I've stopped hitting my children and now I have two new issues.

[Bel Rick]

Hi

I confess that I am not fully convinced that smacking of children is an evil greater than not smacking of children, I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt about 4 months ago.

Firstly, phew what a relief! I love my kids, it just feels great to not believe that I have to use smacking to control their behaviour anymore! The pain it caused within myself no longer occurs  (I'm not forgetting the pain it no longer causes them of course!) and for that reason alone it is a wonderful thing to no longer feel that I have to do it to them.
YAY


2 issues have crept into my parenting which has led me to come here to ask for help.

1. Because I no longer back my 'requests' as a parent with violence, my children are taking longer and longer to respond to direction. This is ending up with me having to yell at them WAY more often. I HATE yelling at my kids, just hate it, never done it before, don't want to do it. Just that like kids should be, they have lots of fun, get excited, lots of great energy and given their ages (3 and 5) can zone out anything not right in front of their nose.

How can I get my messages to reach my children in times like these?

2. I've become a coward, I am FAR more likely to avoid confrontation with my children and pass the buck to my wife now. (you deal with it cop outs)

What has gone wrong inside of me? I've really enjoyed these last few months with my children and am feeling really reluctant to negatively engage with them. I've been like an druggie, only willing to live the good parts of parent child relationship. I know that partially this is due to conflict taking a LOT longer to resolve (as it should through communication) and now working longer harder hours leaving tired more often.

What can turn my view around and ease the burden upon my wife?

Please help

 

[AMR]

I do not have kids, so no practical experience. 

 

What are the requests that end in yelling? I would ask the child why they aren't fulfilling the requests, and then explain to them why it is important for them do to what was asked of them. I would try to get to them to do things you want by making them think it was their idea or choice, ask them questions leading them to think about things for themselves so they can understand why it is important to do the thing asked.

 

I also think routine might be good for kids so they know what is expected of them so they don't have a huge internal struggle with what they feel like doing and what you are requesting that they do (go to bed, brush teeth), if there is a big change in their schedule, lots of warning and prep should be given. 

 

Did you talk to your kids about how you are no longer using violence and why? I think it would be good for them to see you have their best interests in mind and acknowledge that you made mistakes before. 

 

 

[NameName]

Hey there, thanks for stopping hitting your children. I am not an expert, nor a parent, however here are my thoughts:

 

1. How can I get my messages to reach my children in times like these?

Negotiation.

Negotiation is key as it makes the relationship win/win. Check out Stefans books on parenting.

Can you think of a situation where you fail to find a method to reach your children? Maybe it will be easier to help if you start with a real example.

 

2. What can turn my view around and ease the burden upon my wife?

Does your wife willingly take on more of the responsibility or is she hesitant? Only you can figure out why you do this to your wife and how to fix it. The key is communication, your wife is your sidekick and your number one allie, it is crucial to have 100% open, honest communication. I would suggest stepping in when your wife is stressed and busy and your wife stepping in when you're stressed and busy. I would study why exactly you opt out of parenting and put it on your wife. Only understanding the reason to the actions can lead to changing them.

 

Good luck, I hope I was somewhat helpful!

[Mike Larson]

1. Because I no longer back my 'requests' as a parent with violence, my children are taking longer and longer to respond to direction. This is ending up with me having to yell at them WAY more often. I HATE yelling at my kids, just hate it, never done it before, don't want to do it. Just that like kids should be, they have lots of fun, get excited, lots of great energy and given their ages (3 and 5) can zone out anything not right in front of their nose.

 

How can I get my messages to reach my children in times like these?

 

I highly recommend looking into the writings/lectures of Gordon Nuefeld for information on how to handle these situations. His recommendation would be to "collect before you direct". The idea is that your power to parent comes from your emotional connection with your children. By evolutionary necessity children are "programmed" to reject taking direction from those to whom they are not attached. So his advice is to collect or gather your children before asking them to do something. For example kneel down with them, so you are at their level, show interest in what they are doing at the time. Make a connection with them. Then, once they are feeling attached, you can gently direct them to do what is needed. The level of connection that you have with your children ebbs and flows throughout the day. In some cases, you won't need to do much at all before directing them. In other cases, you might need to spend a fair bit of time. Personally, I have found this approach to be very effective. It doesn't work 100% of the time, but then, I don't want my children to follow my directions 100% of the time. Sometimes what I ask them to do is not necessary in the moment. And sometimes they are engaged in an activity that is very important to them, and they would rather not be interrupted.

[MeGrownMind]

 

I do not have kids, so no practical experience. 

 

You have under your belt more than a decade of experience being a kid yourself. Don't cut yourself short when giving parental advice.

[Existing Alternatives]

Thank you for stopping hitting your kids and congratulations. Unfortunately, yelling is only marginally better. One important point that helped me through similar transition was the whole mirroring concept.  In case you are not familiar with it, kids learn by mirroring their parents. If you are impatient with your kids, they will be impatient; if you are violent, they will be violent; if you are yelling – so will they, and so forth.

 

Now that you made a decision to move towards the non-violent parenting, it is important to communicate that to the kids (and ensure that your spouse is 100% on board). It is also important to ask their forgiveness for your previous trespasses against them. You are now partners in this journey and they should feel empowerment and trust. I also think you should really trust them in this. They are little angels, I am sure, they will be more than happy to help you help them.

 

At first the transition is extremely frustrating. It takes a lot of planning, engaging your kids in planning, explanation, and tons of patience. You are turning a pretty big ship around. But the results will be surprisingly fast and extremely rewarding.

 

All the best and please keep us posted on the progress.

[powder]

good for you for seeking help, keep it up.  yelling at your kids is abuse.  

[Triumph]

I don't quite understand the yelling.  It's not a good punishment, it's just an easy punishment. 

 

The big thing I got from your post, is that you are avoiding the responsibility of being the parent.  Not good.

 

If they see you avoiding your responsibilities, they will avoid the responsibilities you ask of them.

[ribuck]

... Because I no longer back my 'requests' as a parent with violence, my children are taking longer and longer to respond to direction. This is ending up with me having to yell at them WAY more often...

 

How can I get my messages to reach my children in times like these?

 

Firstly, congratulations on abandoning violence. That's the best possible first step.

 

I don't think there's anything a parent can do to "get" their messages to their children. What a parent can do is to "let" their children receive the messages. To do this, one must create an environment where the children are receptive to messages, then put the message out there.

 

Let me illustrate this with an example. Suppose a meal is ready, and you want your children to come. Here are two completely different approaches.

 

(1). You call your children to the table, but they don't come because they're occupied doing something else. So you yell, and they ignore you. You yell louder, until they eventually come because the yelling is making it hard for them to do whatever else they wanted to be doing. This goes on day after day, and no-one is happy.

 

(2). You make it a habit to warn the children in advance, by calling out "five minutes until mealtime". This puts them in the frame of mind where they're more likely to come when you call them to the table. But still, sometimes they don't come because they're occupied doing something else. So you say, calmly and happily, "OK, come when you're ready. Your mom and me are eating now. We'll serve you some leftovers when you're ready to eat". Nine times out of ten, this will bring the children to the table right away, but sometimes they'll choose to come later for leftovers. Eventually, there will come a time when their favorite part of the meal has all been eaten and the leftovers are less appealing to them. From that point on, they will come straight to the table 99 times out of 100. On the remaining one time out of 100, you can be sure that they must have a very strong reason to not want to come to the table right at that moment, and out of respect for your children you can indulge that occasional whim. 99% co-operation combined with 100% peace and happiness is always better than 100% compliance combined with stress, unhappiness, and verbal or violent abuse.

[Ruben Zandstra]

I'd recommend reading "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Thomas Gordon. Additionally, you could check out if there's a course on the subjectmatter in your region, check out http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/parent-effectiveness-training-p-e-t/

[bootoo]

What are you asking of your kids?

 

For things that seem boring in the moment but are neccesary in the long run, like brushing teeth or going to sleep, you are going to need to give the kid a better reason to do that then they have to do whatever else they want to do - you might want to restrict an activity until after they have done the action and give it as a reward - when they are old enough you can reason/teach about why they need to do what they need to do then it gets much easier

 

For dangerous things just yell loudly and physically move them - and save the yelling and physicality for only these situations

 

Otherwise just prep your kids, let them know in advance whats happening that day and give them plenty of reminders of whats coming

 

Lastly - i would advise you to choose your battles, don't just run around nagging in their ear constantly telling them to do everything or to stop doing everything

 

Thanks! good luck!

[ribuck]

For things that seem boring in the moment but are neccesary in the long run, like brushing teeth...

 

If you want your kids to brush their teeth without a fuss, it really helps if they see you brushing your own teeth every day. Many parents brush their own teeth after their children have gone to bed, which makes the child's own toothbrushing seem like an added burden.

 

Brush your own teeth together with your children, keep the mood happy and upbeat at toothbrushing times, let the children choose the type of toothpaste (stripes, etc), comment afterwards how much you like the clean feeling in your mouth, and the chances are that your children will be happy to brush their teeth without a fuss.

[Bel Rick]

Thank you for all the kind tips.I should of mentioned that I am only asking what I consider normal but vital things of my kids.-Cleanliness of themselves-Looking after the house, i.e: pick up toys once finished with them, put them away.-hold my hand when crossing the road (actually they never not do this, in fact they just automatically seek my hand)

One of the new things I picked up from Stefan was not sweating the small stuff, let them make their own decisions (so that they don't run the risk of being vulnerable to abusive controlling relationships later in life) such as;-If you run you might fall and hurt yourself on the concrete-If you take that toy to school you may lose it-You don't have to wear a jacket but it is chillyetcWill update in a week or to of progress in case people are interested. 

[ben_grimm]

Hi Bel.

 

You made a wise choice.  Its a real challenge with raising children that young. 

 

I have some suggestions that worked for me. (still a work in progress)

 

Kids tend to be impulsive and just want what they want right now and are easily distracted.

So transitioning is good.  Schedule a play time, and give a few indications as to when its time to transition to the next activity.  That decreases their upset at having to stop what they are doing right away.  When its time to pick up the toys, keep directing them to do so, nicely, until it gets done, reminding them of the goal which is the next activity.  It may take a looong time for them to get it, and you will most likely have to do this over and over again.  When they do good, follow up with praise to encourage them to keep up the good behavior and it may get gradually easier.

An obstacle here is expecting too much.  Like "Why are they not listening? I only told them to do this 10 times before!"  That leads to frustration and possible yelling.  If you feel yourself getting mad, it's probably best to pass the buck to mom for a while as you take a mental break to regroup.  It is stressful when the kids don't listen, but they won't understand why dad is yelling at them.  

 

Good luck.

[yagami]

Im not a parent so take this with a grain of salt but I would say for one yelling isnt much healthier than smacking/spanking. I think it all comes down to preparing like Steph says all the time. Establish rules with them and have them agree to them. If you eat dinner at a certain time have them agree to be there at a certain time. If you are going somewhere with them have them agree not run around and do all the other disruptive things kids do. If they violate the rule remind them of their agreement. If they dont care that they broke the rules just bring up examples of when you agreed to do something for them and you followed through. If you want them to clean up their room and they dont want to just remind them hey remember that time you wanted me to do X? I didn't want to do it but I ended up doing X anyway. How would you feel if I had not done X? Basically the point is they need to universalize their actions. They dont seem to understand how you feel when something isn't done that you ask for. Not that they should do everything. But they need to understand that you are a person with needs as well and that they are the children and are dependent but that doesn't mean they get to do anything they want without any repercussions. And by repercussions I dont mean punishment I mean they cant expect you to treat them like angels while they treat you like trash.