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Just sent this to my mother


NGardner

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I haven't seen her since Christmas. She asked me if I was avoiding her. 

 

I am avoiding you. I have been examining my childhood and I can't forgive you for what occurred.  I can't trust you.  The children you claim to love should never have been exposed to such toxic abuse. You may think that I have had lots of good times with my stepdad, but I would trade them all to have never been exposed to his verbal abuse. It was an experience that has scarred all your children. I am currently trying to repair the emotional damage I experienced as a child. It hurts to get screamed at by a large man, it hurts more to watch someone who "loves" you continue to allow this influence to be in your life. You were supposed to protect me from people like this, but instead you actively brought this person into my life. I thought that maybe I might have been overreacting but it has haunted me into the present.  I am emotionally fucked up. When I'm vulnerable I shut down completely, turning off all my emotions. This has made it impossible to engage with people on any meaningful subject. It is a like a form of emotional PTSD. I have been attacked so many times in an emotional state that I now assume an attack is coming whenever I open myself up to someone. I can no longer overlook what happens in your home and laugh like it's a joke. Its abuse. You are not a victim in it, but an active participant. I will not feel comfortable entering that toxic environment again. I'm in tears right now. I don't want to hear excuses for your behavior. There is no excuse for not protecting your children. I am starting therapy next week to hopefully salvage my broken soul. Please let me heal. 

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I'm so sorry for what you went through. I hope your mother responds with some level of curiosity and that you are finding people you can talk to about your experiences past and present. I can identify with having a mother who brings horrible people into your life, and what that does to your ability to empathize with yourself later in life. 

 

Cheryl

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Wow, that is a powerful message. Congratulations for taking a brave and honest stand! Did you attempt to talk to her about her second husband's verbal abuse over Christmas and not gain much traction?

 

I hope you realize that she will most likely not honor your final request for healing. Once she realizes that you are going incommunicado, she will get scared and seek you out.

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I am so sorry about the abuse you endured. I think that message is powerful and drives the point home. It's wonderful that you are seeking therapy. I would also suggest keeping a journal to recall all of your childhood experiences and thoughts, if you haven't already. Wish you the best.

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I also echo everyone's sadness for what you went through. 

 

But more importantly, if this is the first message you've ever sent to your mother regarding your childhood abuse, this will feel (to her) like either "lashing out", "suffering an emotional breakdown", and/or "falling victim to some unknown negative influence that tore you away from her".  As such, you should expect her to pursue you, rather than acknowledge your request for distance (as EndTheUsurpation) indicated. 

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Thanks for all the support. 

 

 

Here is what i got in reply. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What a complete lack of thought, sympathy and empathy in return to me pouring my heart out. My decision to defoo is reinforced by her response to my complete honesty. 

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What strikes me is the distance. She didn't respond specifically or curiously to anything you said. 

 

"I'm sorry you feel this (strange) way and I hope you get to a place (over there) where you feel better.... You might consider talking to your therapist (but not to me)." 

 

Is she calling you a narcissist? 

 

"(I) won't ever change." 

 

The "you might want to read what I'm reading" part is angering on several levels.

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Ngardner I feel for you man. I sat down one afternoon and spent 3-4 hours composing an e-mail of all my thoughts and adverse childhood experiences for my mother to read and understand how she was involved in those experiences. It was a very difficult message to write but I wanted to write it with the intention of leaving myself with no regrets and saying everything I needed to.

 

The reply I received was not unexpected, actually I almost fully expected it but it still dug at my heart because I still had some hope that maybe if I exposed myself enough she could learn to have empathy. She replied in a manner where she took no burden of responsibility for any my adverse experiences, it was all my fault.

 

Some people are completely devoid of empathy and the ability at which they attempt to fake it is truly disburbing.

As Stef said in a recent show (paraphrased): It's the insidious dangers that you need to worry about the most. The evils which present itself as good are the most harmful to us as a whole.

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Nick, I'm sorry you feel this way and I hope you get to a place where you feel better. I only want the best for you.You might consider talking to your therapist about cycles of abuse and narcissistic personality disorders

 

I am always here for you.

 

and I can tell you all of this straightfaced because I am not your mom, that is, I did not allow the trauma to happen.

 

 

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What strikes me is the distance. She didn't respond specifically or curiously to anything you said. 

 

"I'm sorry you feel this (strange) way and I hope you get to a place (over there) where you feel better.... You might consider talking to your therapist (but not to me)." 

 

Is she calling you a narcissist? 

 

"(I) won't ever change." 

 

The "you might want to read what I'm reading" part is angering on several levels.

 

Yeah I wasn't sure if she was calling me a narcissist  or herself. Given the emotional distance from herself the whole reply she was probably saying I was the narcissist. O boy! 

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I'm very sorry to hear that, and for the fact that you had to write it in the first place.

I felt, as I read it, that I could connect on quite a few points. Still yet to get heavy on my mum. Still dependent.

Anyway, I hope that whatever happens is for the best and that it all 'works out' as best it can now...

 

What you wrote is very strong and brave.

Hopefully you can regain some further strength from the therapy (it's great imo) and finally move on.

In regards to therapy and self knowledge and healing in general, I highly recommend you give some of Daniel Mackler's videos a look

https://www.youtube.com/user/dmackler58/videos

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I sent the conversation, between my mother and I, to my siblings. I really want them to get the full story so that I am not painted by my mother as outrageous of selfish. My older sister has shown me more sympathy than my mother already. She currently is of the mind to forgive, but never forget. 

I will have to say this experience was incredibly liberating. If you have not told abusive parents the honest truth I highly recommend it. I was ridden with guilt for not visiting my mother before this. Now the truth is out and I don't have any guilt not visiting. I can now dispel the myth of my mother as a good person in bad circumstances. She is not a nice person and her reaction is all I need to confirm my past abuses. 

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Sorry to hear about your childhood, I hope therapy helps and you can move past it.

 

I didn't bother writing a letter or discussing my childhood to either of my parents, they both moved away from me in early adult hood and it didn't take much to let the relationship dwindle, as I've got older and as I've watched more philosophy shows and thought about this issue, your parents are just other people, nothing special, just someone you have a biologically programmed bias to give preferential treatment to.

 

I know that my mother is fairly uneducated and don't know much about my father, but they're both not very smart people, I don't think either of them really knew anything about parenting, certainly not the kind of information we have today on how to raise children well, and a lot of that isn't even their fault. I'm saying this not to excuse them but to point out that it would require a lot of education to really make them understand the error of their ways and it's just not worth the effort, they're not having anymore children they can't really do anything to undo the damage so what's the point.

 

I've been considering therapy for myself regarding my childhood, I'm trying to think of a motivator to make myself go.

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I sent the conversation, between my mother and I, to my siblings. I really want them to get the full story so that I am not painted by my mother as outrageous of selfish. My older sister has shown me more sympathy than my mother already. She currently is of the mind to forgive, but never forget. 

I will have to say this experience was incredibly liberating. If you have not told abusive parents the honest truth I highly recommend it. I was ridden with guilt for not visiting my mother before this. Now the truth is out and I don't have any guilt not visiting. I can now dispel the myth of my mother as a good person in bad circumstances. She is not a nice person and her reaction is all I need to confirm my past abuses. 

Good for you Nick.  that was a good letter and I was actually surprised by her response.  Getting a "I'm sorry you feel this way" from someone who has hurt you is a real kicker for sure.  She did not show any empathy or sincere sympathy or curiosity, or take any responsibility.  The part about narcissism sure says a lot, I am just not sure what.  I don't think she is calling herself a narcissist but her response is exactly the kind of thing a narcissist would write.  Good luck, looks like you are on the right track.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

NGardner, I really empathize with you.  If I was to write a letter to my mother (whom I've been avoiding for months/years), it would be very similar in nature. I commend you for confronting her about it, it must have been very difficult.  

It has been extremely freeing. I no longer invest time being anxious about our relationship. No guilt, no fear. I don't know your situation but I suggest everyone should write an honest letter to their parents. 

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That "Sorry you feel this way" kind of response you got really pisses me off. It is unbelievable how little responsibility many parents take for their actions, mine included whom I recently got a similar response from in person.

 

Had my first appointment with the therapist. It went really well. Very understanding of the situation. 

 

I know therapy is something Steph often recommends people go into to help heal themselves but I haven't gone yet myself. What kind's of things did the therapist ask and tell you? What process did you go through for finding a good one?

 

It's so aweful when you find out that gut feeling you had all along about people who claimed to love you was utterly spot on.

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  • 7 months later...

15 months since my last contact with my mother. I don't think about her more than once every two weeks. Its very weird like she is dead. She did try to see me when I was visiting my nephews. I decided not to go and this is what happened. I took out my family's names.

(my sister)

Hey Nick. Great to see you and meet X the other day Just wanted to let you know that (stepdad) is never allowed back at our house nor am I every going to visit again. He and Mom came to visit yesterday and he yelled at (my son) at the top of his lungs, lost his temper and used profanity in front of my children. Unbelievable! (my son) was so upset and hurt and I am furious! Mom was very embarrassed and horrified he acted liked that and sent me a text saying her and (stepdad) were done. I hope this is the final straw for her and she realizes that (stepdad) has damaged her relationship with you and now because of him there is a strain in my and hers relationship and with the boys. Anyways...take care and have a good holiday

 

then a few days later

Hi Nick. I know you are not talking to Mom right now but she wanted me to tell you that she and X are welcome to come to the cottage for Thanksgiving. After the whole (stepdad) and (my son) thing she felt really bad and was thinking if that is the way he treated you and made you feel she feels awful and is very sorry. That incident that day was the last straw and her and (stepdad) are separated now although still living together. They plan to sell the house after a year when they get divorced and then I don't know where Mom and Grandma will be going

 

I feel good knowing I have shed light on an abusive situation and my sisters are now starting to take action following my example to disengage with abusers. Just an update for anyone who is interested

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