Jacob M Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 This morning I was outside doing yard work with my two uncles(Ref Names AL & DEL).The Garden work was Just mowing the lawn and cutting down small trees which is something new that I had to get use to I was nervous about doing this because AL likes to snicker or make jokes as I work and this is annoying.It was originally suppose to just be one(AL) but the other one(DEL) wakes up and decides to help us all while complaining about how there isn't enough gas.We understood but still wanted to do as much as we can.If we have to do the rest tomorrow fine but Del keeps going on and on which was already getting on my nerves as well as the other AL commenting under his breath.Mind you both of these guys are Disabled in some way so I expected to have to do a chunk of it but would prefer to do it alone over the course of the week because I do not like doing anything around them while they are watching.During this week I was in a bad mood because I was clueless as to how I'm going to deal with this explosive anger I get to inherit from my family and had violent fantasies about hurting them and then being afraid of it.I couldn't sleep last night because I knew I had to deal with him today and I couldn't refuse.At one point I started to go from annoyance to rage I was trying to cut a branch I couldn't see because it was covered in dirt and my uncle AL said "Are you wearing glasses?" this pisses me off and I tell him "Don't start this shit."I cut it and we start on another branch and It's tough to get through and my other uncle Del makes a comment to change my position and I'm trying to get the blade lose and says something under his breath and I got pissed and exploded.I go inside the house and lock the Doors my Grandfather opens it we continue arguing and in the end it was just about me and my anger not about them and their comments towards me while I'm learning especially since I'll be doing a bulk of the work.I know my angers a problem but no one else here has to change or see me point I grasp at my uncles shirt to make him stop yelling which made things worse and here we are now. I need help with My anger "How do I manage it?"As well as help with talking to My uncle about this.
MMX2010 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I'm sorry that you're going through what you're going through. I'm pretty new to this forum, so please forgive me if my questions seem non-empathetic. How old are you? Why couldn't you refuse to do the work? And why couldn't you say either, "You guys suck at doing the work, so I'll do it all, without your help." or "I'll only help if you don't make any comments about me, nor give me any advice."? Lastly, (and most importantly), why have you concluded, "My anger threatens my life and my future..." rather than "My anger threatens my life and my future with two assholes whom no reasonably empathetic person would ever like..."?
Jacob M Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 I am 23 years old.I couldn't refuse because I've been out of work for a year and he would of brought up how I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything at all.So I gave into what he wanted.As for why I didn't tell them to go away I can do it because they wouldn't of left it to me even if I offered.As to the last one I concluded that because immediately it threatens the lives of my whole family if I stay here any longer.
prolix Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I would suggest reading "Real Time Relationships" right out the gate. It is a free book on this very website. I think it is worth looking into how conflict was dealt with in your household as a child. If I was going to make some guesses I would guess that you were not modeled taking criticism and negotiation as a child. Now, that is not to say that your uncles were directing valid criticisms at you or that they were even attempting to criticize you at all. They may have been simply trying to insult you and provoke self attack. Nowhere in your post did I see you attempt to communicate honestly to your uncles how their comments made you feel. You jump right to escalation by your own account. Now you are aware that you are prone to anger, so, that is a good start. But you are neglecting the opportunity to explore the source and possible resolutions of these situations through open communication. This is obvious when you share that you were dreading the situation knowing what the results would be, your explosive anger. So frustrations with situations are a natural thing; and frustration grows into anger when the frustration is not openly and honestly dealt with. Neglected frustrations and conflicts grow into anger and anger is a natural and vital reaction to such a situation. But if you continue to neglect your frustration turned into anger you will eventually turn your anger into hatred. This is all a natural progression. But if you want to avoid anger and hatred then you need to be able to communicate your conflicts and frustrations before they fester and grow into extreme anger and hatred. Here is the hard thing about learning to take criticism; When someone criticizes your ability to constructively internalize criticism, you reject that criticism; because, you are bad at taking criticism. It is a kind of vicious circle. so thus, I would start with self knowledge and exploration into your childhood to see where you learned this type of behavior. I sincerely hope this is helpful and ardently believe this is something that you can overcome with sufficient self knowledge...
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