Clark Gorny Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I have been taking care of my sisters kids for about 9 months while she has been in Rehab.. I am living at my mothers house during this time. My mother is a savage beast and an alcoholic. She takes no responsibility whatsoever for my sister being in Rehab. If I stay here much longer I am going to lose my mind. I want to help these poor kids who have been born into chaos. I have made the case over and over with my mother about the practicality of using time outs and yelling and the fact that it just makes things worse in the long run. I have sent her multiple links to articles and books explaining this. If I talk to her in person she just laughs at me saying something like "they need to learn they can't always have their way" She accuses me of "just letting them do whatever they want". The reality is she wants the kids to be broken so she can force them to do whatever she wants. She literally just a few moments ago put the little girl in time out because she wanted to wear her recital dress. My mother tricked her into giving her the dress by saying she was helping her take off the dress so she could go to the bathroom. But afterwards my Mother wouldn't give it back. So of course the little girl started crying and asking for it back. Because this behavior bothers my mother she picks up the little girl while she is still screaming and puts her in her room and locks the door. The little girl sobs and cries pressed up the door begging to be let out.. I am living in a nightmare. Not only am I stuck with this fucking beast of a person but I am powerless to protect the children from her. If I try to intervene she will go psychotic screaming and yelling at me threaten me insult me, she is capable of anything. I want them to have a chance in life and I am worried that I am just sealing their fate by being a part of all this. I am 100% committed to virtue and of course peaceful parenting, my mother is the exact opposite she just wants to get her way at any cost(so long as she can't get in trouble for it) I have recently come to accept the definition of the word sociopath to describe her, I could write a whole book on the horrors she has forced me to endure in childhood. The children have a strong bond with her and I worried that I am just making it stronger by tending to their wounds so she can rip them open again.. I want these kids to be able to identify monsters like this and avoid them not "love" them. I plan on moving out with the next 6 months but what then? I don't see any way of getting her out of my life so long as I am in the kids life. And when my mother is in my life I don't exist I am a just a chew toy for her insatiably sadistic appetite. Right now I am easily startled by noises, if I see my mom moving fast out of the corner of my eye I tense up and prepare for an attack. I am stressed to the point where its effecting my health. I am exhausted all the time. Anytime I am around her I feel nauseous. Its extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable and connected with the children around my mother, I can't be myself with them when she is lurking over my shoulder. Am I doing more harm then good by giving them this model even tho I am relatively able to give them the model I want when she is away Mon-Fri 6am-5pm?
_LiveFree_ Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Wow, it's bad enough to have this evil heaped upon you, but to see helpless children take the wrecking ball is unspeakable. I'm so sorry man. Why are you living at your mother's if you don't mind me asking?
Clark Gorny Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Wow, it's bad enough to have this evil heaped upon you, but to see helpless children take the wrecking ball is unspeakable. I'm so sorry man. Why are you living at your mother's if you don't mind me asking? Thanks for the empathy, Basically I had to give up my job in order to be the full time Caregiver, I can barely afford to live at my mothers at the moment so if I wanted to move out I would have to put the kids in Daycare.
_LiveFree_ Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I think part of the problem is that it's your mother. What would you do if she were just a roommate, totally unrelated to you, and you saw her treat the children that way?
Clark Gorny Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 I think part of the problem is that it's your mother. What would you do if she were just a roommate, totally unrelated to you, and you saw her treat the children that way? Well I wouldn't move into a house with people who had kids unless they had proven themselves to be dedicated to peaceful parenting. In this situation I only took the bullet because I thought it would only be a few months and that I was helping their mom get off the drugs.. I recently had a good conversation in chat about all this and it brought allot of clarity. Only thing I don't really know at the moment is how much of a difference I am making in their life by helping them to develop in there most influential years. I also have to factor in the damage it will do when I am no longer a primary caregiver. Now I really have to try and decide if it is best for them that I remove myself from their lives almost completely.
wdiaz03 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I'm sorry for your situation and that of the kids. May I ask how old you are and the kids are? I don't know if there's much you can do about your mother at this point but You have not said much about your sister other than her drug addiction, how bad is it, what is her attitude now towards change? Have you talked to her about the abuse the children are receiving from your mom? How close are you to her? What are her plans once she gets out of rehab? I think you tried reasoning with your mom, It seems the next step is to try reasoning with your sister.
Clark Gorny Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 I'm sorry for your situation and that of the kids. May I ask how old you are and the kids are? I don't know if there's much you can do about your mother at this point but You have not said much about your sister other than her drug addiction, how bad is it, what is her attitude now towards change? Have you talked to her about the abuse the children are receiving from your mom? How close are you to her? What are her plans once she gets out of rehab? I think you tried reasoning with your mom, It seems the next step is to try reasoning with your sister. The kids are 2 and 3, I am 31. I talk to my sister on occasion and she will just ask things like "how are you doing?" I think to myself Ummm... I am raising your kids living in our mothers basement.. I am horrible but I can't say that to her all she wants to hear is "good how are you? what are you up to?" She wants to have conversations like none of this is happening. I have recently found out that my mom has been given full custody of the children. Allot of things have recently come to light. I have a new perspective and a plan to get my life together again and possibly get custody. Thanks everyone who has helped.
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