Simon The Isolationist

[Yeravos]

I am not sure how to start this. For quite some time now, I have felt ambiguous towards the FDR community. On one hand, I see the community as one of the most beautiful things on this planet, if not the most beautiful. The honest, kind people it is inhabitated by. The flourishing of ideas, the unwavering support to eachother, is beyond words.

 

But, on the other hand, I feel like I am not part of it. That I am alien to it. That my interactions here, from my side, are false, self-serving, vain, evil. Sure, some of it has been self-serving, and yes, some vanity has driven me here. But it isn't core to WHY I am here, it is a sandcastle on a beach, that I am certain of. But, a part of me blows these acts of vanity and self-serving out of porportion, judging me as sinister, as not worthy of being in this community.

 

Although, I think to myself, I am not engaging a whole lot with the community. Is it then really that weird if I don't feel like I am a part of it?

And then I realize, after a while, something I have concluded before: I am afraid of trying to connect with people, both in real life and here on the boards. Several factors play into this. For one, I find it hard to empathize with people. Like, sometimes, if I hear of something terrible someone has been through, I feel next to nothing. And I understand that others DO feel something in response to hearing the same thing I am hearing (happens a lot when Stef is talking with callers). And I hear a voice say ''You are a broken human being! Disgusting.'' Based on that, I deduct that I will have a harder time connecting with people, because I cannot fully sympathize with them.

 

Another part of it, is me fearing to talk with people in general. When I think of doing just that, I hear inside myself, that I will not bring anything of worth to the table. That I will waste the other persons time. This is reflected greatly in my life, where I might want to engage in conversation with someone I know or want to get to know, but I do not dare. ''Maybe they are busy, I shouldn't disturb.'' Or, ''If they wanted to talk with me, they'd start talking to me''.

 

Anyway, it really hit me yesternight. I broke down into absolute despair, crying like I have never cried in my life before, for an hour, truly realizing that I want to be part of this community, so badly. But that I feel like I am unable to acomplish it. That either I will keep myself from trying to be a part of the community, or attack myself when I try to be a part of the community. And it was tearing me apart, still is. Because I want it so badly. I connection, real, deep connection, with this community. Because, the people that it is made out of, are so wonderful, so brave, so honest. And I so want to be a part of that. I can feel the tears well up behind my eyes as I am writing this. I want it so much. And the thought of never feeling like I was connected to this oasis of human goodness, going to the grave without having had that, is so grim, is so terrifying.

 

Before, when I have experienced these feelings, heard these thoughts, I have 99% of the time, went into solitude. Tried to find my answers in logic, in books. Numbed the pain with video games, and with embracing the voices telling me that I am broken, that I am forever lost.

 

That strategy, of isolating when feeling isolated, has not worked so far. So that's why, I now reach out, put out my emotional state, my thoughts, and my feelings. Hoping that I can break my loneliness.

 

Something that has crossed my mind, is that ''Maybe I don't know how to connect with people? Maybe I don't speak that language. That I can only connect if others engage me first, that I just know how to be passive and reactionary?'' I don't know whether this is true or not.

 

The title just came to me. Yesternight, in my despair, something came to me: Maybe, I am having a Simon the boxer experience, but instead of boxing, I am isolating myself from others?

 

It makes some sense to me. For 10 years of my life, from the age 6 to 16, I was bullied, both verbally and physically, but mostly verbally. From age 10, I started to actively avoid people. I worked hard to make as little noise as possible, to avoid being noticed by bullies. And home was my sanctuary, where I was free from school-bullies, free to numb the pain with hours upon hours of video games. But no connection. My mom was, and still is, a selfish, cruel, sadistic, evil women, who'd make fun of me, make fun of my preferences, and yell at me. And my father, he acted as if I didn't exist. Unless he felt like I needed to be put to work, because he thought In was lazy. I have known, for all of my existence, there has been only one thing that has been a constant for my father: That he has always, always been a disapointment to him. That I have always failed him. it's always been there, in the background, in his eyes and in his voice.

 

I noticed that I didn't describe my feelings for my father as I did with my mother. Or, rather, the truth about who he is. I don't know why. Maybe I am still chained to him emotionally in some way, because the words don't seem to come as easy to me when I am writing about him.

 

I am sorry if this post is confusing. I am, myself, feeling all over the place while I am writing this.

 

If you have made it this far, thank you. Really. It's a lot of text. I hope that this can set me on the path of understanding this part of my being. If you feel that I have missed an obvious important point/connection/contradiction, whatever it might be, please, feel free to be as honest with me as you possibly can.

 

This is me, breaking my emotional isolation.

 

[crops]

I dont have any insights into your situation but I want say that I consider my situation similar and have also thought isolation is my boxing. Ive regarded this community the same as I first did with therapy , that they can see me in my false totality in ways I cant even see my self and theres no way of hiding ha , ive felt like I have nothing to offer , cant connect with anything genuine of my own or not exerienced enough to comment on other peoples threads . But I feel like ive made some break throughs in the past few days and connected with others parts of myself and now feel like ive got genuine experience and substance with which to communicate with and intend on doin so. Which feels good , ive been backed into a corner for a long time now , part of neither worlds.

[Jot]

You just did the first step, you'll notice that you will feel more strongly about the comments you receive in this thread than reading any other responses on any other threads and this is due to feeling that people take an active interest in your problems, I think in the past (at school most likely) you wouldn't engage much in conversations with others because you felt that no one is interested in you, that you have to do something other than letting free your true self. I think you never really had any quality person in your life so you find it very difficult to open up and talk about your feelings and when you see people on the board interacting you feel foreign, dissociated. But as Stef put it "there's a crack in the wall" and I think you have the power to break your own cage, how do you do this? Continue to do what you just started, talk about your feelings in the present tense.  

[Yeravos]

I dont have any insights into your situation but I want say that I consider my situation similar and have also thought isolation is my boxing. Ive regarded this community the same as I first did with therapy , that they can see me in my false totality in ways I cant even see my self and theres no way of hiding ha , ive felt like I have nothing to offer , cant connect with anything genuine of my own or not exerienced enough to comment on other peoples threads . But I feel like ive made some break throughs in the past few days and connected with others parts of myself and now feel like ive got genuine experience and substance with which to communicate with and intend on doin so. Which feels good , ive been backed into a corner for a long time now , part of neither worlds.

 

Thank you for sharing Chiken Foot. Yes, we see to share a very similar problem. I also struggle with that, wanting to contribute to other  posts, but blanking out, getting nothing. It's really annoying, when one has benefitted so much from the forums, and you want to give something back, you find it so hard to do.

 

I am glad to hear you are making breakthroughs in regards to your problem. What kind of breakthroughs have you had?

You just did the first step, you'll notice that you will feel more strongly about the comments you receive in this thread than reading any other responses on any other threads and this is due to feeling that people take an active interest in your problems, I think in the past (at school most likely) you wouldn't engage much in conversations with others because you felt that no one is interested in you, that you have to do something other than letting free your true self. I think you never really had any quality person in your life so you find it very difficult to open up and talk about your feelings and when you see people on the board interacting you feel foreign, dissociated. But as Stef put it "there's a crack in the wall" and I think you have the power to break your own cage, how do you do this? Continue to do what you just started, talk about your feelings in the present tense.  

 

Thank you for your encouragement Ferssitar! Yes, the part about feeling dissociated makes sense to me, kind of like being exposed to a foreign language.

 

I am sure I can break free, like you said, I just have to keep talking honestly from my experience in the present with people. I have to speak the language to the best of my capabilities, and in time, I'll learn it. I have to reach out, to break my cycle of isolation.

[MMX2010]

For one, I find it hard to empathize with people. Like, sometimes, if I hear of something terrible someone has been through, I feel next to nothing. And I understand that others DO feel something in response to hearing the same thing I am hearing (happens a lot when Stef is talking with callers). And I hear a voice say ''You are a broken human being! Disgusting.'' Based on that, I deduct that I will have a harder time connecting with people, because I cannot fully sympathize with them.

 

 

This describes me, as well. 

 

However, I am still living with my parents (both of whom I disrespect), so I figure this lack-of-empathy will end when I move out (in a month) and begin seeking therapy. 

 

Did you hear the most recent call in show (Wed JUN 11th "You Can't Fix Stupid"), regarding IQ?  Is your IQ sufficiently high that you could relate to the first caller, who was constantly trying to manage the emotions of dumb people?  I was struck by how much he was trying to manage the emotions of dumb people and, unknowingly, short-changing himself and his importance. 

[crops]

Thank you for sharing Chiken Foot. Yes, we see to share a very similar problem. I also struggle with that, wanting to contribute to other  posts, but blanking out, getting nothing. It's really annoying, when one has benefitted so much from the forums, and you want to give something back, you find it so hard to do.

 

I am glad to hear you are making breakthroughs in regards to your problem. What kind of breakthroughs have you had?

i think ive had a mecosystem breakthrough. For about year now ive cut bad relationship and bad freinds out and my situation has turned into alot of isolation and self medicating 'those who lack intimacy seek stimulus' . My internal world had become intelectual , Dry and theorectical. then a few days ago at work i just felt an emotional light come on , something switched on , then a day later further developments. i was thinking about my self medicating habbits and about getting rid of what i had , and i wasnt sure if it was mild psychosis from the weed and lack of sleep but i just let it happen ha , i had an opposing voice to my then current state , another voice with 'a seat at the table' and listening to it and knowing its there , when i think about it makes me feel happy, lighter and like back up has arrived ha. ive since realised its an old part of my self that knew the importance of being on top of my shit , and understood that the wellspring of creativity and life isnt alterd mental states but the art of being present. i got rid of my substances and got home and was focusing on being present in everything i did , making up yoga moves , drumming and meditating etc. its been 4 days since and when im in mental fog and feeling down i think about that other with 'a seat at the table' and i still get lighter and invigorated , so im convinced its a mecosystem thing. i also think i identified another presence aswell but this is something ill talk about else where .

 

the art of presence

[Yeravos]

This describes me, as well. 

 

However, I am still living with my parents (both of whom I disrespect), so I figure this lack-of-empathy will end when I move out (in a month) and begin seeking therapy. 

 

Did you hear the most recent call in show (Wed JUN 11th "You Can't Fix Stupid"), regarding IQ?  Is your IQ sufficiently high that you could relate to the first caller, who was constantly trying to manage the emotions of dumb people?  I was struck by how much he was trying to manage the emotions of dumb people and, unknowingly, short-changing himself and his importance. 

 

Thanks for chiming in MMX2010.

Yeah, getting away from unwanted relationships makes self-knowledge a whole of a lot easier in my opinion. Everything becomes more clear. Glad to hear that you'll be getting away from that

 

And yeah, I could actually relate to that. Done some of that myself I believe. Trying to wean myself off that.

 

 

i think ive had a mecosystem breakthrough. For about year now ive cut bad relationship and bad freinds out and my situation has turned into alot of isolation and self medicating 'those who lack intimacy seek stimulus' . My internal world had become intelectual , Dry and theorectical. then a few days ago at work i just felt an emotional light come on , something switched on , then a day later further developments. i was thinking about my self medicating habbits and about getting rid of what i had , and i wasnt sure if it was mild psychosis from the weed and lack of sleep but i just let it happen ha , i had an opposing voice to my then current state , another voice with 'a seat at the table' and listening to it and knowing its there , when i think about it makes me feel happy, lighter and like back up has arrived ha. ive since realised its an old part of my self that knew the importance of being on top of my shit , and understood that the wellspring of creativity and life isnt alterd mental states but the art of being present. i got rid of my substances and got home and was focusing on being present in everything i did , making up yoga moves , drumming and meditating etc. its been 4 days since and when im in mental fog and feeling down i think about that other with 'a seat at the table' and i still get lighter and invigorated , so im convinced its a mecosystem thing. i also think i identified another presence aswell but this is something ill talk about else where .

 

the art of presence

 

Thank you for sharing Chiken Foot. Great to hear that you are making progress, and getting those ever so sweet ''Aha!'' moments! I find a lot of similarities with my own progress in self-knowledge, as you are describing here. And the ''being in the moment'' part is something I have started to work on aswell, instead of fearing what lies ahead, robbing me of the happiness I have. It's difficult, but it's progress. Like you mention, to let that lighter part of myself have a say in matters in my own mecosystem.

[darknova]

It makes some sense to me. For 10 years of my life, from the age 6 to 16, I was bullied, both verbally and physically, but mostly verbally. From age 10, I started to actively avoid people. I worked hard to make as little noise as possible, to avoid being noticed by bullies. And home was my sanctuary, where I was free from school-bullies, free to numb the pain with hours upon hours of video games. But no connection. My mom was, and still is, a selfish, cruel, sadistic, evil women, who'd make fun of me, make fun of my preferences, and yell at me. And my father, he acted as if I didn't exist. Unless he felt like I needed to be put to work, because he thought In was lazy. I have known, for all of my existence, there has been only one thing that has been a constant for my father: That he has always, always been a disapointment to him. That I have always failed him. it's always been there, in the background, in his eyes and in his voice.

 

What a horrible way to grow up. Bullied at school. Made fun of at home. No wonder you took refuge in endless gaming. No child should have to deal with that kind of constant abuse. I'm really sorry you were treated so horribly for so long. You deserve way better.

 

It really takes a lot of courage to open up like you did in this post.

[Yeravos]

What a horrible way to grow up. Bullied at school. Made fun of at home. No wonder you took refuge in endless gaming. No child should have to deal with that kind of constant abuse. I'm really sorry you were treated so horribly for so long. You deserve way better.

 

It really takes a lot of courage to open up like you did in this post.

 

Thank you for your sympathy darknova. I appriciate it. Yes, it was difficult to get this out. I think I have been avoiding it for some time now.

[crops]

We linger outside this community like fight club initiates waiting outside tyler durdens house haa