cobra2411 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Well I had a run in with my mother today... I gauge my frustration/anger about the same as burning a piece of toast - so that's good. Anyway, she's a hard core manipulator who I've recently extricated from my life. We had a short conversation the other day about why I was doing this to her and I simply said "because I'm tired of all the manipulation" and walked away. So today I run into her and say "Morning" in a cordial and reserved way and it starts... "{hmmf} Hi. You know I'm still really upset that you accused me of manipulating you, that really hurt me. I have never manipulated you in your life, but if that's what you have to do to justify exiling your mother from your life then go ahead. Unlike you I have thick enough skin to handle it." Here's where I'm pretty sure I made my mistake, I got drawn into explaining my actions to her - something I know I have no obligation to do. ME: "Well you do manipulate. This conversation, all the times you accused me of not caring, etc... You do it to get an emotional response from me - that's manipulation." FOO: "That's not manipulation, that was for attention. I felt you pulling away from me; which you have every right too - it's your life. I just wanted your attention so you could understand what you were doing to me. That's not manipulation... You forget, I was in the mental health field, I know what manipulation is." ME: "It is manipulation. If you felt there was something wrong with our relationship you could have just talked to me." FOO: "I didn't do it intentionally - therefor it's not manipulation. Manipulation is when you intentionally do those things. Don't you know how upset I am with myself for doing those things? Then you go and make it worse by exiling me from your life. You're the only thing in this world I care about and to not be in your life really hurts me." ME: "Well then you should strongly consider therapy if it's that important for you to be in my life. Until then I have somewhere else to be." And I walked away. I would like some input on how I handled that. I know I have to work on a few things because there should be no reason for me to feel compelled to respond to her. I'm assuming it's just that it's too fresh and there's still some part of me left that wants to placate and sooth the soon to be unruly monster. Any tips for how I can handle things like that better? I'm a nice guy and have all the tire tracks over my back to prove that - it's hard for me to simply ignore her or dismiss her - but I'm working on it. I just don't want to feel like a jerk afterwards. Lastly, while I'm very suspect, is there any validity to her statement that it's not manipulation if it's not intentional? The effect is the same so it's not like I'm going to run back to her with open arms, I'm just curious if there was anything that came out of her mouth in that conversation that wasn't meant to manipulate. Thanks
philschneider Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I want to preface this with I have never experienced this, so my opinion may be lacking. I am sorry you are going through this, but yes this is sill manipulation. Just because she is not aware of her manipulation does not change her actions effects. You can be empathetic towards her lack of understanding. You can try to explain and help her, but if she can not understand and change her actions then you can only continue to be separated from her. 1
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