madog marcek Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 so im in a bit of a mental bind. i have been with my partner now for over a year. our sex life is grate and i dont feel like my needs arnt neing met. how ever i still feel an earge to masturbate and look at porn. why do i feel so ahamed at this? i love my partner dearly and when im not fueling the spank bank i dont feel lust for other women. i feel dissatached emotionaly when looking at porn and dont would never consider cheating on my partner... but is it the same thing? do i have more mental problems than i previously thought? recently she found a video i had watched and became very upset. how can i justify looking at that to her when i cant find a reason for justifying it to myself? i feel ashamed that my urges could come in the way of your relation ship and i realy dont know what to say to her. im confused any insight would help thank you
James Dean Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 so im in a bit of a mental bind. i have been with my partner now for over a year. our sex life is grate and i dont feel like my needs arnt neing met. how ever i still feel an earge to masturbate and look at porn. why do i feel so ahamed at this? i love my partner dearly and when im not fueling the spank bank i dont feel lust for other women. i feel dissatached emotionaly when looking at porn and dont would never consider cheating on my partner... but is it the same thing? do i have more mental problems than i previously thought? recently she found a video i had watched and became very upset. how can i justify looking at that to her when i cant find a reason for justifying it to myself? i feel ashamed that my urges could come in the way of your relation ship and i realy dont know what to say to her. im confused any insight would help thank you If your partner feels uncomfortable with it, then you two need to talk that out. Obviously there is nothing morally wrong with looking at porn, and I haven't seen a lot of research to suggest that it may be harmful psychologically in any way, provided you are of legal age in whatever country you occupy there's no legal risk either. Just talk to her about it and be honest, share your sexuality with her. Obviously there is something in your sex life that you find lacking, otherwise you wouldn't be watching the porn, considering your sexuality is healthy, I assume you aren't compulsively masturbating or watching porn. You don't keep eating after you've had a nice meal. Are the sex acts you watch on the videos similar or the same to what you and your partner do in the bedroom? 2
NGardner Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 so im in a bit of a mental bind. i have been with my partner now for over a year. our sex life is grate and i dont feel like my needs arnt neing met. how ever i still feel an earge to masturbate and look at porn I wouldn't say a diet is meeting my needs if I have to take supplements. She is upset because of the same reason you were ashamed, you hid the action.
marina Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Yeah... Porn is fine but in a close relationship, it is something you should be able to watch together or she should at least be aware of it (no secrets) and if she became very upset about it.. then you must discuss it. What upset her? The type of porn (content) or simply finding out you watched it? Examine yourself and figure out what exactly turns you on.. maybe your sex life needs improvement and this isan opportunity to figure that out..for both of you! 1 1
SamuelS Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I was married between the ages of 19-24, and while there was plenty wrong w/ that relationship the sex was great...but I still liked to masturbate...at first she was upset about it but we discussed it and came up with a solution that met everybody's needs -- mutual masturbation...see, sometimes I just wanted to "get off", and I still don't know a quicker way than to take matters into my own hands, but she wanted to be involved, so we figured it out and were able to bond even through masturbation. Hope this helps
thelizardking52 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 male sexuality gets shunned by society. This could be a reason for her disgust (and yours) w/ your masturbation. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't have barriers like that. How would you feel if you caught her in the act? How would she feel? If you guys can touch eachother erotically why should it be wrong to touch yourself. I find nothing wrong with it, nor should you be ashamed. Anyone who says they don't or never have masturbated is either lying or impotent. Another way she can see it, positively, is an outlet for you in which she can be assured that you would never go after another woman. Nevertheless, don't feel ashamed of this. I'm very happily married, and that doesn't mean the hand must retire, nor does my wife expect otherwise. We've had this conversation and she respects that I'm a human with physical desires. Don't be ashamed at all.
NGardner Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 male sexuality gets shunned by society. This could be a reason for her disgust (and yours) w/ your masturbation. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't have barriers like that. How would you feel if you caught her in the act? How would she feel? If you guys can touch eachother erotically why should it be wrong to touch yourself. I find nothing wrong with it, nor should you be ashamed. Anyone who says they don't or never have masturbated is either lying or impotent. Another way she can see it, positively, is an outlet for you in which she can be assured that you would never go after another woman. Nevertheless, don't feel ashamed of this. I'm very happily married, and that doesn't mean the hand must retire, nor does my wife expect otherwise. We've had this conversation and she respects that I'm a human with physical desires. Don't be ashamed at all. They have had a conversation and that is the important bit.
James Dean Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 If you want some incentive to stop. Seems like more incentive to not be a porn star rather than a porn consumer. I share her criticisms of the mainstream porn industry, I think that a lot of those women and men have severe trauma in their past, and they should be helped, not so much to quit porn, but to quit being self-destructive. Like she said, she was addicted to drugs and alcohol, was a prostitute and a stripper, and she tried to kill herself. It sounds like porn wasn't really the problem... it sounds like she was already throwing her life away before the scary porn industry showed up. Edit: It seems like she could do a lot more for the people in the porn industry by trying to change the working conditions in the porn industry. Set up your own porn production company, ensure that your actors not only receive a physical before the shoot, but receive a full psychological evaluation to ensure that they are in perfect mental health and thus won't do anything they consider degrading. This is why I think problems will get solved infinitely more efficient in the free market. There must be much more people willing to pay for "humane" porn ( so to speak ) than people who will deny their own sexuality for the sake of porn star's health. 1 2
NGardner Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Those are the kinds of people that go into porn. Abused souls. Porn continues their exploitation to the point where people you are trusting in are setting you up to get diseases.
Pepin Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Masturbation is quite healthy. There are medical professionals that recommend ejaculating for days a week for cancer prevention and other reasons. For females it is still recommended, but not as much. Strangely enough, people who have more sex also masturbate more according to studies. Nothing wrong with it as long as it isn't an addiction. There are a lot of porn companies now that are much better to their employees. They tend to be the more female friendly ones and owned by women. Provided you get it from those sorts of sources, I see no issue. Amateur is also a good option. If the issue is more with looking at other women, well we don't lose our base attraction when we find a partner. Looking at other women or men ought not degrade your attraction to your partner. I don't understand this viewpoint at all. Personally, I masturbate to relieve stress and to fall asleep. It also feels good, so it is a form of recreation. I use porn to get me off faster. Without it, it takes about an hour, which is too long, especially when the goal is to sleep after.
Frosty Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 It doesn't sound like you're having trouble justifying it to yourself, you know why you do it, you need sexual release in addition to what your relationship provides. It sounds like you have been influenced to think that it's wrong by others around you, maybe your parents, your peers or the church, they are all common culprits. Morally there's nothing wrong with it, it's perfectly normal and healthy both in and outside of a relationship. The main hurdles are handling how it makes your partner feel, it's something you ought to discuss with your partner like adults, it's likely that secrecy about this and the shock of catching you is just as much of the problem as doing it in the first place, once it's out in the open it should be a relatively easy problem to solve, as long as you have an understanding partner.
madog marcek Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 thank you all for your advice and support. we talked last night and came to the root of our feelings. thanks again to all the free domain listeners and thanks to stefan molyneux for creating a place for us to meet
fractional slacker Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 This is not related the OP question but rather the discussion/condemnation of "the porn industry." The video posted about Why Porn Damages Lives is nothing more than an appeal to emotion. It has no philosophical content or arguments. People have sex, and some people have sex in front of camera. It's a matter of aesthetics. I could be wrong, but I see no difference in principle between the porn industry, the tobacco industry, or the ice cream industry. That people were treated badly as children (and possibly exploited) is not the fault of porn consumers anymore than diabetes can be attributed to chocolate lovers.
NGardner Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 This is not related the OP question but rather the discussion/condemnation of "the porn industry." The video posted about Why Porn Damages Lives is nothing more than an appeal to emotion. It has no philosophical content or arguments. People have sex, and some people have sex in front of camera. It's a matter of aesthetics. I could be wrong, but I see no difference in principle between the porn industry, the tobacco industry, or the ice cream industry. That people were treated badly as children (and possibly exploited) is not the fault of porn consumers anymore than diabetes can be attributed to chocolate lovers. Someone is abused. Someone exploits that abuse. You support that exploiter. Allowing the exploiter to continue his exploitation. You see no problem in this. In no way would I restrict someone who wants to watch porn. All I suggested is that if he wanted some incentive to stop he could develop some empathy for the people involved in the industry. Could you watch a video about a woman explaining her terrible past in introduction into the industry and then turn on her porn and masturbate? I could not. 1
Pepin Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Someone is abused. Someone exploits that abuse. You support that exploiter. Allowing the exploiter to continue his exploitation. You see no problem in this. In no way would I restrict someone who wants to watch porn. All I suggested is that if he wanted some incentive to stop he could develop some empathy for the people involved in the industry. Could you watch a video about a woman explaining her terrible past in introduction into the industry and then turn on her porn and masturbate? I could not. There is more complexity to the industry than this generalization. Like I argued in a previous post, the porn industry in the past was pretty wretched, but has improved greatly since the popularity of amateur productions and particular companies that arose to address the issues. It is not to say that there are still not issues with certain distributors, but the consumer now has a choice as to whether they will support companies which employ incredibly shady business practices who only hire emotional wrecks, or those who have a strong interest in the well-being on their employees. If we are to discuss porn as a concept, that is the filming or photography of a person or people in sexual contexts (excluding written material for obvious reasons), then in order to determine the aesthetic ethics of the concept, it is vital to examine the instances which contain the least amount of baggage. This is to say that speaking about the worst practices and experiences within a subset of the industry ought not to be the focus, as what is then being measured is not the concept of porn, but the concept of aesthetically unethical and completely unethical business practices. To make an analogy, in the discussion of the free market, it is not helpful to focus on the unethical business practices that occur in China in assessing the free market, yet rather it is best to look at instances of semi to completely voluntary trade. Some instances to consider are those who masturbate at home and upload it to the internet for free. Many couples will film themselves having sex and upload it to the internet. Some actually start their own business from this. Some will do webcam shows and receive tips, which can amount to a decent amount of money. There is no industry involved and it is difficult to imply necessary psychological issues. It is obviously not the same as wanting to have sex in public or wanting to have strangers watch you masturbate in person. A step beyond this are companies where a couple wants to have sex in front of a production crew in exchange for money. Typically they want to do something interesting and out of their comfort zone and the money is an added benefit. Another example of this are single people who will masturbate in exchange for money at a production studio. I have no intention to attribute motives or reasons for why people do this, but I would claim that for most that this behavior is not unhealthy, which is to say that this is not a broken past throwing someone into abusive situations, as there is no abuse in these contexts. Certainly I can contrive scenarios where it would be someone repeating their history in these instances, but that is likely a minority, and such an issue if found in every industry. The question I would pose is, is there anything wrong with the above instances? If a girl or guy uploads a videos of themselves masturbating to fill the vain need of physical affirmation, would you not be empathizing with them by masturbating to it?
Bipedal Primate Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Someone is abused. Someone exploits that abuse. You support that exploiter. Allowing the exploiter to continue his exploitation. You see no problem in this. In no way would I restrict someone who wants to watch porn. All I suggested is that if he wanted some incentive to stop he could develop some empathy for the people involved in the industry. Could you watch a video about a woman explaining her terrible past in introduction into the industry and then turn on her porn and masturbate? I could not.well said :-)
RyanT Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 The question I would pose is, is there anything wrong with the above instances? If a girl or guy uploads a videos of themselves masturbating to fill the vain need of physical affirmation, would you not be empathizing with them by masturbating to it? That's certainly what I thought until quite recently...after giving up on 'commercial porn' due to the aforementioned ethical qualms, I got quite into a few girls who'd post nudey pictures and videos to tumblr ect. With that idea, 'She's obviously getting pleasure from doing it...everyone's a winner'. Fairly often though, girls would suddenly disappear, only for it to turn out some sad little wierdo had found out who they actually where and decided to 'get their attention' by either 'dropping their dox' or even exposing them to friends, family and work colleges...Potentially skewing up their careers and causing massive turmoil in their personal lives...not to mention the danger of them tracking the girl down to do god knows what..(Something Stef discussed in the show 'The Dangers of BEING a Sex Worker') So they're engaging in some pretty risky/destructive behavior, which encouraging could be seen not as empathy but enablement?
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