Quadrewple Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I will be 23 next month, and I called into "The Bad Philosophy Show" - FDR 2634, and was the last caller (starts at 2:19:35). Since I called into the show I have found a job - unfortunately only part-time, but I still live with my abusive and neglectful father who I hate and have murderous wishes towards. The focus of my therapy since I called into the Sunday Show has been on taking steps to get me out of this miserable hellhole and I've taken the first big step in getting the first job, but am feeling MASSIVE anxiety surrounding the next step which is actually physically leaving. My therapist brought up that I could find a room-share and still have enough to save a small amount each month, and that I could sleep under a bridge somewhere, as the summer nights here are very warm. I am trying to work out a situation where I sleep in a tent in friend's yard in exchange for rent but it's likely not going to happen because he has roommates. I also have the potential to get a second job as my shift is always the same at my current job. I do a trade-out at my local gym (work for membership) so I have access to a shower, shaving cream, and soap and all that. So I'm not all too concerned with the practical matters of getting out, though if anyone has any creative ideas I haven't mentioned, that would also be useful. Mostly, I came here for some emotional support. I realize very clearly now that the reason I quit my job 2 years ago was that I was in an environment where I didn't have intense amounts of anxiety and pain to manage and that I was so heavily inflicted with both of those as a child that for to adapt to being in a peaceful and calm environment felt incredibly dangerous. My own normalization of what I went through made it feel as my safety and security could only be an illusion, and that if I let my guard down, something far worse would happen to me than the terrible things which made me that way in the first place. As I told my therapist, it doesn't feel like my brain is wired for feeling safe - it feels like I'm allergic to being safe, which is more or less a prerequisite for happiness. My struggles day-to-day mostly revolve around recognizing the "fear program" booting up in the moment, in situations which are not dangerous, and trying to manage my response in a way that doesn't make me look crazy. This is particularly bad at work because I work front counter at a fast food place where they expect you to be friendly with customers. I'm always exhausted after work, probably because of the mental gymnastics I have to go through every day dealing with other people who I don't know and being in a working environment where there is very little time to get to know my coworkers (every conversation gets interrupted by a customer). I'm more or less always exhausted anyways, and I know that my hyperactive fear response takes a physical toll on me because I have trouble moving around in a grounded way (a problem which Stef mentioned adults who had insecure bonds as children often have) and have problems with my joints when I exercise the way most people do (I have significant muscle imbalances and joint problems from a sedentary lifestyle). Every single day I catch myself breathing shallowly and have to remind myself to breathe deeply. This honestly probably happens hundreds of times every day, especially on a day when I have work. The fact that I also work at a high-paced job where there are very few gaps of free time makes this worse. I know why I breathe shallowly - it is a way of repressing my lifeforce and by extension my emotions - though knowing this does not make it any easier to stop. I used to distract myself from my constant state of hyperawareness by using it to make people laugh - acting crazy, making funny faces, doing impressions of people, and I was very good at it and made tons of "friends" from it. At some point, I was unable to continue this charade, and fell into depression which lasted 3+ years starting at the age of 15, and only gradually subsided since then. My therapist agrees that I have PTSD, and I have had several emotional flashbacks in the past month - one of which thankfully happened in his office. During these flashbacks, my lips, my forehead, and where the neck meets the skull go numb, and I cry and shake. The worst of these lasted for about 3 hours, and in each one I feel a strong urge to kill myself or other people - especially my parents and family who either stood by or participated in the destruction of my life. As I'm writing this, I'm almost in disbelief of what I'm writing. How could things have gotten this bad for me? How could everyone have let things get this bad? How could they have stood by or participated in turning me into robot programmed for fear? The answer to these questions is clearly that my parents and everyone around them was evil and/or narcissistic. This truth seems nearly impossible to accept emotionally. And of course, the most terrifying question to answer is the one my therapist asked me a few days ago: "Why aren't you using every last bit of energy to leave?" The more I realize how not normal the way I feel on a daily basis is, the more enraged I become, the closer I get to getting out of this terror. I need some people to talk to who understand or have been through similar situations. I feel that I'm on the brink of leaving this place, but I'm asking for more social support to help propel me out and KEEP me out. After all, Stef's title to my call was "Ambition is Social." My Skype name is Karahashianders and I would happy to talk with anyone who responds to this post as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeoCortex Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) Hey man, I hope your doing a little better after you wrote this. Writing always helps me. Everything that has happened to you is not something you can ever change, but you can change the future. We all know this, but the past leaves scar tissue everywhere. Shit ain't easy. My mother committed suicide when I was 1 year old (my brother was 3), I grew up with an alcoholic father ever since. He took no response ability whatsoever. Friends and family from my mothers side always tried to take me away from my father. Just last week I brought my father to another addiction center, this is probably his tenth time going internal. I also almost died in a fire when I was 13, dad's alcoholism intensifies. That year I dropped from the highest level education, since I didn't go to school anymore. These things are horrible, but they have advantages as well. If I did finish my school and had a rich background, I would not be the person I am today (duh). And I am so fucking happy I am the person I am. A hard life for every silver spoon, a shade of gray to every bit of blue. If you want to be an happier person and heal the damage done from your kinship, you have to stop being a victim. Listen, I am not saying you are not a victim, you seem to have gone trough atrocities. Victimhood is a dangerous state of mind. I have been there so many times. But you don't have to be a victim anymore, you can break away the chains which you where born in. You ''just'' have to change your state of mind. Fuck those people, fuck all of them. Don't even start analyzing your situation even more. Don't think about analyzing the actions of the people around you anymore, analyze your own thoughts. How many times do you drift in the shadow which is your past? These habits of ''over analyzing'' the past actually becomes an very unhealthy habit. I can know. I have had dreams of the fire I was in. It was always like it actually happened, but instead of living I died. I actually always hated the fact that I didn't die in my sleep that day. I remember thinking ''the family drama could have ended'', I contemplated suicide for a long time. I learned so much from the constant cycle of victimhood and I would not recommend it to anyone. I know some people will hate me for saying this but; we really do ''romanticize'' our traumatic experiences. Unconscionably solidifying the trauma, repeating time after time. Even if you are the victim, don't be. Edit; I added you on skype If you ever wanna talk about it, there's the chance I am not correctly explaining what I learned from my past; I don't mind elaborating further. Edited July 14, 2014 by NeoCortex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrewple Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Hey man, I hope your doing a little better after you wrote this. Writing always helps me. Everything that has happened to you is not something you can ever change, but you can change the future. We all know this, but the past leaves scar tissue everywhere. Shit ain't easy. My mother committed suicide when I was 1 year old (my brother was 3), I grew up with an alcoholic father ever since. He took no response ability whatsoever. Friends and family from my mothers side always tried to take me away from my father. Just last week I brought my father to another addiction center, this is probably his tenth time going internal. I also almost died in a fire when I was 13, dad's alcoholism intensifies. That year I dropped from the highest level education, since I didn't go to school anymore. These things are horrible, but they have advantages as well. If I did finish my school and had a rich background, I would not be the person I am today (duh). And I am so fucking happy I am the person I am. A hard life for every silver spoon, a shade of gray to every bit of blue. If you want to be an happier person and heal the damage done from your kinship, you have to stop being a victim. Listen, I am not saying you are not a victim, you seem to have gone trough atrocities. Victimhood is a dangerous state of mind. I have been there so many times. But you don't have to be a victim anymore, you can break away the chains which you where born in. You ''just'' have to change your state of mind. Fuck those people, fuck all of them. Don't even start analyzing your situation even more. Don't think about analyzing the actions of the people around you anymore, analyze your own thoughts. How many times do you drift in the shadow which is your past? These habits of ''over analyzing'' the past actually becomes an very unhealthy habit. I can know. I have had dreams of the fire I was in. It was always like it actually happened, but instead of living I died. I actually always hated the fact that I didn't die in my sleep that day. I remember thinking ''the family drama could have ended'', I contemplated suicide for a long time. I learned so much from the constant cycle of victimhood and I would not recommend it to anyone. I know some people will hate me for saying this but; we really do ''romanticize'' our traumatic experiences. Unconscionably solidifying the trauma, repeating time after time. Even if you are the victim, don't be. Edit; I added you on skype If you ever wanna talk about it, there's the chance I am not correctly explaining what I learned from my past; I don't mind elaborating further. I greatly appreciate your post - you went through true hell and it feels good to hear about someone who is on the other side (for lack of a better phrase). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeoCortex Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I greatly appreciate your post - you went through true hell and it feels good to hear about someone who is on the other side (for lack of a better phrase). You can appreciate it all you want but it's not the important thing. The important thing is that you stop being in a negative state of mind. If you do [cycle of self abuse trough victimhood] you literally reinforce the trauma inflicted by your kinship. Infinite possibilities if you can stop dwelling into your dark past, imagine a better future. Every time you get a negative thought, or go over the same negative shit like you always do - stop the fucking thought! Learn a habit to break away from another one. Do note; negative thoughts are not thoughts like ''If I do X, it will help me because Y''. Treat yourself as you would another ''overemotional'' person, calm them the fuck down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrewple Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 You can appreciate it all you want but it's not the important thing. The important thing is that you stop being in a negative state of mind. If you do [cycle of self abuse trough victimhood] you literally reinforce the trauma inflicted by your kinship. Infinite possibilities if you can stop dwelling into your dark past, imagine a better future. Every time you get a negative thought, or go over the same negative shit like you always do - stop the fucking thought! Learn a habit to break away from another one. Do note; negative thoughts are not thoughts like ''If I do X, it will help me because Y''. Treat yourself as you would another ''overemotional'' person, calm them the fuck down. Yes, my therapist has talked to me about creating some self-soothing habits - the most comforting one for me is for me to verbally say aloud "Andrew, you don't have to be afraid," but I don't feel very comfortable doing that when I'm at work. I clearly haven't yet internalized the sound and tone of a voice who comforts me that I can trust, so it helps me to say it aloud and through continuing to do so and with the help of my therapist - that internal voice will gain strength until it is louder or at least more level with the negative ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacbot Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Hi Quadrewple, first you have my empathy for your situation. My advice will sounds a bit against the grain, but I have been perscribed mood stabalizers and they work extreemly really well to get you out of a hole, its like a tetanus shot.., but its not a replacement for good selfexpletory work in the long run. I used it as a good kickstarter. Sorry i missed your conversation with Stef, I will wait till it appears in the podcasts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Green Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Hi Quadrewple, first you have my empathy for your situation. My advice will sounds a bit against the grain, but I have been perscribed mood stabalizers and they work extreemly really well to get you out of a hole, its like a tetanus shot.., but its not a replacement for good selfexpletory work in the long run. I used it as a good kickstarter. Sorry i missed your conversation with Stef, I will wait till it appears in the podcasts The podcast is currently available for listening. On YouTube or on the FDRpodcasts.com site Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacbot Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 The podcast is currently available for listening. On YouTube or on the FDRpodcasts.com site Gracias)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starsky Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Hey Quadrewple, I'm very sorry for the true nightmare you had to go through. I'm currently going through a phase in my life that is letting me have a lot of flashbacks too. I discovered a site that helps me calm down when I suddenly switch to being a little helpless girl again trying to survive a sadistic evil mother: http://pete-walker.com It's a good read and I found the 13 Steps Flashback Management really helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrewple Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Hey Quadrewple, I'm very sorry for the true nightmare you had to go through. I'm currently going through a phase in my life that is letting me have a lot of flashbacks too. I discovered a site that helps me calm down when I suddenly switch to being a little helpless girl again trying to survive a sadistic evil mother: http://pete-walker.com It's a good read and I found the 13 Steps Flashback Management really helpful. Thank you very much, this is quite useful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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