Blackgenma Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Hi everyone. A short introduction so we understand the context of my situation. I have a Cousin who I have a relatively close relationship to. I don't speak to him that often, but when we do talk, we talk about relatively deep subjects regarding philosophy, our upbringing and how it affects our development and similar topics. He studying for his masters degree in Social work, so he's come across various studies on child abuse and spanking, so he has some knowledge of the subject. He will become a father this coming august, and has expressed to me that he believes , despite the evidence he has come across, that spanking his son as a disciplinary action will be appropriate. He attempts to justify it in two ways. that he will not use an object to assist in spanking, as studies have shown that increases the risk of trauma to the child. His second point is that he believes that "you cannot have respect without fear." I know there are plenty of arguments against spanking that Stefan makes, backed up with research papers and the like. I was interested in hearing thoughts on the Idea of fear and respect, since that is a less discussed topics on his shows. his recent video " how to accept criticism" mentions towards the end that fear an respects are opposites. I want to explore positions on this concept so that I can help influence my cousin's opinion on the matter and dissuade him from spanking his child. I'm aware that he is ultimately the only one who can change his mind, but I figured that its worth a shot. any help on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
Wiltin Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I find the statement "you cannot have respect without fear" immediately nonsensical. Have you asked him if he respects you? If he respects you then for his statement to be true he must also fear you. Do you have to physically assault him regularly in order to maintain his respect? This can be carried over to any personal relationship; his wife, his siblings, or his friends. It can also be applied to casual acquaintances; Does your show of respect to your waiter in a restaurant mean that you fear waiters because you have been assaulted by one in the past?
Wuzzums Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 "Fear" and "respect" are two different concepts with two different definitions. Saying something like "you cannot have respect without fear" is akin to saying "you cannot have forests because the inner-city speed limit is 30 mph". Such phrases do not warrant any credence, and I would argue they betray a hidden agenda.
Wesley Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 re·spect riˈspekt/ noun noun: respect 1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. fear fi(ə)r/ noun noun: fear; plural noun: fears 1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Alin Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Respect comes from one of two things: fear OR admiration. He sounds like a really shitty person, so his only option to get respect will be fear. So in a way, he's right: it's the only way an idiot like him will get respect. There's nothing to admire in abusive, child-beating retards. No respect for them.
Tyler Durden Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 He's confusing respect with obedience. What he's meaning to say is: "you cannot have obedience without fear". This shows two fundamental errors in his way of thinking. The first one is that he beliefs that children should be obedient. That there is a hierarchy in the family and that his opinion and preferences are superior simply because he is the parent. The second one is that he only knows how fear can lead to obedience, but doesn't know how love can lead to cooperation, which is way more valuable. My guess is that he's had a pretty terrible childhood. The fact that he mentions that he's not going to hit his child with objects because of scientific research shows that he's probably been hit with objects himself, otherwise he wouldn't even mention it. He probably feels like he's taking a huge step forward by not continuing with the objects. So my advice would be to focus on his own childhood and ask him about that. How was he punished as a child? How often? I recommend you also do the Stefan thing where you ask him from what age to what age he was hit and how often and then calculate how many times he was hit in total. How did he feel about that? How did it change his perception of his parents? Did he feel closer to them because of this? Since you grew up together you can probably relate and share some stories of your own from that time. Or how you perceived his parents when you were little. If you can get him to connect emotionally to the time when he was at the receiving end of the abuse you're more than halfway there. If you can say something like "looking back on it, I would say that both of our parents made some serious mistakes when we were young, they should never have hit us, but we're not young anymore, now we're the adults, and it's up to us to not repeat their mistakes" and get him to agree with that, and shake on it, then you're all the way there. It might take a few conversations to get to that point, but if you were close when you were growing up it should be doable. Good luck!
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