's learned to feel uncomfortable doing these little things

 

It's only a relationship problem  if the two of you can't have a reasonable conversation about it where you both listen to what one-another have to say without attacking, interrupting, or making character remarks. if you can talk about it it's not a relationship problem, it's an area for growth.

[jester7707]

Thanks for adding to the conversation LovePrevails.

 

 

She does do things for me too. Sometimes she does get slightly agitated when I ask her.

 

She told me that when she was growing up that her family would show appreciation in doing favors for each other also, that she feels agitated when I ask her to do small things but, she doesn't understand why she does. She thinks that she shouldn't feel that way.

 

I feel that we both are very new to this type of relationship. Where like you mentioned, we can talk openly and calmly in a positive way in which we do most times but, We still have many areas for growth and it's sometimes hard to see how a healthy functioning relationship looks like when it hasn't been modeled to us besides listening to Stef.