EricBaker.Linux Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 I decided that from now on if I start to get anxious I will stop the conversation temporarily to deal with my cognitive distortions. Among these are: Fortune-teller error - Thinking, "This conversation is not going to end well." Catastrophizing - "What if they get violent/aggressive?", "What if they will never talk to me again?" Personalization - "They just don't want to listen to what I have to say." Maybe so, but is that more about you or more about them? Should statements - "They should be really interested in this." I'd like them to be interested, but many aren't. I will try to be honest and say to people I'm talking to "I'm feeling a bit concerned as this is an important topic but you don't seem that interested."
DaVinci Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I sometimes get jittery during heated debates, but what exactly do you think is making you feel that way during normal conversation?
Jack Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 People's resistance to self-knowledge drives me to a lot of isolation. It's damn discouraging thinking "No matter how many times I talk to, or debate them, they may never get it. They may never pull themselves out." As for getting people in the matrix to think a little more, I've found that it really helps to start picking at an issue they already have some philosophical sympathy for. For example, if someone says, "Democrats and Republicans are all liars!," I can start talking to them about how the people drawn to politics are naturally more despicable than average. Although, again, I usually get to the point where they get delusional and won't give something up and I fool myself into thinking that some combination of words will get them to see reason. It's depressing.
EricBaker.Linux Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 I sometimes get jittery during heated debates, but what exactly do you think is making you feel that way during normal conversation? Listening to a live call in show, what Stefan is saying sounds right, I'll paraphrase, "You're afraid of taking the same steps that previously lead to negative results" those results were sometimes getting screamed at for just standing for my position on peaceful parenting. No interest from others, no empathy, no curiosity. Just defensiveness, avoidance, etc etc... basically I am afraid people will get aggressive, as I am from sometimes aggressive family. People's resistance to self-knowledge drives me to a lot of isolation. It's damn discouraging thinking "No matter how many times I talk to, or debate them, they may never get it. They may never pull themselves out." For sure man, I get that. Try to find people you can relate to in some way, because good quality relationships are important. Feel free to elaborate if you like.
tjt Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 It sounds like you are definitely on to something. This is kind of similar to a problem that I've noticed some women have. They cry easily when their emotions are piqued--in fact there was a recent female caller who kept crying throughout the call. This happens even though they would like to engage in a serious conversation. I am guilty of this sometimes, and I'm working to gain control of it. I realize that it comes from being verbally and emotionally attacked by my dad when I was a child, which resulted in some formal punishment such as a spanking. As a defense mechanism (and out of complete fear), I would start crying hoping that he would pity me (this was all subconscious at the time of course). So now, when conversations are getting heated and I feel defensive, anxious, or worried, I cry. Well, actually now I just choke through my urge to cry... like I said I'm working on it It can be a little embarrassing, but I cut myself some slack because I have that empathy. It still sucks because it can be unintentionally manipulative to the person I'm talking with. Anyways, choking through it and learning it's origins has helped me a little. I think that our scenarios could be pretty similar. Did a little research, and the uncontrollable criers either made one of two suggestions most frequently: 1. Take a break from the conversation - some even said to find a restroom and grin in the mirror at yourself 2. Give the person you're talking to a disclaimer - one woman said that she explains to the other person "my brain is wired such that I cry when I feel frustrated or confused... I appreciate your patience and understanding because I'd like to continue this conversation" A little weird, but maybe you can find something useful in all this. Of course, these techniques don't mean anything unless you find the root cause and work on that. So it kind of sounds like you are leading with self work and falling back on something similar to option one, which in theory I think would be a good solution. Let us know how it goes. -All the best
EricBaker.Linux Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 It sounds like you are definitely on to something. This is kind of similar to a problem that I've noticed some women have. They cry easily when their emotions are piqued--in fact there was a recent female caller who kept crying throughout the call. This happens even though they would like to engage in a serious conversation. I am guilty of this sometimes, and I'm working to gain control of it. I realize that it comes from being verbally and emotionally attacked by my dad when I was a child, which resulted in some formal punishment such as a spanking. As a defense mechanism (and out of complete fear), I would start crying hoping that he would pity me (this was all subconscious at the time of course). So now, when conversations are getting heated and I feel defensive, anxious, or worried, I cry. Well, actually now I just choke through my urge to cry... like I said I'm working on it It can be a little embarrassing, but I cut myself some slack because I have that empathy. It still sucks because it can be unintentionally manipulative to the person I'm talking with. Anyways, choking through it and learning it's origins has helped me a little. I think that our scenarios could be pretty similar. Did a little research, and the uncontrollable criers either made one of two suggestions most frequently: 1. Take a break from the conversation - some even said to find a restroom and grin in the mirror at yourself 2. Give the person you're talking to a disclaimer - one woman said that she explains to the other person "my brain is wired such that I cry when I feel frustrated or confused... I appreciate your patience and understanding because I'd like to continue this conversation" A little weird, but maybe you can find something useful in all this. Of course, these techniques don't mean anything unless you find the root cause and work on that. So it kind of sounds like you are leading with self work and falling back on something similar to option one, which in theory I think would be a good solution. Let us know how it goes. -All the best Yeah, it does sound similar to what your describing for yourself and others. We feel frustrated, confused, and anxious because we're trying to protect ourselves from our parents. I wish you the best in working on this too, as it can be pretty difficult.
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