Child Abuse Intervention at Kroger

[Three]

I thought I'd stop by Kroger before I go to work for breakfast. Bananas are always an excellent choice since they are so cheap, nutritious, and tasty. Anyways, that's not the point and I am feeling ambivalent about this intervention. I encountered a lot of resistance, hesitance, and stalling. I could have done so much more here. I'm experienced self attack afterwards and even now.

 

I remember feeling really raw and sensitive walking in the store. After I grabbed my Bananas and proceeded to walk towards the register, an older african american woman was holding the hands of a child who looked around the age of three who was crying very heavily. They were on there way out and after a few seconds I realized the old lady was giving her the silent treatment.

 

This infuriated, me and I wanted to go demand that she pay attention to the child. I turned around walked towards them and then, it was as if I hit an invisible wall. I stopped and a part of me, I'm ashamed to admit, thought "oh, well. maybe todays not the right day. what if she yells at you.?"

 

"It's not about me, think of how the girl feels!", I replied and started walking faster to keep up with them. They were out side at this point.

 

As I was in the parking lot following them to say something, I saw two african americans walk by the lady I was following. Immediately, a disaster  scenario occurred where those two ladys would over hear the conversation I would have with the grandmother and then gang up on me. I was scared. And again, I stalled. I froze and couldn't believe what I was doing, or rather not doing. "So, what if they do attack you, what about the girl?"

 

So, I turned around again and walked quickly towards the lady's car. They were literally in the car at this point, the child still crying as loudly as she was in the store.

 

Luckily, the window was rolled down and I walked up to the car which stopped her from backing out of the lot and asked, "miss, is everything okay. I noticed she was upset and was concerned." I looked in the back seat and mad eye contact with the girl who was still crying.

 

"oh, she just throws a fit when she doesn't get what she wants and granny isn't going to get what she wants", she replied with a "sweet old lady" facade in her voice. Again, I'm ashamed to admit that I felt so blocked. I wanted to say, you should pay attention to your child" But, I didn't want to get in a heated argument.

Instead, I looked at the girl reached my hand out to her(without putting my arm in the car) and said "it's okay to be upset".what i'd like to do is figure out what was making me stall and hesitate so much, so I can just jump to do this in the future. or maybe there was a good reason for my fear. any suggestions?

[aFireInside]

I thought I'd stop by Kroger before I go to work for breakfast. Bananas are always an excellent choice since they are so cheap, nutritious, and tasty. Anyways, that's not the point and I am feeling ambivalent about this intervention. I encountered a lot of resistance, hesitance, and stalling. I could have done so much more here. I'm experienced self attack afterwards and even now.

 

I remember feeling really raw and sensitive walking in the store. After I grabbed my Bananas and proceeded to walk towards the register, an older african american woman was holding the hands of a child who looked around the age of three who was crying very heavily. They were on there way out and after a few seconds I realized the old lady was giving her the silent treatment.

 

This infuriated, me and I wanted to go demand that she pay attention to the child. I turned around walked towards them and then, it was as if I hit an invisible wall. I stopped and a part of me, I'm ashamed to admit, thought "oh, well. maybe todays not the right day. what if she yells at you.?"

 

"It's not about me, think of how the girl feels!", I replied and started walking faster to keep up with them. They were out side at this point.

 

As I was in the parking lot following them to say something, I saw two african americans walk by the lady I was following. Immediately, a disaster  scenario occurred where those two ladys would over hear the conversation I would have with the grandmother and then gang up on me. I was scared. And again, I stalled. I froze and couldn't believe what I was doing, or rather not doing. "So, what if they do attack you, what about the girl?"

 

So, I turned around again and walked quickly towards the lady's car. They were literally in the car at this point, the child still crying as loudly as she was in the store.

 

Luckily, the window was rolled down and I walked up to the car which stopped her from backing out of the lot and asked, "miss, is everything okay. I noticed she was upset and was concerned." I looked in the back seat and mad eye contact with the girl who was still crying.

 

"oh, she just throws a fit when she doesn't get what she wants and granny isn't going to get what she wants", she replied with a "sweet old lady" facade in her voice. Again, I'm ashamed to admit that I felt so blocked. I wanted to say, you should pay attention to your child" But, I didn't want to get in a heated argument.

Instead, I looked at the girl reached my hand out to her(without putting my arm in the car) and said "it's okay to be upset".what i'd like to do is figure out what was making me stall and hesitate so much, so I can just jump to do this in the future. or maybe there was a good reason for my fear. any suggestions?

 

I think that was brave Joel, even if you stalled that takes courage. 

 

As for the reason for stalling.

Those reasons you brought up are real concerns, I would be worried also. 

Its dangerous to stand up to child abuse. 

 

Maybe we could talk about it sometime and explore it. 

[Three]

Thanks, Ivan. That would be great! 

[RandR10]

Your hesitation is understandable because getting this woman to understand how wrong she is in her neglect would likely take at least several hours of discussion and her simultaneous open-mindedness to your arguments.  While your brief intervention won't likely have a lasting effect on the moral action of this woman towards that child, at least you reached out to the child in the moment and made temporary amends.  I guess it's concievable that your extreme act of kindness will stimulate her to rethink her whole parenting technique.  Regardless, your courage is commendable and it's certain that you had nothing but positive effect on that situation, and that what you did was worth it.  Thanks for sharing.

[MMX2010]

Lately, I've been rehearsing my own child-abuse interventions.  And I've noticed that in both before FDR and in the early days of my FDR exposure, my responses have always been angry. Since I begin by channeling anger, and limit my emotional connection to my anger, then my interventions are always hostile, confrontational, impatient, and demanding-of-100%-surrender. 

 

Recently, though, Stefan has said things like, "Once you realize how bad people are at philosophy, it becomes no-longer-offensive that people are bad at philosophy."  Subsequently, I've been imaging much less angry, and much more sympathetic-peaceful interventions. 

 

One that I like (but haven't tried yet) goes something like, "(happy tone, non-sarcasm), I know we've never spoken before, but I bet that if I asked you, 'What's the most important day in your life so far?', you'd probably answer, 'The day that she/he (the child who's currently crying/angry) was born!'  Now I know it's hard to remember that when she/he is crying like this, but, if you'd like, I can remember that for you for about five seconds, until you re-remember it.  Would that be okay with you?" 

 

FDR2721 - You Can't Fix Stupid (first caller) goes very deeply into the negative consequences of being really, really smart as a child and having to manage the emotional-stupidity of your parents.  (It's also where Stefan most firmly stated, "Once you realize how bad people are at philosophy, it becomes no-longer-offensive that people are bad at philosophy." 

 

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Also, it goes without saying, "Disclaimer: I've not tried these tactics myself."  I just hope they're interesting and helpful.