Meeting Hector

[Pat Bouvry]

I’m writing the following with the permission from Hector for anyone in this forum to give their ideas and possibly contribute to answer his questions and maybe alleviate his desperate thoughts about his current situation.

 

I recently posted on FDR about being available to meet people in Hong Kong who want to talk about philosophy.  So last week, a guy named Hector contacted me saying he was a teacher in Beijing and wanted to meet me for a coffee.  He tells me it would be nice if I had a place for him to stay the night (!), but I decide to still meet him nevertheless, by curiosity.

 

Hector, a young guy with long hair, walks quickly (slightly late) in the coffee shop looking for me.  After our introduction, he explains that he is passing through Hong Kong for paper issues related to him “trying” to get an English teaching job in Beijing through a crappy agency. 

Hector was born in Spain, is 26 years old, and seems apparently in a hurry.  Without really explaining more, he start with the question: “Please tell me who your are?”.  Wow, I thought.  That’s really quick to business.  After 5 minutes sitting down, Hector wants to know my childhood, my parents, my studies, my work, my family, and everything else there is to know about me.  Being 16 years older than him, I play along and explain a little bit about my background and highlight some of my current interests.  But to my surprise, Hector tells me that I’m not answering his question.  He needs to know “who” I am, deep down. 

 

After this apparent brutal beginning, I decide to ask more about him.  Hector is a very intelligent guy.  He talks or understands more than 6 languages (Spanish, English, French, Arabic, Swedish, German, …) and is now interested in also learning Chinese.  He says he’s had a terrible childhood with significant beatings from his mother (I don’t recall exactly, but his father seemed also absent).  In brief, Hector had a crappy childhood, and has now just come out of a 7-years relationship with his girlfriend.  So not surprisingly, he seems depressed, and says he’s looking for someone to connect with as he’s now got no friend or family to talk to. 

 

His method of communicating is very direct, wanting to know the deepness of my thoughts right away.  His theory seems to be that people who don’t immediately completely open to others are “not worth knowing”, and he is wasting his time if he can’t get to people’s cores of thoughts right away.  On the other hand, he repeats that he’s got no friends, and doesn’t seem to connect or realise the link between the two.  Until then in the conversation, Hector seems like a normal depressed guy who is going through a rough transition phase in his life, and is looking for someone to reflect his thoughts with.

 

I ask him about his plans, and he tells me that teaching in China was his latest plan, but that it didn’t work (as opposed to “he is a teacher” introduction).  He’s now supposed to fly back to Spain and “will certainly find something else…”, and then adds “if not, then it will be the gun and the bullet…”.  To be certain, I make him repeat what he just said.  OK.  Now this is no longer a conversation about philosophy.  To my eyes, Hector has just transformed into a deeply traumatised young adults who has not yet found a way to explain or accept the terrible rejection and injustice he suffered as a child and is still in a desperate mode to hang on to anything, or die. 

 

We ended the discussion after 90 minutes, and he insisted to pay for the coffee.  I felt I was leaving a vulnerable guy with some significant issues in a needy situation with his lack of any plan to eat, for a place to stay or to return home.  I asked him if he had enough money to do all that, to which he replied that “all was ok”.  The nature of our meeting having significantly changed, I didn’t feel any obligation in further helping him, feeling a bit betrayed that he staged this meeting in hopes of acquiring a deep connection appearing magically out of nowhere with a stranger, an immature expectation from someone with an obvious lack of self-confidence and serious issues regarding social connections with other.  I have no doubt Hector’s cry for help is legitimate and healthy for him to find a way to get out of his apparent dead-ends.

 

I told Hector would post my thoughts on the forum, and that they would be blunt.  He rejoiced at the idea and wrote that this is exactly what he wants: for people to be true and blunt.

 

 

So I invite anyone on this forum to tell Hector (FDR ID: Withanametocome) his thoughts and ask him questions, in order to help him go through this currently difficult phase of life.

 

Don't give up Hector.

[Withanametocome]

I’m writing the following with the permission from Hector for anyone in this forum to give their ideas and possibly contribute to answer his questions and maybe alleviate his desperate thoughts about his current situation.

 

I recently posted on FDR about being available to meet people in Hong Kong who want to talk about philosophy.  So last week, a guy named Hector contacted me saying he was a teacher in Beijing and wanted to meet me for a coffee.  He tells me it would be nice if I had a place for him to stay the night (!), but I decide to still meet him nevertheless, by curiosity.

 

Hector, a young guy with long hair, walks quickly (slightly late) in the coffee shop looking for me.  After our introduction, he explains that he is passing through Hong Kong for paper issues related to him “trying” to get an English teaching job in Beijing through a crappy agency. 

Hector was born in Spain, is 26 years old, and seems apparently in a hurry.  Without really explaining more, he start with the question: “Please tell me who your are?”.  Wow, I thought.  That’s really quick to business.  After 5 minutes sitting down, Hector wants to know my childhood, my parents, my studies, my work, my family, and everything else there is to know about me.  Being 16 years older than him, I play along and explain a little bit about my background and highlight some of my current interests.  But to my surprise, Hector tells me that I’m not answering his question.  He needs to know “who” I am, deep down. 

 

After this apparent brutal beginning, I decide to ask more about him.  Hector is a very intelligent guy.  He talks or understands more than 6 languages (Spanish, English, French, Arabic, Swedish, German, …) and is now interested in also learning Chinese.  He says he’s had a terrible childhood with significant beatings from his mother (I don’t recall exactly, but his father seemed also absent).  In brief, Hector had a crappy childhood, and has now just come out of a 7-years relationship with his girlfriend.  So not surprisingly, he seems depressed, and says he’s looking for someone to connect with as he’s now got no friend or family to talk to. 

 

His method of communicating is very direct, wanting to know the deepness of my thoughts right away.  His theory seems to be that people who don’t immediately completely open to others are “not worth knowing”, and he is wasting his time if he can’t get to people’s cores of thoughts right away.  On the other hand, he repeats that he’s got no friends, and doesn’t seem to connect or realise the link between the two.  Until then in the conversation, Hector seems like a normal depressed guy who is going through a rough transition phase in his life, and is looking for someone to reflect his thoughts with.

 

I ask him about his plans, and he tells me that teaching in China was his latest plan, but that it didn’t work (as opposed to “he is a teacher” introduction).  He’s now supposed to fly back to Spain and “will certainly find something else…”, and then adds “if not, then it will be the gun and the bullet…”.  To be certain, I make him repeat what he just said.  OK.  Now this is no longer a conversation about philosophy.  To my eyes, Hector has just transformed into a deeply traumatised young adults who has not yet found a way to explain or accept the terrible rejection and injustice he suffered as a child and is still in a desperate mode to hang on to anything, or die. 

 

We ended the discussion after 90 minutes, and he insisted to pay for the coffee.  I felt I was leaving a vulnerable guy with some significant issues in a needy situation with his lack of any plan to eat, for a place to stay or to return home.  I asked him if he had enough money to do all that, to which he replied that “all was ok”.  The nature of our meeting having significantly changed, I didn’t feel any obligation in further helping him, feeling a bit betrayed that he staged this meeting in hopes of acquiring a deep connection appearing magically out of nowhere with a stranger, an immature expectation from someone with an obvious lack of self-confidence and serious issues regarding social connections with other.  I have no doubt Hector’s cry for help is legitimate and healthy for him to find a way to get out of his apparent dead-ends.

 

I told Hector would post my thoughts on the forum, and that they would be blunt.  He rejoiced at the idea and wrote that this is exactly what he wants: for people to be true and blunt.

 

 

So I invite anyone on this forum to tell Hector (FDR ID: Withanametocome) his thoughts and ask him questions, in order to help him go through this currently difficult phase of life.

 

Don't give up Hector.

 

 

[i AM IN NO IMMEDIATE DANGER, AT ALL!]

 

 

 

Hello again, Pat,

 

You quoted me true about the bullet and gun thing, although worringly partially methinks. Allow me the full phrase:

 

"If I ever thought there was no possibility of me getting the life I want, then I have a plan B: buying a bullet and hiring a gun. Out of respect for me and whoever could see me, I won't grow up to be a frustrated oldfart."

 

Now, you are spot on about the relative danger of my situation, which I only in part succeeded to transmit to you: if you, Pat, have an accident and need to lay hospital-bound for several months, then you have your wife (and probably more people!) that will take care of you all recovery long. I don't: I am one accident away from being fucked up, and I guess that's one of the reasons why I am so much in a hurry.

 

Our encounter was a reminder of the scores I have yet to improve in intimacy with those initially reluctant through that way with me. So, in a certain sense, you made me a better.

 

And yes, 'twas ok for me, the rest of the night.

 

Bien à toi!