What do I owe my Brother, how best do I assist him either way

[Coreforcruxes]

I have to a degree come to Terms with my parents evil, but am at an impasse, and I potentially have a greater priority I should tend to.Growing up I abused my younger brother, physically hitting him, deriding his curiosity and sensitivity, I was wretched. When left alone I would torment him half the time then manipulate him the last half of the time into not telling on me. It was Evil, and I am ashamed of what I did but I won't let that shame cripple me from doing something about it. I want to do whatever I can to better him now however I can.Thankfully he would hear my apologies, and has has forgiven me. When he says that he forgives me I ask him for full accountability and I offer my support however he asks for it, I will never consider myself off the hook. Right now we skype once a week maybe once every two. And I can see the consequences of trauma in his life, behaviors and decisions. He was the youngest, and got it from the rest of the family.I was 5 years older, he had no chance, I had all the power and thats what I did with it, I have to do whatever is best because of my actions I am responsible, I cannot "make this right", I can only do the right thing now.Now that myself (the middle child) and our only older brother have told our parents they are not getting out of being judged for our childhoods, they have turned their attention to our youngest brother. Pouring attention on him that he never got as a child. There was always one "best" child chosen by Dad, sometimes me (as an adult) sometimes my older brother, never our youngest.Now our youngest brother who used to be the most critical and active regarding judging our Father at least [Mom never got any responsibility], Is embracing "the best relationship with him I've ever had". And still not judging a Mother who let all this shit happen. They have totally embraced his narrative of my Evils but have accepted responsibility for none of theirs, not in any meaningful way.I hesitate to tell my parents to get help or kick sand because I am afraid it could harm the relationship I have with my brother.I have offered to help pay for my brothers therapy, he shows no interest in going, and I am not sure how much I should try to convince him to go ( I have been bringing it up every once in awhile for months now ), so I freeze and ask you here on FDR for advice.Now I am finally in a place I can get therapy for myself and feel bad getting therapy for myself while he goes untreated. We have a good relationship I give him all my attention and support when we engage I try to be there for him as best I can.He is miserable at work and wants a change, every time we talk he has a new passion or want to move somewhere else. All of this is screaming to me that he needs to do internal work.When topics of our parents come up I do not change my history to make him more comfortable, I tell him they were to blame for where they failed and were actively Evil but that does not let me off the hook for my Evil actions toward him.Right now my best includes asking your thoughts on this manner and thank you very much. 

[cynicist]

I'm in a similar situation with my own brother, (1 year apart) only he does not acknowledge anything that occurred in our family.

 

I was 5 years older, he had no chance, I had all the power and thats what I did with it, I have to do whatever is best because of my actions I am responsible, I cannot "make this right", I can only do the right thing now.

 

Yeah, the thing I realized is that it will never go away. How could it? The past is unchangeable. And despite how painful and shame-inducing it is, I think it is a good thing to live with ultimately, because it serves as a reminder that you will never do anything like that again. It's also why I'm certain that for people who have done worse, like your parents, change is impossible because coming to terms with what they've done would be horrific. I can't imagine trying to come back from abusing a baby...

 

Thankfully he would hear my apologies, and has has forgiven me. When he says that he forgives me I ask him for full accountability and I offer my support however he asks for it, I will never consider myself off the hook.

 

When I tried to talk to my brother about what happened when we were younger his response was, "It's no big deal, we were kids". I don't know your situation, but your brother may have forgiven you because to assign responsibility to you for your actions would lead to assigning responsibility to those who were in charge as well. That's the case in mine, where my brother views my mom as a hardworking saint who deserves better and has done nothing wrong. The best you can do is be relentlessly honest and help him where possible. Whether he wants to remain in the dark about your parents is his choice. (and going to therapy would be acknowledging that something was wrong and needs to be explored) You have my sympathies.

 

(sidenote: it's nice to see your face )

[Coreforcruxes]

Thank you very much for the reply Robert,"When I tried to talk to my brother about what happened when we were younger his response was, "It's no big deal, we were kids" "I get something similar to this or its in the past and does not matter. But at other times he does a good job at showing me how much what I did hurt him and how aware he was, how he felt then. Talking about this I need to make sure he knows that any time there is anything about the past he wants to talk about I am here."I don't know your situation, but your brother may have forgiven you because to assign responsibility to you for your actions would lead to assigning responsibility to those who were in charge as well."Initially this was my first thought, but he retreated into them and "stockholmed". He would hold me most responsible for his suffering as a child saying that my behaviour was what he remembered most. I guess as a child he learned early that our Father was an asshole, and looked to me for some kind of support and instead he was neglected, abused and let down even more. Our older Brother was at an early age an advocate for him and I was his nemesis, the family knew I hated him.[ segue; I think I hated him because he was happy and curious and innocent and that would get you killed in our environment, that would bring you pain from Dad and it was better to come from me. Though, when the family saw what an ass I was they did let up off of him a bit. Not sure about that conclusion but something I will think about ]right now I just approach with humility, that I don't really know how best to help him and give, give, give, unless he is asking for validation about something I cannot validate "I deserve to have been spanked".I am seeing progress in him, his stance with spanking now is "only someone who is 15 or 16 and is rebelling" from "I deserved it", and "Dad was a shitty Father". He is even becoming a less religious.It helps that our Older Brother and Sister in Law are also working with him. We do not have a premeditated plan of influencing him but we are "FDR type folk" so him being around us and engaged is having an effect.Any advice or determinations, observations, would be greatly appreciated.

[PatrickC]

Yeah, my experience was similar to Robert's. Not much else to share other than you can only offer help to your brother. If he refuses it, then you can only suggest that the help is there in future, if he ever changes his mind.

[luminescent]

He is miserable at work and wants a change, every time we talk he has a new passion or want to move somewhere else.

 

Have you told him that therapy can help him with those things?  I'd suggest emphasizing that (if you're not already doing it).

 

brothers therapy, [...] ( I have been bringing it up every once in awhile for months now[...]When topics of our parents come up I do not change my history to make him more comfortable,

 

That seems right, to me.  Tell him the truth wherever possible, gently but consistently.  Let him make his own choices but you don't have to agree with him.  I think there are three possibilities that can come out of that:1. he becomes more agreeable to your point of view2. he stays the same3. he becomes more disagreeable to your point of view.If he becomes more disagreeable, then I would back off, because he's getting entrenched in his choice (and it is his choice).

 

Now I am finally in a place I can get therapy for myself and feel bad getting therapy for myself while he goes untreated.

 

Maybe you should look at it like:  Therapy for you might help you figure out what's best for you to do for him.  I think therapy for either of you would be good for both of you. 

sometimes me (as an adult) sometimes my older brother, never our youngest.

 

I have to say, this sounds especially warm to me.  Maybe it's just an accident, but in english "our youngest" usually is used for "our youngest child" not "our youngest brother,"  so it comes across to me as though you feel as responsible for him as though he was your child too.  It might have been just a slip of the keyboard, but that just feels to me particularly as if you really care.  :)It sounds to me like you've got this right, deep down.  Your actions and proposed actions reflect  (in my opinion) your heart being in the right place.  It's a good place to start.

[Coreforcruxes]

 > PatrickCThank you for your post, I am sorry to hear that you and Robert share a similar experience. > luminescentI really appreciate your eye on my circumstances and support in some decisions. I can run it around in my mind over and over but it helps to have someone give some validation. About my calling him "our youngest"... I am not sure where that comes from, the choice of word was conscious but the why... after having harmed him at a developmental age, no, at every developmental stage ... I hated him from the beginning.((( I certainly feel responsible now, I think even then in our youth I felt some "ownership" or power over him. My older Brother was given it over me [yet punished when he accepted that responsibility and tried to act on it].I have a very salient memory of the time period that he was born, I was in kindergarten or first grade and I would walk home and my older Brother would be home first. No parents were home.He was in charge of making sure I did chores and I would not listen. In my memory he would often Hit me for not. I remember one day he had me in a corner and I just sat in a ball and had my hands around my knees and my head tucked down. I know that that was a day that a piece of me walked further into the cave. And if my youngest brother was not already born, he soon would have been.I don't mean for these thoughts to steal the thread but I wanted to write them as they came up. )))I think I have come to a solution, I was walking with a friend and fellow FDR fan yesterday and talking through these things...I plan on going to Therapy for myself,  and while doing so regularly save money for my younger Brother to go. I will not pressure him to go, but will tell him that the money is there if and when he wants it.PS - There is always the third option; make more money and do both.Any advice for a proper savings plan for a plan like this? how much fiat > bitcoin > etc.. if saving about $50 a week. 

[luminescent]

it helps to have someone give some validation.

I like to look at how things are intertwined.  As in, therapy for you would affect your brother as well.  I find that often things feel better when I have them connected to each other, instead of in isolation.  This probably is about me, more than about your situation though.

 

> I think even then in our youth I felt some "ownership" or power over him

Is it possible that you used "our youngest" in the past to mean "ownership" and now it's starting to mean "responsibility," and that's why you would have deliberately chosen it in your post?  If your perspective has changed from ownership, then using an ownership term would have been off.  But since it's an ambiguious term maybe it represents to you the psychological shift from one perspective to the other.  A token from the past that is transformed into its opposite in the future.  (I find it very interesting that you would state that you felt you chose it deliberately.)

 

> I know that that was a day that a piece of me walked further into the cave.

 

Yeah, I've had moments like this.  I think that having a memory of those moments is sort of a gem... it's evidence to yourself that you weren't always like the "after" picture.  It makes it easier to realize that it may be possible to back out of it, back into the "before" picture.I like your solution, I think it makes perfect sense.  I'm not sure what you mean about "how much" for a savings plan though?  I found all of your complicated, emotion-related stuff easy to understand, but here I'm at a loss :)Have you chosen a therapist for yourself yet?

[Coreforcruxes]

"(I find it very interesting that you would state that you felt you chose it deliberately.)"A thought that just came up when reading this was that I used to reject and dislike him I "owned" him to correct him, and now I Love and enjoy him and want to take ownership of my relationship with him."I like your solution, I think it makes perfect sense.  I'm not sure what you mean about "how much" for a savings plan though?  I found all of your complicated, emotion-related stuff easy to understand, but here I'm at a loss :)"Thanks luminescent, please disregard the ideas for savings question, re-reading this it seems out of place.

"Have you chosen a therapist for yourself yet?"No, I have not had the time to fully vet anyone, and stopped looking till I addressed this question. I am considering Steven Summerstone. Yesterday Skyping with my younger brother I introduced him to Steven's youtube channel and asked if he'd be interested. I could not gauge him, it seems he was partly interested, especially after I told him I'd pay for it.My personal life and things like this are delayed right now, I purchased a camper and am having to spend my free time organizing getting it moved to a lot I can live in it on and moving my things into it while I fix it up.I know this turn of events sounds counter to my claim of being secure and stable enough to start therapy, but the deal was good and spontaneous and I had to move on it. My new landlord will let me pay in Labor and cutting out a rent payment should cover therapy and saving some for my Brothers.and of course thank you for your continued interest luminescent