My life, thank you all.

[aFireInside]

    This is going to be short essay about how I escaped hopelessness. I will talk in detail about my past, present, and future. Its going to be

 

something of an ode to Freedomain Radio, my hope is that this helps anyone who is in my position.

 

    What was the hopelessness I was feeling? Im still living with my parents. I was dragging myself out of bed every day to slowly kill myself

 

in college, although I had a 3.8 GPA I hated myself. I spent most of my days alone and isolated. I was emotionally disconnected.

 

    My past. I was raised by a neglectful mother and father, something truly evil yet so hard to see. When I was 3 years old I remember

 

wanting to learn how radios and TVs worked. With a screw driver I opened various electronics up. My father got pissed off and angry at me,

 

my mother somewhat let me get my way but neglected me and my curiosity. I smashed my penis with a hammer at the age of three. I

 

accidentally hit it when I was sitting in the floor. Thankfully everything is ok down there. This is the start of a long life of neglect. I come from

 

a large hispanic family, I remember my family having to live with my aunt and uncle for most of my youth. Screaming, crying, running,

 

smiling, and laughing where all things that my mother passively but aggressively discouraged. I was discouraged to show any type of

 

emotion because my mother thought it might inconvenience my aunt. I wasn't allowed to be a child. Hence this is where my social anxiety

 

came from. My mothers neglect spanned beyond this when I was five I had a new remote controlled air plane, my neighbor who is the same

 

age as me liked it and decided  to steal it. My mother did nothing, I wasn’t worth anything to her. Expand this to the rest of my life, this is how

 

I was raised. Jump to me getting my first job, when I graduated from high school I didn't have any plans to go to college. My father came into

 

my room and mockingly said “ha, what are you going to do now ?”, I told him that I applied at many places to work and that one of the

 

companies had called me. He said “Thats what they always say, but never offer people jobs” , but then I said no they actually called me to go

 

to an orientation, I got the job. After that he left the room. This is the type of monsters I was raised by. That same week I had to complete a

 

drug test that was part of the job hiring process, my mother was going to give me a ride because I still didn't have my license. She came

 

across a roundabout and complained that she didn't know how navigate them, so she turned back and went home. She told me to forget the

 

job and to attempt to get another one. I had to ask someone else for a ride, and got the job. This was life.

 

  My present. Thanks to the community I have made big decisions in my life. Im still living with my parents but I made the decision to drop out

 

of college and move out. I will never succeed in this place.  Im currently searching for a job and roommates. I was feeling hopeless a couple

 

of days ago because everything seemed impossible to me, moving out and getting a job. One of my FDR friends said you do notice a pattern

 

right ? Whenever you come across a problem you give up and go home. This is what your mother did with the roundabout. Thank you ! Yes,

 

Im a smart guy who always gives up when a big problem comes up. I was creating an iPhone game, I showed it to people and they thought it

 

was cool, it wasn't complete some problems came up therefore I gave up. Do you see the pattern? Here is another instance of this pattern. I

 

started a podcast but when problems came up I gave up. When I was around 7 I wanted to build a treehouse and my parents ignored me I

 

still attempted to build it but after getting hurt I gave up. This is a pattern that was engraved in my brain. Thankfully Im aware of it and Im

 

going to make big changes! 

 

    My future. What am I doing with my time ? Im searching for any job to move out and continue with my growth. I started programming

 

again this time I wont let big problems stop my ambition. I'm breaking the cycleI by driving through the roundabout! I want to build a portfolio

 

to eventually start applying to programing jobs. Im also working on my video editing skills, I never had a formal education in this area but I

 

noticed its something that Im good at. I have made a couple of FDR short videos. The idea behind that is to make short videos highlighting

 

the best of FDR videos. I believe this will engage people who have shorter attention spans, less time, and less intelligence. If these videos

 

become equally successful or surpass FDR’s success I would feel confident enough to ask Stefan or Mike for a job, and also express other

 

ideas I have. If they don't I gained some skills and helped FDR in some way. 

 

    In conclusion, at the moment of writing this I'm full of hope. I want to thank everyone who is part of the greatest philosophical community

 

in the world. <3 Sorry for my grammar and spelling mistakes, I'm correcting them as I find them.

[Three]

I felt really angry at hearing what your parents did to you. Neglect, mocking, sabotaging your plans, and breaking your will.  You didn't deserve that. You've shown a tremendous amount of courage for all the work you've done and for sharing this and I found your writing truly inspiring. You're awesome, Ivan.  Sincerely,-Joel  

[aFireInside]

I felt really angry at hearing what your parents did to you. Neglect, mocking, sabotaging your plans, and breaking your will.  You didn't deserve that. You've shown a tremendous amount of courage for all the work you've done and for sharing this and I found your writing truly inspiring. You're awesome, Ivan.  Sincerely,-Joel  

 

 

Thanks Joel for all our conversations without you and the guys I would be lost.

<3