Paranoia --> "Oh my god! Did I say the wrong thing?"

[Mac]

So folks, I seem to have this problem which I believe is causing folks to want to distance themselves from me, and the problem is that of being far too paranoid about how I come across to others. And by that, I mean: "Oh my god, did what I just say offend you? Oh my god, was what I just said irrational? Oh my god, etc. etc. etc."

 

For instance, I will say something to a group of folks I am starting to develop a good friendship with, and then, after re-reading what I said to them, believe that what was said to be lacking of any boundaries. Then I proceed in asking them what they thought about what I had just said, and I do this in an unreasonably anxious fashion. What seems to result, and this could just be the same paranoid part of me coming to this conclusion, is that the folks I am chatting with get nettled, and that they want to take a step back from building a friendship with me.

 

So yeah...I really really really want to get rid of this and would like to know if any of ya'll have had similar issues with being overly concerned with what others think of you. How did you come to understand this paranoid part? What did you do to rid yourself of this undesirable character trait?

 

Thanks for reading, folks! Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[MysterionMuffles]

Holy shit I can relate. That's how I felt with my first writing group 4 years ago. I didn't talk much and I was unsure if any of my critiques were valid. I always got jealous of how in depth they got about their own stories and how much they can catch in terms of corrections.

 

 

Even right now I feel the urge to self censor in regards to my social expiraments the past 7 years. But basically I've been with a wide variety of people from all walks of life. Mainly pot smokers, boozehounds, but now thankfully people with straight heads on their shoulders (for the most part). I used to think my social anxiety came out of being inherently awkward with having nothing to offer, but then I realized when it came to the drugs and alcohol people, I realized what I had to offer was actually just too much depth for them.

 

How I came to understand that paranoid part was really interesting...I didn't know other people did this, but I first began with a 2 hour audio journal. I felt so silenced and unheard even if I did speak up. I just had the urge to talk to myself out loud, no shame, no problem, and I did. To this day I continue to have walks and talks with myself while being recorded on my phone because sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who can understand me.

 

Which is why I audio journal. I don't know if it'll work for you, but for me it has. Having done this has made me more comfortable with hearing myself speak and learning how to self correct. I do remember stuttering HORRIBLY when you, myself and a few others spoke on Skype earlier this week. I would normally be up in arms with myself about it but I understood that no one was going to judge me for it and just let me continue speaking once I got past that conversational roadblock.

 

Sometimes other people don't even notice it or say anything and it's usually just me being my own worst critic. How I figured that was when I audio journal and mess up speaking horribly, I learned to laugh at it and take the time to breath, relax, and recuperate before reinstating what I had to say. I would like to suggest that you audio journal. NOT written because that you can take your time with to formulate your words. A raw and unfiltered audio journal seems to be a way to see what happens with your stream of consciousness in the moment. Then listening back to it you can learn to figure out where you need work. At least in my experience. Hope that helps!

[TheMatrixHasMe]

I can relate to your post.

 

Here are some questions that I hope you will find useful.

 

 

What evidence do you have that you are the source of these paranoid feelings?

 

What makes you think that the feelings you are experiencing are misleading you?

 

To take it a level deeper, how do you know for certain that the paranoia you are experiencing has anything to do with your true feelings?

 

Do you think it is possible that you are picking up on the paranoid feelings of those to which you are associating?

 

Are these individuals free, or are they involved in master/slave  or slave/master relationships in their lives?

 

 

This video might help. The relevant content starts around the 7:13 mark.

[Kevin Beal]

"Freedom is nothing if there is no freedom to make mistakes"

 

I think the biggest thing is feeling secure in yourself and your relationships. Not trying to manage other people, because you trust that it's not going to explode the relationship if you say the wrong thing.

 

It's kind of like a methodology vs the conclusion. What's important is not so much what people think, but how they think. If you act according to your own values consistently, even if people disagree, I can't help but respect that anyway. And I think decent people who aren't entitled and narcissistic will feel the same way.

 

And lord knows you aren't the only one.

 

Also, hey dude!

[Mac]

Matrix, great set of questions! Let me try and answer them.

 

 

What evidence do you have that you are the source of these paranoid feelings?

I'm having difficulty knowing how to answer this one. Do you mean, is the paranoia that you are experiencing someone else's paranoia? If so, who else could be the source of my paranoid feelings? How could I conceivably know if my paranoid feelings weren't mine? I have heard Stef tell listeners who call into his show that "that feeling that you are experiencing at this moment is not yours, it's your mother's (or father's, etc.)"; and every single time I hear Stef say something along those lines, I get this incredible desire to want to know more about how Stef knows that that is the case--it's a truth bomb i'm sure, but it still hasn't registered in my brain.

 

 

What makes you think that the feelings you are experiencing are misleading you?

I actually spoke to one of the individuals whom I thought I weirded out. I told him what his thoughts were about what I had said in the group chat to him and everyone else, and he responded with it being a non-issue for him--that it didn't bother him; he also recommended I try understanding where the paranoia came from.

So yeah...I was pretty relieved once I got the assurance from him that what I had said wasn't something that wanted him to step the hell away from me. It's just that I do not know if that is the case for the other folks in that particular group chat.

 

 

To take it a level deeper, how do you know for certain that the paranoia you are experiencing has anything to do with your true feelings?

Dude, Matrix, this question is one of those cutting-through-the-matrix-esque questions. I have no way of knowing how to approach this one; seems to be way over my head at the moment. Any advice on how you explore whether or not your feelings have anything to do with your true feelings? 

 

 

Do you think it is possible that you are picking up on the paranoid feelings of those to which you are associating?

I don't think so, but a few of these folks have mentioned to me that they have had problems with being really self-conscious in the past. I hardly get the impression that they are self-conscious until they tell me that they were, say, worried about bringing up topic XYZ. I think it'd be worthwhile for me to ask them how they, for the most part, overcame this problem of theirs; and what they do when they catch themselves falling back into that hyper-self-conscious state.

 

 

Are these individuals free, or are they involved in master/slave  or slave/master relationships in their lives?

Free as in, are they financially independent of their (crappy) parents? If that's what you meant, then no. Many are still rely on their parents financially, but all who still are recognize the nature of their relationship with their parents. In other words, they do not delude themselves that the relationship is a healthy one when it is not. They tell it like it is.

I'd like to know why this question is an important one to answer. I'm sure that it is, otherwise you wouldn't have asked it, but I want to know what made you ask this question.

 

 

I think I gave you a whole bunch of non-answers; or answered with questions lol.

 

I'm eager to read your reply, Matrix. I really want to tackle all the questions you asked me which I still haven't sufficiently answered.

[Smash]

From reading all the responses, and from my own understanding, your not alone.

 

Im really glad you made this post because there is no way I would have had to courage to do it. Way to go!

What I do to combat this is start the conversation with "My journey has just begun, any correction or input on what I say would be appreciated". I found this helpful but not a complete relief of anxiety. I still spend at least an hour after my day to review every conversation I had and critique it in depth. Ive come to the conclusion Im not going to be correct all the time when stepping outside of my comfort zone. Which ive done simply by joining FDR. Ive also learned, much like yourself, I am my own worst critic.

 

Ive had friends (irl) that know so much about whats behind the veil of politics, morality, philosophy. I enjoyed listening but never spoke up, out of fear of embarrassing myself. This partially was because I would see how badly they'd critique each others topic or opinion. Ive started to view criticism as someone saying "Your a great person, heres how you can be even better". Granted this isn't always the case and some people just like to rub in the rightness.

 

Thanks for sharing this and I hope your not feeling oh so alone with this struggle anymore.

 

Asheli

[Mac]

 

"Freedom is nothing if there is no freedom to make mistakes"

Adding that to my list of quotes worth tattooing onto my forehead. I'm starting to get a lot of space up there (my forehead, that is), and it's time to start substituting the disappearing follicles with truth bombs. Yours might be right on top. First. Best.

 

 

 

 

If you act according to your own values consistently, even if people disagree, I can't help but respect that anyway.

 

Yeah. I can't expect to have everyone agree with what I think and believe. Whenever I hear someone say something that I do not agree with, I don't jump to, "Okay, now we are not friends. Now I do not like you as much. Now I want to distance myself from you." It seems as though I have a double-standard going on. I allow others to make mistakes, but not myself.

 

 

Also, hey dude!

[Kevin Beal]

It seems as though I have a double-standard going on. I allow others to make mistakes, but not myself.

Right. That's important, I think.

 

Ideally, we can be at least as compassionate toward ourselves as to another person in that situation.

[Mac]

 

I do remember stuttering HORRIBLY when you, myself and a few others spoke on Skype earlier this week.

Rainbow Jamz, I don't even recall the stuttering, but if you did stutter, your expressed thoughts were intelligible enough for me not to notice.

 

 

As far as your advice goes, I'm still not quite sure that recording myself talk will be of help in dealing with my paranoia. Indeed, it'll help me detect verbal ticks and irrational thoughts and so on, but I don't think it'll do anything to dim the spotlight that I put on myself when I'm around others.

I still want to know why it helped you; if you could provide some more specifics, I'd appreciate it. Did you come to the realization, after having listened to yourself speak, that you don't sound as silly or irrational (or whatever else) as you thought you did? If so, did coming to that realization allay some of the anxiety you have whenever you are around others?

[MysterionMuffles]

Yeah pretty much. Sometimes I even get surprised or impressed by what I'm able to say. All my life, my parents never took the time to listen to me or validate any of my thoughts or feelings. To be and do that for myself has been a depressing, albeit refreshing experience to be my own parent. Sometimes I listen with judgement, sometimes I don't. It helps me empathize with myself based on the energy I had on certain entries. Like, "oooh...why was I so pissed off? Oh I get it *or* guess it wasn't that big of ad deal, but it was back then."

 

It has a lot to do with just feeling comfortable with saying what you want in the moment, but then on a relisten, taking the time to learn where I can improve my speech patterns. What sorts of thoughts am I most strong with, and which ones do I just fall and stumble? The stumbling ones is where it's important to not self attack for not being eloquent enough. Rather be accepting that I am prone to it.

 

See the thing is with awkward moments though, Cameron, is that everyone has them. And only your own will be the ones you notice the most unless you have contempt for the other person. I had a friend who was all sorts of awkward; he would change the subject, talk over me, and sometimes even have completely different conversations with himself IN my presence. You did not do any of those and you are galaxies ahead of that guy. Glad to read that you don't remember my stutter. I still think about it thinking, "yeah I sounded retarded, but at least Caleb completed the word for me when I was struggling to say it." Because in the flow of my consciousness, my tongue couldn't keep up with my brain.

 

That's another thing you'll learn from audio journalling for even 10 minutes. I usually go for an hour, but even 10 minutes is sufficient enough to see if you talk too fast, too slow. When you're with the right people, you can take your time to formulate your thoughts. You're not rushed to respond or respond even well. Just being responded to is enough for most people because we all want to be heard. Let yourself be heard. Feel comfortable with being heard. Be comfortable hearing yourself! 

 

If anyone in that group call we had had a moment of awkwardness, it's already gone in the flow of time. I didn't notice any of them because I'm only conscious of my own mistakes, not others. Again, only if I have contempt for them, which I don't have for you or anyone else here on FDR. 

[TheMatrixHasMe]

Matrix, great set of questions! Let me try and answer them.

 

I'm having difficulty knowing how to answer this one. Do you mean, is the paranoia that you are experiencing someone else's paranoia? If so, who else could be the source of my paranoid feelings? How could I conceivably know if my paranoid feelings weren't mine? I have heard Stef tell listeners who call into his show that "that feeling that you are experiencing at this moment is not yours, it's your mother's (or father's, etc.)"; and every single time I hear Stef say something along those lines, I get this incredible desire to want to know more about how Stef knows that that is the case--it's a truth bomb i'm sure, but it still hasn't registered in my brain.

 

I actually spoke to one of the individuals whom I thought I weirded out. I told him what his thoughts were about what I had said in the group chat to him and everyone else, and he responded with it being a non-issue for him--that it didn't bother him; he also recommended I try understanding where the paranoia came from.

So yeah...I was pretty relieved once I got the assurance from him that what I had said wasn't something that wanted him to step the hell away from me. It's just that I do not know if that is the case for the other folks in that particular group chat.

 

Dude, Matrix, this question is one of those cutting-through-the-matrix-esque questions. I have no way of knowing how to approach this one; seems to be way over my head at the moment. Any advice on how you explore whether or not your feelings have anything to do with your true feelings? 

 

I don't think so, but a few of these folks have mentioned to me that they have had problems with being really self-conscious in the past. I hardly get the impression that they are self-conscious until they tell me that they were, say, worried about bringing up topic XYZ. I think it'd be worthwhile for me to ask them how they, for the most part, overcame this problem of theirs; and what they do when they catch themselves falling back into that hyper-self-conscious state.

 

Free as in, are they financially independent of their (crappy) parents? If that's what you meant, then no. Many are still rely on their parents financially, but all who still are recognize the nature of their relationship with their parents. In other words, they do not delude themselves that the relationship is a healthy one when it is not. They tell it like it is.

I'd like to know why this question is an important one to answer. I'm sure that it is, otherwise you wouldn't have asked it, but I want to know what made you ask this question.

 

 

I think I gave you a whole bunch of non-answers; or answered with questions lol.

 

I'm eager to read your reply, Matrix. I really want to tackle all the questions you asked me which I still haven't sufficiently answered.

 

 

Sorry I wasn't clear. The questions were really more for you to ask of yourself. 

 

When I refer to master/slave or slave/master relationships, it is in the context of how people are treating themselves at the personal level.

 

For example, if I force myself to go to a job that brings me little or no satisfaction other than a paycheck, and misery replaces my bone marrow, then the relationship I have to myself (or parts of myself) might be a master/slave paradigm. In other words, society and my family might rejoice at the art work I produce, but the creative little kid inside of me is kicking and screaming all the way. If I am living in a manner that is immoral toward myself, and I come in contact with someone who is self-aware and living in a manner that one could say is moral toward themselves (and others) then that is likely to generate feelings that might include paranoia. Or, it might not, depending on the person or people involved. 

 

Now, I'm not suggestion that this is what is going on with the people you are surrounding yourself with, but many people are not aware that this type of inner master/slave dynamic is occurring for them internally, and is a sort of inner violation of the nonaggression principle- if that makes sense?  So when these people come in contact with someone like you—a person who is pursuing self-knowledge, it is THEIR emotions that is getting triggered. If so you might be misinterpreting their feelings as your own. In this case, paranoia.

 

To recap, the questions I asked were things for you to consider and to ask of yourself in an honest and curious manner so you can begin to have a clearer understanding of where those feeling might be coming from.

 

Also, did you watch the video I posted above? 

 

If not here it is again.

Freedom From The Fears of Others