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The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name:

 

The song usually gets me chocked up. I think it reflects the schizophrenic nature of loneliness. Sometimes hysterical and sometimes tranquil. Perhaps even both at the same time.

 

My mother got depressed and left when I was very young. We, 4 kids, had different women take care of us for my first 8 years. I remember getting into fights then but I had no struggles with friends or loneliness. At 8 we moved and I left my friends and I had much less adult supervision. My father continues to be a workaholic. I mostly went from school to home with my 3 elder siblings, oldest 12 years old. That was when I really started struggling. I had some kids to play with but I never connected to any of them. I remember not smiling because I always forgot to brush my teeth. There were other less secure kids than me. I wonder what they went through. Some kids were even picked on by the teachers. How sadistic.

 

I never took friends over. Our house was usually a wreck. When I got a paper route I would go to the corner store and get a microwave meal for supper. I sometimes cried alone in my room, and even sometimes while walking my paper route.

 

I was lucky to be good looking in high school and I was approached by girls. Otherwise I would likely never have made the jump.

 

Now I have a good romantic relationship, a step son and a daughter. I met her on a dating site. Most of the people I spent time with would sabatoge my pursuits and relationships, so there was no chance of meeting anybody through them, or even around them.

 

I still don't have friends other than her. It makes things pretty volatile when we disconnect since I loose most of my bearings. NVC has helped my be more stable when we disconnect and we more easily keep and repair connection.

 

My social skills are improving but I'm still not sure how to make friends. Though I also don't have the same drive to get more people in my life. I am currently mostly satisfied.

 

If you have insights please share.

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