Sharing of Traumatic Childhoods

[massaki]

Hi Please share your childhoods with us. For support and understanding. I think sharing is good and it is very helpful, in the process, and i think we all came here to find support and support each other. Here is a email i sent to Daniel Mackler about my childhood, because right now im looking for a Therapist to help me.

 

Hi Daniel

 

I am 21, I have suffered great trauma, and I'm dealing with things that are beyond my ability to self-help. I have insurance, Emblem Health. I can't pay anything right now, i dont have a job, so i can only do it through my insurance. I was beaten almost everyday with a belt when i was like at least 4-8 for being "bad".  I went to public school and it was an animal house and i got picked on for being over weight. I was always told to defend myself, but then i did i was beaten for doing so. My uncle would ask me questions about things that happened, he would ask me why, while he beat me, with no answer ever satisfying him.My  Mom used to beat me  but I started fighting back, so she got my uncle to do it for her.  The beatings stopped  after i started grabbing knives threatening to kill them if they got near me.  My father was an abusive man, i only saw him once in a while, but his presence was always threatening. The last time i really talked to him i felt scared out of my mind, and that was in high school, the time before that was in 7th grade, he came over to the house one night drunk saying he was the police. I was doing my homework and I payed little attention to him, i said something  he didn't like so he slapped me really hard, and my body flung across the room. I was so small less than 5ft and he was 6"4. I remember running away and grabbing a knife and crawling up in a corner screaming get away from me.  Growing up I remember having this murderous impulse to kill anyone who hurt me, and a lot of my life i have been trying to control it, by numbing myself. I just now realized that the murderous feeling wasn't really mine in sense but my mother. I at first thought she just wanted to kill me inside like,  when i was little and i wanted to lose weight, she would make me go on short walks and then have me eat absurd amounts of fast-food like a double cheese burger, with a 20pc chicken nugget, with a large  fries and a large milkshake and peach cobbler. There are other stuff too, but i blocked it off when for when i was younger.  Something more recent is that she was screaming at me,but  talking in lowered angry voice ,but it was full of hatred, and cruel intentions,  I forgot what she said, but she started making fun of me, and then i began to have an anxiety attack and she started making fun of me having an anxiety attack, i was screaming please stop as i was shaking in the corner, she then started threatening to call the police and have me locked up in a crazy-house and she started imitating a straight jacket. I when i was younger for many years i thought she was going to poison my food and i was paranoid about it for years thinking that this might be my last meal, i now realize i wasn't crazy for thinking that she always had this sickening murderous like feeling about her that was covered up, i thought then and i think now she is completely capable of killing me. She even calls the police saying im dangerous several times and then sends them away, she doesn't want them to talk to me acourse she wants them to either scare the shit out me or to kill me, she looking for the right ones. One time i confronted her about how she keeps my cousin in the house even though he tortures me everyday, and keeps me from sleeping and im terrified of this murderous sick fuck, but she basically said its out of her control, and i told her she was the owner of the house, she has full control and then she started ignoring me, so i sprayed juice on her that was near by. She  then tried to punch me twice ,and i  deflected them, but i raised my hand a third time, because i have been a practicing fighting because i was so scared, my hand hit up her glasses a bit on the side,  i wasn't in any mode to attack, my fists weren't even balled up, but she started screaming i hit her and then she called the police on me and i was scarred for my life. The most recent is when i realized that she was trying to kill me, she was screaming and threatening a four year old and i went and told her that it was wrong, it's detrimental and that stuff hurt me back then. She told me to go back to my room and that my point was made. A few minutes later she calls in his father to "discipline" him, so his father starts screaming at him, and she knows how fucking crazy this guy is,one time he almost choked his girlfriend to death while she was holding his child, and he stalked her and got her fired from her job.. My mom was trying to bait me, so that he could kill me. I remember when i fought my uncle over the same thing, while he was choking me on the floor , i was waiting looking towards her to do something, but she looked content letting it all happen letting me die. I had to  use all my practicing and just pure survival instincts and saved myself.  I made a choice when I was a little boy to help people instead of being a monster, and I've been attacked most my life for doing so, I'm still sticking with that choice,, I just need someone to talk to for help, so i can get out of this hell so i can help others. I did see a several psychiatrist and psychologists thorough out my life and more recently about 6 months ago for 1.5 years a counselor, but they all were very destructive and they didn't care about me, just the narrative in their heads that they wanted to project. There is a lot more stuff, i guess, something else significant she told me for many years that these things never happened and one time i caught her when in her lie, when she told me to get over it, it's in the past. The reason i didn't tell anybody, when i little was because it was normal, i live in a black community and its disgusting and abusive, and i knew no one would care to help me and also my mom told me if i ran away i would get raped and  killed, and if i went to a foster-home, i would get repeatedly raped and used for state money.