How to best prepare for a call to FDR?

[Ady Sheerer]

I have a private call with Stefan coming up in about a month and I was wondering if you could give me some pointers on how to best prepare for it (not talking about preparing a narrative of course).

If you already called in the show please share your experience with me. What did you wish you would have done before hand and what did you do wrong during the call?

If you did not call in the show you could still share your thoughts with me. What do you think a caller should do in order to insure the best experience possible for him or herself?

Thank you.

 

[_LiveFree_]

Be prepared to be completely honest.

 

Any other preparation is counter productive.

[Brook Warren]

I value what Nathan said, but that is not my position on being prepared.

 

I'm waiting until I feel prepared before attempting to schedule a show.  Here are some of the things I'm doing:

 

I came to the conclusion that people should spend a lot of time being able to answer this question:

 

"How was your childhood?"

 

Instead of answering it with "uhm" or "what do you mean?" or "can you be specific?" and then saying something that they completely contradict for the next 45 minutes as Stefan helps them become aware.

 

And I believe people who can't answer that question with an obviously indicated amount of self discovery and effort behind it, probably aren't quite as balanced or mentally healthy as they could be.

 

So I started writing a document that details my childhood and the time leading out of my childhood.  It covers all of the people that had an impact on my life.  It covers all of the major categories I've thought up that I feel I should have thought about:

 

Relationships with individual family members

Fights

Spankings

Intimate Relationships

Sexuality

Injury

Public School

Close Friends

Religion

Politics

Medical Conditions

Near Death Experiences

Playing Sports

Substance abuse

My thoughts on my own hypervigilance

My problem with barking dogs.

My problem with people slamming doors.

And some other things.

 

In one day I wrote 11953 words in that document.  I don't know how long it will get, possibly twice the size it is now; I've covered most of the serious stuff.  I'm considering trying to clean it up and condense it down to something more concise and less of a thought flow... and then possible sharing it in the private forum.

 

Once I'm finished with my document, I'm going to talk to all of the main people that I wrote about in it and discuss all of the things with them that I am convinced need to be discussed.  I've read RTR and NVC and feel I can put these concepts to practice. RTR is what opened me to being ok with my buried feelings about my family.  Or put another way: it's ok to hate your father and mother. Not because it said it was ok. Instead, it just helped me realize how I actually felt, and once I realized it, of course it was ok to feel that way.  NVC on the other hand is what gave me some language tactics to communicate with them.  Especially my mother.  The first productive conversation I had with my mother in about, well, ever, happened after I spent about a month reading and practicing NVC.

 

Then I'm going to start seeing a therapist and work with them to identify the things I should be focused on with my mental health.

 

Then I'm going to consider calling into the show, if I feel I need to.

 

At the very least, spend a lot of time on these questions:

 

1) How is your relationship with your mother?

2) How is your relationship with you father?

 

Or at the very least, your primary care givers or whoever replaced these roles, or whoever had the most significant impacts in your childhood.

 

I recommend writing your thoughts down about these questions, and talking to someone else about them if you can.  Writing my thoughts about these questions was extremely helpful for a lot of reasons, such as being able to go back to read over and detect where I had gone into a passive voice, where the people form the past start basically speaking for me in their defense, and it really helped me think through the details and ramifications of things that I obviously haven't dealt with.  That really just scratches the surface of why it's useful.

[MMX2010]

I've never called into the show, but am currently listening to Stefan's Introduction to Philosophy podcasts. 

 

In them, he describes the goal of philosophy as "returning the mind to an ideal state (called virtue, clarity, or healing), which was produced for two reasons: (1) the mind is prone to error, and (2) the solutions required to restore the mind to an ideal state are NOT obvious".  (If they were "obvious", then you'd be "stupid" for experiencing whatever confusion is bothering you; you aren't stupid.)

 

So definitely be prepared to talk about your childhood.  (Brook Warren's list of relationship-questions is excellent.)  But also be prepared to experience your own deep resistance against talking about your childhood.  And, more importantly, be prepared to experience either anxiety, hope, or anxiety-then-hope as you're exposed to a counter-intuitive solution. 

 

More than anything, DO NOT censor whatever feelings you experience, especially the negative ones, because they're the most important.    Be angry, sad, confused, lost, overwhelmed, or whatever - and express those emotions clearly and simply. 

 

Hope that helped. 

[_LiveFree_]

I have called into the show and I have listened to almost all of the shows (i've got a couple of hundred left to listen to). A bum off the street who is capable of being completely honest will have a better go at an FDR call-in show than an FDR member who prepares a narrative for Stef. If a call-in show goes the way you predict or hope it will, then you have likely missed a major opportunity. A call-in show is not a therapy session, it is a conversation with two people being 100% honest (hopefully) with each other. 

 

Two people being completely honest in a conversation hardly ever happens. That is why these shows are so amazing. 

 

In short, prepare your bravery, your guts, your balls, your ovaries, your heart, whatever. Your mind already contains everything it needs. 

[Culain]

From what I've seen in these shows is that goal is for Stefan to help you connect with yourself. Don't try and think about how you can conform and please Stef's/viewers expectations because the show is not about him, In order to feel and learn from empathy one must be willing to expose themselves, but know that it is a two way street or double edged sword.

[Ady Sheerer]

A bum off the street who is capable of being completely honest will have a better go at an FDR call-in show than an FDR member who prepares a narrative for Stef.

Thank you for sharing this with me but as I specifically said in my initial question I am not planning on preparing a narrative. Being open, honest and having a real time conversation is pretty much a given.However there is math to be done like for example how many times one was spanked. I do not want to waste the precious time of this call trying to count and add up when I could just do the math before hand. Journaling also helps with organizing one's thoughts in general so I think that is also a good thing to do. My question was pertaining to these sorts of things that one could prepare for in order to help the conversation move along more smoothly and save precious time. If you can think of anything that might help me, please let me know. This kind of information would be very much appreciated and rest assured that I will not dare prepare a narrative. I completely agree that it would be extremely counter productive. 

[Triumph]

Not that I have been in that situation yet, but I think it would be helpful to list all the major life changing events.  And if it is pertaining to a specific relationship, list the major events specific to that. 

 

It is just observation, but the conversations seem to be led astray frequently because callers aren't open about such things and their major impacts on their lives.  They wait for Stefan to ask them a question before divulging the information.  Then Stefan has to rewind in order to once again move forward. 

 

I don't think you need to read it off like a list, but have it handy so you can bring it up when such histories are relevant. 

[_LiveFree_]

Thank you for sharing this with me but as I specifically said in my initial question I am not planning on preparing a narrative. Being open, honest and having a real time conversation is pretty much a given.However there is math to be done like for example how many times one was spanked. I do not want to waste the precious time of this call trying to count and add up when I could just do the math before hand. Journaling also helps with organizing one's thoughts in general so I think that is also a good thing to do. My question was pertaining to these sorts of things that one could prepare for in order to help the conversation move along more smoothly and save precious time. If you can think of anything that might help me, please let me know. This kind of information would be very much appreciated and rest assured that I will not dare prepare a narrative. I completely agree that it would be extremely counter productive.

Without knowing specifically what you are calling about, how can anyone answer your question? If you are calling about a specific topic, which I assume you are, then how is it that you would need to prepare? Don't you already know everything you can but have reached an impass creating the need for help? If you are unclear about how to proceed in your situation, and you are calling in for outside perspectives and assistance, how can organizing your thoughts in the same manner that you have, with the goal of having a more productive call, produce any better results? Now if you were calling in to debate Stef, then yes, uber preparation on the debate topic would be necessary. But I assume since the call is a personal call and not a call in show, that it is not a debate but pertains to your life's circumstances. You can never be more of an expert on anything other than your life because you live it non-stop. This is what I mean by 'everything you need in your brain is already there'. Calculating the approximate times you were spanked can be done in seconds. Stef and Mike have done that multiple times on the show live. I bet that you have been pursuing self-knowledge for a while now. Just keep doing that. Don't "prepare" anything for the call except the bravery to say exactly what you are thinking and feeling. All of the organizing of thoughts and getting specific facts helps your self-knowledge in the long run. I'm not saying don't do those things. What I am saying is don't do these things because you have a call with Stef. Again, this call is likely to go in a direction that you haven't anticipated, which is precisely why you are calling in the first place. Stef will ask for a lot of information, but likely less than you think. And the information that you give isn't so much as important as your ability to emotionally connect with the experiences those bits of information represent. The most important thing I can suggest is to ask your question outright within the first few minutes of the call (in one sentence if you can). Be precise about why you are calling and allow the conversation to flow freely. Pie graphs, detailed timelines, data sheets and budgets are great for self-knowledge and you should pursue them for you. Let the call be just what it is, a conversation among two equals. And remember, he won't publish the call unless you say he can. So don't hold back anything. Maybe that's a great place to start if you are dead set on preparing. Relentlessly inquire yourself about what you're holding back from. Why are you stuck. Why do you feel you need to call. A lot can happen in a month. Maybe by the time the call comes around you are asking a completely different question. So to sum up, as long as you're being honest you won't be wasting any time. The conversation will unfold naturally. If you are daily pursuing self-knowledge, which is the act of being honest with yourself and thus practicing honesty, then you are practicing the one skill you need to have a great call. Podcast 2750 was a great example. Too much monkey brain, not enough cow bell. So if you read my whole post, what are you feeling now? What emotions and sensations arose when you were reading it?

[Ady Sheerer]

 

So if you read my whole post, what are you feeling now? What emotions and sensations arose when you were reading it?

 

That is a fantastic question! Thank you so much for asking and for your interest.   Starting at the beginning:I thought you had a point about me not explaining what the call will be about. It would have been much easier to answer my question if I would have disclosed the subject. The truth is I don't really know for sure. When I set the call I had a topic in mind and a question. However, since then I experienced a lot of positive change in my life. I got really motivated to work through some of my problems while waiting for the call and it didn't take me too long to realize that my initial question to Stef was something that I could very well solve on my own since he has countless of podcasts that answered it in any possible way. The only thing that I really needed to do was to get off my ass and actually start doing the things that I already knew I should do.   Booking this call put a lot of fire under my ass and gave me the motivation that I was lacking before.Since then, there have been many questions and topics that have popped in my mind but I didn't really settle on a specific one yet. I will let the remaining time pass and see which one is the most important to me at the time of the call. I apologize for not giving you guys more information to work with but I do not really have it myself. Also, I think this could be a good thread for other people to read if we keep it focused on general preparations for the calls. Next, I thought that your question about me having reached an impass and creating a need for help was pretty loaded. Wanting to bounce ideas, to connect and to exchange experiences with the FDR community is not an unusual thing here. Isn't this the actual purpose of it? I asked this question not because I need help with an impass but because I desired to hear other people's stories and I hoped to connect with them. I asked this question because I was trying to work on and practice being connected with others which is part of my preparation process for this call.  How could this be viewed as an impass? I actually feel more positive about this call with every day that passes. The good part is that I actually connected deeply with one of the people that responded here, befriended him and we already exchanged a few private messages. Reading further your reply I can tell you that your assumption about me being unclear about how to proceed made me feel very disconnected from you and made me think that maybe you won't have anything positive to offer that could actually help or benefit me in any way.  I did not call for assistance just for some pointers. I asked my question hoping to start a conversation where people could exchange ideas and share their own experiences with me and with each other.  I also thought that you were completely disregarding many shows in which listeners have taken a long time contradicting themselves on the number of times they were spanked in order to stick to your point. Calculating on air how many times a caller was spanked rarely takes seconds if the caller does not have that info prepared. Reading this I felt disconnected again thinking that you desperately needed to convince me not to pursue any form of preparation for this call and I wondered why did you feel that strong about it.   I completely agreed with you when you said that this call is going to go in an unexpected direction. In fact I hope it will, otherwise there would be no reason to waste Stef's time with a conversation that I can draft myself at home... on my charts... and on my pie graphs. However, Stef has a few questions that he usually asks most of the listeners and although I do not wish to control the conversation, I would like to be prepared to deliver that information in a concise manner.I also felt bad for thinking that you won't have anything of value to offer when I got to read your suggestion for how to best prepare for this call. Although you reiterated several times your stand against making any preparations I do thank you for going back on it and sharing with me some really useful insights. I think your advice about asking my question outright and being precise about it is really helpful and exactly the kind of thing that I was looking for. Although this was something that I already thought about, I think it will benefit other people that might be interested in reading this thread. Thank you for adding that value. Your advice made me feel a little bit more connected to you.   But that was a short lived feeling since immediately after those good insights, you very wittingly implied that I was planning on drafting pie charts, detailed timelines, data sheets and... (wait for it) even budgets.  I felt sad thinking that you were trying a bit too hard to portray me in a certain image that you created in your own mind of me. I seemed to me that you were trying to denigrate me and I suspected that maybe your strong opinion about me not preparing for this call trumped your capacity for empathy and connection in that moment.But then you came back around again. I felt good about your advice about inquiring myself about the things that I might be holding back from and about the reason why I want to call was really good. I thank you for it and I appreciate you sharing this with me. Also the podcast suggestion was fantastic! I will definitely check it out.I felt very sad when, at the end of you message, you chose not to address the fact that you payed very little attention to my initial question but somehow felt connected enough to post three replies to it.  But then... I felt exhilarated when you asked about my feelings. I really wanted to share with you my experience of reading your post since it was such a roller-coaster. I just wasn't sure if you wanted to hear about it. I hope this satisfies your curiosity my friend and that it will also help you in your own pursuit of self knowledge. Now, if you would be so kind to indulge me with a question, I am also extremely curious about something.You posted twice the same opinion regarding my question, slowly escalating the tone of the conversation to a more and more passionate one. You also seem to have some preconceived idea of me sitting at my desk and drafting some sort of plan and complicated graphs in order to sabotage myself. I do not think that anything that I've said or done could ever bring you to this conclusion. So here's my question:Why is it so important to you that I do not prepare for this call? 

[Devon Gibbons]

I believe Brook pointed out the essentials for anybody who is calling in: reflecting on the relationships you have currently, have had, and will have with your parents and endless curiosity about your feelings, positive and negative. Understand that your negative thoughts or behaviors were not originally yours, but that they are yours now, and only you can change them.

[MMX2010]

 Understand that your negative thoughts or behaviors were not originally yours, but that they are yours now, and only you can change them.

 

I've listened to Stef's podcasts for about 8 months, but I also recently turned 38. 

 

I like your statement a lot, even though it feels like a punch I the stomach, because I'm 38 and must therefore accept responsibility for healing the damage that my parents caused. 

[_LiveFree_]

 

 

 

That is a fantastic question! Thank you so much for asking and for your interest.   Starting at the beginning:I thought you had a point about me not explaining what the call will be about. It would have been much easier to answer my question if I would have disclosed the subject. The truth is I don't really know for sure. When I set the call I had a topic in mind and a question. However, since then I experienced a lot of positive change in my life. I got really motivated to work through some of my problems while waiting for the call and it didn't take me too long to realize that my initial question to Stef was something that I could very well solve on my own since he has countless of podcasts that answered it in any possible way. The only thing that I really needed to do was to get off my ass and actually start doing the things that I already knew I should do.   Booking this call put a lot of fire under my ass and gave me the motivation that I was lacking before.Since then, there have been many questions and topics that have popped in my mind but I didn't really settle on a specific one yet. I will let the remaining time pass and see which one is the most important to me at the time of the call. I apologize for not giving you guys more information to work with but I do not really have it myself. Also, I think this could be a good thread for other people to read if we keep it focused on general preparations for the calls. Next, I thought that your question about me having reached an impass and creating a need for help was pretty loaded. Wanting to bounce ideas, to connect and to exchange experiences with the FDR community is not an unusual thing here. Isn't this the actual purpose of it? I asked this question not because I need help with an impass but because I desired to hear other people's stories and I hoped to connect with them. I asked this question because I was trying to work on and practice being connected with others which is part of my preparation process for this call.  How could this be viewed as an impass? I actually feel more positive about this call with every day that passes. The good part is that I actually connected deeply with one of the people that responded here, befriended him and we already exchanged a few private messages. Reading further your reply I can tell you that your assumption about me being unclear about how to proceed made me feel very disconnected from you and made me think that maybe you won't have anything positive to offer that could actually help or benefit me in any way.  I did not call for assistance just for some pointers. I asked my question hoping to start a conversation where people could exchange ideas and share their own experiences with me and with each other.  I also thought that you were completely disregarding many shows in which listeners have taken a long time contradicting themselves on the number of times they were spanked in order to stick to your point. Calculating on air how many times a caller was spanked rarely takes seconds if the caller does not have that info prepared. Reading this I felt disconnected again thinking that you desperately needed to convince me not to pursue any form of preparation for this call and I wondered why did you feel that strong about it.   I completely agreed with you when you said that this call is going to go in an unexpected direction. In fact I hope it will, otherwise there would be no reason to waste Stef's time with a conversation that I can draft myself at home... on my charts... and on my pie graphs. However, Stef has a few questions that he usually asks most of the listeners and although I do not wish to control the conversation, I would like to be prepared to deliver that information in a concise manner.I also felt bad for thinking that you won't have anything of value to offer when I got to read your suggestion for how to best prepare for this call. Although you reiterated several times your stand against making any preparations I do thank you for going back on it and sharing with me some really useful insights. I think your advice about asking my question outright and being precise about it is really helpful and exactly the kind of thing that I was looking for. Although this was something that I already thought about, I think it will benefit other people that might be interested in reading this thread. Thank you for adding that value. Your advice made me feel a little bit more connected to you.   But that was a short lived feeling since immediately after those good insights, you very wittingly implied that I was planning on drafting pie charts, detailed timelines, data sheets and... (wait for it) even budgets.  I felt sad thinking that you were trying a bit too hard to portray me in a certain image that you created in your own mind of me. I seemed to me that you were trying to denigrate me and I suspected that maybe your strong opinion about me not preparing for this call trumped your capacity for empathy and connection in that moment.But then you came back around again. I felt good about your advice about inquiring myself about the things that I might be holding back from and about the reason why I want to call was really good. I thank you for it and I appreciate you sharing this with me. Also the podcast suggestion was fantastic! I will definitely check it out.I felt very sad when, at the end of you message, you chose not to address the fact that you payed very little attention to my initial question but somehow felt connected enough to post three replies to it.  But then... I felt exhilarated when you asked about my feelings. I really wanted to share with you my experience of reading your post since it was such a roller-coaster. I just wasn't sure if you wanted to hear about it. I hope this satisfies your curiosity my friend and that it will also help you in your own pursuit of self knowledge. Now, if you would be so kind to indulge me with a question, I am also extremely curious about something.You posted twice the same opinion regarding my question, slowly escalating the tone of the conversation to a more and more passionate one. You also seem to have some preconceived idea of me sitting at my desk and drafting some sort of plan and complicated graphs in order to sabotage myself. I do not think that anything that I've said or done could ever bring you to this conclusion. So here's my question:Why is it so important to you that I do not prepare for this call? 

 

 

Ok, i think you're right. We're getting off track here. To answer your question, I didn't say you should not prepare. I said you should prepare to be honest, any other preparation would be counter productive. What is important to me is this topic. Good callers are so exciting and insightful to listen to. Bad callers can't tell the truth. 

 

Let's start again if you want. What are some things you've done already to prepare for your call? 

[DrTruthiness]

Never called in (yet), but I would say this:

 

Distill your question into the most simple, one-sentence, potent, hard-hitting quetion you can.

 

Explained: One of Stef's most appreciatable qualties is that he'll go on at length about how he really sees a situation. One of the most unfortunate qualities of the callers is that they'll ask the REAL question/add the REAL details at the end. Oh God that breaks my fucking heart. Stef will go 40 minutes about a situation, but then caller will throw in something SUPER relevant like "My boyfriend also physically hits me and locks me in the goddamn basement". Ohhhhh that KILLS me!