wittney Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Hi all. I don't know if this has been talked about before (I don't lurk the forums nearly as often as I should), but I just don't know who else to ask. So. My stepdaughter is 6 years old and last night she wanted to get in bed with us because our cats were bothering her, more or less. She said she was "creeped out by the cats meowing and the cricket noise" (the cricket is a cat toy). This is a new place (we've only been here about a week) so I understand the random things freaking her out. What I don't know is if I should have let her get in bed with us. She fell asleep pretty quickly and about an hour later I had my husband take her back to bed. She slept through the night after that and was fine this morning. So should I let her get in bed with us if she's scared or not? Is this conditional cosleeping a good thing or should I have told her to sleep on her own? Halp.
LanceD Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Why do you think letting your daughter sleep with you is a bad thing? There are lots of people out there with family beds, and co sleeping increases the bond between parents and child. Your daughter should feel confident she can come to you guys any time something is wrong and you will help her. Sending her back to sleep alone just seems incredibly insensitive and uncaring.
wittney Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Does it really seem that insensitive? Because where exactly is the boundary between our privacy/need for restful sleep and her needs? We spend all day with her and have virtually no privacy. Is it unreasonable to want to sleep in bed with *only* my husband?
st434u Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I don't think it is insensitive. Some parents can manage to have children sleep with them, and some can't. And some only manage it on occasions. I think the most important thing is that you communicate with her and let her know that you guys need some alone time. Also I would try and talk to her about what all these noises are, keeping in mind that it's perfectly natural for her to be scared of noises she's unfamiliar with, or when living in a new place, and that sleeping with you will calm her down. Also, if the cats are a big problem for her, I'd consider getting rid of them.
cynicist Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I'm not a parent or anything so the grain of salt idea applies here, but my first thought was, "Does it happen often?". It sounds like you suspect it has more to do with being in an unfamiliar (new) house rather than the cats (or their toys), since that is something different. I think being cautious is probably a good instinct, but unless it becomes frequent I think it's probably a good idea to let it happen so that she can feel secure even while she is afraid. If it becomes common enough (no rule besides your judgment here) then you might want to take a different approach.
LanceD Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Does it really seem that insensitive? Because where exactly is the boundary between our privacy/need for restful sleep and her needs? We spend all day with her and have virtually no privacy. Is it unreasonable to want to sleep in bed with *only* my husband?I think you're being insensitive because you're finding an issue after the very first occurrence, or at least that's how I read your original post. If this was a thing that has been happening for six months straight and you were looking for a way to help her feel comfortable in her own bed I would feel different about your story. As it is now it sounds like you're trying to justify putting your want over her need.
st434u Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I think you're being too tough on her Lance. The only thing I really find an issue with is putting her back on her bed after she's asleep, which would be confusing for her when she wakes up, not knowing how she got there and why she's sleeping alone. But it really is only an issue if you don't explain to her that it's not ok for her to sleep all night on your bed, and that her own bed is perfectly safe and you can hear if something dangerous were to happen (if that is in fact the case, of course). If things are communicated clearly, I don't see this as a big problem. I don't know how I will handle these situations when I have my own children, but I think it's up to the parents to figure out if they allow cosleeping or not, and how often. I would also keep if mind that cats could potentially be very dangerous to a 6 year old girl, if they were to start behaving aggressively (which doesn't seem to be the case, but sometimes you can't predict these things accurately)
cynicist Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I would also keep if mind that cats could potentially be very dangerous to a 6 year old girl, if they were to start behaving aggressively (which doesn't seem to be the case, but sometimes you can't predict these things accurately) Depends on how you treat the cats.
wittney Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 I think you guys are making a few too many assumptions about my household. We've never ever ever had problems with our cats being violent or aggressive. We're putting the cricket toy away at night so the cats won't have that to make noise with when my stepdaughter is sleeping. That should take care of that particular problem. My question is about cosleeping at her age when she has never coslept before. I understand that cosleeping for newborns and infants can be beneficial to the parent-child relationship, but are there any negative effects on starting this at age 6? I would prefer not to have her in bed with us at night out of comfort, but if it would be better for her when she's scared and if there wouldn't be any longterm negative effects, then obviously I would allow it for her.
LanceD Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 There are no known negative effects of co sleeping at any age.
Brentb Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 My question is about cosleeping at her age when she has never coslept before. I understand that cosleeping for newborns and infants can be beneficial to the parent-child relationship, but are there any negative effects on starting this at age 6? I would prefer not to have her in bed with us at night out of comfort, but if it would be better for her when she's scared and if there wouldn't be any longterm negative effects, then obviously I would allow it for her. If this is a new behavioral pattern for her then I think the question is: What has changed in her relationship with her father or with you? Or maybe what has changed that has made her feel less safe? If it was a one time thing, and not a pattern, then it's nothing to be concerned about.
Wesley Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I think it might be useful to ask what used to happen when you were scared as a child or had bad dreams? What did your parents say when you wanted to stay with them to be comforted at night? How did you/your parents deal with you moving houses as a child?
meta Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I don't think it can be wrong if it is occasional.I think the stress of moving to a new place is a good reason for her to ask proximity.
tasmlab Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hi Wittney, having her want to fall asleep with you in the new house sounds completely normal to me. As anecdote, we cosleep with our three year old, but it isn't unusual to break out into different groupings based on if somebody is having a bad dream or something. E.g., my son and I will go sleep together in the guest room, or my older daughter may ask to sleep on the floor of the bedroom at night, and often my son and daughter will share a bed if they are feeling uneasy (ages 6 and 8). I find it to be something that is comforting and affectionate. Oddly, adults seem to want to cosleep with each other (even, or even mostly, in the absence of sex on many nights) presumably to feel safer, more comfortable and to express care. Kids must desire this too. IMO
Ruben Zandstra Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I understand about it being uncomfortable at times and how it may wreck your nights sleep. We've certainly been there with three children. I usually weigh my options like this: Is it close to get-up time then no problem; I'll move over and we'll all snooze along. If it's in the middle of the night and some limited action of mine will probably help out ( close her window, remove a cat) I'll do that and tuck her in again in her own bed. If the night is still long, and there's general unrest / anxiety / desire for closeness then I'll roll out the guest bed and place it next or near to her own bed. That way we can all sleep and get what we want.
James Dean Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I think cosleeping is one of the best things you can do with a child. I slept with my dad until I was 12 and my mom until I was around 9 or 10. Even when I was a teenager I would wake up at 6am and crawl into bed with my parent until having to get up 30 minutes later. It was nice and I got some extra sleep, which as a teenager, I would do anything for, we all know how that goes. My parents divorced when I was 6 and sleeping with them at night helped to solidify a bond that was really damaged by the divorce. All in all, it was one of the things they 'got right' as parents, albeit accidentally.
tasmlab Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I have a friend with a five person family (kids aged 4, 9, and 10) and they decided to lash a king bed with a queen to make a giant bed so that the family could sleep together on some nights. The kids still retain and use their own room. It accommodates occasion family-wide cosleeping without getting a knee in one's back.
Aimee Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I think it's fine. My son will sometimes come lay next to me after having a bad dream or picturing scary shapes out of shadows. I'd much rather he be well rested and feel safe and protected than be told he has to go "deal with it" alone and afraid.
QueechoFeecho Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 As others stated, it depends on the frequency. If this is once and there was an event that precipitated it, no problem. If it's long-term and ongoing, maybe it's a problem.
LanceD Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 As others stated, it depends on the frequency. If this is once and there was an event that precipitated it, no problem. If it's long-term and ongoing, maybe it's a problem.How is a child wanting to be close to parents a problem?Please enlighten me
QueechoFeecho Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I did use the word "maybe". There can be instances where it is more than just "a child wanting to be close to parents". Let me cook up an extreme example. Maybe there is a gorilla that comes into the child's bedroom at night through the chimney and tells the child bad jokes, disrupting their sleep, so the child flees to the parents' bedroom every night. In this case, the frequency and ongoing nature of the child going to the parents' bedroom is indicative that there is some other issue. I think you were being deliberately obtuse by characterizing the behavior as "a child wanting to be close to parents", especially given that I had put in qualifiers in the post of mine that you were responding to, like "depends on..."; "If..., [then] no problem"; and "If..., [then] maybe it's a problem".
Ady Sheerer Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 This article might be helpful:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201110/why-young-children-protest-bedtime-evolutionary-mismatch
dsayers Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 where exactly is the boundary between our privacy/need for restful sleep and her needs? She is not there voluntarily and cannot leave. Her biological parents created a positive obligation to satisfy her needs until such a time she is able to do so herself. If you did not voluntarily create such an obligation to her when you married him, then such a conflict of needs would require that you leave the situation, not her. I realize the thread (and OPers presence) are outdated, but I think this is an important clarification.
chewit Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I am of the mind that we are seperated from our parents in many ways too early in life... so a little co-sleeping does no harm - in general. But if you've already established a rule of no co-sleeping then it is probably this that you may need to address with her. I can understand that if she is in a new house with a new bedroom, new noises etc... that as long as you help her understand that it is because of these factors that you are happy for her to jump into bed with her, and that it won't happen all the time, then she will be fine. Seeing as this post is a while old, how did the situation develop, OP?
st434u Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 This article might be helpful: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201110/why-young-children-protest-bedtime-evolutionary-mismatch Very interesting, thank you for posting.
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