OCD plauging College Education

[Amelius]

Hello, this is going to be something of a long rant concerning my college life thus far, so if you're interested, stick around:(NOTE: IF YOU ARE PRONE TO ANXIETY, CONSIDER NOT READING ON AS SOME OF THE THINGS BELOW MIGHT BE DEPRESSING TO CERTAIN PEOPLE.)I got into one of the highest rated colleges in the middle-east due to my high high-school grades and good SAT scores; I chose electrical engineering as it was the most logical choice, having had specialized in the most advanced math and physics classes in high-school. I was at the top of my class for a while and was amongst the best of students.During my final years of high-school, certain compulsions started manifesting(checking the stove, checking the water taps, cleaning the sink in fear that my mom would get impregnated from any seminal discharge,...)These types of compulsions carried on with me, although I was able to get through my last year of high-school somewhat unscathed.During my transition from high-school to college, these compulsions would start being accompanied with obsessions. I would start obbsessing about my online activity, about watching pornography, about doing anything illegal online... I would get plagued with thoughts that something I had done would come and haunt me and ruin my chances of getting any job in the future. I would obssess about a lot of things, from the mundane("are my keys placed where they ought to be?") to the more serious("did I do anything unethical earlier today?")My obsessions would then start becoming more concentrated around law and the state. I would start questioning various laws and norms; I would start obssessing about going to prison and being locked up; it was also during this time that I had formally anounced my atheism.(I remember obsessing that my mother would probably burn in hell because she had not accepted Jesus, and I would have nightmares where my mother would be chained to a wall and would be screaming in agony...)These obsessions would start taking up a lot of my time, derailing me from being able to concentrate on my studies. Most, if not all people, would not understand what I was going through and would assume that I was being lazy or was uninterested in the subject. This was far from the truth; During my college years, I have almost never gone to any "party" or "wasted my time" doing social things. I would not play any video games or watch endless TV... I would just sit there, with my thoughts, staring at the ceiling and picking at my brain, all the while trudging through all the orgies of thoughts that would bombard me constantly.I would think of ending my life at times, seeing eternal oblivion as a way to escape the constant hell that was my life; yet, I would not act on it since I knew that doing so would leave my folks in utter despair at the loss of their only son's life.I would get high grades at classes that invloved critical thinking(Philosophy, Psychology,...), nyet my engineering classes were tormenting me since they would be taught at a quick pace.; I didn't like that... I'm a person who likes to understand every single detail of what I'm learning, and so I would slack behing because I had to study longer, all the while dealing with unwanted thoughts and obssessions.At around the end of my second year in college, I sought psychological/medical help, and I was diagnosed with obssessive-complusive disorder and clinical depression; I was put on SSRI's and I'm still taking them to this day.Just over six months ago, my best friend commited suicide, having jumped from the sixth floor of the men's dormitory. That was a somewhat strong blow to me, although most of my anxiety came when I was being questioned by the police, to whom I had confessed to smoking pot once. They locked me up for a few hours and made me go through senseless, pathetic questioning and made me miss an exam I had studied for so well. All this flared up my angst, and I would go into fits and rage, punching walls and almost severing my hand in an incident where I punched a pane of glass.My atheism/anarchist idealogies would put me at odds with a lot of people around me, fueling my anxiety.(I was threatened with death at one point by some Muslim, although nothing really came of it)...and here I am, four years into college, still struggling with some courses; I'm taking it somewhat easy this summer, only taking one major course; I will be beginning REAL therapy on Monday, hopefully.I'd like to think that I am somewhat of a smart person, having been told by others and having my high-school grades and college scholarship as testimonial evidence to that; yet, all that seems moot because of my debilitating OCD that has been crippling me all throughout these years.If anyone has gone through anything similar, or has any advice, please feel free to share.Thank you.

[tjt]

Hi Amelius, I'm really sorry to hear about your intense struggles. I have bouts with OCD on occasion, nothing constant as you are experiencing but I wanted to see if I could provide a little info that might help you out.

 

I've often wondered the relationship between how you were/are parented and the onset of OCD, and wanted to start a thread eventually to get others' thoughts on the matter. I would like to argue that there is definitely a correlation between how we are parented and OCD.

 

My earliest memory of having OCD was at the age of 5 or 6. I washed my hands frequently. And it was noticeable, as my skin turned dry and pinkish. I eventually got over this because my dad threatened me if I didn't stop (he had a huge fear of raising "abnormal/weird" children that didn't fit in socially). After that, I started engaging in OCD behaviors that were more secretive. For example, counting things in my head... like the number of times I touched the basketball during warm-up before I played a game - I 'had' to land on an even number, otherwise it was in my head that I would perform poorly during the game. Notice how there is no true causal relationship between the behavior and the outcome.

 

Luckily, these bouts mostly passed by the time I entered high school and they never controlled me to a point of interfering with my well-being. Just recently, I noticed some OCD bouts coming on again. This time, it was checking to make sure the stove and oven were off, and checking to make sure the door is locked. Finally, I approached my own behavior with curiosity... why do I feel these urges, why do I question myself, etc... rather than just being frustrated and feeling controlled by these urges.

 

I realized -- It seems to come on when I feel out of control of my life or I'm undergoing a big change... so a combination of stress, feeling out of control, and lacking self confidence. OCD doesn't make sense logically; we engage in rituals or behaviors to prevent a certain outcome (for example your mother being tortured or going to hell) even though the ritual is completely unrelated and couldn't possibly effect that outcome. And on the other hand, things like checking the oven seem to be related to the outcome you are trying to avoid (not wanting the house to burn down)... so the issue there is a little different--a complete lack of self-confidence and severely second guessing yourself. You know damn well you turned the stove off, but that certainty is chased away by insecurity and doubt.

 

So I looked even further back and realized the root of my own OCD... my father and my mother. My dad was an emotionally retarded man who only acted on anger or disappointment. When he "punished" me, it wasn't necessarily because I was doing something "bad," but rather he was in a poor mood, had a stressful day at work, or was being interrupted from watching tv, etc. I couldn't recognize this as a child, but now I see that I held myself, my thoughts, my actions accountable for his moods... which in reality was something that I had absolutely no control over (only my dad can control his own moods, emotions and behaviors). Hence, I would do things that I thought would prevent my dad's mood from turning dark and angry, thereby (falsely) preventing an outburst of evil from my father. And so that is one of the seeds of my OCD, trying to control something that I absolutely had no control over, and feeling extreme guilt when I failed.

 

My dad was also a control freak and an extreme perfectionist. He made me to believe I was always wrong. Hence, where the self doubt comes from when I feel the need to check that I turned the stove off.

 

Additionally, my mother is a toxic worrier... worrying about everything, even things that are uncontrollable. This seed is also a contributor to my OCD.

 

Ok, sorry for going on and on about myself. My advice for you is to find the root of the OCD... yeah it's fucking annoying and you just want it to stop, but have you tried listening to it, looking at it from an outside perspective? When did it start, and at that time what major life changes were you undergoing? I notice you say that it started in college... going to college is a big change and incredibly stressful (because we are made to believe that the next couple of years will have a HUGE impact on the rest of our lives! Do poorly in college and you will end up a homeless drunk on the street, or worse, you'll work at McDonalds for the rest of your life... that's bullshit but it's how culture has made us believe). Also, you should analyze your relationship with your mother as it seems she is involved in all of the bad outcomes that you are trying to avoid by engaging in these unrelated behaviors/rituals.

 

I remember watching a documentary about people with OCD. One of the girls had an intense fear of her mother dying, and so she 'had' to keep her house immaculately clean and every household item in just the right spot, or she was certain her mother would die. They interviewed the mother, and she seemed almost flattered by her daughter's behavior--it ensured their bond would last forever, and she enjoyed someone's attention being on her constantly. Yet, on the outside she tried to front that she was concerned about her daughter and wanted to help her. So I wouldn't be surprised if this girls mother had primed her to behave this way (probably not intentionally, but more subconsciously).

 

As a short term fix, have you tried forcing yourself to forgo the rituals/behaviors? For example, fight the urge to check the stove, fight it like hell. The more you prove to yourself that nothing catastrophic will happen when you don't do the behavior/ritual, the more you will realize on every level of consciousness just how unnecessary the rituals are.

 

Also, I'm sorry to hear your doctor recommended SSRIs. I understand those are very difficult to come off of.

 

I hope something I've said in this gigantic post will help you.

[aFireInside]

***This is just theory***

 

I noticed a pattern.

Sometimes we do things just to seem busy and alleviate our anxiety about life... i.e. the present or the future .

(I had trouble with this) 

 

For example you choose a major that is somewhat abstract, and requires allot of analytical thinking. You are into FDR, you said you like taking courses like philosophy. 

And you have "obsessive-compulsive disorder" 

 

 

All these things can be really good at distracting you from life.

 

 

My basic theory is that you are distracting yourself from something, let me know what you think. 

[Amelius]

Hi Amelius, I'm really sorry to hear about your intense struggles. I have bouts with OCD on occasion, nothing constant as you are experiencing but I wanted to see if I could provide a little info that might help you out.

 

I've often wondered the relationship between how you were/are parented and the onset of OCD, and wanted to start a thread eventually to get others' thoughts on the matter. I would like to argue that there is definitely a correlation between how we are parented and OCD.

 

My earliest memory of having OCD was at the age of 5 or 6. I washed my hands frequently. And it was noticeable, as my skin turned dry and pinkish. I eventually got over this because my dad threatened me if I didn't stop (he had a huge fear of raising "abnormal/weird" children that didn't fit in socially). After that, I started engaging in OCD behaviors that were more secretive. For example, counting things in my head... like the number of times I touched the basketball during warm-up before I played a game - I 'had' to land on an even number, otherwise it was in my head that I would perform poorly during the game. Notice how there is no true causal relationship between the behavior and the outcome.

 

Luckily, these bouts mostly passed by the time I entered high school and they never controlled me to a point of interfering with my well-being. Just recently, I noticed some OCD bouts coming on again. This time, it was checking to make sure the stove and oven were off, and checking to make sure the door is locked. Finally, I approached my own behavior with curiosity... why do I feel these urges, why do I question myself, etc... rather than just being frustrated and feeling controlled by these urges.

 

I realized -- It seems to come on when I feel out of control of my life or I'm undergoing a big change... so a combination of stress, feeling out of control, and lacking self confidence. OCD doesn't make sense logically; we engage in rituals or behaviors to prevent a certain outcome (for example your mother being tortured or going to hell) even though the ritual is completely unrelated and couldn't possibly effect that outcome. And on the other hand, things like checking the oven seem to be related to the outcome you are trying to avoid (not wanting the house to burn down)... so the issue there is a little different--a complete lack of self-confidence and severely second guessing yourself. You know damn well you turned the stove off, but that certainty is chased away by insecurity and doubt.

 

So I looked even further back and realized the root of my own OCD... my father and my mother. My dad was an emotionally retarded man who only acted on anger or disappointment. When he "punished" me, it wasn't necessarily because I was doing something "bad," but rather he was in a poor mood, had a stressful day at work, or was being interrupted from watching tv, etc. I couldn't recognize this as a child, but now I see that I held myself, my thoughts, my actions accountable for his moods... which in reality was something that I had absolutely no control over (only my dad can control his own moods, emotions and behaviors). Hence, I would do things that I thought would prevent my dad's mood from turning dark and angry, thereby (falsely) preventing an outburst of evil from my father. And so that is one of the seeds of my OCD, trying to control something that I absolutely had no control over, and feeling extreme guilt when I failed.

 

My dad was also a control freak and an extreme perfectionist. He made me to believe I was always wrong. Hence, where the self doubt comes from when I feel the need to check that I turned the stove off.

 

Additionally, my mother is a toxic worrier... worrying about everything, even things that are uncontrollable. This seed is also a contributor to my OCD.

 

Ok, sorry for going on and on about myself. My advice for you is to find the root of the OCD... yeah it's fucking annoying and you just want it to stop, but have you tried listening to it, looking at it from an outside perspective? When did it start, and at that time what major life changes were you undergoing? I notice you say that it started in college... going to college is a big change and incredibly stressful (because we are made to believe that the next couple of years will have a HUGE impact on the rest of our lives! Do poorly in college and you will end up a homeless drunk on the street, or worse, you'll work at McDonalds for the rest of your life... that's bullshit but it's how culture has made us believe). Also, you should analyze your relationship with your mother as it seems she is involved in all of the bad outcomes that you are trying to avoid by engaging in these unrelated behaviors/rituals.

 

I remember watching a documentary about people with OCD. One of the girls had an intense fear of her mother dying, and so she 'had' to keep her house immaculately clean and every household item in just the right spot, or she was certain her mother would die. They interviewed the mother, and she seemed almost flattered by her daughter's behavior--it ensured their bond would last forever, and she enjoyed someone's attention being on her constantly. Yet, on the outside she tried to front that she was concerned about her daughter and wanted to help her. So I wouldn't be surprised if this girls mother had primed her to behave this way (probably not intentionally, but more subconsciously).

 

As a short term fix, have you tried forcing yourself to forgo the rituals/behaviors? For example, fight the urge to check the stove, fight it like hell. The more you prove to yourself that nothing catastrophic will happen when you don't do the behavior/ritual, the more you will realize on every level of consciousness just how unnecessary the rituals are.

 

Also, I'm sorry to hear your doctor recommended SSRIs. I understand those are very difficult to come off of.

 

I hope something I've said in this gigantic post will help you.

Thank you for your reply.I have also wondered about how parenting might have affected me in this way. I reckon it's not so cut and dry, and that there are numerous contributing factors that have all played into this "perfect storm". Also, when it comes to confronting my parents about their parenting, I tend to be quite honest in my questions with them("Why was I circumsiced?",...), yet feel sympathetic towards them because of my attachment towards them and because I am somewhat understanding that back in the day, they didn't have the best resources of information like we do now.I have also started writing down my dreams, in hope of getting something useful out of them.I'm not entirely sure what to think of SSRI's, as I haven't really seen any compelling evidence for taking/not taking them. For now, I guess I'll have to stick with them while I undergo therapy.Again, thank you for your input; it was helpful.

[Quadrewple]

During my transition from high-school to college, these compulsions would start being accompanied with obsessions. I would start obbsessing about my online activity, about watching pornography, about doing anything illegal online... I would get plagued with thoughts that something I had done would come and haunt me and ruin my chances of getting any job in the future. I would obssess about a lot of things, from the mundane("are my keys placed where they ought to be?") to the more serious("did I do anything unethical earlier today?")My obsessions would then start becoming more concentrated around law and the state. I would start questioning various laws and norms; I would start obssessing about going to prison and being locked up; it was also during this time that I had formally anounced my atheism.(I remember obsessing that my mother would probably burn in hell because she had not accepted Jesus, and I would have nightmares where my mother would be chained to a wall and would be screaming in agony...)These obsessions would start taking up a lot of my time, derailing me from being able to concentrate on my studies. Most, if not all people, would not understand what I was going through and would assume that I was being lazy or was uninterested in the subject. This was far from the truth; During my college years, I have almost never gone to any "party" or "wasted my time" doing social things. I would not play any video games or watch endless TV... I would just sit there, with my thoughts, staring at the ceiling and picking at my brain, all the while trudging through all the orgies of thoughts that would bombard me constantly.I would think of ending my life at times, seeing eternal oblivion as a way to escape the constant hell that was my life; yet, I would not act on it since I knew that doing so would leave my folks in utter despair at the loss of their only son's life.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through and have gone through such a tough time.  When you mentioned anxiety around the law and state, and how your biggest (or the only one mentioned) reason for avoiding suicide was the despair of your parents, the first  thought came to my mind was that your OCD tendencies are a way of unconsciously trying to defend yourself from punishment......which if I'm right would mean your parents punished you often, for things which were not wrong, and punished you disproprotionally to the "offense".  Punishment could mean physical or verbal abuse, or withdrawing of affection for things your parents disapproved of.

 

What was your experience with punishment as a child?

 

I'll also add that I also experienced OCD symptoms, especially as a kid (mostly physical ticks) - I used the computer quite a bit and I used to have a nasty habit of every time I clicked the right-mouse button I had to "balance it out" by clicking the left-mouse button.  I also perpetually did drum beats with my jaw clenching to the left and right.