NigelW Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I wanted to share some thoughts I have been having that are very intense and kind of scary as I get closer to moving into my own apartment away from my sister. I would like helpful feedback, if possible as well. Over the last year I've been trying to finish college after having dropped out. When I dropped out I didn't care about anything. I viewed language as a way of manipulating people. I viewed my carreer choice as revolting. Since then I have graduated and gotten a job at a growing company. Before I dropped out, I remember thinking to myself that I am glad that I am failing miserably now so that my absent father, emotionally vacant mother, and my cold grandfather could see where their hopes had gotten them. They had been emotionally invested in seeing me succeed and now was my chance to return the pain. My goal was to make them feel the disappointment I had felt when I was a child. (I think) "Everythings not alright, damnit!" Throughout my childhood my absent father had promised that everything would get better. Things got worse and I assumed a parental role for the close family. My mother viewed me as the responsible one and my father was missing in action. I felt this masochistic urge to destroy hope for people who believed in me. I'm actually smirking at the thought. I do have a fear of disappointing people which is an absolutely scary contrast from the above paragraph. I am 30 mins early for work everyday and leave when other people do. When I am meeting someone for coffee I come atleast 30-45 mins early. I am continuing to isolate myself, but I am moving out next month. So excited to be away from my sister... Why I think this is a problem is that I want to be able to commit to something. If I can't commit to a goal, how can I accomplish anything? I am afraid of screwing everything up. How do I find my way out of this? Thank you for taking the time to read my post!
Devon Gibbons Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Your family sounds non-existent and not invested in you much at all. What are you doing that is isolating? And what goal do you want to commit to? Finishing college, finding a job, and moving out are goals that you surely had to commit to. What is the issue you're in?
NigelW Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 If I end up even remotely successful then how my parents treated me is justified in their eyes. I can’t escape it. “Maybe I wasn’t such a shitty parent after all.” By not committing to anything I think I am isolating myself. I am not committing to developing skills in something that I actually want to do. A job pays the bills but I don’t really want to do what I am doing for the rest of my life and I don’t know how to tell if the thing is actually what I want to do. I want to learn how to commit to something and stay with it. I’ve so often failed to remain consistent after making a commitment. I feel like if I heard my parents tell me how proud they are of me that I would have a very violent and visceral reaction. So the issue from my perspective is that no matter what I do it justifies my parents efforts. No matter what I do, they are going to say that they were right in what they did and that I am a product of their parenting. And I believe them. How can I not? Is it true?
Devon Gibbons Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 What types of things would your parents, sister, or grandfather do or say to really get under your skin? Because I mean, you don't expect explosions of visceral volatility to come out of black snakes. We suffer deformation by the hands of our sculptors, but we aren't meant to be shaped into them. It sounds like it is more true that you are a product of their procreation than their parenting, but what did these people do for you?
NigelW Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 It's hard to pin point. It's a lacking. I feel embarrassed to be bringing this up, but I wanted my parents to see me. I lose emotion after that sentence.
NigelW Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I had an epiphany during the latest conversation between Stef and a listener about having people actually miss you. I remember having a feeling of yearning as a child that my father would come home. I was never able to figure it out. The language that I would have used would have included the phase, "I miss you". I didn't miss him in the way I would miss a friend that I love, not sure if I've ever had one in my life or face to face. The phrase that is coming to mind is that I was "trained" to miss him. It fits nicely with a woman's fading physical beauty, in this case it was my mother's. Once my mother had run out of that she could capitalize on another opportunity. Of course, having children as hostages... I remember writing on a birthday card for my Dad and my mother read what I had written. It said: "Have a great birthday! Stop spending so much time with your buddys drinking" (Something my mother complained about while he was at work, a lot.) My mother scolded me and told me to erase it. I scribbled over the writting and she was so cheap she sent it as is. Did she want my father to keep living the way that he was? I thought that if I served my mother by bringing my father home everything would work out. I would act out and it would work. The problem, to me, was that he chose to spend so much time away and that my mother was OK with it. (Months, I remember a 6 month break). Instead of seeing the issue and dealing with it, it was not even there. What I wanted, my family coming together, was ignored. I feel like this is important and I want to follow this feeling to its conclusion. Hungry for a breakthrough! Cmon!
Devon Gibbons Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 The card You were trained to miss him. Your mom wanted you to censor your relationship with him (and be obvious about it) but keep the good stuff in the letter. That's the kind of thing my mom had done throughout growing up. I've always been terrible about what to write in cards to people because she always was my editor with justification of appropriateness. Nothing was ever "appropriate", so I couldn't really say much of anything. Like Stefan's point in that video, if you are not getting your needs met or understood and your preferences being denied outright, then you are being exploited, you are being used. What did you want your family together for? What would you have gotten? What aren't you getting?
QueechoFeecho Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 You can experience success without having your parents claim it for their own. Don't bring it up with them if you don't want them to take ownership of it. They can't brag to their friends about what they don't know. My upbringing was full of that on my mother's side. I know she loved to yap to her friends at work about her children, and I remember thinking to myself one time when I was a kid "Why is it that you tell them I got all A's on my report card, but then I actually got chastised by you at home because they weren't all A+'s?" That moment made me think I was some kind of ornament or decoration. When I went to college I spoke to her regularly, and when she asked how classes were, I would just say "fine" or "easy" or "I don't really know, I don't go that often". That last one was a little underhanded.
NigelW Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 What did you want your family together for? What would you have gotten? What aren't you getting? Again, free associating so I am not sure if it will make sense. What would I get if my family came together? I would be relieved. Like waking up in a ditch with only the memory of being told to dig and finding out that I was done digging, forever. I can't control them. Even if I did, it would be empty conformity. So to answer the question of what I am not getting? I was not taught how to get my needs met and to meet the needs of other healthy people. They (my parents) are pretending to know English and I am actually learning English. They are not interested in actually learning English, but pretending that they can speak it. They still punish me for grammar mistakes etc, but they never question their own knowledge. You can experience success without having your parents claim it for their own. Don't bring it up with them if you don't want them to take ownership of it. They can't brag to their friends about what they don't know. I think for me it's a cover story, but I could be wrong. Like I said, I was trained to miss my shitty father. I feel like I viewed success as a threat to the hair thread bond between my parents and I. My father was never proud of me and it was usually about him and how shitty or great his life was. Makes me feel sad to think that I only viewed myself as valuable, or that my father did, only when I was focusing on his needs. Attributing fear of ownership for success to my father is a projection! I am afraid of taking ownership of success because it threated the bond between my parents and I. I think that's projection, if I am incorrect could someone correct me?
NigelW Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 ONE MORE WEEK. Sorry to be annoying....but I have no one else that cares about how excited I am to be not living with my sister again.
NigelW Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Hi, I would like to apologize for scaring you off. It seems that my posts scare people off and I am not exactly sure why. It's something I would like to work on. While I was on a walk today I thought about my parents taking ownership for my success and said, "so what"? What if it is true that they are responsible for me becoming who I am. The principle being: Your success justifies my abuse of you. My father would brag about my grades in school, much like yours QueechoFeecho. So I saw my efforts subsidizing bad parenting. One very important memory from my childhood was throwing away my elementary school graduation certificate and I was scolded by my instructor. Is leveraging someone else's success abusive?
QueechoFeecho Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I don't know if that is quite abusive so much as dishonest. That is someone shoring up their own week self-esteem by piggybacking off another's success. I think the key for you is to not let that get in the way of your own success. Succeed for YOU rather than choosing to not succeed to spite them.
NigelW Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Errg, impulsive post. I don't know why I said that. But I am succeeding. I am succeeding in not giving them the chance to say things like "I'm proud of you" and "you turned out fine!" So the avoidance is doing its job... Can you tell me why I would want to succeed for myself? I don't get that emotionally, I feel indifferent.
QueechoFeecho Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 You didn't really waste my time. Who were you asking? The impulse to ask that might be informative. What made you ask that?
NigelW Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Hi, I have linked below a video update I made. I am working to be more vulnerable and I thought that making a video was a step in the right direction. Thanks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ho7Pr8RRCg&list=PLV5IyYB5DgbLdpPSlZ55PLjxU4pKAwUUq
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