Breaking away from my Mother

[Trotter332]

Hey everybody,

 

So recently I've been getting into self knowledge and starting to process my childhood. A conclusion I've come to is wanting to end the relationship with my mother. I was just curious if anybody might have any suggestions on preparing or how to conduct the ending of the relationship.

 

I've started reading Real-Time Relationships and also recently picked up a book called 'Breaking from your Parents" by Daniel Mackler in case that helps.

 

 

[Tony Crowe]

Hi Trotter332,

 

It must be a very troubling and serious situation if you're considering that.

 

These are just my initial questions for you. Would you mind taking a crack at them?

 

Why would you want to end that relationship?

Have you told her about what you are concerned about? If so, what was the conversation like?

Have you spoken with anyone else close to you about that?

 

Take care!

 

-Tony

[Trotter332]

Hey Tony,

 

Thank you for taking your time to reply, I do appreciate it.

 

I have been discussing it a lot with my cousin who's also here in FDR and he's been the main person, other than myself, in helping me make steps towards self knowledge. He's been listening to Stefan for longer than me, began reading a few of his books and has a good knowledge of my past.

 

I want to end the relationship because in my life she is the embodiment of low achievement, doing the very minimum she can to get by. Also her actions have constantly proven her to be untrustworthy. She often lies to me when I have questions about things that have happened in my childhood.

 

Yes I have spoken to her about my concerns and she would turn the conversation to make anyone but her to blame. 

[andkon]

I was just curious if anybody might have any suggestions on preparing or how to conduct the ending of the relationship.

 

 

What are your concerns about ending it? If you say, "I don't like Bob and I don't want to be around him anymore. How will I end this relationship?" Well, don't be around him. Easy. So why don't you think you can just end the relationship now? What do you need to end it? Are there technical issues like living arrangements? Do you think the relationship could survive if _____? What's holding you back? etc

[Trotter332]

What are your concerns about ending it? If I say, "I don't like Bob and I don't want to be around him anymore. How will I end this relationship?" Well, don't be around him. Easy. So why don't you think you can just end the relationship? What do you need to end it? Are there technical issues like living arrangements? Do you think the relationship could survive if _____? etc

 

I guess I'm worried about her family, not including my siblings, siding with her instead of realising the decisions she has made were what caused it. I spoke to a friend recently about it and she asked "Why does it need to be an event?" because my plan was to see my mother in person and tell her that this relationship is over. I figured that the ending of a relationship needed a definitive stop. 

 

I did some reading through the forums about some others who have "defooed" and haven't had a definite "stop", they just stopped having contact with them.

[Tony Crowe]

Trotter332,

 

Thank you for elaborating on what's been going on with you. I know somewhat how difficult it can be just to consider this, talk about it with others, or talk about it with your Mom directly. I also did that.

 

I have some more questions. If you want to answer or not that is totally fine.

 

Has anyone stuck up for you or sided with you in the past?

Has anyone acknowledged your concerns in a way in which you were satisfied in the past or recently?

 

If you cease contact can you handle any abuse which may be directed at you by family or friends?

 

If you cease contact can you still manage financially?

 

Before you do it can you get access to someone who can be council for you emotionally?

 

-Tony

[Trotter332]

Tony,

 

Thanks again for taking your time

 

Has anyone stuck up for you or sided with you in the past?

Not anyone in the moment but my cousin is on my side about this and also one of my brothers who I discussed with about my mother has acknowledged what she has done and he himself has spoken to her about it so I do have some support regarding my decision.

 

 Has anyone acknowledged your concerns in a way in which you were satisfied in the past or recently?

I'm not exactly sure how to answer this. Best I can say is that I have people in my life who understand the decision I'm making and also will support me through it.

 

If you cease contact can you handle any abuse which may be directed at you by family or friends?

I'm not really sure if I could, I suppose I'd be considering breaking contact with them also.

 

If you cease contact can you still manage financially?

Financially I'll be fine, I don't receive anything from my parents which is something I'm used to.

 

Before you do it can you get access to someone who can be council for you emotionally?

If you're referring to therapy it's something I'm going to need help with regardless. I've been looking at it for a while but currently can't afford it financially. Being a student can be difficult sometimes.

[andkon]

I guess I'm worried about her family, not including my siblings, siding with her instead of realising the decisions she has made were what caused it.

If they do take her side without talking to you, that will tell you quite a bit about them. 

I spoke to a friend recently about it and she asked "Why does it need to be an event?" because my plan was to see my mother in person and tell her that this relationship is over. I figured that the ending of a relationship needed a definitive stop.  I did some reading through the forums about some others who have "defooed" and haven't had a definite "stop", they just stopped having contact with them.

I think the definitive stop is the realization that it's over or that there never was a strong, positive relationship to begin with. (If you've reached that, there's no need to talk. And if you want to talk, go ahead.) Personally, I had known my parents for over two decades and had tried to talk with them before to no avail, so I did not feel any need to have a sort of final confrontation or talk.

[Trotter332]

Thank you Andkon,

 

Tony and I had a chat about it away from here and helped me understand. I think the only reason I want the stop is to give her a chance to redeem herself, but I don't really want to do that either because I've given her enough chances. 

 

Thank you for your help You've helped me better understand the meaning of my actions.

[Trotter332]

So I've got an update for this topic that strengthens my desire to go through with this.

 

I had my 21st recently in which I got rather intoxicated and there was a video recorded for the speeches closer to the end of the evening. All the speeches were pretty good, seemingly heartfelt and genuine and then my mother gets her turn. After she had spoken I had to ask a couple others if they also were hearing what I had.

 

In the speech, instead of reflecting upon the good memories of our upbringing and making people laugh through positive and nostalgic memories, she instead mentions a time of great pain for me and my family. She brought up my anger issues where I didn't know how to manage my emotions and ended up punching some holes in walls and doors (this was when I was around 11-13) and was suffering a lot of abuse from school and no emotional support from her. She said that when I punched a door once, that I had aimed for her face and missed (which wasn't true, I had stepped past her and then lashed out). She then carried on my passion for playing Volleyball and my talent as a spiker. That every time I hit that ball, I would imagine her face as the ball, which was again untrue. 

 

My mother had also mentioned similar things about both of my sister's experiences and it seemed like she was throwing us all to the dogs in front of our close friends and family.

 

After this she mentioned that she was proud that we had sort of survived and carried ourselves despite the abuse we had suffered as children. The abuse she's referring to is not associated with herself, but the fact that our father had gone to prison when we were young and is not (for the most part) in our lives today. 

 

Because I'm on a roll I'm going to mention a few other things that she's done.

 

I remember going over to my family's house to mention to my sisters and mum that I had been diagnosed with depression and that I was going to try out therapy. I got Mum and my younger sister into a private room away from other people and explained to them what was going on. In the same conversation that I had mentioned my depression my mother decided it was convenient that she was now dating her best friend's ex-husband and was going to move away. 

 

One other thing was I recall wanting to speak to her face to face because I had questions about my upbringing and to do with her parenting. It took close to a month of hassling for her to actually meet with me, and that ended up being me coming to her. When I addressed her with the questions she never once gave me an answer that placed her responsible for any of the decisions that lead to the position we were in at the time. 

[jacbot]

Trotter332,

 

First, sorry for your experience you have my empathy,

 

I defood my parents a long time ago, I defood my mother at 18 and my father at 22.  Your mother sounds like my father, success in my life is left unmentioned but every misstep due to trauma and stress is magnified and gloated over for the drama coin.

 

Best way is to say to defoo is why you defoo and keep it short, dont turn in into a discussion, she will most probably turn it into some control game/drama scene, whatever.  For me, i just dropped of the map,... with no explenation. Changed my number thats it. I must honestly say they (my mother passed away due to sickness) suffered greatly with this defoo because they didnt get any closure or explenation. For me it was my revenge and I enjoyed the satisfaction of paypack.

 

Parents are not stupid, they know demn well what they did!

 

 

This is about you, it is NOT about your parents, you need some timeout and get away from toxcit stuff. Maybe later you can contact them.., wich in my experience was totally useless ( i tried 4 years later) as it didnt went further then "i did the best i did, and get over it" and "you were responsible too". That last one remark was really sick.

[Trotter332]

Thanks Jacbot,

 

I like your suggestion about keeping the defoo encounter short and to the point. But another thing has come up through my sister that alarmed me.

 

My mother is possibly going to be moving back into my area which I don't really know what to do about it. I'm not in a position to move towns yet because my 2nd semester is coming up and I don't have the money yet to go anywhere.