padmasambhava Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 This could cover an entire show but I'll try to summarize the best I can... I come from a broken family with 4 siblings. I'm the second to youngest. My two older (bro and sis) are dependent on drugs and have 3 children of their own. My mom, who is now single from her second divorce and lives alone, is the main reason I struggle with my decision and why I believe I am writing.It wasn't until I had my first son (now 5) that I noticed a dark/negative side of my mom. Long story short, I suddenly realized that my mom was class A manipulator and perhaps the sole reason for the perpetuating turmoil in my entire family. Once my perspective changed from child to parent, I started seeing things differently and began to question my mother's judgment as a parent, then as a person, and the epiphany hit me. She had been maniputaling my ideas/thoughts/judgments of others for my entire life. Then I read this book from Jay Carter – Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of ThemThis book was an eye opener for me and helped me realize just how much I had been affected by manipulative people around me. It also forced me to address each relationship I had with my sibblings and mother on an individual basis, instead of just going along with everything just because we were a family.Listening to Stefan's podcasts really opened my eyes too. Thank you, Stefan! They helped me to simplfy the idea of just how easy and how free we really are to make our own decisions and do what is most healthy for ourselves (in my case, my children). Stefan taught me/us that parents can be fired! There is no law or agreement that strictly forbids you from "firing" your parents. Pretty empowering!Without going into all the family drama, all I can say is that nearly 4 years ago, I made the decsision to "opt out" from my family, entirely. I didn't want to choose who was acceptable for my children and who was not. Instead, I just opted out from all of them.My life and my health has improved tremendously since I made this decision. But the question now lies ahead: What do I tell me kids? I don't want to talk bad about my family. I don't want to manipulate my kids by feeding them my opinions. But they are going to ask me the who, what, why, how come? Its something for me to be thinking about.My oldest son is 5 now. He has a close relationship with his grandma/grandpa on my wife's side. He hasn't asked yet about my parents. And I haven't thought about it much (probably because thinking about my family causes me grief)....and I can't think of a better group to ask for advice. In other words, I would much rather be giving someone else this advice For those wondering why I haven't mentioned my father. I have two - both were abusive - zero relationship with either. My mom left my real father when my oldest Bro was 10, sister 5, me 1. The step father came into the picture when I was 4. He was verbally and physically abusive and raised me until I was 17 when I moved out. I'm 35 now so good riddance there.
tasmlab Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Tell them the exact truth. It's not you talking badly about your family, it's just the truth and it sounds bad because it is*. And give them your opinions. It's a big reason why you are there. * Like the Harry Truman quote “I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.” 1
MysterionMuffles Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 You tell them the truth; your family are self destructive people and you don't want your kids to be influenced by them in any way. 2
Pleiades Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Tell them the exact truth. It's not you talking badly about your family, it's just the truth and it sounds bad because it is*. And give them your opinions. It's a big reason why you are there. * Like the Harry Truman quote “I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.” Very great advice! I would recommend asking them how they feel about it. Make sure that they understand why it is happening and make sure that they know you still are a family. The thought in their minds may be "Will daddy leave us", and you may need to tell them what you as a family need to do to stay as a strong unit.
kahvi Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Kudos to you for getting out and for thinking about this question ahead of time. I agree with the above responses. Always be honest with your kids and let them know that you want to spare them the horrible life that you went through. The people on this forum truly give me hope in humankind. I just wish there were more of us.
tasmlab Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 This is really scary in a way, because you will be telling your kids that they will eventually have the choice to leave or support their own father (you). Very much like the free market/RTR type of thing that Stef talks about i.e., that they ultimately get to choose you when you are old enough.
MysterionMuffles Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 but if he's a good parent he won't have to worry about that 1
Carl Green Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 This is really scary in a way, because you will be telling your kids that they will eventually have the choice to leave or support their own father (you). Very much like the free market/RTR type of thing that Stef talks about i.e., that they ultimately get to choose you when you are old enough. It sounds like it might be a good time to make sure it's perfectly clear (that they'll have that choice) so they are fully aware that people are accountable for their actions. If I had a kid(s) I think I'd be scared if they didn't know they'll have that choice. 1
tjt Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 That is so awesome that you were able to see your family situation for what it truly is, rather than how you had been manipulated to see it for most of your life. Congratulations and it is amazing that you want to protect your children from that dysfunction! I'm no expert, and certainly no psychologist or family counselor or anything like that. But first, I think you should dig into why you consider telling the truth to your children to be talking bad about your family. Sometimes, that feeling creeps up on me when I'm sharing details about my manipulative family and I feel bad, but then I realize I was conditioned to feel this way when I'm exploring the truth because my family didn't want to be exposed for what they really were... kind of like psychological black mail, I guess. Then, I'd like to draw attention to a method that Stefan has shared in a few podcasts (which is also a great way to help children develop empathy). You can explain to your kids that your family members hurt you, or rather that they were mean to you. Then you can ask them "what if I invited one of your mean classmates over to play with us?" Then hopefully your kids realize that they wouldn't like that at all, and so they can better understand why you don't want to be around your family and why you want to keep your kids away from them.
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