I think I got set up....

[Tyler H]

I think I was hit three times as a child growing up, of which I can only remember two.  Of these two I can only remember the reason for one. When I was 5 or 6 I was at church with my step-father on a saturday; he was the worship leader for the church so he was there practicing and I got dragged along. What I remember is that I was in a room by myself and when my step-father left to go practice he left a can of pepsi by the door and told me explicitly not to drink it.  So he left, and of course I had to take a sip.  When he came back, he knew. I didn't take a big sip, but I put the can down in a different orientation.  He told me this is how he knew that I had "directly disobeyed him" and I was going to be spanked when we got home.  That is what I was hit for the three times it happened; lying or direct disobedience (which was basically anything as long as the warning was given).  Each time I was told to go to my room, take down my pants, and wait.  He would come in and I would get three open hand slaps on the ass so hard they sent pain shooting through my entire body.  I can remember the feeling even now and the sound of the screams that followed.

 

So considering I remember very little of my childhood I thought that the fact that I remembered this particular event might be important. While thinking about it recently it dawned on me - holy shit, I think he set me up! He deliberately left the can there to test me, taking a mental picture of its position on the table.  Why else leave it there to tempt me when he knew I wanted some? And I just remembered right now that he said he would've given it to me if I had not taken a sip.  Yeah total set up, pretty shitty game to play with a kid where there's a tiny prize for conformance and a massive punishment for nonconformance.  

 

Along with making me an unhappy little slave living in fear for the rest of my childhood, I'm trying to think of any other effects it could have had on me.  It has certainly been harder de-fooing from my step-father than my mother, which I can only attribute to the fear embedded in me as a child.  

 

Felt good to share, I don't do that enough.

 

All thoughts are welcome.

 

 

 

P.S. Here's me when I was 5

 

[Slavik]

Hi Tyler, thank you for sharing.  Reading your post, I couldnt stop saying "WTF" when I read what your step father did.  I tried to place my self in his shoes, and I have to tell you it was very uncomfortable.  To imagine myself, setting a can of Pepsi down and then telling a child "do not drink it".  the only reason I would see doing so, is precisely to "punish the child".  Its sort of setting arbitrary commandments (not rules, but commandments) to beat the child into obedience.   It felt sadistic being in his shoes, to gain satisfaction from commanding a child.  

[marina]

Wow...that's so sad.. and even sadder after looking at your smiling face at that age and knowing the fear he instilled in you for his own sadistic reasons... his power trip!

I'm very sorry that happened to you.  It's clear he was trying to establish dominance over you in a very cold and calculated way early on...so that you grew up fearing him!  Fucking asshole!!!  I'm sorry.. there's no other way to say it.. he didn't 'snap' on the spot.. he set you up.. which is sooooo much more sadistic!!!  You are 100% correct and you have every right to hate him and feel unconnected to either of your parents because your mom brought him into your life and he clearly 'ruled over you' like some sort of evil overlord.  Don't let his intimidation of you as a child rule your life now.  Confront him and your mom for the abuse you suffered that has left such a deep mental scar for you and if they don't sincerely apologize, deFOO from them both!  Make your stand and stick to it.  Don't let them diminish your experience by dismissing it as only happeneing once or a few times!  It was enough to leave a scar on your personality that is as fresh today as it was then.  You are entitled to have whatever feelings you have about the situation and don't ever let anyone dismiss them as unimportant or tell you that you're 'dwelling' on the past..because it's precisely because of the past that you are still 'dwelling' and feeling held back by it.  He and your mom need to know that you are still experiencing that fresh scar tissue ...years later!  It's the same as if you had a physical wound that hadn't ever healed!  It would certainly still hurt and nobody would tell you to 'just forget' about it!

[NameName]

It wasn't until I began listening to FDR that I realized how many people spank their children, I truly don't understand it. How you can justify hitting a child is beyond me, and the worst part is that is has so many worse implications down the road. I'm so sorry for the crap you had to go through, and it means you were probably deeply afraid of your father your entire childhood because of this. Essentially, your father threw away a healthy relationship and attachment out the window because he'd prefer to beat you.  

 

Disgusting. I'm incredibly sorry.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[Tyler H]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

 

I hardly ever feel anger, even when I know I should.  I know I should be angry at my parents for so much bull shit (hitting, threatening, endless religious indoctrination, etc), but it's hard to get in touch with the actual feeling.  Posting the story here and remembering the details helped me empathize with myself as a child and finally feel some of that anger.  Reading your posts helped as well - exactly, WTF! They are disgusting fucking assholes!  The absolute worst part of the abuse is that it turned me into one of those idiots who blindly said "I was spanked, it was good for me!" with no memory of the terror I felt as a little kid and every intent to repeat history.  I can't express how grateful I am that FDR exists and that I was able to find it and be receptive to the truth.  

 

I have already deFOOed from my mother and will break with my step father soon.  Neither would take any ownership for the issues I laid out.  At first I wanted to break from them without confronting them, but I'm glad I decided to take a stand.  It has made me much stronger.

 

Thanks again for your comments and support!

[Bedouin]

!!!

I'm sorry that you went through that ridiculously contrived sadism.

And well done for sharing.

 

Reading the description of the event, before you even mentioned your allegation, I did remark at the fact that the orientation of the can is a very specific thing to notice and not something anybody will notice without paying attention to detail. Nasty.

 

I certainly felt angry and thought "what a POS", and when I saw the picture of you as a child I teared up and just felt disbelief at how someone could have hit you, and in such a disgusting, calculated way. To defer it until you got home must have been completely awful, and very scary for you? Do you remember how you felt with the dire knowledge of impending, graphic violence?...... Why couldn't he have just taken that time to ask what was going on for you that you wanted to 'steal', or perhaps just accepted that your thirst was a natural thing and reflected on why he felt the need to deprive you of a pepsi which would have done no harm to anyone had you drunk it voluntarily. As I mull over it more, I am beginning to feel sick at just how thick/evil the guy sounds.

[FireMinstrel]

 

 

It wasn't until I began listening to FDR that I realized how many people spank their children

Yeah, same here.  I honestly thought spanking had become very much frowned on by society.  I'd see news stories where spankings got parents arrested, or their children were taken away by the DSS.  I was born in the early 80's, and my friends and I would aways chuckle about how we were the "last" to be spanked, and now it's considered so unacceptable.

I think it's just public spanking that's taboo, as I've NEVER seen it.  The last I saw that was even remotely close to it was my aunt yelling and slapping my cousins' hands in anger(while alternately doting on them with hugs and kisses- I see this a lot with Hispanic families- very emotional.  Either it's kissy-kissy, or screechy-smacky).

What has your step-father said about all of this?  Have you begun to confront him yet?

[madman]

 I was going to be spanked when we got home... I was told to go to my room, take down my pants, and wait.

 

i was so upset the first time i read this i couldn't respond. i could find no way to respond without cussing profusely. thanks for posting and posting the pic. it's hard for me to imagine what 5yrs old looks like cuz i never had any kids. i have one pic of me when i was a child but it doesn't say how old i was. your step dad's a sadistic, cowardly, piece of work. a real sick twist. first you get set up. then you get terrorized(you're gonna get it when we get home). then you're told to humiliate yourself and wait!!! so he can draw out the terror and humiliation. like it's something to be savored. the first thing that came to my mind was sexual abuse and humiliation. i may be wrong but when i saw this my gut said this was sexual humiliation. it makes my hackles stand up. i was furious and i'm still livid. it ain't right. i'd say i'm sorry this happened but it's not my fault and it's not your fault. it's screwed up. it's wrong. it was premeditated, cowardly, and sadistic. i voted your post up cuz it takes balls to share this kind of truth.  

[QueechoFeecho]

i think it was clearly a setup, and there are probably hundreds of others you don't recall so vividly because they had different outcomes (meaning that you followed the pre-stated orders to your superiors' satisfaction.

 

That practice is similar to lots of ways that people train animals. 

[Tyler H]

Do you remember how you felt with the dire knowledge of impending, graphic violence?

 

I don't remember if that was the first time it happened or not; I imagine the first time I had no idea what was about to happen. But I remember what I felt the times that I knew what was coming.  My whole body would tingle and it felt like a rush of blood would go to my head and I would get really hot. I remember feeling really, really scared.... terrified.

 

 

 

What has your step-father said about all of this?  Have you begun to confront him yet?

 

I tried but knew pretty much right away I wasn't going to be continuing a relationship with him.  The apology he gave would've been nice except for the fact that being prefaced with "if i did anything to hurt you" gave it the label "bullshit non-apology" to anyone with ears to hear.  "If", as if I hadn't spent the entire conversation telling him he had.

 

 

 i may be wrong but when i saw this my gut said this was sexual humiliation. it makes my hackles stand up. 

 

 I've been thinking that too, I remember a few things that by themselves may or may not be indicative of sexual abuse, but I know my stepfather was sexually abused as a child and considering the propensity for victims to recycle the abuse I fear there is a lot more I'm not remembering.

 

 

i think it was clearly a setup, and there are probably hundreds of others you don't recall so vividly because they had different outcomes (meaning that you followed the pre-stated orders to your superiors' satisfaction.

 

That practice is similar to lots of ways that people train animals. 

 

Yes I was certainly turned into a little obedience robot, until of course I became a teenager and the power ratio flipped and all they're unjust authority went right out the window.  Unfortunately any good advice they might've inadvertently spit out was in one ear and out the other since they had no credibility.  

Funny about the dog thing, my stepfather was a breeder at one point in his life.

 

 

Thanks for the support everyone, it really means a lot. 

[Mister Mister]

  I'm sorry that happened to you.  I couldn't help but notice that you alluded to how your father is Christian, and immediately it came to my mind how your story is so similar to the story of Genesis and the Forbidden Fruit.  Presumably Yahweh knows the curious nature of the people he has created, and telling them "eat all the fruits BUT THIS ONE" is clearly a set up.  So from a Christian's point of view, this kind of sick game is perfectly acceptable.

[J. D. Stembal]

Tyler, thank you for sharing your feelings. I appreciate it.

 

One thing you said in your original post struck an emotional chord in me. You said that you were hit by your step-father several times but only remember the reason for one of the instances. Why are we compelled to think that there is a justification for the abuse? There is no reason to hit a child at all! Children generally say that they were spanked because they were bad, but if you probe deeper, you'll find that they don't often recall what behavior the punishment was meant to deter. In your case, your step-father seemed to be looking for a reason to hit you because he wanted to hit you. I was hit (spanked bare bottom) regularly by my father, but I don't remember why. I was very accident prone and self-destructive as a child, possibly my way of acting out to gain sympathy or attention. Most of my better memories were of being alone, playing by myself.

 

One of the most vivid instances of abuse occurred when I was a teenager. My father and mother and I were eating dinner and talking, and I spoke to my mom. My dad unexpectedly backhanded me in the temple. I fell out of my chair to the floor and almost lost consciousness. I don't remember what I said to her. I wish I could remember because it must have been pretty important to be silenced so ruthlessly. I've despised my father for most of my adult life and I don't trust my mother because she never stuck up for me, and still doesn't. I still have trouble sharing my feelings with them. We don't talk very often. I laid out my feelings to them last spring, but I got plausible denials and non-apologies from my dad, and practically nothing out of my mother. She's an unfeeling machine with an ever-present beer bottle in her hand.

 

I had a lot of teenage fantasies about hurting my father but he was stronger than me and very intimidating. He has four inches and about fifty pounds on me. I used to get in the middle of fights between him and my mother, but I couldn't stop them. I spent a couple years on anti-depressants and going to counselling, but there was no interest in dealing with the family issues, just medicating me so I would act normally.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I don't wish this kind of abusive treatment on anyone.