My mind's playing tricks on me

[Cronus]

Hello FDR community, first poster here and big fan of Stefan Molyneux's podcast. 

 

I come from a Muslim family, and all my life I claimed to be a Muslim, even though in retrospect, this was not  true. I did not follow the five pillars of Islam, nor have I ever read the qu'ran or ever prayed. A few weeks ago, before Ramadan came a long, I realized that I never really believed or had interest in Islam or any other religion for that matter. This is the second time I renounce my faith. The first time, I was 15 (now 18), but felt so guilty that I started believing again. Though, I have noticed from both cases that a series of bad events have occurred after I decided I was an atheist or agnostic. I have one side of my body telling me it's just me feeling guilty, and one side telling me it's god giving me a sign. 

 

Has this happened to anybody else?

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

Yes, it occurred to me as well. Although for me it was with Christianity.

 

I was raised by what I like to call a "wannabe-fundamentalist Christian" mother. This meant that she believed in being fundamentalist, but in reality it was too much work for her to do. However, she was going to be damn sure that I would be doing it.

 

Leaving out the details, my mother just used it as another form of abuse. Of course, when you're 5 years old, you believe whatever you're told by your parents. Thus I considered myself Christian, even though I despised church, only read the Bible under coercion, felt really stupid and uncomfortable when praying, was never interested in getting baptized, and generally didn't get along with others who identified themselves as Christians. However, I was terrified of God and my mother constantly made sure that I should be. She would regularly go through my things and what I was doing to explain to me how the devil used things like books and video games (the two things I enjoyed the most) to get into the minds of young children. I had the Lord of the Rings taken away from me when I was 10 years old because they involved characters who did "magic".

 

I got to the point where I thought I was damning myself with all my activities. I thought God was constantly looking over my shoulder and judging me because I didn't like going to church, because I didn't like reading the Bible, because I didn't pray unless forced, and because I hated my mother. When I was 13 I threw up my hands and told myself that I no longer believe in such shit and that I'm free. Of course, I did this more out of spite for my mother rather than any firm beliefs, and the guilt and fear tugged at me for at least year afterwards.

 

To make matters worse, when I was 14 my mom decided we needed to go to some Christian seminar by some fundamentalist bigwig. I can't remember his name, and I wish I did so I could a.) show you all what a bigot he is and b.) write him a scathing letter. It was a week long, four hours a day, where I was forced to sit in a freezing cold room with my mother sitting next to me. She would yell at me or hit me the instant she thought I wasn't paying attention. I considered this the most brutal trial of my life. If my mother wasn't bad enough at convincing me how satanic I was, this guy, four hours a day, went into excruciating detail on just how Satan was perching his fortresses on the map of my soul. And, of course, he worked the crowd like any standard Hegelian trickster; he had all the answers and Bible verses ready and waiting to explain every situation and example he brought up.

 

I considered it the worst week of my life.

 

After the seminar was over I went into despair. My reason told me that it was all a bunch of bullshit, but I was just too fresh out of the Christian mindset to let go so easily. Looking back, I think the only thing that saved me and gave me the will to pull through was at the very end of the seminar when all stood up and sung a song (I had to sing too or I would get hit) that included these lyrics in the chorus: "Trust and obey, because there's no other way..."

 

Without the logical capacity to explain why, I just knew that that was bullshit.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post. But to make a long story short, I remained non-Christian and everything has been all the better. You just have to stick it out. The feeling goes away and you'll feel a lot better. I would recommend studying something like logic and listen to lots of Stefan Molyneux in the meantime.

 

-Dylan

[Cronus]

Anyway, sorry for the long post. But to make a long story short, I remained non-Christian and everything has been all the better. You just have to stick it out. The feeling goes away and you'll feel a lot better. I would recommend studying something like logic and listen to lots of Stefan Molyneux in the meantime.

 

-Dylan

 

Don't sweat it, great read! You're right. I find it illogical that Abrahamic religions came to existence so late in history, and the fact that they all led to the formation of new empires is pretty suspicious. Also if god is omni-everything, then why did he have to re-evaluate the  2 previous 'true god's' religions? I think that religion was created by some kind of elite society at that time. I mean, why did the prophet Muhammad become the general and leader? I thought he was a prophet, not an emperor or general. So yeah, I came to the conclusion that religion has been used as the ultimate political tool. It made a man from a merchant to one of the most admired figures of history. 

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

The first thing you might want to put on your reading/listening list is The Origins of War in Child Abuse by Llyod DeMause. Stef has the audiobook for free in the Free Books sections at the bottom. Religion made a hell of a lot more sense to me after that.

[Frosty]

You don't decide to be an atheist or not, it's just a label for non belief. Your language is telling, you describe it as a choice and you're struggling with god telling you things, which means deep down you probably still believe.

 

The guilt is a defense mechanism that religion has built in, it's to discourage people leaving the faith, it's social programming you'll have to try and un-do, if you continue to struggle with it then consider therapy.