Reconnect with friend collegue without loosing her respect

[Bradley]

December -13 we had an argument online (yes, yes, mistake), which ended with her saying she didn't want to have any more contact with me:

 

”because the only reason to you saying this must be you not liking me”.

Wrote a response arguing some more about the actual issue, finished off with:

 

”fine, we'll have no more contact”.

We met at work. When leaving she didn't say good bye to me like usual. 2 weeks passed without us speaking (at the time our shifts didn't sync up, we met each other when mine was starting and hers leaving).

 

She messaged me:

 

”how about making up?”

 

And said she would write a reply to my response by a specific day.

She didn't.

 

I waited 2 weeks, then wrote:

 

“nah, because this is the second time you break contact. I would fear you breaking contact again, so I'd either start censoring myself or continue acting normal, and risk it happening again.”

Which is really emotionally painful because we are/were so close friends and added:

 

”also you didn’t do what you said you would do, big surprise.”

 

(not responding to my text).

At multiple times throughout our relationship has she said she would do things and not done them, then when I brought it up she just come up with excuses.

Then some weeks pass.

 

Again she writes:

 

”aha, but do you want to make up now then?”.

I ignore it.

Then on valentine’s day she sends a broken heart.

 

(she has a bf, we are both within the understanding that we are friends)

 

I ignore it.

Nowadays we are working together, and I'd like to start talking to her again at work (besides strictly communicating about the neccessary things which we are currently). It's boring and awkward otherwise, and it messes with my mood going around feeling reserved towards her, making the effort to not make non-work related talk. We take the same buss, but have not been talking (like we used to). When the buss stops we silently walk to the store…

 

I could start talking to her, she would engage as if nothing had happened. But I feel like if I do, I'll let her bad behavior slide once again (not doing what she said she would do).

 

If I did I would also probably feel like a doormat, and that I let myself down - like earlier in the relationship. She will also lose respect for me. The important thing is not what she replies, but that she frigging does. I'm ready to just drop the whole argument, it's been months anyway and memory fades. As long as she - for once - just frigging does what she has said she would do.

 

2 days ago she called me:

 

"I want to make up."

 

Me: "Me too, but I won't repeat myself"

 

(earlier in text 4-5 months ago she had asked what it would take for me to start talking to her again, to which I replied that if she responded I could allow myself to start talking to her at work again)

 

She expressed that she felt really bad knowing we would be working again (me on vacation at the time).

 

Me. "Am I supposed to repeat myself? You have already asked this question"

 

"Yea I know, but the thing is, you don't understand, I just haven't had that kind of energy to respond to your letter. For real, I have had a lot to deal with. I have in mind that we would have a meeting where I print out your letter and respond to it. "

 

I said no. She asked what I could have in mind then:

 

Me "I can have in mind what we have already talked about."

 

"Ok, that I type a response?"

 

ME: "Yes".

 

"ok, but it will take so much for me (sniveling). It takes more than what I am able to do."

 

So this is a person in her thirties, that have have had the title of acting store manager, and which have had 4-5 months to get it done.

 

Me: "well that's unfortunate, then it will continue to be as it is then."

 

"No I don't want that."

 

Me: "I don't want that either. "

 

"ok, then I'll try to do that".

 

What to do? Going to boss asking that we not work together is not an option.

Also appreciate input on my line of thinking.

[cynicist]

This whole story sounds strange, I think we're missing a few key details. What is this 'letter' about? What kind of messages are you sending? Why is this important to you?

[MMX2010]

Strong disclaimer: I didn't even read your post.  So if this is way off, please forgive me.

 

When I read your title, I said to myself, "That's strange.  We don't communicate our deepest feelings in order to gain/prevent losing respect; we communicate our deepest feelings to invite intimacy." 

[Bradley]

This whole story sounds strange, I think we're missing a few key details. What is this 'letter' about? What kind of messages are you sending? Why is this important to you?

 

Thanks for replying

 

I don't think it matters now as said, I want to move on.

 

But okay,

 

What is this 'letter' about?

It was about she calling me for in my opinion no good reason. She was taking on a role where she is above me. Which formally she isn't. Also that she called my phone on a Saturday early in the morning, because I have it on unmute for work-collegues phones (which I've told her). Fortunately I was awake.

 

Details:

She called me on my leisure time (which is fine in and out of itself, we had been doing it earlier) to ask about a fridge that had been broken, that I had, after calling our boss the day before, emptied. I put all the milk in a shopping cart in the inventory for the next day people to dispose off (didn't have time to do it, store closing). Wrote a short note that it were to be disposed.

 

Still she calls the day after since she's working then, and asks what had happened. I explain what had happened. I ask why she is asking. She responds "I just wanted to check up".

 

....

 

It's a small store, only me and another person working during the incident. For her to think that we would do it without good reason and then project it on me. I was pissed that she got me to explain myself, and that her reason was "checking up on me". We were good friends. She knows me. She knows I'm not an idiot. None of the collegues that started work earlier that day called me. She was poking her nose.

 

We argue a bit, I try to find out her reason. She evades, comes with short non-replies. I press her some more, then she explains her line of thinking for calling, which was - as I suspected - mistrust: 

 

"maybe it was just too warm and some customer pointed it out, and so you just threw everything. I don't see what the problem is?"

 

Some days earlier she had also called me because I had left some (minor) stuff that she now had to do the day after. My bad. However, in this call she used this wording "tell everybody to keep order in the inventory". That's right, flat out telling me what to do. Sometimes I let myself be walked over. So instead of responding to that inappropriate wording, I agreed to tell 2 people, because I'm not working with everyone. She agreed to tell everyone else (which I severely doubt she ever did).

 

So with this call, enough was enough with her taking on an inappropriate role.

 

We spoke again later and she did apologize for saying bold.

 

Then we started arguing again via a chat client. My mistake for arguing online, I initiated it. We went back and forth. She said she wanted no more contact with me, as said in post #1. I then wanted to be able to use formatting in my reply and write a long text as my one and only finishing reply, so I wrote a lengthy Google drive document and sent a link to it. This is the letter.

 

What kind of messages are you sending?

That she has no mandate to act bossy like she is, and that I'm not taking it anymore. I want to change that aspect of our relationship.

 

Why is this important to you?

Because I work there, so I "have to" be there, and I feel like a doormat when she assumes that role.

 

Strong disclaimer: I didn't even read your post.  So if this is way off, please forgive me.

 

When I read your title, I said to myself, "That's strange.  We don't communicate our deepest feelings in order to gain/prevent losing respect; we communicate our deepest feelings to invite intimacy." 

 

Thanks for responding anyway

 

When I say respect I mean her not treating me like some pawn, and that if I suddenly were to start talking to her, I would go against my word, which would cause her to loose respect. Or in any other way find a solution that would make us able to reconcile. She has repeatedly not held up her word. I want to make her do that, I don't think I'm in the wrong for that?

 

At one occasion I did communicate my feelings about her not doing a thing she had told me she wold do. It took like 5 mins of talking before she finally went to the office and did it. Before that there where just excuse after excuse after excuse. 

 

At this point, I've accepted I am the way I am, I get irritated and pissed when people don't do what they say they will. She is the way she is, not putting a lot of weight behind the principle of keeping ones word.  Probably not out of malice or seeking power (well maybe subconsciously). We've discussed her attitude to keeping ones word, and apparently according to her it's okay not to depending on X reason. So I make sure not to make any agreements with her whatsoever that involves some effort for he to keep her word.

[cynicist]

I don't think it matters now as said, I want to move on.

 

Well thanks for doing it anyway, it helps us understand what is going on.

 

At first I was going to suggest laying down standards and sticking to them, but it seems like you are having trouble doing that yourself so telling her isn't going to help. So let me ask you, who else in your life has demonstrated that they are unreliable, domineering, undermining, and that you have had trouble maintaining standards with while also being very concerned about their opinion of you. Oh and is a female.

 

Figuring out why you allow this to continue is the best way to solve it in my opinion.

[MysterionMuffles]

What would it mean to lose her respect, and why is her respect so important?

[Bradley]

Well thanks for doing it anyway, it helps us understand what is going on.

 

At first I was going to suggest laying down standards and sticking to them, but it seems like you are having trouble doing that yourself so telling her isn't going to help. So let me ask you, who else in your life has demonstrated that they are unreliable, domineering, undermining, and that you have had trouble maintaining standards with while also being very concerned about their opinion of you. Oh and is a female.

 

Figuring out why you allow this to continue is the best way to solve it in my opinion.

 

Can't think of any female. I simply don't stand up to myself sometimes due to problem with expressing emotion, thinking that it's wrong to do so. Like, someone behaves in a way that I feel wrongs me, and it creates a feeling of irritation or anger or whatever, but then, before I can express it in the moment, the thinking part comes in and blocks it. 

 

What would it mean to lose her respect, and why is her respect so important?

 

What would it mean to lose her respect:

Respect is a scale. So me submitting would make her further loose respectfor me. Obviously she doesn't respect me a lot, otherwise she'd have kept her word. There's no excuse.

 

It's like with Stefan's abusive mother he retold in one of the podcasts. Some would say "oh, but she was doing the best she could, she had a bad upbringing as well." However, when the phone rang, she instantly became nice.

 

why is it important?

I think it's normal to want the people you see on a regular basis to respect you. If not, you feel bad. It's important that I stick to my guns on this. if not I would risk feeling like a doormat, and that I let myself down. I happen to think - like most here I hope - keeping ones word is an important principle. And if you can't, you should show signs of regret and apology, not give a reason/excuse. If the inflicted person just accepts that, that sets a bad precedent, for that relationship, and for future other relationships. If you accept it ones, you're more likely to do it again and again and again.

 

If she doesn't respect me that'd risk influencing my self image/self-respect.

[cynicist]

Can't think of any female. I simply don't stand up to myself sometimes due to problem with expressing emotion, thinking that it's wrong to do so. Like, someone behaves in a way that I feel wrongs me, and it creates a feeling of irritation or anger or whatever, but then, before I can express it in the moment, the thinking part comes in and blocks it. 

 

I'll give you a hint. It starts with an M and rhymes with 'brother'. 

[MysterionMuffles]

What is your relationship like with your mother in regards to respect? Is it mutual or one way? Are there any parallels between your mother and this woman?

[tiepolo]

The question to ask if you don't want a romantic relationship, as I believe il padrone would say, is 'would I take this shit from her if she were an elderly Asian gentleman?'

 

Personally I see no reason not to be civil and conversational with someone even knowing they are unreliable, as long as you acknowledge that fact, don't invest too much in them (emotionally or otherwise) and don't expect too much from them. If they want to go deeper and to probe why they might have this personality flaw and what they can do about it, then it is for them to initiate that process. 

[Bradley]

I'll give you a hint. It starts with an M and rhymes with 'brother'. 

 

She was not or is not like that.

 

What is your relationship like with your mother in regards to respect? Is it mutual or one way? Are there any parallels between your mother and this woman?

 

Mutual, no parallels.

 

Besides, how is this analysis of me going to improve the situation? I need concrete advice on what to do.

The question to ask if you don't want a romantic relationship, as I believe il padrone would say, is 'would I take this shit from her if she were an elderly Asian gentleman?'

 

Personally I see no reason not to be civil and conversational with someone even knowing they are unreliable, as long as you acknowledge that fact, don't invest too much in them (emotionally or otherwise) and don't expect too much from them. If they want to go deeper and to probe why they might have this personality flaw and what they can do about it, then it is for them to initiate that process. 

 

Ok, finally some concrete advice.

 

So I just start talking to her like nothing happened?

 

Romantic relationship - of course I want to fuck her, I'm a man. I'd fuck a whale. Asian gentleman - yes, I would, I have trouble with laying down standards with everyone.

 

But she has a bf, and we've been friends for too long.  Another part of me does not want to stick my pen in company ink, because I'd risk me finding a way to fuck it up, and that could be uncomfortable at work.