Go to Wedding, Or Not? Bad Person, Or Not?

[Nightly]

Hello FDR community!

 

I'm In a bit of a jam, and not too sure what exactly to do. The question Is a bit more complex than the title, so let me get Into with a bit more detail. I hope this Is the right section, It seems to be. Sorry if It Is not, please move It If so.

 

If you're not In for a long(ish) read, this may not be for you Got lost typing, wasn't supposed to be this long.

 

The wedding In question Is my Sisters wedding, and she will be here at my house later on In the day to stay for the week. Her wedding Is on Saturday, August 2nd. The thing that Is making me not want to go to the wedding Is my Dad (I mean sperm donor at this point).

 

Without going Into full details of the past 4 years of hell (still hard today), my dad came back from his tours In Iraq/Afghanistan (Infantry) with PTSD. He was never really a good father, mainly because when he was home, we wouldn't really spend any kind of time together growing up. Didn't learn a thing from him. He was kind of "just there". Refused any type of marriage counseling both pre and post tours. Kind of just nothingness and slight anger from him every now and then. Apparently It was good In the beginning, which I do remember.

 

After coming back with "PTSD", he became very angry (even admitted to me at 15 he enjoyed the rage It gives him). Refused all forms of counseling to help regain at least some of his mental health. Became a VERY angry person, and again refused marriage counseling. My parents ended up getting a divorce, with my father completing walking out on me, my older sister and younger brother. My mom gave up her job, and education because she didn't want someone else raising her children, to be a stay at home parent.

 

Dirt poor at that point. Eviction notices at the door multiple times per month poor (still In that situation). Me not telling my family I was not eating so they would have more food poor. Father on the other side of the country threatening my mom he was just going to come up and pick my little brother up from school, and she wouldn't even know when he would do It If he did It. Always staying In the line that "he Is not saying" he Is going to do It. She then proceeded to have my brother do online school at home. Only way I found out about the threats Is I noticed a trend of my mom crying when she read emails, so I decided to see If she was still signed on to read them, and did secretly. He was saying nasty horrible things to her. Some just nasty Insults, others somewhat of threats.

 

I have had depersonalization/derealization since about the 6th month of eviction notices and poor way to live life. I remember exactly when It happened, I woke up one morning after months of ongoing, nonstop stress. All day, elevated heart rate stress. It was strange when I woke up, everything seemed to be In "2d". I feel like a pair of eyes just going on In the day. Numb, but with horrible stress. It's a hard thing to describe, and having It nonstop for the past few years has been horrible. Not enough money to pay for therapy, and I have gotten very good at faking emotions. It's a bit I think i'm scared of my emotions In a way, and I hid It so my mom wouldn't have to pay for therapy. She would help me out In the blink of an eye, but I still hide It due to the financial stresses It would cause even now, and In the past.

 

I'm now 20. Now here we are at the time of my sisters wedding In a week, and my dad Is going to be there. My sister and him have made up, she went to visit him to set things straight. I will never accept his apologies, no matter what. He has tried In the past, "apparently" he Is better now. To me, everything he has said to me sounds hollow.

 

 

So, Is It wrong for me not to go to my sisters wedding? My sister and future husband will be here at our house today for the entire week until the wedding. How do I tell her I will not be going? How do I explain? Should I go?

 

If there are typos (probably), please forgive me. It's 3AM. I have been stressing about this for the past month. I also have had ongoing sleep problems these past few years, which doesn't help I guess. Tried to fit a bit of the past few years In a short post, seems It turned Into a long(ish) one. Might be some unexplained bits In there, but try to follow It best you can.

 

I got accepted on the forums yesterady actually, good time. If anyone could provide any help as to what I should do that would be great.

 

 

-Thanks

[Sir Exotic]

First of all, I am deeply and terribly sorry you had to go through that at your age. I'm a year younger than you are and I cannot even imagine how it must be and feel like with a past like that, I feel an immense sympathy towards you, and I hope you'll be able to go to therapy in the (near) future.

 

Secondly, I am probably not the best person to give any advice, but I do want to share with you my opinion, and knowledge I do have.

 

You say that your sister and her dad(I hope you're okay with me phrasing it this way) have made up the past.

Has she been through the same experience you've been through, and if so, has she talked to you about any of that?

Both the experiences and making up part.If not, have you and your sister talked about your experiences with him, the things she didn't go through?If so, does she acknowledge that? I think that's a huge factor in this situation.