My 58 year old Uncle writes about his abuse after his (step)fathers death

[BrianBrian]

This is the letter he shared with me, which he wrote to explain to his family and community why he would not be attending his fathers' funeral. The abuse was never talked about throughout my life unless I asked my Uncle directly. My Uncle was the only family member I had who supported my atheism or talked to me with curiosity and respect. On my dad's side he was the only adult who played with me, on the rare occasions he was home from the river, that is. The things my uncle did to me that were abusive were dominant "games" like squash the bug where I would be trapped against my will. He eventually heeded my protests and stopped, and telling me when I was 16 about the violent intentions he had toward my mother when she ran away with me when I was 6 months old.Here is his letter:

 

"I am sitting here coming across the Mississippi sound with the window open, listening to the water wind and engines, thinking, I can not understand why he hated me so bad when i was young, I can remember no good words from him except for a few years when I was in my forties, none. I recall having three toys I cared for and vividly remember him destroying them, two times for infractions I did not comitt. I also remember beatings that went with the same infractions, he belittled me for being uncoridinated , but never, not once did he compliment my physical power. I worked the horses mad did most of the chores, rairly was it good enough, never one time did he say any thing good about accomplishments, my extra coricular activities where told to me to be a way to get out of work, on Saturdays and Sundays while I worked , as young as 8 or 9, he was very seldome with me, he went to  auctions and coffee shops, usually came home and bitched, belittled or beat me for not getting enough done, until mom would pick a fight with him to distract him from me, I am sure the tasks I did not get done to suite him had little to do with his anger I am sure of this now, I don't think I have ever wanted to be sure, I am though. This all continued till Bampy started coming to get me in 1969 and taking me to ____ , I was not allowed to leave till barn was cleaned and hog feeders filled, I was always greeted with belittlement and or a beating, until I finally beat him in May of 1971 I was 14, mom asked me not to kill him, I was taken to Ma and Bampies to live that night, the last time he tried me was at my house in Tennessee , he got mad because my celler had flooded, I had just worked a double shift at ______, I came out of cellar, it was cold, he had been ranting, and jumped me as I came out with a pipe wrench, ______ watched and the nieghbor ______ asked me not to kill him. I joined the navy within a week.he never tried me physically again. Never quit belittling either      As the years went by I became what I am but I never credited or blamed him, mom and _____ made mistakes    Tonight I do feel sorrow for him, he was rairly happy for very long, he was not good at his job, he complained lots stood around waiting to be told what to do, I did a good portion of his homework on his apprentice homework, I was in 7 or 8th grade, got beat for taking to long once. His mother loved me, I do know that, my aunt did to, he did not, I did love him though, I can not honor him"I cry when I read this.  To read the feelings and confusion and justifications of a child typed through an old man's fingers, a giant six foot 3 inches tall 300 pound man's fingers, it's so raw and devastating and it will likely never be processed properly. His stepfather was only 5 foot 3 inches, probably weighing not more than 135 pounds. 

[TheMatrixHasMe]

That is a really painful letter to read. I think it is honorable that he wrote the letter, and did not attend the funeral. That he is not writing from a prison cell for murdering his abuser is nothing more than miraculous. 

 

With all due respect to the letter, and your uncle's ability to have survived, why did your mother runaway with you when you were an infant?

[BrianBrian]

Both my dad and my uncle were physically abusive to romantic women in their lives. My Uncle and father never physically abused children, but they did have fits of rage around children which is of course very traumatic. I never saw my Uncle have one of these fits but I did witness my dad have several over the course of my summer visitations. When I was 8 years old I was once picked upside down and dropped on my head by a 14 year old at at a playground in an apartment complex and my dad picked the kid up and held him against a wall screaming at him, but he never hit him. My Uncle did not tolerate child abusers and was known for being violent or persuasive toward child abusers, compelling them to stop, but he would not draw the line with the women in his life.My mom knew my dad was violent prior to marrying him when she was 21/22, they had gone to high school together from the age of 14 and dated from 16/17 on, with breakups in between due to the violence. Her parents did not dissuade her from marrying him and did not support her during the abuse. My mom finally left when my dad started throwing things when I was 6 months old in fear that something would hit me, so though he never hit a child directly he did put children in direct danger.*Also, I have been told that my Uncle has been verbally wretched to his sons once they were teenagers and up.

[TheMatrixHasMe]

Man, that is some difficult stuff to go through. You're lucky to have survived the attack from the 14 year old. Wasn't there anyone around to keep an eye on you at the playground? 

 

It's tragic that your uncle, who had suffered abuse, was telling you that he wanted to bring harm to your mother for protecting your well being at 6 months old.

 

Where did your mother take you? Did she go back to your father? 

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

When I was 8 years old I was once picked upside down and dropped on my head by a 14 year old at at a playground in an apartment complex and my dad picked the kid up and held him against a wall screaming at him, but he never hit him.

 

Not to derail the topic here, but I want to bring up the question: what is the most appropriate and most effective way of dealing with a situation like this? If a 14 year old dropped my 8 year old son on his head, I have a very hard time imagining having a different reaction from your father.

[BrianBrian]

 

It's tragic that your uncle, who had suffered abuse, was telling you that he wanted to bring harm to your mother for protecting your well being at 6 months old.

That's a great point. The information about me being in harms way is fairly new to me and I had not made that connection. It was also more than harm, he said he planned to kill her but my dad said no. And no there wasn't anyone around the playground, my dad was neglecting me and spending time with his girlfriend up in her apartmentShe took me to a YMCA a couple states away. She eventually moved to the town where her parents lived, and at some point my dad, through court order, drove to get me and took me away when I was 9-18 months old for a one or two day visitation, but I cried the whole 8 hour drive to his house, all night, and then the whole 8 hour drive back to my mom.

Not to derail the topic here, but I want to bring up the question: what is the most appropriate and most effective way of dealing with a situation like this? If a 14 year old dropped my 8 year old son on his head, I have a very hard time imagining having a different reaction from your father.

 

I didn't assign any measure of appropriateness to this, it is just evidence that he showed relative restraint with a child in a volatile circumstance, supporting that he contained his violence toward romantic partners or peers.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

I didn't assign any measure of appropriateness to this, it is just evidence that he showed relative restraint with a child in a volatile circumstance, supporting that he contained his violence toward romantic partners.

Oof, right, sorry, I totally understand and didn't mean to question that. While not wanting to derail your topic, I wanted to bring up a completely different question based off this scenario that you experienced, which is, what would be the proper action of a father who witnessed this done to his son (assuming it didn't happen from negligence)?

 

Is the simple answer that the father should have never brought the child to a place where something so dangerous could have happened at all? Hm...

[J-William]

 

I didn't assign any measure of appropriateness to this, it is just evidence that he showed relative restraint with a child in a volatile circumstance, supporting that he contained his violence toward romantic partners or peers.

 

I'm curious how you ended up in a situation where a homicidal 14 year old was attacking you?

 

 

I cry when I read this.  To read the feelings and confusion and justifications of a child typed through an old man's fingers, a giant six foot 3 inches tall 300 pound man's fingers, it's so raw and devastating and it will likely never be processed properly. His stepfather was only 5 foot 3 inches, probably weighing not more than 135 pounds. 

 

Wow... that letter is intense. it's also... almost incomprehensible to me. I mean at 14 he must have been at least 6 foot or very nearly... You'd think even as dumb as the stepfather was he would have been able to process that a 5 foot man picking a fight with a 6 foot teenager is not going to end well. It's a wonder your uncle didn't kill him, especially by the time he was old enough to join the navy. I mean the amount of hate he must have felt plus the difference in physical size and strength. When he says they "asked" him not to kill the man he must mean they threw themselves between them so he wouldn't kill him.

 

I think this relates to the recent show where Stef said that he does feel something for his mother, and that's why she's "not fucking dead!" Maybe that's the love he mentions at the end of the letter.