dmart1287 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Hey guys I'm new to the FDR forum and im trying to find an answer to my own question. I have a current g.f. I've been going out with for 6 month. She is amazing I love everything about her. But every time I have a any women around that shows interest in me I just want to jump into action with this stranger. I really have to really control my urges. I don't know if this stems from my childhood that I had in which I was brought up Christian so I was meant to suppress my sexual side. My mother referred to almost all sexual things as a sin. That's why I spent most of my younger and teen years away from women now that I'm older and wiser I just want all women who show some interest and look decent to my standards. Even tho I love my current g.f
PatrickC Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 How much interest did your mother take in your life as a child? How was she at expressing affection towards you?
dmart1287 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 My mother was always in my life she was the one mostly on top of us. In a way she was obsessed with us we were the only good thing she claims in her life. She has severe depression she only wanted us kids to be around her. She was also a stay at home wife. My father was not much involved because he was running his own business didn't have much time to be on top of us. I'd say she was always affectionate towards us so was my father too.
PatrickC Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 In a way she was obsessed with us we were the only good thing she claims in her life. She has severe depression she only wanted us kids to be around her. Right, this sounds like her story to me. So what were the things you recall that showed her interest in you. What was it like dealing with a depressed mother?
dmart1287 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Well I mean honestly I'm a pretty positive person to be honest. She is the opposite pretty negative about life in general. I mean she always wanted us to be well taken care of as for material wise. So as a childhood I could say I was very spoiled I had all the latest toys and games. And she always gave us attention and didn't want to share us. Like I learned something from my x gf which was when she told me you make kids not for yourself but for the world. I feel like the attachment she had was not a healthy one for us or her. Especially trying to indoctrinate us with religion on a constant basis
PatrickC Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 So you had no real connection with her and she was managing her anxiety by giving you stuff. It sounds to me that you were neglected of any true connection with her. Her attempts to spoil and shield you from others were ways to avoid that connection with you, whilst simultaneously making sure you couldn't connect with others. Add to that the sexual repression your mother exhibited, brought about by religion. Is it any wonder you want to 'jump into action' the moment a women shows an interest in you?
dmart1287 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 She is great as in being there for me. She is a bit more pessimistic then me. She wants to be around me a lot I think that's normal since were still in the beginning stages of our relationship.
Demosthenes_ Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Unless you have some contradictions to this, doesn't she sound a like your mother? You didn't say she was religious or mentally ill, but she is close to you like your mother and has a negative outlook on life like your mother. The attachment may be because it is the early stages of the relationship, but I feel it is important, if you wouldn't mind giving more details about her and your relationship thus far. Also, what kinda of girls approach/show interest in you?
dmart1287 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Patrick thanks I just realized any time I felt bad as a kid I was never able to have a connection with my parents I was never able to communicate with them. So I held it all in So far she's been very open about her past with me she had an attempt at suicide to some issue with a past x. Also I know she has had a significant amount of verbal and physical abuse from her mom and dad. The verbal abuse continues til this day from her parents. She says that she's never been with a guy like me understanding and caring from what I've heard from her past b.f they have been kinda assholes but she still considered them smart. She doesn't have much friends only one to be exact. Well I have one girl that she is definely interested she is very pretty and funny. And she doesn't know I have g.f but don't know too much about childhood about her but she's very attractive. So my mind and body just wants to spring into action with her. The last paragraph was for demosthenes
Demosthenes_ Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 What is the other girl's interests? Why didn't you tell her you have a gf? Do you only get the impression she likes you or is there something more objective? How was your dad like to your mom?
dmart1287 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 We seem to have a good conversations that pretty much it about random things. I didn't just in case my inner wild side wants to have sex with her that might turn her off if I tell her. My dad was the deciplinary one in the parents roles. Didn't really talk to us much he was too focused on his business
Ruben Zandstra Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Did your father sleep around? Or was he so disconnected that there's no way to tell or find out?
Demosthenes_ Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Didn't really talk to us much he was too focused on his business So as far as you know, it would be possible mom and dad didn't talk? I didn't just in case my inner wild side wants to have sex with her that might turn her off if I tell her. You said your girlfriend went out with assholes but she still considered them smart. Would she consider yourself smart? Deep down you are willing to, for lack of a better word, betray your girlfriend. It is admirable that you feel guilty about these feelings, but if the chance came by, would you sleep with this woman? I feel in the case between your girlfriend and you, she goes out with the same guys who may be just a little different. Would you say she sets herself up to be hurt by rushing a connection and watching it fall apart? I have the impression that your relationship with her is going fast. Her being emotionally open in a new relationship can be a good thing, but what do you believe her intentions were when she told you? Do you believe she has told the same things to her other boyfriends? I feel this may not be solely about you liking another girl while with someone else, though that is significant, but also about the girl who are with. Would it be possible that you set yourself up for failure?
TheAuger Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Brother, clearly it's perfectly okay to feel attracted towards other women while in a serious relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Maybe I'm missing something, but do you see being attracted towards other women as a problem (or an unmanageable problem) for you? If so, then why? If you're in love with this woman and committed to her, then obviously don't cheat on her. If you want to see other people, then tell her. Do suppress any advances that you make towards other women if you're still involved with your gf, but don't suppress your feelings of sexual attraction -- acknowledge them as perfectly valid!
PatrickC Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Auger, just to clarify his issue was when other women show an interest in him.
TheAuger Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Sure, if you're approached by another woman and she clearly wants some sort of romantic relationship while you're in a relationship with your gf (of only 6 months), then you have some options, clearly. You're still in the driver's seat, dmart. I think the advice in my earlier post still applies. If you want to explore a romantic relationship with the other woman, then you need to tell your current gf about your feelings. If you have a friend that knows both young ladies, see if you can go through a pro / con exercise for each woman and help organize your feelings and possible plans of action (e.g. breaking up with current gf, or explaining to the other woman that you're in a committed relationship and you'd not like anymore "advances", if that's whats happened). Keep it simple.
dmart1287 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Demos my mom and dad did talk but there relationship is far from a good relationship. I feel as my mom only wanted to stay with my dad just because he supported her she was lazy and never wants to work. My father also had insecurities as of never wanting my mom to work because men might want her. Also I'd like to point out there is a 25 year difference between my parents. As for my girlfriend I wouldn't say I'm smarter then her x b.f. but more understanding yes as when other b.f would brush her situations off I listen to her and I teach her new things share a lot of things I learn. If things are going fast yes they are totally going fast. I don't believe she has been open with her past b.f but she has been with me. That's why I think she appreciates me so much. I really love her tho. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for failure If the chance came for the other women to offer me sex I dont think I have the willpower to resist honestly.
TheAuger Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 If you don't think you have the will power to resist the sexual advances of this other woman, then you probably don't truly love your g.f. How / why would you consider putting yourself in a situation like that if it would hurt the woman you claim to love? If you want to have a romantic relationship with the other woman -- great -- but you need to do the right thing and consider your g.f. -- tell her you want to see other people and put the ball in her court. Also, and crucially, you are not being honest with this other woman because you haven't and are not telling her about your g.f. If you truly love your g.f. and want to be virtuous in your relationship with the other woman, then you'll tell the other woman about your g.f., right?
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