Length of time to recover from a breakup

[freedomfish]

Hello everyone!

 

I was wondering if anyone could verify what I have heard Stef say a few times, I think he said either "it takes half the length of a relationship to recover from it", or "you should wait half the length of your previous relationship before starting a new one."

 

Could anyone confirm what exactly he said and I would really appreciate any links to the studies or facts he is referring to.

 

I ask because I mentioned this to my therapist and he said as far as he knows, someone just made up this guideline arbitrarily, so I would appreciate some facts to back up the claim.

[cynicist]

I could be wrong, but I don't think he was stating a fact or quoting a study. The more time we invest in a relationship the more we are affected emotionally by it, so it makes sense that it would take longer to recover. I also wouldn't recommend approaching relationships as if they are math problems...

[Three]

Grieving is necessary for healing and recovery, so if grief is blocked the recovery process becomes prolonged. Similarly, if you have a broken bone the rate at which it heals would depend upon what kind of fracture and how old you were, to name a few examples. Thus, if you have a therapist,  a pro grieving environment with supportive friends, or have been taught how to grieve by your caregivers you are going to heal faster than someone who is in a destructive environment, who blocks grief with drugs, who is in denial, or who has inherited a  "no grieving(be a man)" policy from their caregivers. Here is some information you might enjoy reading.

http://sfhelp.org/grief/basics.htmI hope that helps. Take care. -Joel

[PatrickC]

It was technically half the time spent in the relationship, as I recall. So 1 year would take 6 months to recover (and mostly process), so to speak. Best wishes for you

 

Sadly I can't recall the podcast he mentioned that on.

[freedomfish]

Thank you everyone for your help!

 

Thanks Robert and I agree that it should not be approached so mathematically. My therapist said I should start dating again when I feel ready. My hesitation with following my feelings is I have a pattern of starting to date pretty fast after the end of a relationship and don't want to repeat that so I was looking for some external rules.

 

Joel, thanks for the video and info about grieving. It is very relevant to my situation. I am allowing myself to feel all my feelings so hopefully the grief does not get blocked.

 

Patrick, thanks so much for validating that Stef actually said this. I can't find the podcast he said it in either. It would be a monumental task to go back and try and find it. But I would still like some clarification on where he got this idea.

[Wesley]

I have also heard the "half the time you were in the relationship" rule of thumb and it makes sense for the most part.

 

I tend to say that you should not date until you know what went wrong with the relationship and why it went wrong and how you can ensure that it will not happen again.

 

Some people just jump right back in the saddle and at least in my experience they almost always repeast the same mistakes over and over again and can never figure out why.

 

If you go on one date and don't like it, it is a simple thing of analyzing some cues that maybe you wouldn't have gone on the date with her in the first place and then you can easily try someone else.

 

If you are with someone for years and you didn't realize that they would cheat on you or something, then that likely is going to be a lengthy process of introspection and digging through childhood stuff as to how you got in that situation and to learn to avoid it.

 

There is no "facts" for the claim, just that if you do not wait and process what happened, then you are almost certain to repeat the same things again.