Unsure of how to approach my parents to talk about my childhood

[aro]

As I progress into my late teenage years, I am finding it increasingly difficult to relate to my parents. The more I look back on how they raised me, the harder it becomes for me to respect or even tolerate them. They live in a completely different world from me, my mother reads gossip magazines and my father reads red-top newspapers. They constantly watch reality tv and other unimportant drivel on the television and most of their converstions revolve around petty drama at my mother's work. I have a brother, he's ten years old and when he misbehaves they will usually just shout at him and threaten to spank him or as they like to put it, "give him something to cry about". Then when I try to intervene to prevent my brother from being mindlessly shouted at they say something along the lines of "Here comes supernanny" and "You think you know everything".

 

When I was growing up I didn't have someone to intervene and point out the ineffectiveness of yelling and spanking and I suspect that it has had a significantly negative impact on my personality. Let me give a more specific example of how my parents would react to me acting up as a child; From the ages of around 3 - 7, when I dared to get out of my bed past my bedtime my father would shout and spank me and if that didn't work, he would take me to the utility room and lock me in there until I stopped crying. The room was pitch black and I was too small to reach up to the lightswitch so I would sit there absolutely terrified and have to force myself to stop crying so I could get out. I had nightmares about this for years and I still get chills if I go into that room with the lights off.

 

I now want to approach my parents and talk about their methods of parenting to see if they can justify it. I know they can't, most of the time when they dealt with me they were simply trying to get me to stop crying the quickest way possible without ever reasoning and negotiating with me. Has anyone else had similar experiences with their parents? If so, how did you raise these issues with them beacuse the most likely thing that will happen is that I'll bring this up and they'll shoot it down straight away with "I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine" or "We were under too much stress".

 

[MMX2010]

What goals do you have in talking to your parents about these experiences? 

[aro]

I want to see if they can look back and admit to their mistakes or if they'll still try to defend their aggressive style of parenting. I tend to avoid interaction with them whenever I can beacuse of how disappointed I am of them, and they are now starting to ask questions about this. However, I now want to completely open up and tell them that I can barely even talk to them because of how they raised me.

[jacbot]

I defood my parents long ago, and you think you can get justice from your parents if they apologize in some whay, but they wont.

 

They havent felt the results of the "investments accruud" with interest.

 

It can be very hard to  break with people you have emotionally bonded with like all children have done with their parents , i get that

So you want to save that emotional bond ,..but this is not likely to happen as the bond was already broken by their actions, you only have "the idea" of the bond.

 

I suggest you give you and your parents a timeout,.., and then decide on a defoo.

[MMX2010]

I want to see if they can look back and admit to their mistakes or if they'll still try to defend their aggressive style of parenting.

 

All of these occur to me.

 

(1) The conversation you're trying to have is the absolute hardest one you've ever had, and I don't think it can be done without the help of a therapist.

 

(2) You also need to have a very strong knowledge of Real-Time Relationships in order to have the conversation you want.

 

https://freedomainradio.com/free/

 

(3) If you're still living with your parents, it's probably impossible to have that conversation, because they can always attack you by kicking you out of the house. 

 

(4) I, personally, would replace your goal with "determining whether I feel close to, or disgusted by, my parents when I attempt to discuss (in the most honest way possible) what is most important to me".  (This way, you're not focusing on their reaction, nor on trying to control / manage their responses.) 

[charlesp]

I basically agree with what was posted above. I ventured the conversation with my father a few months ago, and in the moment he seemed truly taken aback and apologetic, but the next day he came back with excuses and bullshit apologies. I'm 34 now and am just now learning and digging up repressed memories of the verbal and emotional abuse i suffered as a child. I run my own business but still work with my dad (no idea why I did that, besides being bullied into it by my lifelong bully) but I'm in the same boat, building myself up to laying it all out for him..he doesn't treat my other employees the way he's always treated me, he doesn't treat strangers that way, the simple act of squirting sperm into my mom doesn't give him special rights to shit all over me. he will either accept that and see the error of his ways or i will defoo.

I'm just now digging up all the repressed abuse, I know the next step is processing it but I'm not sure what that means yet. But I refuse to live the next 34 years the way I lived the last 34. Time to take a stand.

[aro]

I finally sat down with my parents and explained to them why I'm becoming increasingly distant to them. Firstly, I started by showing them Stefan's video "The Facts About Spankng". I was surprised to find that they were willing to sit through the whole video, however, I was unsurprised by how they disagreed with almost everything Stefan said. My mother said things such as "This guy sounds so self-righteous" and "come back to me when his daughter is a teenager" (she believes that by not spanking her, she will grow up to become spoiled and entitled). They did admit that there were times when they punished me harshly by their standards, and they both apologised for it, but they are still unconvinced about the dangers of spanking. I'm glad I had this talk with them as it was the first time I've had a lengthy conversation with my parents about something that's actually important but at the same time, I probably should have held off this talk for another time as I don't feel I'm currently in a position where I can articulately discuss the effects of spanking as I found myself stumbling and forgetting some of the key arguments.