Not looking at people when talking

[Marco2014]

Hey guys!

 

I personally find it disturbing when I sometimes talk to certain individuals and their eyes seem to wander at the TV or something else. Would any of you find that rude or disturbing? I always look at people when I talk to them and if the side of my head is facing someone who is talking to me I always feel compelled to turn my head and look the person straight in the eyes. I can safely say that over 90% of the time I always keep eye contacting when having a conversation with someone. The other 10% is when I'm staring toward their face rather then making direct eye contact. 

 

I would greatly appreciate your input on this!

 

Marco

[jpahmad]

Yes, that is rude to say the least. 

[Horseradish]

I find this topic interesting, I have some thoughts and observations, I don't know what the right answer is.

 

I do find it distracting when you are talking to someone and they are looking elsewhere, and I also try not to look elsewhere myself, and when I sometimes do, I feel that I have been rude.

 

I usually like eye contact while talking, but I heard somewhere that it's good to give the other person a chance to took at you, so I sometimes look away for a few seconds, not at something but off into the distance. I think this seems to make people more comfortable, but I'm not really sure.

[Brentb]

I wouldn't be offended by people not maintaining eye contact. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're not listening to you. When someone is telling me something important, my eyes usually dart to the floor so that my eyes don't distract me from hearing what the person is saying. Consequently, I often only make eye contact intermittently in a conversation.

 

However, if someone is looking at a tv or another person then they're not giving you their full attention.

[thelizardking52]

If the person was doing something that takes concentration before you initiate the conversation then I'd say no big deal as long as they can follow the conversation.  On the other hand if they are looking the other way at things they weren't concerned with until you brought up a certain subject it may be a sign of disinterest, or possibly a topic they'd rather avoid. Some people are just jerks though and lack manners. 

[labmath2]

I think eye contact is a cultural thing that differs depending on where you go.

[MysterionMuffles]

Yeah it's pretty rude. I usually pause mid-sentence to see if they can give me the attention I'm implicitly asking for. If not, then I know not to try. I take it very personally when people are looking away, especially constantly to the same spot. Sometimes it's a clock, their phone's clock or just somewhere else in the room where they have chosen to throw their attention to.

 

I mean I don't mind people looking away momentarily because we can't always have too much intense eye contact but I know what you mean. When you can sense people really not listening. When it comes to my siblings, who I'm more comfortable with saying this to, I stop mid-sentence and say, "nevermind, looks like you wanna be on your phone." They usually put it away and give me undivided attention. With other people, it's just...meh. 

 

I swing the spotlight around and try to talk to them about them, especially if I've spent ample time talking. I'll give them my undivided attention to see if they can reciprocate when the spotlight swings back onto me. If they don't listen as attentively as I have, I just find a way to end the interaction. I can't stand for that shit.

[Wesley]

For people who have not been raised empathetically and in aggressive environments, eye contact often is considered a challenge or a threat by their abusers. The avoidance of eye contact almost certainly is a symptom of prior abuse or neglect (no experience of relationships with true connection by which to practice things like eye contact).

 

Thus, I would consider it something to work on in order to make true connection, but rather to have some empathy for the possible history that created someone who is not used to eye contact or specifically uncomfortable with eye contact.

 

I occasionally catch my eyes wandering and I have to focus specifically on eye contact for longer conversations.

[Cosmin]

For people who have not been raised empathetically and in aggressive environments, eye contact often is considered a challenge or a threat by their abusers. The avoidance of eye contact almost certainly is a symptom of prior abuse or neglect (no experience of relationships with true connection by which to practice things like eye contact).

 

Thus, I would consider it something to work on in order to make true connection, but rather to have some empathy for the possible history that created someone who is not used to eye contact or specifically uncomfortable with eye contact.

 

I occasionally catch my eyes wandering and I have to focus specifically on eye contact for longer conversations.

 

Definitely. People who are shy / have low self-esteem have trouble keeping eye contact.

[PatrickC]

Yes, I'm with Brentb on this. People who are obviously distracted by some other activity whilst one is mid flow is clearly annoying. But I'm not sure I would want to direct 90% of my conversation gazing into the other persons eyes. There are people I've known that do this and can often come over as rather intense and weird. Somewhat akin to the 'over' firm (almost painful) handshake.

 

However, I would agree that the obvious avoidance of eye contact is quite telling about a persons low self esteem.

[Wesley]

Definitely. People who are shy / have low self-esteem have trouble keeping eye contact.

What I was saying wasn't exactly about shyness or low self esteem. I think my self esteem is fine (though I think the concept of self esteem is somewhat bull..., but thats another argument) and I think I have a normal amount of shyness to openness, depending on how well I know someone. It is more a symptom of my history in which eye contact could lead to attack or perceived threat from the people around me and a lack of interpersonal connection with people growing up in order to practice empathy and connection.

 

I want to meet people and like hanging out with them and generally would not consider myself shy or of low self-esteem. I would consider myself poorly trained through abuse and having a lack of experience through neglect and both of those are things that I worked/am working to process.

 

My point is to not make judgement about the individual who is lacking eye contact as calling them shy, rude, or lacking in self esteem, but rather to recognize the possible history that would lead to that behavior. In the same way that Stef has talked in recent shows that you would not call someone who was in a concentration camp as a kid a bad person or use other negative descriptive words because they got uncomfortable when talking with very German looking or sounding people, I would not use these negative terms to describe someone who lacks eye contact because they were likely in a sort of concentration camp as a kid in order to have learned that behavior.

 

It may be something they need to work on, or maybe even something they cannot fully recover from, but they are not (necessarily) rude, shy, or lacking in self esteem because they do not hold eye contact.

[Horseradish]

What I was saying wasn't exactly about shyness or low self esteem. I think my self esteem is fine (though I think the concept of self esteem is somewhat bull..., but thats another argument) and I think I have a normal amount of shyness to openness, depending on how well I know someone. It is more a symptom of my history in which eye contact could lead to attack or perceived threat from the people around me and a lack of interpersonal connection with people growing up in order to practice empathy and connection.

 

I want to meet people and like hanging out with them and generally would not consider myself shy or of low self-esteem. I would consider myself poorly trained through abuse and having a lack of experience through neglect and both of those are things that I worked/am working to process.

 

My point is to not make judgement about the individual who is lacking eye contact as calling them shy, rude, or lacking in self esteem, but rather to recognize the possible history that would lead to that behavior. In the same way that Stef has talked in recent shows that you would not call someone who was in a concentration camp as a kid a bad person or use other negative descriptive words because they got uncomfortable when talking with very German looking or sounding people, I would not use these negative terms to describe someone who lacks eye contact because they were likely in a sort of concentration camp as a kid in order to have learned that behavior.

 

It may be something they need to work on, or maybe even something they cannot fully recover from, but they are not (necessarily) rude, shy, or lacking in self esteem because they do not hold eye contact.

I agree with this, and I want to clarify that when I am talking to someone, I find it distracting when they are looking at something else. If they are just averting their eyes but I feel that they are listening or engaged in what they're saying, just uncomfortable with eye contact, I don't find that rude, but I wonder why they feel uncomfortable with eye contact.

[philschneider]

I would agree with most of the answers here, but I would like to add a culture based answer.  I have a friend who's parents immigrated from Mexico and he told in their culture it is rude and a sign of aggression to make eye contact with an elder or someone who is dominant to you.  Other cultures may also be like this, but I am not sure which ones.  If you are talking to someone who has a different cultural back ground then your own they may be avoiding eye contact because of old traditions on manners.

[n25an]

I work as a copier repair technician.  I find that people want to engage in conversation at the most awkward of times.  Like when I am trying to work on the copier.  I find that if I maintain eye contact they won't let me work or worse yet.  Blame me for taking longer.  I typically keep working at the problem while they are talking to me to show them to leave me alone and let me work.  I don't need to display dominance just fix and get the hell out...

[spunts144]

There are people I've known that do this and can often come over as rather intense and weird. 

I understand your sentiments, as I've encountered a similar reaction or worse. I've even been ridiculed and shamed for it. Worse, yet, I've been accused of flirting and called a creep. Over time, I've learned to ignore feelings of anxiety and see the person in front of me as my equal. 

Talking to people is a skill I've been having trouble with, as well. I've been thinking about when eye contact is appropriate and the answer is always. As I've come to understand, it's important to maintain eye contact at all time with everyone who's speaking. They're talking, I'm listening. It's weird but I know it's perfectly normal. Why? Well, the reasons are simple. Maintaining eye contact helps me to maintain the connection with the person I'm talking to. Even if the person isn't talking directly to me, I mind my manners and give them my full attention. I have encountered a few problems along the way, like talking to somebody on the phone, or when they're on their 'computer'.

 

I work as a copier repair technician.  I find that people want to engage in conversation at the most awkward of times.  Like when I am trying to work on the copier.  I find that if I maintain eye contact they won't let me work or worse yet.  Blame me for taking longer.  I typically keep working at the problem while they are talking to me to show them to leave me alone and let me work.  I don't need to display dominance just fix and get the hell out...

How to maintain a connection beyond the casual conversation is another dilemma all together. Wiggling out of a conversation you don't want to have or can't have at the moment is difficult, because not everyone is so empathetic or doesn't care that you're busy. I find it best to give them my attention for the moment and politely excuse myself, offering up some particular time to chat, respectfully. I guess you could say it's part of the package whenever you meet someone more than once.

 

If you're like me,  you forget faces and names pretty often, and it can be pretty embarrassing. I think a lot of people are deeper and even if you don't feel you can appreciate the conversation, they will. 

Not to mention the disappointment in the other persons face when your focus is out to lunch. So I wonder, why is it so uncommon, and why I hadn't learned the importance of looking someone in the eyes as a kid. Truth be told, it's an effect of an abusive childhood. I was disappointed. You learn not to look the superior or elder in the eyes. Come to think of it, it's common to ignore the teacher in class. Everyone in a classroom always has their head down. 

 

Another thing I noticed in the last semester I took, I'd always look the prof. in the eyes and I always found it bothered him or made him awkward towards me. Eventually, it was evident that he'd decided I was weird. It was like he was avoiding my attention, like he preferred to gaze out over his pupils.

 

Those are the conclusions I've come to, based on my observations. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive.