massaki Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I haven't really spoken to anyone in person for about 5months except my family who are abusive. I used to have lots of friends ,but they didn't really care about me, i had surrounded myself with toxic destructive people, so I at first talked about my true feelings, about my life and i asked them questions about theirs and i was rejected, it was person by person, this happened over a 2year period. I started talking to a guy on here, but he hasn't been on skype for a week and i guess im feeling lonely too. I know why i feel crazy its because whenever i was little and i pointed out m mom's contradictions she would make me feel crazy, i guess it's due to all the rejection and constant rejection i get at home. I feel like i am going no where. I have been trying really hard and everything i do feel futile, I still have the same problems but i am alone ,and i can't really talk to new people i meet, because i can see their toxicness and i can tell where our friendship will end up. My last friend i had i thought i could really talk to her until, i asked her a question about her mom and she freaked out on me and kept calling enlightened and told me how i should feel. She contacted me a week ago like nothing happened when its been 5 months since we last talked. I wanted to talk to her about how i felt hurt by her calling me names, i told her, i didn't even care about talking about her mother, but she still freaked out on me and told me how i should feel, and she told me how the past is the past and i should let it be in the past. I thought she sounded like my mother. I then told her it was really important to me and if she had something she wanted to talk about with me even if it was a year ago, i would talk with her about it. She then threatened to stop being my friend. I really want to get a job and leave, but im terrified of being out by myself, i feel like im gonna die out there. My mom when i was younger instilled me being with the outside world is equal to death and i guess those feelings still lingered. I had always been sad, but not to this level and it started when i was in college and it has progressed. I also have a problem where i obsess about things to a point where i dont do them, but i will obsess for hours about them, its a way to make me like still. I feel like there is no end to this. Also whenever i feel like im getting better or im getting a piece of myself back, my mom will do something to break me, like screaming at me until i have an anxiety attack and then making fun of me and threatening to lock me in an asylum while im in the corner crying, 3 months before i went off to college she gave me an eviction notice, when i did go to college she withheld money for my books and then blamed me for the books being so expensive it was like 2-4 weeks in before i got the books, i remember i missed a lot of homework. She did stuff like that to break me. I guess my question is do any of you guys have like any type of strategy i can use to help keep myself together so i can get a job and get out of here? If you or anybody you know has a situation like this please can you tell me how they got out of it. I just want to say i will not ever see a counselor or a psychologist/psychiatrist again they have all been very damaging and I do not trust them, throughout my life i have been to 6 and they have been either blind to the abuse, didn't find it as a problem or they kept telling me especially the last one "don't say that about your mother" "you dont mean that" "she cares about you" and this was after i told him how my uncle my strangling me in front of her and how she watched and did nothing. I also must apologize for my writting, i am in a dismal state of mind right now, but i need advice, i haven't given up yet.
Pleiades Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I just started reading this. I'll get to it in a second, but I just want to offer you a hug and compassion before continuing reading. Please don't apologize for your writing. Please don't apologize for reaching out to someone. You need help and you will find it. This is a very supportive community here. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I try to be there. Have you considered calling into Stefan's show? He is very good at offering advice. What worked for me is I found a few very good friends. They constantly support me, encourage me and we talk about things that are important to us. That's what worked for me. I was very fortunate to find people I can trust. It requires me to be there for them and support them back.
In the belly of the beast Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I haven't really spoken to anyone in person for about 5months except my family who are abusive. I used to have lots of friends ,but they didn't really care about me, i had surrounded myself with toxic destructive people, so I at first talked about my true feelings, about my life and i asked them questions about theirs and i was rejected, it was person by person, this happened over a 2year period. I started talking to a guy on here, but he hasn't been on skype for a week and i guess im feeling lonely too. I know why i feel crazy its because whenever i was little and i pointed out m mom's contradictions she would make me feel crazy, i guess it's due to all the rejection and constant rejection i get at home. I feel like i am going no where. I have been trying really hard and everything i do feel futile, I still have the same problems but i am alone ,and i can't really talk to new people i meet, because i can see their toxicness and i can tell where our friendship will end up. My last friend i had i thought i could really talk to her until, i asked her a question about her mom and she freaked out on me and kept calling enlightened and told me how i should feel. She contacted me a week ago like nothing happened when its been 5 months since we last talked. I wanted to talk to her about how i felt hurt by her calling me names, i told her, i didn't even care about talking about her mother, but she still freaked out on me and told me how i should feel, and she told me how the past is the past and i should let it be in the past. I thought she sounded like my mother. I then told her it was really important to me and if she had something she wanted to talk about with me even if it was a year ago, i would talk with her about it. She then threatened to stop being my friend. I really want to get a job and leave, but im terrified of being out by myself, i feel like im gonna die out there. My mom when i was younger instilled me being with the outside world is equal to death and i guess those feelings still lingered. I had always been sad, but not to this level and it started when i was in college and it has progressed. I also have a problem where i obsess about things to a point where i dont do them, but i will obsess for hours about them, its a way to make me like still. I feel like there is no end to this. Also whenever i feel like im getting better or im getting a piece of myself back, my mom will do something to break me, like screaming at me until i have an anxiety attack and then making fun of me and threatening to lock me in an asylum while im in the corner crying, 3 months before i went off to college she gave me an eviction notice, when i did go to college she withheld money for my books and then blamed me for the books being so expensive it was like 2-4 weeks in before i got the books, i remember i missed a lot of homework. She did stuff like that to break me. I guess my question is do any of you guys have like any type of strategy i can use to help keep myself together so i can get a job and get out of here? If you or anybody you know has a situation like this please can you tell me how they got out of it. I just want to say i will not ever see a counselor or a psychologist/psychiatrist again they have all been very damaging and I do not trust them, throughout my life i have been to 6 and they have been either blind to the abuse, didn't find it as a problem or they kept telling me especially the last one "don't say that about your mother" "you dont mean that" "she cares about you" and this was after i told him how my uncle my strangling me in front of her and how she watched and did nothing. I also must apologize for my writting, i am in a dismal state of mind right now, but i need advice, i haven't given up yet. I'm sorry to hear about all of those toxic people and terrible experiences that you've had. I don't have any particular insight to offer in this case, but I would agree with Pleiades that you should strongly consider calling in to the show to speak with Stef. I also had a poor experience with my last therapist. Many therapists will, sadly, make excuses for the people that have abused and/or neglected you. I know of of at least two fellows that offer affordable distance counseling sessions, and both are members of the FDR community: Username: Darius http://www.selfarcheology.com/consulting-and-emotional-help.html Username: LovePrevails YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVEPjlK7oeluYLKNQg1xuaA (It's probably easiest to contact him through this site.) Not trying to plug these guys. But they would probably be more willing to truly listen to you than most other mental health professionals that you have encountered before.
massaki Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I'm sorry to hear about all of those toxic people and terrible experiences that you've had. I don't have any particular insight to offer in this case, but I would agree with Pleiades that you should strongly consider calling in to the show to speak with Stef. I also had a poor experience with my last therapist. Many therapists will, sadly, make excuses for the people that have abused and/or neglected you. I know of of at least two fellows that offer affordable distance counseling sessions, and both are members of the FDR community: Username: Darius http://www.selfarcheology.com/consulting-and-emotional-help.html Username: LovePrevails YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVEPjlK7oeluYLKNQg1xuaA (It's probably easiest to contact him through this site.) Not trying to plug these guys. But they would probably be more willing to truly listen to you than most other mental health professionals that you have encountered before. Thank you for the links. I just started watching enrich your life youtube channel, and i think he is a great guy and a lot of my anger and fear towards therapy went away after listening to him for a few seconds. Once i get a job, hopefully i will be able to get help from him. Thank you again. I just started reading this. I'll get to it in a second, but I just want to offer you a hug and compassion before continuing reading. Please don't apologize for your writing. Please don't apologize for reaching out to someone. You need help and you will find it. This is a very supportive community here. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I try to be there. Have you considered calling into Stefan's show? He is very good at offering advice. What worked for me is I found a few very good friends. They constantly support me, encourage me and we talk about things that are important to us. That's what worked for me. I was very fortunate to find people I can trust. It requires me to be there for them and support them back. Thank you for your empathy and advice. I will contact Micheal and try to speak with stef. There is most likely something i am missing , that i can't find out on my own. I signed up for an FDR meetup in newyork, so i hope to meet really cool people there.
LovePrevails Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Hi I can't say how sorry I am to hear of what you have experienced I am glad you have enough self-awareness, though, no notice when someone is "telling you what you should feel" that kind of awareness will save your life the fact your so-called friend freaks out about a personal subject being broached is a clear indication that it' her who is crazy rather than you you fear that you will die out there, the sad truth is that you are dying in here! you need a safe space to escape to, living with your abusers is not going to afford you that I am so sorry I know how scary it can be. I also want to express my outrage over those abusive therapists and counselors. It is extremely unprofessional to tell a client "you don't mean that" - the professional should be struck off for a comment like that.
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