Drinking alcohol in front of kids

[Microwave]

Quick background: I have a two year old daughter, and I like to enjoy one or two beers towards the end of my day (not every day, but maybe a few times a week). I've never gotten drunk in front of her, and I don't ever intend to. I expect as she gets older she'll become curious what it is that I'm drinking, and probably want to try it.

 

My opinion is that it's probably best to not drink at all, but if you are going to, then to model what drinking in moderation looks like. I'd say there are two sides to the spectrum and each end could be a problem; it'd be harmful to shelter your child from alcohol (not drinking is fine, but not teaching them what alcohol is could become a problem for them later in life), and the other end of the spectrum would be getting drunk or drinking in general, but becoming abusive from the alcohol.

 

This is a pretty broad topic, and I think there are probably a lot of right ways to go about it. I'm curious what your thoughts and opinions are. Below are a few sub-questions I thought of that are related to the topic. Feel free to respond however you'd like, I'd appreciate any feedback you might have. Thanks!

 

 

- Is drinking in front of your child harmful behavior, or does it only become harmful if you make it that way (e.g. binge drinking, becoming abusive, losing control, getting drunk, etc.)

- At what age would you let your child taste/try alcohol? Would it just depend on when you think they're mature enough?

- Since alcohol is more harmful than marijuana, and if it's acceptable behavior to drink in front of children, would it then be more acceptable to smoke marijuana in front of them (assuming they're not exposed to the 2nd hand smoke)?

 

[MysterionMuffles]

Well forget your daughter for a moment, why do you feel you have to drink so often to begin with?

[Microwave]

I don't feel I have to drink at all, and I'm aware that it's not healthy. It's something I enjoy doing occasionally in moderation. Like watching TV, eating junk food, etc.

[Liberty Bill]

I believe that one should act consistently on their principles, even and especially in front of their children.  If you are ashamed of drinking, then you should stop, period.  If you are not ashamed of drinking (or smoking, or whatever) and consider it to be an acceptable vice that brings you greater pleasure than the costs, then you should not be afraid to do it in front of your children.  This openness allows you to explain your reasoning and your choices, and provides a stronger parental example then "sneaking around" doing something "bad".  What will they think if they catch you?  What can you say?  By so doing you are demonstrating that it's okay to have a disconnect between your principles and actions.

[QueechoFeecho]

Not every imbibement (I made that word up, but the flexibility of language and the use of cognates will make it effective I hope) indicates a psychological motivation.  Some things just taste good, smell good, or feel good.  Similar to a meatball hoagie.  It tastes good and looks great.  So when I eat one, it doesn't necessarily mean I am masking a desire to shrink away from the world.  It just tastes good.  Same can apply to beer, wine, cocktails, and many other inebriants. 

 

More examples: Massage feels good.  Yoga feels good.  Sex is confusing and gross.  Haha.  Exercise feels good.  BBQ tastes good.  Bacon smells good.  Music sounds good.

 

Full disclosure: The sex thing is a joke.

[kerou]

From my personal experience, kids I knew growing up who had parents that consistently drank ended up as heavy drinkers/partiers. My parents didn't drink and I never saw them drinking. So when I turned 21, drinking wasn't something that I was looking forward too--I honestly had no opinion or desire on the subject. Now days I drink socially, but I have yet to finish a whole glass of alcohol in one setting, it just doesn't appeal to me. But I know people who have had drinking behavior modeled to them by their parents, so whenever they feel down they just drink heavily instead of finding out where the feelings are coming from.

 

I think overall, it's not good behavior to show around your kids. Perhaps moderation would work depending on the frequency. I don't think moderately drinking everynight is very good, but a moderate drinking once a month or at social events isn't a bad model.

[LanceD]

As a parent a significant majority of the teaching you do is simply through you modeling a behavior and the child subconsciously copying it.

 

So ask yourself, if I saw my child doing what I'm doing how would I feel?

 

Obviously alcohol applies a bit differently here then swearing or some of the other behaviors parents tend to approve of adults doing but not kids but imagine your child grown to adulthood.

 

Would you feel something was wrong if your 19 year old, I picked that age because it's passed adulthood ignore legal implications for this example, copied your drinking habits?

 

Personally I don't have any off limits things or topics, just certain extreme examples of things like sex or violence that I attempt to censor and slowly back down from as he ages. So at 8 there are no exciting off limits topics, he knows the mechanics of how babies are made, what alcohol is etc. He even wanted to taste a beer once and I let him, and he thought it was the most disgusting thing in the world.

 

So I don't think children need to be sheltered from any particular thing. I just think healthy behavior needs to be modeled and exposure to extremes needs to be managed as they age.

 

Also coming from a family full of alcoholics, it's my perception that you have an alcohol dependency.

[QueechoFeecho]

Alcohol dependency means that one drinks in order to a negative feeling that is generated by not drinking.  I don't think the OP mentioned anything like that at all.

[karin]

i belonged to a religion where you didn't drink. So i didn't drink til after 40, which was convenient in that i didn't have to worry whether i could be pregnant each time i drank. I also don't have a need to overdrink be drunk and throw up. I had enough throwing up during my pregnancies to not need that ever again. I also got thru that teen age/ university age where drinking is showing off to your buddies.

 

But i have drinking advice from my older brother who left the church long before i did and has more drinking experience than i do. So i didn't experiment on my own without any advice.

 

I've given my daughter (8) a little taste of alcohol mix- or maybe it was just the maple sweetener. But i don't want her to have to hide her drinking. A sip - usu. a tongue taste and spit out, if it's strong- is all that kids want anyway. What kid likes alcohol? As an adult i had to get used to the taste. I still don't care for beer.

 

Kids see parents drive. That's an adult activity. Kids can see adults partaking of a glass wine, or a few shots for fun without getting upset. It's an adult drink. Which you do responsibly. For fun. Not to drown out feelings. (unless you've got OCD and spent the day getting rid of mouse evidence which on a scale of 1-100 is about 100 and you really need to calm down and you never expect this to happen again because the exterminators have come and they guarantee their work. ) Not continuously. If they ask, i tell them it's an adult drink and just like they get to drive, have babies, go to work etc. at different ages, because that's when your brain can handle it, when you get to be an adult you get to drink if you want.

 

But that's just my opinion.

[hannahbanana]

Here are some thoughts I've had from personal experience...

My parents aren't big drinkers, they might have one beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner a couple times a week (although much less when I was little, they would only have non-alcoholic drinks or only have drinks at parties). Whenever I asked about beer, they were open about it, but made sure to model behavior like having a DD. I don't drink a lot at college, but that just may be due to my aversion to big parties.

 

One thing that I personally notice, and I'm not sure if this is something you need to think about, is that now that I am older my parents are more likely to get tipsy/drunk at parties, and this is a source of discomfort for me since I never saw them act like that growing up. If you ever get tipsy near your child when they are older, they may want to talk about that with you.

 

Smoking marijuana around your kids may be different, because it's not like you can have a couple of hits and not be affected, as compared to alcohol where 1 drink may not do much. I personally wouldn't do it around a child, but I wouldn't keep it a secret. I just think it wouldn't be good to be in an altered state when you have to be responsible for a child.

[Ansedar]

Drinking alcohol at the end of the day feels relaxing, because alcohol acts as a depressive and therefore you fell warmer and cozy.

 

At my home there is usually a lot of people that drinks alcohol, I've noticed that some kids, don't have any interest in the adult's beverage, but if they ask to an adult the simple feedback the children receive is "this is not for kids" or something similar, and change topic... 

When I was kid, it was little different, during parties kids used to steal beer to distracted adults and drink it, imitating they gestures ( it was not in america, I've lived in other countries before).

 

 

I think, if you feel ashamed of telling your children you are consuming drugs, and those are bad, then you're are not giving them a good example of what's good or bad... then maybe if you tell them to not do something because is bad, they will think "well if it's bad I can still do it". Kids are enough smart and remember surprisingly well things they know for the first time, (such as bad words for example,) if you tell them you are doing a bad thing, but you are fine with it, they might learn from you.

 

So my suggestion would be... find something else to relax on... if you still fell to drink beer replace it with a non alcoholic beverage, hot beverages might work such as chamomile tea... soda will not replace alcohol well because contains some caffeine, that gives the reverse effect.

 

Hope I helped. 

[J. D. Stembal]

From my personal experience, kids I knew growing up who had parents that consistently drank ended up as heavy drinkers/partiers. My parents didn't drink and I never saw them drinking. So when I turned 21, drinking wasn't something that I was looking forward too--I honestly had no opinion or desire on the subject. Now days I drink socially, but I have yet to finish a whole glass of alcohol in one setting, it just doesn't appeal to me. But I know people who have had drinking behavior modeled to them by their parents, so whenever they feel down they just drink heavily instead of finding out where the feelings are coming from.

 

I think overall, it's not good behavior to show around your kids. Perhaps moderation would work depending on the frequency. I don't think moderately drinking everynight is very good, but a moderate drinking once a month or at social events isn't a bad model.

 

My parents are life long beer connoisseurs (except they drink cheap, tasteless swill) and had a nearly fully stocked liquor cabinet when I was growing up. They didn't entertain many guests, either. I don't remember them getting tanked but they would sometimes have two or three beers with dinner and end up fighting about something or other before bed.

 

When I see my parents now on visits, they always have a beer in hand and especially with dinner. I'm not sure if this is because they need to be drinking to be around me or if this is what they do on a daily basis. I have recently come out as an ancap to my parents, so perhaps they are medicating their shame and disapproval of me.

 

I started drinking when I was 15, and it was stealing liquor from the cabinet, and mixing noxious concoctions that would end up making me throw up all over the place. This was also the age that I started taking anti-depressants prescribed by a psychologist. Also, I started smoking at 15. At 16, I started smoking pot. My dad and I would fight a lot, probably because he was absent 90% of my early childhood, then when I was a teenager I started seeing a lot more of him because he got laid off at work.

 

I've since quit drinking (also smoking and drugs) and I feel so much better about myself. I was heavily medicating my feelings of pain, anger and sorrow and not dealing with them. This is the danger with parental drinking. Coming home and kicking back means you aren't connecting with your life, your family, or your kids. You are actually ignoring them by doing so.

 

The path toward twenty years of substance abuse is started by emotionally blocking out your family with these seemingly harmless adult relaxation tactics.

[dsayers]

Alcohol is one of those things (including water!) that can be beneficial and relatively harmless in moderation, but indescribably destructive in excess. I don't think drinking alcohol in front of children is abusive IF the child is regularly negotiated with, taught to reason, including deferred gratification and moderation. In that context, it's no different than taking an aspirin or any other behavior that one should not engage in wantonly.

 

As with most behaviors, the key ingredient is self-knowledge. WHY are you engaging in behavior X. If you cannot answer that, you should refrain from that behavior as much as possible until you can. It's the only way you can drink (in this context of this thread) responsibly.