Looking to get out of an abusive relationship? I did..

[Jenuine]

Hi Everyone

I'm looking to connect with women and men who are in an abusive relationship and would like to get out, or like me- left an abusive relationship and would like some support to stay out.  I'm referring to romantic relationships, but we could talk about other relationships too. The idea of helping others get out of bad relationships is exciting to me.  I want to give back to this community as it has helped me in regaining my individuality and reason, and oh yeah.. finally drop the person who was physically/verbally abusing me! 

 

Stefan, and all the people who have called in about this issue!

The more things in common we have, the easier it may be to relate, but I'm happy to type or talk with people that are of all variations.

A few things about me:

female, 29
grew up in a good family that is financially secure

parents did not physically abuse each other

father did mildly verbally abuse mother and children (more so with mother)
was spanked a few times when really little but nothing extreme

 

Feel free to respond here or privately

[Triumph]

It's good that you got out Jenuine.  If I might intrude, feel free not to answer.  How long and why did you stay in an abusive relationship?

 

I suppose I should add something of myself.  I broke off a relationship with my sister about 1 year ago.  She had been using me as an emotional crutch for almost a decade.  I went through a very terrible event 7 years ago, that destroyed me emotionally.  It made it very difficult for me to understand that whenever she belittled me, or substituted her wishes for my own, that it wasn't somehow my fault.  So I would apologize, conform and accept responsibility. 

 

One night we got into a fight about math of all things.  She is a high school science teach and was getting ready to teach a physics class. She asked for my input.  I have about 10,000 hours of doing college level math, caculus I and up.  It is something I am good at, something I am somewhat proud of, and it is knowledge I have that in no way she could compete with.  And she shit all over my thoughts.  She had been more abusive than normal of recent, and I had for the first time begun to think it wasn't my fault.  When she challenged me on math, I knew with certainty, that it wasn't my fault.

 

When it was clear I would not cower, and she saw that she could not make me doubt something I knew so well.  She used the L word in vain to try and guilt me into conforming myself to her wishes, and become the apologetic crutch of a brother she had used for so long.  I lost my temper on her, and I am not ashamed of it.  She had no fucking idea what love is.  And I told her so before storming out of the room. 

 

I haven't seen her since.

[Jenuine]

  Hi Triumph.. thanks for your question, and for sharing some of your experiences! 

 

I can relate somewhat in the situation with my abusive ex.. He was always playing the part of the know-it-all, and his fragile ego rarely stepped aside long enough to admit any kind of mistake.  After nearly 4 years of knowing him, I can't really decipher the pattern of what made him apologize or admit wrongdoing other than those rare moments when he felt good enough about himself to calculate the risk/benefit of admitting his mistake in favor of clarity and honesty.  One clear instance of this know-it-all stubbornness was when he would consistently not listen to me on issues regarding my parents.. something I am the clear authority on.  These came back to bite him every time and he still insisted on not listening. 

 

With the unrelenting know-it-alls I've met, I've observed a common trait of unhappiness with the self.. people that are largely devoid of self-created virtue to the point where they seem to rely on their knowledge as the main pride, benefit, and connection of themselves with others. This makes them especially susceptible to the uncomfortable ness/ pain of being wrong. Until and if they ever reach a healthy self esteem level, I wouldn't expect them to change.

 

Great for you for standing up, and making the choice to put yourself and reason ahead of an abusive relationship.  I'm sorry to hear that you were treated in this way for so long. It sounds like maybe she even prayed upon your traumatic state from the terrible event?  If so, that is despicable and shudder worthy in my opinion.

 

Has she shown any signs of remorse or willingness to make things right with you?  Do you think she knows what she was doing was wrong?

 

To me, the most painful part about my tolerance of the abuse was the result of not trusting myself as much.  When I was finally able to fully step back and see what I was subjecting myself to, I felt like 'how the hell did I end up here'.  I had brief moments of clarity about this all along which makes it even worse.  The clarity was what I would imagine a homeless meth addict might feel when looking at a pre-meth photo of themselves. Pretty much WTF! It's also troubling that it took physical violence which didn't show up until a few years into our relationship to really start to wake me up. I am so glad I chose the path of self knowledge. 

 

I am still figuring out the underlying causes that motivated me to stay in an abusive relationship .. My short answer is to say that I was so addicted to him by the time the physical abuse showed up that I was fogging my own reason with pity and by taking more than my share of responsibility for his abusive actions.

 

In many ways I cared more about him than myself.. Somewhat because I viewed him as needing fixing, and wanted to get him up to my level on certain aspects like integrity and courage.  He had a rough life compared to me with a broken household, largely dysfunctional parents, struggling for resources, etc. He also seems to have mild aspergers.. a very brilliant mind in many ways, but with a myriad of social and emotional inadequacies/ blind spots. It was almost like having a child even though he was only 1 year younger. I was trying to groom him as a worthy partner instead of just finding someone who was right to begin with.. 

 

Another important aspect to my relationship addiction was an avoidance of furthering myself.  We met and became involved at a time when things were a little scary for me because I was really succeeding in life in general- making a self-created path.  He had some of the practical knowledge I was missing (although he wasn't putting it to good use most of the time), and I thought we would make a great team.  At least that is what I told myself.  I know now that I took the easy way out in shifting the focus from myself to him.

[Triumph]

 Has she shown any signs of remorse or willingness to make things right with you?  Do you think she knows what she was doing was wrong?  

 

No, she has not tried to make things right.  The first thing she did was to try and turn the rest of my family against me.  When my mother didn't take sides, my sister got angry said somethings that I can only guess and refused to speak to our mom for about a year.  Things are better now, but the family is still split on the issue.  My sister and I don't speak.

She knows that what she is doing is wrong because it requires conscious effort on her part to keep herself blind to her own actions.

[Gwen]

Hi Jenuine,

 

I'm in the process of figuring out how to leave my husband who is absusive (mostly verbal).  The situation is complicated by the fact that we have two young children together.  I can definitely relate when you said your ex couldn't admit when he was wrong as well as the mild aspergers comment.  I too suspect that my husband has a mild form or aspergers and I have often let things go because I figure he isn't good at reading non-verbal cues and doesn't know when to let things go. I'm not sure about my 'diagnosis' now though because he seems to 'read' people fine when he wants to manipulate people.  Maybe he just ignores the non-verbal cues because he doesn't care that much about other peoples feelings and he's simply an asshole.

 

I can also relate to the moments of clarity and trying to bury those moments so I don't have to act (and not acting is and 'act' in itself).  I've reached the point where I can no longer ignore it - my kids are learning by example and the thought of them modelling what is 'right' and 'wrong' based on my husband's actions horrifies me.  Also, unless I act the part of being submissive, there is a lot of arguing and that is not the kind of household kids should grow up in. 

 

I never thought I'd end up choosing to be a single mom but it seems as though it's the best option.  I keep thinking about conversations I'll have with my sons in the future.....I want them to be happy with the choices I made from this point moving forward.  I know they need their Dad in their lives (as long as he treats them ok....he'll never win 'father of the year') but I would also like to eventually meet someone (after I've worked on my issues so I don't repeat the same mistakes) and model what a healthy relationship looks like for them.  Right now I'm just trying to figure out the next step. 

[Jenuine]

No, she has not tried to make things right.  The first thing she did was to try and turn the rest of my family against me.  When my mother didn't take sides, my sister got angry said somethings that I can only guess and refused to speak to our mom for about a year.  Things are better now, but the family is still split on the issue.  My sister and I don't speak.

She knows that what she is doing is wrong because it requires conscious effort on her part to keep herself blind to her own actions.

Sorry for the lag in reply.

 

Was it infuriating when your sister tried to turn the rest of the fam against you?  I think I would be super pissed!  Why do you think she did that?  Maybe she was afraid they would side with you and she would be somewhat forced to deal with her abuse? 

 

Is anyone taking a position on this besides you?  If not, why do you think that is?  If you guessed what she said about you to try and get them on her side, what would that be? 

[Jenuine]

Hi Gwen,

 

  I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you have endured, as well as your children's exposure to the abuse!

 

  I just wrote a long reply and it got erased when I changed a setting on my browser which is annoying.

 

    Are you up for phone chatting sometime?  If not, I would be happy to respond again.. it just may be easier if we talk. 

 

  I'm a video editor and aside from some weekends during the day when I'm out getting interviews, I can usually make time whenever.. If you do want to chat send me an email with your number, or I can email you back with mine.  I bet it can be tricky with kids and a husband around so we can work around that, or if you would prefer to message here instead, that's cool too.

 

[email protected]

[Gwen]

Hi Jenuine 

I'd rather just message for now - I don't have much privacy with two little ones and I don't want them overhearing what I'm saying about their Dad.  Thank you for the offer though.  I'm new to the FDR community and I'm so grateful I've found a place where I can get some moral feedback and direction.

 

As far as I'm concerned, the marriage is over.  My husband definitely thinks this is not the case and wants to fly us half way around the world to see this counseller that has helped family members in the past.  I've talked to this counseller a couple times on the phone in relation to my husband and his Dad's relationship and the counseller seems like a good guy.  That said, I know there is no hope for us as a couple.  My husband keeps saying that he 'still loves me' which means absolutely nothing to me....I know he's fishing for me to say that I still love him too.  I don't.  Since reading RTR, I'm pretty sure I never did.  I was just lustful for a alpha-acting male and wanted to have babies.  Now my poor choices are going to result in me being a single mom. 

 

I'm kinda over being depressed about the situation and I'm trying to figure out how we're going to move forward.  We immigrated to Australia from Canada (I'm a Canadian, he's a US citizen who grew up in a few African countries).  I would love to move back to Canada with the kids but after having a conversation with Stefan as well as one of my sisters, I've concluded that I need to stay close to my ex. That said, there are work things happening with my husband that indicate that he may not even be in Australia that long.  He's currently got some consulting work in the United Arab Emerites and if all goes well, his company may have a big project starting there in the new year.

 

If that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I want to continue to stay at home with the kids and homeschool them and I would have enough income (passive from family investments) to survive and do this if I live extremely frugally....very, very frugally   I do not expect to receive any financial support from my soon to be ex (he might surprise me and give me a little each month to contribute to the kids expenses).  Following my ex to the UAE and living as a single Mom there would be awful....and I probably couldn't afford it unless I put the kids into daycare and worked which isn't what I want for them.  I'm willing to do just about anything to make sure that they have a relationship with their Dad but is there a point at which this simply isn't reasonable?  Do I follow my soon to be ex wherever he goes for the sake of my children's relationship with him?  In the past we're moved a lot and I long for my kids to have some stability.  It doesn't seem 'fair' to me that I should follow him but it sure as hell isn't fair for my kids not to have him around because of my poor decisions in the past to have kids with him in the first place.

 

I've been a doormat so much in this relationship and I feel as though I have no sense of what is 'reasonable' for me to do.  I don't even know what is 'right' by my kids since I'm wary of UAE laws in relation to women's rights and I don't completely trust that my soon to be ex wouldn't try to gain custody of them if we did move there (not likely but my husband is pretty pissed that I want to end things and he's the kinda guy who loves to seek a lawyer on problems and 'win'). Hopefully this counseller we're going to see will help us negotiate something that will work best for the kids. 

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

[Triumph]

Sorry for the lag in reply.

 

Was it infuriating when your sister tried to turn the rest of the fam against you?  I think I would be super pissed!  Why do you think she did that?  Maybe she was afraid they would side with you and she would be somewhat forced to deal with her abuse? 

 

Is anyone taking a position on this besides you?  If not, why do you think that is?  If you guessed what she said about you to try and get them on her side, what would that be? 

 

It split my family.  She said I threatened to murder her.  Which was not true. The people that tried to stay neutral, she started to attack them from frustration.  I didn't try to defend myself and stayed quiet.  I bluntly answered questions when asked instead of trying to spin my own story.  I would say by the end, I had more support than she did. 

 

The fact of the matter is, to continue to maintain a relationship with her, I would have needed to become her emotional punching bag.  Fuck that. 

[Frosty]

My 2nd to last relationship was quite bad, I found myself infatuated with someone who i thought was perfect for me (rare because I have quite specific tastes) and wanted to make an effort to make things work, but she didn't really put in the same kind of effort, very much felt like she knew she could do better, so it was a very asymetrical relationship, I'd always make time to be there for her and she'd throw me a bone once in a while and occasionally make time for me, it ended badly after essentially I became a doormat.

 

I'm usually quite rational but when the emotion of a relationship kicks in I find it exceedingly hard to remain on point.

 

Anyway I just ended my last relationship which was only a few months in, I started seeing the same behaviour, I'd ask her to make some time for me now and again and she'd say maybe tomorrow, tonight I'm doing something with friends, which is fine if she doesn't want to commit early on, but then when I'd say the same thing she'd get all pissed off an holier than thou. I could just see the same thing happening again, she expects me to be there at her beck and call but then thinks it's OK for her to basically put me off for indeterminate amounts of time.

 

Didn't want to get hurt again so just called it off, she wasn't even prepared to acknowledged the asymmetric behaviour much less apologise for it, time to move on. Can someone do a me a solid and give me a sanity check, not all women are like this right? I don't think I encourage this behaviour, as far as I can tell I don't come across as a pushover, maybe it's just a string of bad luck.